I dreamt of petting dogs

Its an odd sensation- suddenly remembering what i dreamt about. Petting big golden dogs on the head, feeling warm and happy. I like golden retrivers, chocolate labradors, big white wolfdogs with intelligent faces. Terriers and fat chow-chows make me smile.

Its been a stressing few days.
Its gonna get worse.

It was nice to have had friends around. Its nice to see people after not seeing them for awhile. Its nice to pretend that all is well, forget it all for a bit and bask in the sun. Playing stupid games and not caring what people thought. Running around a park- catching up with gossip and stories, remembering why you like and cant stand certain people. Pillow talk walks, men-watching, smoking on the roof. Good old laughs, reminisceses and bitchings. Leaves me with warm fuzzy feelings. Ah, sunshine and company.

They left and im left lonely. Nothing new. I was in the kitchen alone with music for most of two days. Cooking for 15. Its not like no one knew. Just that no one cared. Yeah, fucking so-called friends. I would be happy to bludgen the lot with my newly-bequeathed-to-me mortar stone (in exception of my darling). I think darling flatmate took a hint after a while. The poor darling tries- he's a sweet boy and i know he means well but sadly he's just one of the perpretators of my misery. I appreciated the help though. There are ones who know better and were angels. I cant say God's been mean-i did get back-up. I must learn to cook happy. I botched up the cooking so badly because of my state. Blessed the fact that my angels cooked some things so not all were lost.

I'm sorry that the 11 of you had to suffer my cuisine. My apologies to you. I did try, but im a poor mistress to my emotions. Plus, im a terrible cook. I had to be particularly manic-depressive during your stay. As a friend I lost in the war between friend or 'potential' boyfriend-is that a testament to what im worth? (how i wish people would vie for my attention like that) It slightly bothered me that the common theme was the talk of girlfriends, boyfriends, or the lack of thereof. And football. I had nothing to contribute to the theme- soltera and kaki bangku, what's a girl to do?

Most of my plans were shot down in flames over the week. I missed out on new music because i forgot to bring my debit card to HMV. I missed my intel mission and some therapy because an old friend showed up needing a place to stay. I missed out on school work and projects because things came up. And now im in a new week and all hell is about to break loose.

Its so shit that i crave approval from those i know who never who will never approve. I cant have people hate me and i try so hard to make them happy. Logic follows that if im associated with happiness then i make people happy. This making people happy then should make me happy because im associated with happiness, therefore they dont hate me. I love being loved. I crave to be loved. I want people to adore me like they adore them. Those God has blessed with love, beauty, intelligence and the adoration of masses.

My misery has reached new heights. Heights that include terrible hatred of her and wallowing in pacific-proportions of self-pity. Whine as i will, i fear nothing will change. It has always been that i felt alone in a crowd and fail miserably at anything i try. My childhood was full of attempts at getting my friends to love me. I dont believe in past/future lives so i believe that karma applies in this life. What have i done so that my karma is such? Who/what did i inflict such horrors to?

I keep on forgetting that thoughts and state of mind can influence karma. My eternal optimist is getting tired, however strongly bound to my genes.

If you love me
you wont feed me
But no one cares
So
Just keep telling me
Im fat
Ugly
Bad
So
I'll stop eating
And hate myself enough
To do something about
Being me