Here’s the truth

I have no clue what I’m doing in my life.
Im so scared of tomorrow, of deadlines, of bosses, of angry patients, of everyone I’ve failed.

I don’t want to face my failures.

Im don’t know how to deal with loss. I just block it off into a part of me I don’t look into often. I’m a robot- I don’t feel, I don’t think- I just do. My uncle just passed away Monday- I went out shopping. I should’ve sat and prayed. I haven’t prayed properly in awhile. I haven’t even truly accepted that Dadi is gone.

Im still expecting to see her when I go home next week. I want her to tell me again to always pray, give money to charity and comb my hair. It struck me today that there are only 2 people left in the world who still call me “Gebot”.

I still hurts that I am no use to my family. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to make things better if I was there, but I assume there is some merit in being physically there- even if it is just to get in the way.

Im continually sad, ever-angry at myself for failing to be good enough.

I’m losing my friends, im losing my intelligence, any ability for coherent thought.

There’s this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I try, and try, and fail. I’m so scared to try. Im so scared to disappoint more people, to make trouble for others. I feel my existence is an imposition to the happiness/functioning of those around me.

I want to be good, I wanna be great. I want so much. But I know I cannot have it. So why even try?

I hate that I continually whinge about my own misery- Im so self-absorbed it’s boring.

I continually apologize for everything: for being boring, for being whiny, for being alive. I even apologize for wanting to be great- who am i to even dream of greatness?