One night in Mongkok

An interesting Hong Kong movie i wanted to watch ages ago- picked up the DVD today down by brick lane for 2 quid- plus a bushel of apples, avocados, an andy lau movie, bread, bagels and peacock feathers.

Yeah, so much for Spanish movie festival. I was intimidated by the uber-cool hanging out by the beer garden. Was hoping i could get me some Sangria or some decent beer (the alhambra one is good-very light and summery) but no, the masses of stylish people i had to get through to get to the drinks kinda put me off. And i looked pretty conspicuous with my long and flowie peacock feathers in my hand.

So i decided to wander instead. Im glad i finally bumped into the pakcik who sells peacock feathers. I've seen him a few times outside the station, but my wallet's always been empty. This time i had money. Apparently he's selling feathers from the collection in his home-poor pakcik- he looks old he has to go out and sell stuff from his home...He tried speaking Bengali to me...( i'm assuming he didnt speak much english, not that i look Bengali or anything). It breaks my heart to see old people having to struggle and work. Office work is OK, just not the kind of manual work. I think old people deserve to enjoy life. They shouldnt have to work for money. They should be enjoying their retirement, a rest after spending most of their lives working. It sad that some old people have to work to survive. They shouldnt have to pay ridiculous taxes or foot mounting health bills.

It's failure of the system i think, than anything else. Governments are a bit ageist nowadays- there's so much investment in the young but so little attention paid to the old. Especially the poor and old. People who dont have pensions and saving plans. People couldnt save when they were younger. I would make basic financial management compulsary in all schools. It makes me so angry when people get fooled by banks and lose their homes because of ridiculous morgages where the interest is almost as much as the initial loan. The UK is a welfare state, and they have a pension problem. It makes me wonder what happens to the old people in Malaysia who dont have any savings or pension plans. Those who dont have children or family to look after them, those the welfare homes miss.

Im becoming very-very sad.

The movie didnt help. Its tragic. Definately one of those movies that show you the raw deal life hands out. Not the most action-packed or suspenseful- but entertaining still. The story could almost be a typical gang-war movie except they brought in a country bumpkin as an assasin who bumps into a call-girl who helps him out (they're from neighbouring villages). Almost typical, cos the ending is just plain tragic. It was one of those almost happy endings, but karma comes catching up and it all becomes sad from there.

And i still am not done with the essay. I have to hand it in latest tuesday morning i gotta type it out tonight. And i've just realized my approach to the question was wrong. Why am i still blogging? Cos i'm in denial. I wanna block it out. I dont want to write the essay. I KNOW its gonna be BAD. Cos i hate essays and i cant write and this is all last minute and my life is going down the hill, im sad and lame and wont achieve anything substantial in life.

im sitting here trying to work
with sad cellos and shrill violins
playing havoc with my mind

A drawn out loneliness
desire
staring across the room

a promise of pain
emptiness

let me languish

Statements to note

Free Ben and Jerry's day and indulged in gorgeous unagi don at the Japan Centre

I always get stinky feet when i wear those red shoes

He looks so disheveled and flustered today- i wonder what he's been up to........?

What's with all the world trying to look shaggier? Some men get away with looking sexy, most just look lazy. Key word: trim

Spent soo much money- i cant afford to live like this

The soundtrack to In The Mood For Love makes me calm and sad

I promise to always brush my teeth and wash my face before i sleep. And slop yogurt on my face to make it nicer.

I have terrible under eye lines and bags- will creams and ointments help or is all i need is sleep and cucumber slices?

I dreamt of petting dogs

Its an odd sensation- suddenly remembering what i dreamt about. Petting big golden dogs on the head, feeling warm and happy. I like golden retrivers, chocolate labradors, big white wolfdogs with intelligent faces. Terriers and fat chow-chows make me smile.

Its been a stressing few days.
Its gonna get worse.

It was nice to have had friends around. Its nice to see people after not seeing them for awhile. Its nice to pretend that all is well, forget it all for a bit and bask in the sun. Playing stupid games and not caring what people thought. Running around a park- catching up with gossip and stories, remembering why you like and cant stand certain people. Pillow talk walks, men-watching, smoking on the roof. Good old laughs, reminisceses and bitchings. Leaves me with warm fuzzy feelings. Ah, sunshine and company.

They left and im left lonely. Nothing new. I was in the kitchen alone with music for most of two days. Cooking for 15. Its not like no one knew. Just that no one cared. Yeah, fucking so-called friends. I would be happy to bludgen the lot with my newly-bequeathed-to-me mortar stone (in exception of my darling). I think darling flatmate took a hint after a while. The poor darling tries- he's a sweet boy and i know he means well but sadly he's just one of the perpretators of my misery. I appreciated the help though. There are ones who know better and were angels. I cant say God's been mean-i did get back-up. I must learn to cook happy. I botched up the cooking so badly because of my state. Blessed the fact that my angels cooked some things so not all were lost.

I'm sorry that the 11 of you had to suffer my cuisine. My apologies to you. I did try, but im a poor mistress to my emotions. Plus, im a terrible cook. I had to be particularly manic-depressive during your stay. As a friend I lost in the war between friend or 'potential' boyfriend-is that a testament to what im worth? (how i wish people would vie for my attention like that) It slightly bothered me that the common theme was the talk of girlfriends, boyfriends, or the lack of thereof. And football. I had nothing to contribute to the theme- soltera and kaki bangku, what's a girl to do?

Most of my plans were shot down in flames over the week. I missed out on new music because i forgot to bring my debit card to HMV. I missed my intel mission and some therapy because an old friend showed up needing a place to stay. I missed out on school work and projects because things came up. And now im in a new week and all hell is about to break loose.

Its so shit that i crave approval from those i know who never who will never approve. I cant have people hate me and i try so hard to make them happy. Logic follows that if im associated with happiness then i make people happy. This making people happy then should make me happy because im associated with happiness, therefore they dont hate me. I love being loved. I crave to be loved. I want people to adore me like they adore them. Those God has blessed with love, beauty, intelligence and the adoration of masses.

My misery has reached new heights. Heights that include terrible hatred of her and wallowing in pacific-proportions of self-pity. Whine as i will, i fear nothing will change. It has always been that i felt alone in a crowd and fail miserably at anything i try. My childhood was full of attempts at getting my friends to love me. I dont believe in past/future lives so i believe that karma applies in this life. What have i done so that my karma is such? Who/what did i inflict such horrors to?

I keep on forgetting that thoughts and state of mind can influence karma. My eternal optimist is getting tired, however strongly bound to my genes.

If you love me
you wont feed me
But no one cares
So
Just keep telling me
Im fat
Ugly
Bad
So
I'll stop eating
And hate myself enough
To do something about
Being me

Eating disorder

I want to develop an eating disorder.
I want to hate the sight/smell/talk of food.
I want to not want to eat.
I want to starve and be happy doing it.

