I write these down because there should be a record of my emotional breakdown

Received another complaint at work- another unhappy punter. Another bad decision on my part.

Hmphhhh. I cried throughout the day at work. I barely made it through. Made my first police witness report, through tears. Fun fun.

And then I come home to an early nap before commencing work.

I get a text from the boy. He's drinking and lamenting the lack of attractive people at current watering hole (he's on one of the channel islands). Yeay for drunkard text? (as i type this im thinking, 'Oh dear Liez, what the hell? You're pathetic enough to be happy with the odd tipsy text message and whatever little sign of affection you get? Really?!!!' Maybe my friends are right. Maybe I deserve better. Little cute gestures be damned- Im deserving of 'boombox outside of bedroom window' grandiose gesture.)

watch for the slide
it's a slippery slope and im gaining velocity

im sitting here trying to work
with sad cellos and shrill violins
playing havoc with my mind

A drawn out loneliness
desire
staring across the room

a promise of pain
emptiness

let me languish

Post-holiday/travelling blues

Been listening to sad songs and trying to figure out why im so miserable. There's some loneliness, some malancholy, a touch of despair and a whole load of hopelessness. I wouldnt say its pure post-hols blues- i've been depressed before, during and now after the trip. Before the trip i was overwhelmed by work, during the trip i felt alone, despised and angry and now im feeling terrible hopelessness.

I keep on telling myself that i do not deserve to be miserable. The despised outcast i am does not have the right to be upset with my lot. I have a warm bed, clean clothes and food. I am working towards a vocation. I am young (still) and living in one of the world's greatest cities. I have good teeth and decent hair. The diagnosis of the grave endocrine disease is still uncertain. I have people to talk to.

Then why to i feel that there is no point in carrying on?

I want more. So much more. I am greedy and lustful. I want to see, feel and do it all. I want to be the life of the party, the glittering diamond of the scene. I want adventure, i crave romance and intrigrue. I want to know it all- to be wise and thoughtful.

But i know i cannot and will not ever achieve this. My recent travels confirm this. I travelled to some of the most amazing cities in the world and i did, felt, learnt nothing. I only felt a kind of futility- its like im swimming against a very strong current and drowing so slowly i dont realize it until im so tired that im happy to die anyway.
It feels like im living like this. Trying, working too hard to no avail. And now, im so tired that im ready to give up, throw in the towel and let myself drown in my misery.

Maybe not yet. I never quite quit. Why i dont know. But im setting myself up for misery. I know this. And i do it again and again. And i write about it over and over. Im boring even me. But hope is my drug. Im soaked to the very marrow of my bones in the stuff.

Hope that one day i'll be skinny.
Hope that plastic sugery can make miracles.
Hope that i can succeed in my vocation.
Hope that someone out there loves me for me.

(its not ever gonna happen, but believe it or not, im such a good liar i lie to myself convincingly)

Some poeple say its being delusional, for me its the way to be happy.

Smoking- a review

Why is it i can go weeks without a cigarette and then, suddenly, i find myself in a funk and then i chain smoke my whole precious packet of Gauloises? That's actually a statement, not a question.
Yeah, i feel so cool smoking my fancy french cigarettes. Let me be immature and pretencious.

Smoking a cigarette calms me down. Smoking a few, quickly, gives me a head rush. Ive been told i smoke a cigarette like my life depended on it. He told me to slow down and enjoy it. Thanks for the lesson- i wouldnt have the joy of smoking without you.

Is it me or do my cigarettes burn faster than i can take 3 breaths? I may not be able to run tomorrow. Lungs are out. Work pneumocytes and macrophages, work!!

The price of cigarettes here and in Malaysia are equal to an hour's minimum wage. Actually a bit more than minimum wage in Malaysia.

So why do i do it? It actually calms me down. When im stressed i take a timeout and smoke. I breath deeply (its smoke, but im still breathing deeply). Its a stimulant, it gives me a buzz and then i fall slowly, feeling very calm and tired-then i sleep very well. That's why i must chain smoke to keep it going. It gives me something to do with my hands. I think i look cool smoking. I make friends smoking. They're having a cigarette, they smile and offer you one, 'yes, thank you- awful cold outside, isnt it?'-new friend made.

