I write these down because there should be a record of my emotional breakdown

Received another complaint at work- another unhappy punter. Another bad decision on my part.

Hmphhhh. I cried throughout the day at work. I barely made it through. Made my first police witness report, through tears. Fun fun.

And then I come home to an early nap before commencing work.

I get a text from the boy. He's drinking and lamenting the lack of attractive people at current watering hole (he's on one of the channel islands). Yeay for drunkard text? (as i type this im thinking, 'Oh dear Liez, what the hell? You're pathetic enough to be happy with the odd tipsy text message and whatever little sign of affection you get? Really?!!!' Maybe my friends are right. Maybe I deserve better. Little cute gestures be damned- Im deserving of 'boombox outside of bedroom window' grandiose gesture.)

watch for the slide
it's a slippery slope and im gaining velocity

Giddy silly liezy

I think I got a mention on his twitter.



STOP IT

Still, it'll be nice to go on holiday somewhere warm, or Scotland.

Possibility

Sometimes when we're together i think that possibly, possibly we could be more than this. Then you say something that brings the reality of the situation back to what it is.

'There isn't a possibility', I keep telling myself; but you can be so good at bringing false hope. 

Balance

This new friend will either make or break me. It will take discipline and strength of character; both of which I have none. I'll need both to sustain this.

Time and distance is the enemy. I need to make the most of time and... Not much I can do about distance. There is much going on in my life; professionally there is a lot I need to achieve and there are new comrades at work I would like to foster strong bonds with. Old friends who need love and gossip.

And then there is this- something undefined yet very comforting. I was always comfortable with lack of structure but im wary of the lack of security. It is different from anything else I've known- but for now, it's good and it works.

We have spoken about how we are good for each other- I'm helping him get over a vaguely alluded to heartbreak/nervous breakdown and he with my discomfiture with relationships. It's partially working- he's says he's sleeping better and my hair is looking amazing; I'm still as insecure about the opposite sex as I was though.

 I'll need make the most of my time- I'll need maximise work, study and exercise and home chores during the working week and on wind down on off days with friend-time. It will take planning, lots of trainline bookings and an unhealthy amount of time sleeping on trains.

Written on the train back to Ipswich after a lovely friend-time weekend

Any excuse for a holiday: Happy National Kissing Day!

Define

It started a couple of months ago as social experiment. Only the select who will not judge me harshly (or could be relied on to identify my body at the morgue) were told. In hushed whispers and with promises to take it to the grave.

''Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead...''

It's worked out better than expected. Objectives were achieved and i made it out alive. And now I'm here not knowing what this is or what to do. Ok, maybe saying I made it out alive is a little premature. But let's say at this juncture I'm pretty sure I wont be killed in my sleep or left for dead on the side of a highway.

Talking about highways- I passed my UK driving test!

Im a pretty decent judge of character i guess (or lucky, like my granny used to say, 'someone's praying for you honey'. I think it was her). My friends are happy that i have another place to crash in town and i like that he likes cuddles on rainy days too.  I have a toothbrush and contact lens case and solution there and the coffee in the cupboard's for me (he drinks tea). We've survived 36 hours of each others company. I'm an ex-city girl living in a village and he lives in the big city but hails from a little town somewhere green, beautiful and far far away.

He's taken me to a coffee festival and I bought him socks and pair of cheeky pants for his birthday. I refuse to meet his housemates though we've borrowed the dog for a walk on the common. He will not call and takes forever to reply texts.

Hmmmppffffttt.

Im treading carefully and minding my tongue. There's no real need to define something as long as we're having fun, right? I won't do anything silly. I promise.

What's changed?

Everything and nothing.

24 hours and everything has changed. It is different although it all still appears much the same.

Man who makes pancakes

If you know me, you know i like love pancakes.

Love them in all their forms. Savoury crepes, sweet heavy fluffy pancakes, even lempeng pisang yo. And im a romantic. Remember that 90s film Practical Magic? Where the Sandra Bullock character conjures a spell for the perfect man? And one of the things she asked for was a man who can flip pancakes?

Pancake-making skills is on my perfect man list.

So i found me a man who makes pancakes. For me, for breakfast. Ok, it was noon; but who needs to wake up early when lying in is so much more fun? And apologises for lack of a breakfast tray. 

Too bad he cant make me breakfast everyday. 

baa, bah this is the sound of settling

Life isnt perfect, but im cherishing what good days i get.

Missed my stop and had to backtrack- managed the very last train to whitechaple. Saw a cute boy on the tube with a bottle of champange and a splif. He got off at Whitechaple. Was to scared to ask for a puff or a sip.

Had Haagen Daz with old friends . Stories retold, crazy anectdotes exchanged and just being silly and bitchy. Creamy, sugary decadent high. Only left cos we needed the last tube.