Please dont
Feed this obese bird

If you love me
You wont feed me

Because being fat is killing me faster than any eating disorder can
The fatness is making me more miserable than not eating

Oh yes, I am the great pretender

i keep on humming this line from Sewn by The feeling:

I can't do the walk
I can't do the talk
I can't be your friend
Unless I pretend

So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it
So give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it

Post-holiday/travelling blues

Been listening to sad songs and trying to figure out why im so miserable. There's some loneliness, some malancholy, a touch of despair and a whole load of hopelessness. I wouldnt say its pure post-hols blues- i've been depressed before, during and now after the trip. Before the trip i was overwhelmed by work, during the trip i felt alone, despised and angry and now im feeling terrible hopelessness.

I keep on telling myself that i do not deserve to be miserable. The despised outcast i am does not have the right to be upset with my lot. I have a warm bed, clean clothes and food. I am working towards a vocation. I am young (still) and living in one of the world's greatest cities. I have good teeth and decent hair. The diagnosis of the grave endocrine disease is still uncertain. I have people to talk to.

Then why to i feel that there is no point in carrying on?

I want more. So much more. I am greedy and lustful. I want to see, feel and do it all. I want to be the life of the party, the glittering diamond of the scene. I want adventure, i crave romance and intrigrue. I want to know it all- to be wise and thoughtful.

But i know i cannot and will not ever achieve this. My recent travels confirm this. I travelled to some of the most amazing cities in the world and i did, felt, learnt nothing. I only felt a kind of futility- its like im swimming against a very strong current and drowing so slowly i dont realize it until im so tired that im happy to die anyway.
It feels like im living like this. Trying, working too hard to no avail. And now, im so tired that im ready to give up, throw in the towel and let myself drown in my misery.

Maybe not yet. I never quite quit. Why i dont know. But im setting myself up for misery. I know this. And i do it again and again. And i write about it over and over. Im boring even me. But hope is my drug. Im soaked to the very marrow of my bones in the stuff.

Hope that one day i'll be skinny.
Hope that plastic sugery can make miracles.
Hope that i can succeed in my vocation.
Hope that someone out there loves me for me.

(its not ever gonna happen, but believe it or not, im such a good liar i lie to myself convincingly)

Some poeple say its being delusional, for me its the way to be happy.

Berlin!!

Ah, post from my fantastic hostel in Berlin-the Jetpak. Its great- big rooms, toilet-with a bath, playsation and satellite TV. Oh, and great people at the counter. What more can i ask for?

There's so much to see in Berlin! absolute tons!! The city is humongous and the public transportation is messy (the map looks like a buncha snakes tangled together). And german isnt the easiest language to pick up. For me, its kinda like french- impossible to pronounce and harder to match what i hear to what i read. Still, its pretty cheap so that's a plus point.

Had a great tour tour of East berlin today- only cost me a fiver!! I could've got it for free, but the guy sure as hell deserved a tip. He ran us through the history of berlin and most of the major sights- the city's been through so much!! Most of the sights are on the eastern side- imagine, only 17 years ago, all under soviet rule!!

I felt really bad for main kejar-kejar with Z at the holocaust memorial. Its suppose to be a sombr reminder of all the Jews that died- going down to the information centre, we got to find out all about what the 3rd Reich (hitler) did to the Jews. It was terrible to read about. They make the exhibits very personal by delving into the lives of families who were affected by the holocaust- they showed that it wasnt just Jews, it was individuals, people like you and me, who were evicted by their homes in their own country, killed because they were 'different'. Im appaled at how human beings have it in us the ability to systematically exterminate (harsh term, but that was how it was done). Mobile gassing vans? Mass crematoriums running day and night? Making women strip, lie face down and shoot them in the back? That is sick and wrong.

enough sombreness for now-most of the sights in Berlin are fairly new (18th and 19th) century cos most of the place was bombed to bits in all the wars. Its been done up brilliantly (most of it) and berlin looks like a great modern city. If your ever in Berlin go for the 'free' tour. These guys know their stuff and the 3 hours fly by and you learn so much!

Not much else apart from good-ole sight seeing. My travelling mates arent the most wild party types and so i spent the saturday watching satellite tv movies (dubbed in german for about 1/2 an hour before i figured how to switch 'em back to english-hurrah, i felt so clever!) and now on sunday night we had just spent the past 2 hours in a mc-donalds in a train station and now im sitting here typing my blog while sipping a brew (only a euro, courtesy of the great hostel reception).

Wanted to hit the palace tomorrow, but sadly its closed. My travelling party are not too keen to do a walk of east belin to check out the museums so it may be the zoo. Or the sex museum. I prefer the walk or worse comes to worst, the latter.

A & E

I see them, sometimes
As i walk past
Headed home from a late night out
They're standing there, some pacing
All bracing, waiting
Most grim, a few in tears
Everytime, i hope that its just a scrape, a drunkard fall
That the flashing lights was so that they could beat a red light

DCFC again write of it so well, here's What Sarah Said:

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?.."


unimportant side note: i ripped my earlobe slightly today while i was removing a new earring i had put in a bit too enthusiasticly.I broke a nail in the process. I wont be messing with my ear lobes for awhile. Messed up my middle piercing on the right ear. The new piercing is healing well. I can palpate the clots inside, but they'll disappear in a while. Just gotta keep up the salt water washes and not mess around with it. I will resist.

Kiss kiss

Kiss kiss
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

Question-question time:

1. Who looks more kissable?

2. Is the dude cuter than me?

3. Is green eye shadow just too much?

4. Do people kiss with their eyes closed?

5. If someone held a gun to your head, and you had to snog one of us, who would it be? Or would you rather have a hole in the head?

Confessions

-I have not exercised for 2 weeks

-Im so fat now its unbelieveable

-i dont write real haikus: my form is incorrect

-i hate sharing my single bed: i love sleeping sprawled on my bed. If the other person/s in the bed is not into having my arms and legs akimbo and all over them, there's always my floor. I have lotsa-lotsa blankies, and the floor is comfy.....And no, im not going on the floor- it's my bed. But i like coming back to see that you've made my bed.

-My room is filthy. And i have 3 loads of laundry to do. I used my laundry money to watch 300.

-My kitchen in filthy. I have 4 piles of washing to do. 2 piles=1 sinkful.

-I have eaten so much cheese today. I had a cheese sandwich, cheesecake with a side of mascarpone and cheese on toast. Im lucky if i dont turn into a lump of gouda in my sleep.

-i dont want to do anything. I want to be a lady of leisure. I dont want to clean. And turn this pigsty into a palace.

-I have nine o'clock start tomorrow morning.

-Im disregarding my dire financial situation.


-i'll start cleaning in an hour. Gonna play theme hospital first. And then do laundry.