And smoking occasionally only reinforces the positive feedback of smoking. It's a Pavlovian thing. The reinforcement is stronger when the reward is not given consistently with the stimulus. I dont smoke all the time i'm stressed, but when i do, it feels good. I know how it works and i still am setting myself up for a addiction.

Smoke stings my eyes and i still dont inhale properly because it irritates my nose and throat. Could just be the Gauloises but i think all ciggies do that. Duh, but I do it anyway. I told myself years ago that i had a problem if i started smoking alone. I speak the truth when i dont mean to. And im in serious trouble because most of the time im the only smoker around. I have a ciggie on my walk to lectures or spanish class, a smoke in the kitchen while im washing dishes, or just one when im bored, alone in my room. Its no longer a 'social thing', its a comfort blanket.

Happy 22nd Birthday Liez!!

Im twenty-two today. At about 5.05 pm actually. Had two cakes, friends singing, a candle and learnt mahjong. All in a day.

My package from Amazon arrived- i'm listening to the great sound of Frank Turner....this guy is great. I can connect with his music and his lyrics at an emotional level- a kinda deep insightful wisdom into the everyday things that happen in life. He sounds folksy too.....Love it...

I got my Spanish book and CD. Now i learn on my own time! Hopefully...........

At midnight E had come to my room to ask me down for a game of mahjong. I said cool, gimme a minute. I picked up the dirty dishes from my room to drop off at the kitchen and a sleeping bag to return to E's flatmate. I was surprised in my kitchen by friends with a song and cheesecake!! It was quite a surprise. I honestly didn't expect it, i'm not the kind of person people do this for. After cake, a bunch of us sat down to learn mahjong. I've grasped the basics, so i guess its all down to practise now. Slept at about 3 and.....

Woke late today, and messed around with radio.blog.club. Its cool; you get to find music to put in a playlist to stream. For someone who cant download music, this is a blessing. And i can look for that old song i miss or listen to something someone recommended. Its wicked.

I dragged myself to a lecture-its about babies. About baby problems. That's all its gonna be this month, babies and more baby issues. Today was a baby day on TV. Everyone was getting preggers and giving birth. What a mess.

I managed to blag it through PBL- i must say, im quite impressed by my blagging skills. It's improving at a decent rate. Though i suspect my tutor thinks im an airheaded twat.

I picked up my package from the post office and went home to listen to frank turner. I was charmed and so brought the cd to 16 Moody Street. The girls had baked me a cake and made me a card- i even had a candle!!

I just ate more cake and watched tv for 4 hours- most of it about babies and children. There's no escaping babies. They're everywhere!!!!!

I walked home at about 10.....I had straightened my hair there and gave myself an 'emo' fringe. I thought i looked cool, and the boys who turned around to check me out as i got on the back door of the bus must have thought so too. I love my hair when its being nice. Even have carrot cake for my midnight snack.

So, before the day is done, here's my birthday speech:

The highest praises to Allah Almighty for letting me get this far. Thank you for all the blessings and all the love. I appreciate all that i've been given. I ask for forgiveness and blessings for my family, friends and myself. I wanna say thanks to mom and dad- i love you guys so much and miss you SOOO much. I just dont wanna show it cos you're gonna think im an absolute wuss. To my family- i miss the whole bunch of you loads. My sweet and tough grannies, my all grown-up lil bro, my lovely uncles and aunts, my naughty cousins, and the rest of you lot.....And to my friends far away and near- you guys alway manage to surprise me. I may be bitchy, never call or write but know that my friends are forever. I love you guys too.....Im glad to still be here and to have all of you with me.

Birthdays have always been a bit shit for me. I think it must be the over-expectation. Either that or the fact that im a year closer dying gets to me.

Two freshers have died. One in a freak car accident and another of health complications, in floyer house. I've seen him around, looking perfectly well. A few people ive talked to were close to him. I guess deaths, especially of people so young serves as a reminder that it can happen anytime to anyone. And it will- in time.