Lion King is fun- lotsa fun bits for kids, bits to tap yer feet to, and one or two songs that were new to keep it interesting. The costumes and props were brilliant. That was the highlight of the show, apart from the energetic dancing and riotous colors.

Watched Lion King- seats were disappointingly high. H, the H, sat next to me. He's as beautiful as ever. Sweet too. I was happily sitting down, and when i looked up to see who i was sitting next to, i saw him. First thing i thought was, "oh, fuck." I was excited, but scared. Managed to have some decent conversation (margerita fueled so i was being an idiot- i am a gawky 10 year old around him). He distracted me from the show, cos he kept on brushing against me. And the view of his broad back as he leaned forward....He's still beautiful. And smart, and charming. He held my arm steady as i was trying to climb into my seat (i had to climb unto the next row to get to the loo). Sadly i didnt get to say goodbye. But i highly suspect he knows i adore him. Oh yeah, he knows. I just know it. I hope he's flattered and not disgusted.

Had Mexican food and a strawberry margerita at chiquitas at leicester sq. A good meal as always, and the company was excellent. Something about hanging out with old friends, such good laughs.

Met D at HMV Bond Street. Havent met him since the summer- he's been at Oxford for the past 2 months. Yes, ive been the bad friend. We had coffee- and D approved of the outfit: mostly new clothes- purple baby doll and leggings+gold jewellery and shoes+golden (non-murder) heels. Oh, and the celebrity sunnies. New pick up line: You look caramelatte. Boleh saya jilat kamu? The answer would be: Dipersilakan while proferring cheek. Courtesy of D. If you dont get it, well, its only right when D does it.

Dashed home, put on make-up and outfit.

Went to primark and peacocks. Bought trackies and a denim mini. I must be mad.

Only went for medsoc at 11. and left at 1. Everyone was lovely today and really helpful. I even had pudding at the cafeteria. :)

I managed to run 20 minutes in the morning. Had a banana and a bag of cheese and onion crisps on the tube.

Slept in, didnt wake up at 2 as intended. Its ok- i'll live yet.

Mailed friends and family. Had a lot to think about. Watched the Libertine- i didnt like it. Felt a bit pointless to me. Smart, but very pretencious and pointless. Maybe that was the point. Hmmm, no idea.

"The Sound Of Settling"

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah
[x2]

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah

-Oh, death cab, you knew how it feels like to sit next to H. Im too scared, im playing life too safe. What can a girl do, he's Beckham and im just Middlesbrough, he'll never play in my team.

Listening to Rufus Wainwright sing in french

and spying on into the hall, with my head on my window ledge, half wishing he'd turn around and see me. Nothing more romantic (Rufus Wainwright singing in french, not me spying on a Welsh boy).

Welsh Daydreamings

I'm currently crushing on a charming Welsh boy i met while dissecting. He's very good with scaples but a bit too keen to chop and slice. He's now practising some play in the hall- I can spy him from my room.....

When he speaks my knees turn a bit jelly. I love his adorable accent- it sounds so cute and pretty. The moment i crushed was when he hummed along to 'whistle while you work'- i was singing cos i had a tough bit to slicing to do.

Charming as he is though, it is a silly crush with no real viability. Just daydreaming- did a lot of that on the bus to Cardiff.

Wouldn't it be funny if I'd marry a nice Welsh boy? We'd live in a village somewhere, or maybe even a farm. We'd rear sheep and cows and I'd be the first producer of halal Aberdeen Angus steaks in Wales and maybe even Britain. The children would speak Bahasa and Welsh- probably a combination never seen before.

Cardiff is a lovely city- clean and nicely sized. Lots of older buildings, with a castle in the middle of town. It gets a bit rowdy on a friday and saturday night- the streets looked like a parade just passed by. The Malaysians i met and hung out with are lovely! Thanks for letting us stay at yor place and taking care of us! The Malaysian night was entertaining though it was a bit dull at parts. The play was different- it looked into sticky issues that arent the usual fodder of malaysian nights. Still, it managed to be light-hearted and funny....Reminded me terribly of DJ, old friends and home. Not going home pangs are hitting a bit hard.

Had a excellent weekend and now its back to school. Starting a new program to attain physical perfection (or at least move a few milimeters in that direction) on top of rowing training. Its the S.P.P: Six pack program. The aim is to develop the rectus abdominis, external oblique and internal oblique muscles and also to remove the fatty layers covering these muscles so that the definitions of these muscles can be seen externally.
To put it simply is to have a lean, flat, solid stomach. *Insyaallah, Amin*

If it works, i may even get my Welsh boy. Doesnt have to be the current crush......Id be happy with a 6 foot, broad shouldered half Spanish, half Welsh boy named Jorge. As long as he doesnt have red-hair, i'd be happy. Im simple like that........... *now you can snicker and roll your eyes*