Lullaby for tonite, song to sing while im rowing

Lets play a game, as i let this lull me to sleep:

i wont put it all here, there are too many lyrics anyway, but short of putting the songs up themselves, heck, its all i can share

"The glove compartment is inaccurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.
-----\-----\-----\

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night."

Buenas noches

Back again

You know what- the week i promised not to blog there's lots of revelations and interesting things happening.

-I got a book this week- its a compilation of short stories and one of my mate's has written a story in there. It's his second published short story but it doesnt make it less amazing!

- An friend i hold in high regard has found this blog. See, the thing is, i project a good image for the rest of the world. This is where i let it all out. Well, most of it anyway. So yeah, if any of this is surprising, well, you're seeing the other side of me babes. It's not pretty, but its all me........

-I have a surprising ability to not care. Like i didnt care about this exam. I didnt study-wuddy. I didnt care. I couldnt care less. I wasnt worried, which is frightening. Because a key motivating factor for me to work is my fear of failure.

-I smell love in the air. And also cold. Spring has come, but not without a touch a frost. I hope hearts will melt and flowers will bloom. I was never good at gardening, but i'll try.

-Have been distracted by music these past few days. There's so much good music: the old, the new, the newly found. Listen to:

* The Roots feat Musiq: Break You Off (a song that makes me wanna get down )
*Fratellis: Henrietta (such a cute song, makes me wanna hop and twirl)
*Dido: Im No Angel & Dont Think of Me (reminds me of being young and stupid)
*Damien Rice: Accidental Babies (hehehe, the only song remotely related to my Human Development module)
*Bjork: I Have Seen It All (movie version, from dancer in the dark- haunting......makes me thank God for my senses and all the blessings, all the things i see and feel...........)
*The Cure: Boys Dont Cry & This is a Lie (now i get why they're so popular....)
*The Cardigans: I Need Some Fine Wine And You Need To Be Nicer (a cute song with dark undertones, and heck, i do need some fine wine and some people i know need to be nicer)
*Placebo: Meds, Drag, Pure Morning, Every You and Every Me and This Picture (im in enamoured with Brian Molko....)
*Frente: Bizzare Love Triangle (sweet song, and everytime i hear this song i think of my friend's flat in brunei. That was the first time i heard it)
*Death Cab FC: Sound of Settling & Tiny Vessels (these guys sing about life as it is- they make magic of the mundane)
*The Postal Service: Brand New Colony & Such Great Heights (they make me wanna fall in love so i can feel like that)

-I did 3 km in 13.15 on the ergs. A serious leg cramp followed and muscle ache that left me unable to lift left leg. But i was so happy i still can push myself like that. I did better on the water as well. This being fit thing is great! Gotta work at it though, im fat like shit now. No fat people on the team, guess why?

-Dance was good: im still a hippo in the studio, but a better coordinated one.

-Im still struggling with spanish. Will work on it though. Profesor (with eyes like the sea) seems to see hope. I love it when people see hope in me, when i dont. It makes me imagine they gotta see something, but really, i wear my shiny veneer thick.

-Watched 300!!!! Appeals to my man-man side. Yes, i do have one. I always wanted to be a boy- strong and unrelenting. Such a macho male movie (MMM). But damn, all those toned, muscular Spartan bodies- i'm watching for sheer eye candy (appeals to horny girl side too). And the jewellery. Xerxes has some mean decor on 'im. And the cheek piercing is waaay cool. Its just Xerxes is a bit too camp for me to take seriously. I guess they wanted to contrast him against Leonidas's sheer 'i have a eight-pack and i will never surrender or retreat' manliness. I love the ostentatious, over the top super styled finished look of the movie. It is a comic book made into a movie-frame per frame.

-There's something about powerfully muscular, rough looking men in very little clothing- can i get me one? Please? I promise to work hard in school if i get one.....please? Pretty please...... with whip cream and a cherry on top? Please...............

Last post this week

i promise!!!

i must go study-wuddy, i have an exam friday. I shall dedicate life to Human developement part 2 this week, well, till friday 4 oclock.

before i leave to dedicate my life for the next +/-4 and 1/2 days to the safety of mums and babies everywhere here's it is:

The postal service's brand new colony.

I'll be the grapes fermented
Bottled and served with the table set
In my finest suit, like a perfect gentleman

I'll be the fire escape
That's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings
That save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink

I'll be the phonograph
That plays your favorite albums back
As you're lying there, drifting off to sleep . . .

I'll be the platform shoes
And undo what heredity's done to you
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes

I'll be your winter coat
Buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch cold

I want to take you far
From the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free
From the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We'll give ourselves new names
(Identities erased)
The sun will heat the ground
Under our bare feet
In this brand new colony

Everything will change, ooo ooo . . .

I'd love it if someone would host an open tab for me at a bar somewhere...hehehe...hic!
I hope you feel like this.
Its hailing- just when i finished writing this and daddy texted-Faiz just passed his driving test. yay!!!! happy-ness!!!

Smoking- a review

Why is it i can go weeks without a cigarette and then, suddenly, i find myself in a funk and then i chain smoke my whole precious packet of Gauloises? That's actually a statement, not a question.
Yeah, i feel so cool smoking my fancy french cigarettes. Let me be immature and pretencious.

Smoking a cigarette calms me down. Smoking a few, quickly, gives me a head rush. Ive been told i smoke a cigarette like my life depended on it. He told me to slow down and enjoy it. Thanks for the lesson- i wouldnt have the joy of smoking without you.

Is it me or do my cigarettes burn faster than i can take 3 breaths? I may not be able to run tomorrow. Lungs are out. Work pneumocytes and macrophages, work!!

The price of cigarettes here and in Malaysia are equal to an hour's minimum wage. Actually a bit more than minimum wage in Malaysia.

So why do i do it? It actually calms me down. When im stressed i take a timeout and smoke. I breath deeply (its smoke, but im still breathing deeply). Its a stimulant, it gives me a buzz and then i fall slowly, feeling very calm and tired-then i sleep very well. That's why i must chain smoke to keep it going. It gives me something to do with my hands. I think i look cool smoking. I make friends smoking. They're having a cigarette, they smile and offer you one, 'yes, thank you- awful cold outside, isnt it?'-new friend made.

And smoking occasionally only reinforces the positive feedback of smoking. It's a Pavlovian thing. The reinforcement is stronger when the reward is not given consistently with the stimulus. I dont smoke all the time i'm stressed, but when i do, it feels good. I know how it works and i still am setting myself up for a addiction.

Smoke stings my eyes and i still dont inhale properly because it irritates my nose and throat. Could just be the Gauloises but i think all ciggies do that. Duh, but I do it anyway. I told myself years ago that i had a problem if i started smoking alone. I speak the truth when i dont mean to. And im in serious trouble because most of the time im the only smoker around. I have a ciggie on my walk to lectures or spanish class, a smoke in the kitchen while im washing dishes, or just one when im bored, alone in my room. Its no longer a 'social thing', its a comfort blanket.

