Post-holiday/travelling blues

Been listening to sad songs and trying to figure out why im so miserable. There's some loneliness, some malancholy, a touch of despair and a whole load of hopelessness. I wouldnt say its pure post-hols blues- i've been depressed before, during and now after the trip. Before the trip i was overwhelmed by work, during the trip i felt alone, despised and angry and now im feeling terrible hopelessness.

I keep on telling myself that i do not deserve to be miserable. The despised outcast i am does not have the right to be upset with my lot. I have a warm bed, clean clothes and food. I am working towards a vocation. I am young (still) and living in one of the world's greatest cities. I have good teeth and decent hair. The diagnosis of the grave endocrine disease is still uncertain. I have people to talk to.

Then why to i feel that there is no point in carrying on?

I want more. So much more. I am greedy and lustful. I want to see, feel and do it all. I want to be the life of the party, the glittering diamond of the scene. I want adventure, i crave romance and intrigrue. I want to know it all- to be wise and thoughtful.

But i know i cannot and will not ever achieve this. My recent travels confirm this. I travelled to some of the most amazing cities in the world and i did, felt, learnt nothing. I only felt a kind of futility- its like im swimming against a very strong current and drowing so slowly i dont realize it until im so tired that im happy to die anyway.
It feels like im living like this. Trying, working too hard to no avail. And now, im so tired that im ready to give up, throw in the towel and let myself drown in my misery.

Maybe not yet. I never quite quit. Why i dont know. But im setting myself up for misery. I know this. And i do it again and again. And i write about it over and over. Im boring even me. But hope is my drug. Im soaked to the very marrow of my bones in the stuff.

Hope that one day i'll be skinny.
Hope that plastic sugery can make miracles.
Hope that i can succeed in my vocation.
Hope that someone out there loves me for me.

(its not ever gonna happen, but believe it or not, im such a good liar i lie to myself convincingly)

Some poeple say its being delusional, for me its the way to be happy.