I write these down because there should be a record of my emotional breakdown

Received another complaint at work- another unhappy punter. Another bad decision on my part.

Hmphhhh. I cried throughout the day at work. I barely made it through. Made my first police witness report, through tears. Fun fun.

And then I come home to an early nap before commencing work.

I get a text from the boy. He's drinking and lamenting the lack of attractive people at current watering hole (he's on one of the channel islands). Yeay for drunkard text? (as i type this im thinking, 'Oh dear Liez, what the hell? You're pathetic enough to be happy with the odd tipsy text message and whatever little sign of affection you get? Really?!!!' Maybe my friends are right. Maybe I deserve better. Little cute gestures be damned- Im deserving of 'boombox outside of bedroom window' grandiose gesture.)

watch for the slide
it's a slippery slope and im gaining velocity

mayan-aztec astrology

Your Most Personal Traits -- The Day-Sign of Your Birth

Here are your strongest and most obvious personality traits. The delineation below describes who you are and how you appear to others, at least on the surface. In Aztec astrology this part of is your horoscope is your Tonalli, or Day-Sign, the form bestowed upon you by the Sun.

Flower: You are a person motivated by your ideals. You have a beautiful vision of what life, and most importantly life with another, can be. In many cases, your obsession with the future and perfection leads to illusions, unrealistic expectations and, ultimately, disappointments. In your effort to create a more perfect world, you try to be as "nice" as possible to others.

The world of art and beauty holds your interest. You could be a successful artist, or more usually, craftsperson -- a producer of decorative or aesthetically pleasing products. You may have a particular liking for jewelry. While you appreciate man-made things, you also appreciate the perfection of nature. The more intellectual Flower personalities will be interested in the beauty of numbers or ideas.

Relationships, particularly close, intimate relationships, are your greatest challenge. You must be with others -- at least that is what you think you must do. But your motivations are complex. In many cases, you may be using others to meet your security needs, yet you may be unaware of this. Relationships can become so fraught with problems that you find it easier to stay home and dream, a temporary, though deeply unsatisfying solution to your relationship dilemma.

A major stumbling block in relationships is your unwillingness to compromise your ideals. You can be a very stubborn person who would rather die then accept a less-than-perfect situation. You will devote yourself to another with unbelievable intensity -- and hold on for years after the relationship has ended. Such fanaticism leads to an unbalanced life, exactly what you fear the most. You should strive to become more well-rounded and flexible.

Over the course of your life you will realize, to some extent, your dreams and ideals. Your devotion and dedication to another, or even to a cause or crusade, is considerable and can effect changes in the world around you. You are a person who takes on the responsibilities and work involved in such projects, and you are rewarded accordingly. Ultimately you are a person who needs to combine realism and idealism, and when this is done, the doors will open to a more perfect world.

Eating disorder

I want to develop an eating disorder.
I want to hate the sight/smell/talk of food.
I want to not want to eat.
I want to starve and be happy doing it.

Please dont
Feed this obese bird

If you love me
You wont feed me

Because being fat is killing me faster than any eating disorder can
The fatness is making me more miserable than not eating

If you're squemish, stop here

I pierced my own ears today!

I managed to successfully push the needle through,
sadly my aim was wonky so i pulled the needle out.

Gonna leave this initial hole to seal up
And aim true the next time.

I've been meaning to get bits pierced for ages. Havent got around to doing it, but i will! I didnt really want more ear piercings, but the past few weeks ive been entertaining the idea of two more holes on my right ear, going up from the two i already have.

Last night i asked another friend to pierce my ears- and she just told me to do it myself. She's done 3 holes on each ear all by herself. She gave me the 101 and a warning....

Its not like i decided to do it last night. I woke up this morning feeling good. I was looking in the mirror and pulled a push-pin from my board (conveniently an arm's length away). I dug in my drawer for an alcohol swab- cleaned the needle and my ear.

Stared in the mirror for a bit, put the needle on my skin, and just pushed it through.

I went in easily with hardly any pain. My flesh was soft and pliant- hardly any resistance until needle had to go through the skin on the other side. Even then, it was just a little pressure.

It wasnt painful, in fact, i kinda felt nothing. Just heat flooding that ear and a ever-so-slight rush.
I was surprised how easy it was. And painless. The only thing was i picked push-pin with a viridian green top and the hole i made was too close to the free edge of my ear. So out it went.
A small red prick mark is all that's left. Maybe a tiny spot of blood.

So yeah, its pretty easy. Just gotta keep it clean. And the right colour and location. And after a while, it feels good. The endogenous morphines are coursing now.

baa, bah this is the sound of settling

Life isnt perfect, but im cherishing what good days i get.

Missed my stop and had to backtrack- managed the very last train to whitechaple. Saw a cute boy on the tube with a bottle of champange and a splif. He got off at Whitechaple. Was to scared to ask for a puff or a sip.

Had Haagen Daz with old friends . Stories retold, crazy anectdotes exchanged and just being silly and bitchy. Creamy, sugary decadent high. Only left cos we needed the last tube.

Lion King is fun- lotsa fun bits for kids, bits to tap yer feet to, and one or two songs that were new to keep it interesting. The costumes and props were brilliant. That was the highlight of the show, apart from the energetic dancing and riotous colors.

Watched Lion King- seats were disappointingly high. H, the H, sat next to me. He's as beautiful as ever. Sweet too. I was happily sitting down, and when i looked up to see who i was sitting next to, i saw him. First thing i thought was, "oh, fuck." I was excited, but scared. Managed to have some decent conversation (margerita fueled so i was being an idiot- i am a gawky 10 year old around him). He distracted me from the show, cos he kept on brushing against me. And the view of his broad back as he leaned forward....He's still beautiful. And smart, and charming. He held my arm steady as i was trying to climb into my seat (i had to climb unto the next row to get to the loo). Sadly i didnt get to say goodbye. But i highly suspect he knows i adore him. Oh yeah, he knows. I just know it. I hope he's flattered and not disgusted.

Had Mexican food and a strawberry margerita at chiquitas at leicester sq. A good meal as always, and the company was excellent. Something about hanging out with old friends, such good laughs.

Met D at HMV Bond Street. Havent met him since the summer- he's been at Oxford for the past 2 months. Yes, ive been the bad friend. We had coffee- and D approved of the outfit: mostly new clothes- purple baby doll and leggings+gold jewellery and shoes+golden (non-murder) heels. Oh, and the celebrity sunnies. New pick up line: You look caramelatte. Boleh saya jilat kamu? The answer would be: Dipersilakan while proferring cheek. Courtesy of D. If you dont get it, well, its only right when D does it.

Dashed home, put on make-up and outfit.

Went to primark and peacocks. Bought trackies and a denim mini. I must be mad.

Only went for medsoc at 11. and left at 1. Everyone was lovely today and really helpful. I even had pudding at the cafeteria. :)

I managed to run 20 minutes in the morning. Had a banana and a bag of cheese and onion crisps on the tube.

Slept in, didnt wake up at 2 as intended. Its ok- i'll live yet.

Mailed friends and family. Had a lot to think about. Watched the Libertine- i didnt like it. Felt a bit pointless to me. Smart, but very pretencious and pointless. Maybe that was the point. Hmmm, no idea.

"The Sound Of Settling"

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah
[x2]

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah

-Oh, death cab, you knew how it feels like to sit next to H. Im too scared, im playing life too safe. What can a girl do, he's Beckham and im just Middlesbrough, he'll never play in my team.