whinge

Staying in hotels is nice. Today i crashed at my uncle's hotel room- having room service breakfast (a most divine pot of coffee with fluffy scrambled eggs, smoked salmon and toast). Skipped lectures and dragged self home to unpack goodies from home.

Not to be ungrateful, but here's the whinge of the century.

I have always wanted a kebaya for raya. I have a lovely hot pink one, but i cant wear it because it's just too small. So i thought, let's just get one made. We spent loads of money on the material for the top and really expensive kain for my pario (which is like a piece of cloth to be tied around the waist like so.

My mom sent it through my uncle and oh my god, it's awful. Such a fucking waste of good fabric. I had no fucking idea what the tailor was thinking. She made me a loose kebaya moden, just cut short. What was she fucking thinking? It's just stupid, so goddamn stupid.

I really need to explain properly. Evidently not everyone subscribes to my vision.

having it tailor made would have solved the problem of my narrow shoulders, sizeable bust and behind which store-bought kebaya tops dont cater for. Between the sizeable bust and bum, there is a waist which can be emphasized with the right cut of outfit, which was the idea with having it fucking tailor made.

If i wanted a bad fit would just wear my old baju kurungs that are 2 sizes too big anyway.

a waste of soo much fucking money and fucking effort- i am so freaking, fucking disappointed i wanted to cry. my throat is chocking up and im sobbing at the sheer injustice of it. I sent hours with mom hunting down the materials- and now it's ugly.

Not just ugly that i wouldnt wear it for laura's wedding or raya, but so ugly and badly fitted that i wouldnt wear with anything else (even the old store bought white kebaya top from years ago i still wear with jeans).

It doesnt fit at the shoulders, the arms are too big, there are no waist darts so it makes me look shapeless. Losing weight wont help at bad shoulder fit. the ultimate pet peeve- is a little puff of material i get just under the coller on my back- a sign that the shoulders are too big. She measured me for fuck's sake- i dont fucking get it!!!! Even if i lost weight my shoulders will not get any smaller!

I need to stop. The more i write the more fucking livid and angry i get and i really dont need this. Im hyperventilating from the anger and getting a headache. I feel like ripping the outfit to shreds, but i wont, it'll just make my mom upset. She didnt even line the top. Fucking disaster.

I'll never make any outfit with her ever again. Ever. Stupid tailors piss me off.

All this anger belies my sadness at the realization that i am irrevocably ugly. Maybe the tailor is not stupid (still i'll never make a outfit with her again- she's ruined so many of my outfit requests in the past- i have 4 shirts from her i never wear). Maybe she's a good tailor to my mom, but not me. ).The issue is that im special (in a retarded, "special" kinda sense.) Im so wierdly shaped that i need a tailor who cares and understands- im not built like everyone else. Im not like other fat people. Im a petite person in covered in layers of adipose tissue i cant remove- make clothes that fit me dammit, not other big people. I bet if you gave my outfit to another big lady she'll wear it well. It's just that im special, im irrecovably ugly.