Black Blood Brothers

From back to front, left to right: Cassandra Jill Warlock, Sage 'Alice' Eve, Kotaru, Jirou, Mimiko

A great anime!! Spent the whole sunday afternoon and evening watching it. Loved it, but then, i may be biased- i have a thing for vampire stuff.

But the anime is cute and the story quite interesting. Its about this one uber-vamp named Jirou who's like a hero in a great vampire war in 1997 hong kong. Fast forward 10 years later he's travelling with a cute 10 year old boy who he claims to be his brother (but they look nothing alike) to a secret city where all the vampires have ran off to after the war.

They get into a lot of trouble because this Jirou guy is just way to popular (in a people wanna kill him way) and a wierd breed of rogue vampires he killed off in hong kong are out to get him and his little bro. A nice lady, Mimiko, comes to his aide as a representative of the peace-keepers in this place he's travelling to. She crushes majorly on Jirou and even lets him drink her blood. It doesn't turn her into a vampire though, there needs to be an exchange of blood to transform.

The lot of them manage to get into this secret city but none of his old mates (from the war and way before that) wants to take him in. In fact, there are people who are trying to get rid of him. Everyone's got their own agenda, and somehow, Jirou is involved. He's not interested in anyone's business, but when people starts messing with his brother and Mimiko he gets pissed. Then an arch nemesis comes into town. She's out to destroy the city but Jirou thinks she's out to get his brother. So he proceeds to take her out.

In the end, he takes arch nemesis out, Mimiko foils the plan to destroy the city and the real reason why his little brother (Kotaru) doesnt look like him comes out. In the end Jirou, Kotaru and Mimiko move into a warehouse together (across the road from her apartment that got torched).

Jirou is typically serious, dark and broody but then comes across as naive, funny and innocent. He was dedicated to his sire and lover Alice, even after her death. He's hot, but what's with the outfit- the oversized witch's hat he wears make him look like he's halloweening everyday. But the silver-bladed katana he wields is super-cool. So are his powers. Kotaru is cute, blond-blue eyed with infectious happy-ness. You cant hate him, he's so adorable and perceptive for a 10 year old. Mimiko is ok, not my favourite of characters, but she's there for a reason. Its gotta be tough for a girl to fall in love with a vampire and knowing that his heart belongs to another (and in the end realize he's gonna die in plus minus 8 years.....).

And the whole thing about vampire bloodlines and reincarnation is nice. Adds an interesting twist. The thing is initially you think everyone is out to get Jirou and then at the end you realize he's just a popular guy who walked into a mess at the wrong time.

Too bad there's only 12 episodes- the story can really go somewhere. And if ever you're bored on a sunday afternoon, u-tube it. Its all there and if you can be bothered to find it, the song at the end is great.

threadless poetry

005/365
Originally uploaded by Aχιλλεύς.

Haikus are easy
but sometimes they dont make sense
refrigerator

If you're squemish, stop here

I pierced my own ears today!

I managed to successfully push the needle through,
sadly my aim was wonky so i pulled the needle out.

Gonna leave this initial hole to seal up
And aim true the next time.

I've been meaning to get bits pierced for ages. Havent got around to doing it, but i will! I didnt really want more ear piercings, but the past few weeks ive been entertaining the idea of two more holes on my right ear, going up from the two i already have.

Last night i asked another friend to pierce my ears- and she just told me to do it myself. She's done 3 holes on each ear all by herself. She gave me the 101 and a warning....

Its not like i decided to do it last night. I woke up this morning feeling good. I was looking in the mirror and pulled a push-pin from my board (conveniently an arm's length away). I dug in my drawer for an alcohol swab- cleaned the needle and my ear.

Stared in the mirror for a bit, put the needle on my skin, and just pushed it through.

I went in easily with hardly any pain. My flesh was soft and pliant- hardly any resistance until needle had to go through the skin on the other side. Even then, it was just a little pressure.

It wasnt painful, in fact, i kinda felt nothing. Just heat flooding that ear and a ever-so-slight rush.
I was surprised how easy it was. And painless. The only thing was i picked push-pin with a viridian green top and the hole i made was too close to the free edge of my ear. So out it went.
A small red prick mark is all that's left. Maybe a tiny spot of blood.

So yeah, its pretty easy. Just gotta keep it clean. And the right colour and location. And after a while, it feels good. The endogenous morphines are coursing now.

~Breathe (2 AM)-Anna Nalick~

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Im not contemplating suicide....

just wondering if i could leave all this behind

Quit this gig, work as a shop-girl somewhere and listen to music all day and read story books to sleep each night.

Travel the world, working odd jobs here and there, sleeping under a bridge or two.

Working in a little restaurant somewhere by the sea, living in a little hut, spending the days reading wikipedia and learning how to surf.

Just not having responsibilities, expectations or standards.

Now that, is truly a dream.

baa, bah this is the sound of settling

Life isnt perfect, but im cherishing what good days i get.

Missed my stop and had to backtrack- managed the very last train to whitechaple. Saw a cute boy on the tube with a bottle of champange and a splif. He got off at Whitechaple. Was to scared to ask for a puff or a sip.

Had Haagen Daz with old friends . Stories retold, crazy anectdotes exchanged and just being silly and bitchy. Creamy, sugary decadent high. Only left cos we needed the last tube.

Lion King is fun- lotsa fun bits for kids, bits to tap yer feet to, and one or two songs that were new to keep it interesting. The costumes and props were brilliant. That was the highlight of the show, apart from the energetic dancing and riotous colors.

Watched Lion King- seats were disappointingly high. H, the H, sat next to me. He's as beautiful as ever. Sweet too. I was happily sitting down, and when i looked up to see who i was sitting next to, i saw him. First thing i thought was, "oh, fuck." I was excited, but scared. Managed to have some decent conversation (margerita fueled so i was being an idiot- i am a gawky 10 year old around him). He distracted me from the show, cos he kept on brushing against me. And the view of his broad back as he leaned forward....He's still beautiful. And smart, and charming. He held my arm steady as i was trying to climb into my seat (i had to climb unto the next row to get to the loo). Sadly i didnt get to say goodbye. But i highly suspect he knows i adore him. Oh yeah, he knows. I just know it. I hope he's flattered and not disgusted.

Had Mexican food and a strawberry margerita at chiquitas at leicester sq. A good meal as always, and the company was excellent. Something about hanging out with old friends, such good laughs.

Met D at HMV Bond Street. Havent met him since the summer- he's been at Oxford for the past 2 months. Yes, ive been the bad friend. We had coffee- and D approved of the outfit: mostly new clothes- purple baby doll and leggings+gold jewellery and shoes+golden (non-murder) heels. Oh, and the celebrity sunnies. New pick up line: You look caramelatte. Boleh saya jilat kamu? The answer would be: Dipersilakan while proferring cheek. Courtesy of D. If you dont get it, well, its only right when D does it.

Dashed home, put on make-up and outfit.

Went to primark and peacocks. Bought trackies and a denim mini. I must be mad.

Only went for medsoc at 11. and left at 1. Everyone was lovely today and really helpful. I even had pudding at the cafeteria. :)

I managed to run 20 minutes in the morning. Had a banana and a bag of cheese and onion crisps on the tube.

Slept in, didnt wake up at 2 as intended. Its ok- i'll live yet.

Mailed friends and family. Had a lot to think about. Watched the Libertine- i didnt like it. Felt a bit pointless to me. Smart, but very pretencious and pointless. Maybe that was the point. Hmmm, no idea.

"The Sound Of Settling"

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah
[x2]

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah

-Oh, death cab, you knew how it feels like to sit next to H. Im too scared, im playing life too safe. What can a girl do, he's Beckham and im just Middlesbrough, he'll never play in my team.

Went shopping

Initially i went out to buy:
a) A bracelet my cousin wanted
b) Shoes for another cousin

I came home with:
a)above mentioned bracelet
b)Two pairs of shoes (one for me!)
c)Two babydoll dresses (adorable!!)
d)A pair of bug-eyed sunnies (i look so chic!)
d)Leggings
e)A kimono top for cousin (i felt guilty, i bought so many cute things for me....)
d)Handbag (it was a steal!)
c)Bracelets and the cutest pair of dangling earring-they've got skull and crossbones and heart shaped charms

The money used was for my classes: dance, spanish and reiki. I guess i gotta put my hands back into the cookie jar. Maybe its a good thing i dont go down to central london often. Looked at the damage one day has wrought.
My first attempt at rice porridge this morning has congealed to form a paste- Im melting it in water, drizzling loads of sesame oil and calling it dinner. I cant afford food now-aha, dieting strategy. Laugh all you want but when im skinny and fashionable, we'll see who has the last laugh!
Im still giddy from shopping excitement. Giddy, giddy, giddy......

"I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in french"
"Really?"
"Nah, I'll just carry on with work...."

faiz in the T-shirt i bought him-asleep....

faiz in the shirt i bought him-asleep....
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

Isnt he the cutest!!

Tonight, tonight, its gonna be perfect

time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change the less you feel

believe, believe in me, believe
that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight

and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light
and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
the place where you were born

believe, believe in me, believe
in the resolute urgency of now
and if you believe there's not a chance tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight

we'll crucify the insincere tonight
we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
we'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
the indescribable moments of your life tonight
the impossible is possible tonight
believe in me as i believe in you, tonight
-Smashing pumpkins- tonight, tonight

An epic song, one that changes lives and makes dreams.
I've forgotten how much i love smashing pumpkins

Here's another one i adore

I know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend
that lovers make amends
we are reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost

but please you know you're just like me
next time I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect
perfect strangers down the line
lovers out of time
memories unwind

so far I still know who you are
but now I wonder who I was...

angel, you know it's not the end
we'll always be good friends
the letters have been sent on

so please, you always were so free
you'll see, I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect strangers when we meet
strangers on the street
lovers while we sleep

perfect
you know this has to be
we always we're so free
we promised that we'd be
perfect
-smashing pumpkins- perfect

Sweet Dreams are made of Cheese

A study by the British Cheese Board came up with these suggestions for cheese to eat befor going to bed:

Cheese & Dream Study Results

Different Cheeses for Different Dreams

Red Leicester proved to be brilliant for helping participants to get a good night’s sleep – one quarter slept well every single night of the study, and 83% of all nights under the influence of Red Leicester were good sleep experiences. As for dreams, Red Leicester is the cheese to choose if you are feeling nostalgic about your past – over 60% of participants eating this cheese revisited their schooldays, or long-lost childhood friends, or previous family homes and hometowns.
Stilton -eating participants enjoyed their sleep too – over two thirds had good sleep experiences during five out of the seven nights. However, if you want some vivid or crazy dreams, the King of British cheeses is the one for you – particularly if you are female. While 75% of men in this category experienced odd and vivid dreams, a massive 85% of females who ate Stilton had some of the most bizarre dreams of the whole study – although none were described as bad experiences. Highlights included talking soft toys, lifts that move sideways, a vegetarian crocodile upset because it could not eat children, dinner party guests being traded for camels, soldiers fighting with each other with kittens instead of guns and a party in a lunatic asylum.
British Brie caused all participants to sleep very well, but dreams varied between males and females; women tended to experience very nice dreams, such as Jamie Oliver cooking dinner in their kitchens, or relaxing on a sunny beach. By contrast, the men who ate Brie experienced rather odd, obscure dreams, such as driving against a battleship, or having a drunken conversation with a dog.
If you are thinking of changing career, or just suspect there could be a slightly more ideal job out there, snack on a lump of creamy Lancashire before bed and you might get some guidance; two thirds of all Lancashire participants had a dream about work – but only 30% of these involved the participants’ real-life occupations. One ambitious dreamer saw herself as a successful Prime Minister - one of her popular reforms involved teaching useful finance in schools, including how to choose the right mortgage.
Cheddar -eating participants tended to dream of celebrities, ranging from the participant’s family sitting in a pub with Jordan, to a Glaswegian old firm football match with Gazza and Ally McCoist. Ashley from Coronation Street also featured, as did the cast of Emmerdale - and one lucky girl helped to form a human pyramid under the supervision of Johnny Depp.
However, if you just want a good night’s sleep without too many dreams, then choose lovely crumbly Cheshire . In this category, over half of all nights were dreamless, while participants stated that 76% of all Cheshire-induced sleeps were either “quite good” or “very good”.

For the rest of the study

I had a big chunk of red leicester last night before bed- slept like a baby.....Was aiming for nightmares cos i remembered a mate telling me how eating cheese before going to bed gave you nightmares. M suggested a study/research, but i guess the british cheese board beat me to it.
Sweet Cheesy Dreams......

Fireworks in the Park

Fireworks in the Park
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

This is a test run, been messing around flickr with no plan till i realize i can put pics on the blog thru flickr. lengthy, but at least i cease to be a text-only girl.
I like fireworks, dont you?

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

To do list: 6th March to 11th March

1. Do Spanish homework (due tomorrow)
2. Gym daily- the schedule is on the wall
3. Do pbl SIDS (due tomorrow)
4. Clear kitchen & organize tuppawares- they're all going missing!
5. Go to all classes
6. Go through HD lecture notes (by weekend)
7. Read through the learning landscapes (on friday)
8. Come up with Medsoc essay proposal, outline and stuff (by sunday)
9. Draw up diet plan- in concordance with SPP program aims and through calorie restriction combined with some good ole carb-reduction.
10. Email N.E, G.E, W, mom, dad and S.A.
11. Call grandma
12. Draw up study plan for the next 2 weeks
13. Study, study, study!!!

Being self-depreciating

My friends are great, so are my acquaintences. They achieve amazing things, they're so smart and they are doing interesting/amazing/mucho cool things with their lives.
They're doing it right
Im not
Im scared i'll wither to nothing and all will forget
Because i cease to be important
I do naugt that is worth
Speaking about

Its nice in Nice

I WENT TO CARNIVAL!!!!!!

I wasn't sure earlier-but i did it! The parades themselves were great- tonnes of flowers, people and floats. Not to mention tonnes of confetti and silly-string. Since it was carnival people were attacking each other (randomly) with silly-string. People would just spray you with silly string as you walk by- kids, teenagers, grown-ups....Initially we just screamed away and ran away. Then we got smart and got our own cans of silly string and retalited.....It was so much fun to squirt yards of silly string on some guy and then have all his friends spray you back and then you and your friends spray them back and run for it laughing. And then there was confetti, which got everywhere- in hair, baju, even got into my bra!

I was terribly excited by all parades- My favourites included the guys who sprayed paper ribbons into the air, the amazing flower floats (so much lovely flowers!), the medieval guys throwing flags, the dinosaur spewing shiny paper from its mouth.....so many cool things!!! I was a six year old again-clapping, cheering and smiling in glee. I hope my friends had as much fun as i did!

We woke late the on sunday. We went to KFC for lunch- its halal in Nice! Cool huh? Kenyang and warm we ended up on the beach. For more than 2 hours. We started with just sitting down, waiting for the grand carnival to start. We ended up lying down and napping on the beach, in a line. I took off most of my layers- trying to get a decent tan so that R doesnt think i have a pale chest anymore. I disappered for a short walk (to coax the two to get chummy) and had a nice french guy sit and chat with me.

I had an insanely expensive dinner- bouillabaise (a french seafood soup eaten with toasted bread covered in creamy stuff and cheeese and soaked in the soup till its soft....) and escargots. Wanted wine- but my conscience was there, in physical form. I initially couldnt say bouillabaise so i called it "bulat betis". It sounded close enough. French is a bloody hard language. I cant pronounce it, so reading the language is outta the question. The spelling for "bulat betis" was googled.

The incineration and fireworks were magical. I hope fireworks never lose their magic for me. They set the fire to the head of the king of the carnival ( a float, not a real person) and that was an inferno on a boat- i wondered what would happen if they had set the boat on fire as well....The fireworks were on the water, and it was beautiful. Set fire to the sky and the water. Unique cos the water reflects the light- and the sea was lovely, still and calm. I always make a wish, with lights and noise like that, God cant miss you. Some kid kept on spraying silly string on us during the fireworks and so when the fireworks ended we attacked him. His dad held his arms as we emptied our silly string cans on him....HAHAHAHA

Later, we sat huddled together on the beach for the longest while- why i have no idea. It was cold and kinda wet, but we were there, rolled together on the beach. I made a confetti offering and made wishes to Neptune. The water levels were coming up, and so we decided to go find us a club to chill and party. We ended up in an old part of town- pretty, with little pubs and bars...We didnt find a club/bar/pub we like but we did find Fenochios- the winner of Nice's Golden Cone Award. They deserve it- 96 flavours of ice-cream!! Baskin Robbins, bow before your master.....I had the lavender flavour- it smells like potpurri and tasted ok-probably what potpurri would taste like.....Then we were accosted (in a good way) by a cute french boy who took an instant liking to our boy. And us. He was obviously drunk, but very friendly. Spoke for ages with our boy and then did capoiera moves for our entertainment. Then he proceded to show us how the french pray: by praying/singing at the top of his voice while peeing into a fountain. We were appaled: i was amused, S shocked, our boy incredulous. We hung about a bit more and then made our escape. We dragged ourselves back to the hotel- tired.

Our plan was to watch the sunrise, but no one woke up in time-we liked our sleep too much. Rushed to the airport, checked in and sat on the floor in a corner of the airport eating breakfast. We sent off our boy (kinda sad- we loved having him around) to the bus and we flew back.

Skipped class, had lamb ribs for lunch and crawled home. I dont want to be here. I like Nice.
A lot. It was a great weekend. I'm gonna try and make this our new tradition. A weekend every once and awhile- we actually enjoy each other's company and didnt want to kill each other in the end. I need to find me a man though- i dont think we can share our boy, not for long anyway.

blip, blip

Watch this, really, you must!

Feeling downy, need a laugh?
Ignore the title of this video and just watch.
You'll love it.
Really.
If you dont at least smile,
you have no sense of humour
Watch
More funny stuff

i dont know how i'll be able to do this job

Today was medicine in society- we go to hospital to talk to patients about their experience of disease, not about the disease itself. I’m in care of the elderly for this year and today’s visit has made me real sad. There was this old man we talked to that reminded me so much of my granddad. I miss him so much. He passed away when I was 19 and till today I still feel guilty about not being there when he passed away. He asked to see us, my brother and me, and we weren’t there. We were in the car, rushing to the hospital.

He spoilt me as a child- I remember still riding in the basket if the motorcycle to go to the shop for snacks. He placed a lot of importance in education- he wasn’t what you’d call highly educated, but he kept up with the news and read the Quran everyday. He was my family’s religious cornerstone. He’d say a special prayer for us every time we were ill or had an exam. Atuk was sharp and observant up to the end. He never forgot names or directions. He’d always tell us to work hard in school- that was one of the things he told my mom to tell us at the end. I remembered how happy he’d be when I told him of the A’s I got in exams- he’d actually cheer and whoop. He was so proud to know I went to college and wanted to do medicine. It’s a shame that he didn’t get to see me go to university.

Im crying as I write this- I miss his enthusiasm, his optimism and his belief in my ability. I miss atuk’s jokes and roaring laughter. How his white beard (I remember it as always being white) would tickle my cheek as I gave him a kiss. He would have loved the postcards that I send to grandma from the places I visit.

Atuk’s memory reminds me why I’m doing this and why it’s worth it. I hope he’ll be proud.

From Frank Turner's The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Everybody's got themselves a plan
Everybody thinks they'll be the man
Including the girls.
-
None of this is going anywhere,
Pretty soon we'll all be old
And no one left will really care
About our glory days, when we sold our souls

But if you're all about the destination
Then take a fucking flight
We're going nowhere slowly
But we're seeing all the sights
And we're definately going to hell
But we'll have all the best stories to tell

Curious?

Happy 22nd Birthday Liez!!

Im twenty-two today. At about 5.05 pm actually. Had two cakes, friends singing, a candle and learnt mahjong. All in a day.

My package from Amazon arrived- i'm listening to the great sound of Frank Turner....this guy is great. I can connect with his music and his lyrics at an emotional level- a kinda deep insightful wisdom into the everyday things that happen in life. He sounds folksy too.....Love it...

I got my Spanish book and CD. Now i learn on my own time! Hopefully...........

At midnight E had come to my room to ask me down for a game of mahjong. I said cool, gimme a minute. I picked up the dirty dishes from my room to drop off at the kitchen and a sleeping bag to return to E's flatmate. I was surprised in my kitchen by friends with a song and cheesecake!! It was quite a surprise. I honestly didn't expect it, i'm not the kind of person people do this for. After cake, a bunch of us sat down to learn mahjong. I've grasped the basics, so i guess its all down to practise now. Slept at about 3 and.....

Woke late today, and messed around with radio.blog.club. Its cool; you get to find music to put in a playlist to stream. For someone who cant download music, this is a blessing. And i can look for that old song i miss or listen to something someone recommended. Its wicked.

I dragged myself to a lecture-its about babies. About baby problems. That's all its gonna be this month, babies and more baby issues. Today was a baby day on TV. Everyone was getting preggers and giving birth. What a mess.

I managed to blag it through PBL- i must say, im quite impressed by my blagging skills. It's improving at a decent rate. Though i suspect my tutor thinks im an airheaded twat.

I picked up my package from the post office and went home to listen to frank turner. I was charmed and so brought the cd to 16 Moody Street. The girls had baked me a cake and made me a card- i even had a candle!!

I just ate more cake and watched tv for 4 hours- most of it about babies and children. There's no escaping babies. They're everywhere!!!!!

I walked home at about 10.....I had straightened my hair there and gave myself an 'emo' fringe. I thought i looked cool, and the boys who turned around to check me out as i got on the back door of the bus must have thought so too. I love my hair when its being nice. Even have carrot cake for my midnight snack.

So, before the day is done, here's my birthday speech:

The highest praises to Allah Almighty for letting me get this far. Thank you for all the blessings and all the love. I appreciate all that i've been given. I ask for forgiveness and blessings for my family, friends and myself. I wanna say thanks to mom and dad- i love you guys so much and miss you SOOO much. I just dont wanna show it cos you're gonna think im an absolute wuss. To my family- i miss the whole bunch of you loads. My sweet and tough grannies, my all grown-up lil bro, my lovely uncles and aunts, my naughty cousins, and the rest of you lot.....And to my friends far away and near- you guys alway manage to surprise me. I may be bitchy, never call or write but know that my friends are forever. I love you guys too.....Im glad to still be here and to have all of you with me.

Birthdays have always been a bit shit for me. I think it must be the over-expectation. Either that or the fact that im a year closer dying gets to me.

Two freshers have died. One in a freak car accident and another of health complications, in floyer house. I've seen him around, looking perfectly well. A few people ive talked to were close to him. I guess deaths, especially of people so young serves as a reminder that it can happen anytime to anyone. And it will- in time.

OST- My life, the musical!

Thanks K for the inspiration and the laughs. Excellent entry in the comments as well, Prince Ali.
Here's how it goes:
1. Put your media player into shuffle mode with all your music available.
2. Let it play
3.What's the 10 top songs that come up (and keep them in order they play in)
4. Place them in order into the major life events
5.Write your story!

here's my first attempt....

Intro: Anywhere on this road (Lhasa de Sela)
School: Shiny (Decemberist)
Falling in love: Assasin (Muse)
Fight scene: Lying from you (Linkin Park)
Break up: A smile that explodes (Joseph Arthur)
Get back together: Runaway (Linkin Park)- macam tak get back together jer
Wedding: Look of love (Grover Washington Jr.)- some early 90's sounding instrumental jazz number
Birth of kid: Saat aku lanjut usia (Sheila on 7)
Death: That i would be good (Alanis Morrisette)

Ahh- looks like a typical tragic drama-rama with a happy ending.
A childhood filled with impermanence and yearning for security and unconditional love.
Getting up to a whole lot of antics in school but never meaning to cause anyone any harm.
Falls in love at with a boy who's a revolutionary? (im stretching myself here, assasin is not a fall in love song, is it now?)
We fight at home, over dinner about his revolutionary work. What started off as conversation turns into us screaming horrible accusations at each other. It ends with us storming away, me packing my bags to leave.
There is no real break up, no words spoken after the fight. I wake up realizing how much i love him. Never quite getting around to telling him how i feel.
Linkin park again? This is so not a get back together song. He finds me at a friends home. He's being hunted down by the police. He tells me he cant stay in the country anymore, he has to leave. Now. He asks me to follow. I concede, for the love of the boy.
Married in a simple ceremony with surrounded by new friends in a foreign country. A funky jazzy tune the Dj plays as the guests are eating. Its that kinda song.....
Well, not really a song about the kid, but more about our relationship. How we'll still be together when we're old and creaky.
And it ends with a song about living the best i can with what life hands out-good or bad. Like this story, making the best out of a really wierd shuffle.

Girlies now take a stand and wee with help from the Magic Cone!

That's why its called the Magic Cone!
Its a device that forms a funnel that fits against the the body and funnels pee into a direct stream in a downwards direction....
I think its great-no more having to get bums down on anything....A blessing at camping and long road trips. I wonder if it can be used to pee into bottles?
Only down point is that its a bit pricey.

Listening to Rufus Wainwright sing in french

and spying on into the hall, with my head on my window ledge, half wishing he'd turn around and see me. Nothing more romantic (Rufus Wainwright singing in french, not me spying on a Welsh boy).

Welsh Daydreamings

I'm currently crushing on a charming Welsh boy i met while dissecting. He's very good with scaples but a bit too keen to chop and slice. He's now practising some play in the hall- I can spy him from my room.....

When he speaks my knees turn a bit jelly. I love his adorable accent- it sounds so cute and pretty. The moment i crushed was when he hummed along to 'whistle while you work'- i was singing cos i had a tough bit to slicing to do.

Charming as he is though, it is a silly crush with no real viability. Just daydreaming- did a lot of that on the bus to Cardiff.

Wouldn't it be funny if I'd marry a nice Welsh boy? We'd live in a village somewhere, or maybe even a farm. We'd rear sheep and cows and I'd be the first producer of halal Aberdeen Angus steaks in Wales and maybe even Britain. The children would speak Bahasa and Welsh- probably a combination never seen before.

Cardiff is a lovely city- clean and nicely sized. Lots of older buildings, with a castle in the middle of town. It gets a bit rowdy on a friday and saturday night- the streets looked like a parade just passed by. The Malaysians i met and hung out with are lovely! Thanks for letting us stay at yor place and taking care of us! The Malaysian night was entertaining though it was a bit dull at parts. The play was different- it looked into sticky issues that arent the usual fodder of malaysian nights. Still, it managed to be light-hearted and funny....Reminded me terribly of DJ, old friends and home. Not going home pangs are hitting a bit hard.

Had a excellent weekend and now its back to school. Starting a new program to attain physical perfection (or at least move a few milimeters in that direction) on top of rowing training. Its the S.P.P: Six pack program. The aim is to develop the rectus abdominis, external oblique and internal oblique muscles and also to remove the fatty layers covering these muscles so that the definitions of these muscles can be seen externally.
To put it simply is to have a lean, flat, solid stomach. *Insyaallah, Amin*

If it works, i may even get my Welsh boy. Doesnt have to be the current crush......Id be happy with a 6 foot, broad shouldered half Spanish, half Welsh boy named Jorge. As long as he doesnt have red-hair, i'd be happy. Im simple like that........... *now you can snicker and roll your eyes*

What im doing to getting through the anatomy exam

1. Listening to New Found Glory (dont snicker) and Daft Punk
2. Finish a tray of most-excellent-near-frozen-made-yesterday-super-yummy-eliza's-own tiramisu.
3. Get tiramisu bits on anatomy book
4. Sleep from 12 noon to half 6
5. Dress up to go to the library and then dont leave the room
6. Write email to mom telling her about S.A.D and M.E.N.F.M.Y.S.Y.E.O tiramisu
7. Ponder life's questions
8.Blog unnecessarily
9. Worry
10.Study

14 hours to go. Wish me luck!

To be fair, life hasnt been horrible

Im guilty of magnifying my miseries. I've not mentioned dissection in a good light at all- the smell are certainly unpleasant, but im engrossed in what im doing.

First up, the people who donate their bodies to science are, to quote the cliche, giving a great contribution to us and science. They're stellar and legends in my book. I know its a great thing to do, but i wont do it. My organs i'll donate but not the rest of me.

Initially i was freaked out by the thought of it, cutting open the body of a formerly-alive person. On the day i faked bravery and went for it. I really didnt want touch the body or breath even. The smell was making me feel physically sick. I said a prayer, to ward off any bad spirits and asking for the strength to stay standing through the day.

I managed it though, and learnt a lot. I learnt a lot because of you, person-who-donated your body. Thank you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later: 9th march 2006. This is so secret im hiding it here

I'm secretly very, very lonely. Im still a sad loner freak who has no friends. No one to hang out with on a friday night. No one to hang out with, ever.

I need constant love, attention and praise- if i dont i feel worthless

I've never been kissed

There's no one to call if i need to hear a friendly voice at 2 in the morning

Its been this way for a long time, if not forever. Is there something wrong with me?

I dont remember things as well as i used to. Im only 22, i cant be losing my memory, can i?

Its a whiny night

You know Brick, the ben fold five song? Its heart breaking. Ive stopped listening to set fire to the third bar on loop-that'll keep me sane..........

I'm unhappy because they're all my friends. He's my friend. Im even being friendly, kind and supportive.

See, if i was truly bitchy and really wanted this guy i would be evil (and totally try to snatch him outta this other girl's hands. Her fucking pretty, soft and sweet hands). But I know deep down inside that im wasting my time and i know that he's definately buddy material.

So there. Get over it. Stop being a twat eliza. Be supportive instead. And nice. Friendly too. And remember, if everything goes pear shaped with the two of them, you'll still have friends. If it goes well you'll have happy friends.

Elementary, my dear Watson, tells me his path will be difficult. But she'll yield. Slowly. It's a skill these kind of girls have, keeping men baited and asking for more without compromising anything. But he has tricks up his sleeve too. I can just tell.

Had a most random conversation with a mate.
Obviously a drunkard call.

You know its bad when someone calls, starts whining misogynisticly and whinges enviously of other's (sexual) good fortune.

The truth is we all just need to get laid and get it out of our system. We'd be happier, healtier and waste less time whining, plotting, planning, trying to look good if we all could just get sex when we need it. Which in many cases is often.

I'll put it on my christmas list:

I want a guitar
I want a car
I want to get laid
I want a boyfriend.

It doesnt have to be in that order either.

For a moment i was worried that was a booty call. Nah, it couldnt be. Geesh, no way.

Set fire to the third bar

This song is today's theme song. Missing those far away and the one i'm yet to meet (my romantic side is taking over, it's S.A.D.(singles awareness day) after all, so let me mush).

I miss having people that love me around. Family (my daddy and bro didnt send me a valentine's this year.....its ok, they're both busy i suppose. Still, i did get Missie the bear and choccies from faiz and a A&W bear from daddy). I miss hugs and cuddles. I miss being kissed and spoiled rotten.

I miss him. Im almost sure he loved me in spite of it all. Im sure i drove him crazy with my demands and antics. I havent changed much, life hasnt changed much, the only thing is he's gone away. I havent called anyone at 3 a.m for a whine and a cry since him. My liquor supplier, my boy when one was needed, my girl when needed, my muse, my fashion guru and editor. The one who had his homework ready for me to copy in the morning. The one who remembered the first time he met me (and no, i didnt make the greatest impression). I loved our phone conversations- me lying on my kitchen floor for hours talking about absolutely nothing. My mother glaring at me as i try to muffle out the curses.

He left a mark in my life. I only hope that i left a decent memory. We still talk, but distance is a terrible barrier, though i think of him often.

Maybe im wrong. We have changed, me and him. That's what people do. Im sure if we talked more, it would all be ok. I could never express myself well in writing anyway-i say more with changes in tone, inflections of voice and the words i use.

I always had a nagging fear he'd love others more than me. Not at all because he made me feel insecure, its because i know everyone is better than me; and so he'd like their company more- im such a jealous freak, even with friends. Im a freak. Yes, im 'fessing up. That's a reason Shazzers never got introduced-he'd so love her more. I couldn't take that. Im already amazingly jealous of her, i couldn't take it if he liked her more than me. Im so psycho, im freaking me out. I cant beat Jacob, and honestly i dont want to-he's like Soulmate. I've never seen him so happy with someone.

So yeah, whenever i think im not loved i just remember that i have friends who loved me (i hope they still do). I love them too, all of them, friends and family- im just really bad at letting it show. Im such a bleeding heart, soppy whiner now, i wonder where my uber bitch side went. Uber bitch side loves them too, just wouldnt whine about it so. Must just be S.A.D. What a fuck-up of a day.

Tomorrow i'll start starving again. Why is for tomorrow. Just let this fucking S.A.D. day end. Im gonna go have tiramisu, so much for drowing sorrows with vodka.

"You're such a sad fuck Liza," says uber bitch

"Shut up biatch, you know im better and good-er. You're not suppose to drink anyway, it's like devil's piss. And being sad is not a bad thing. It give a sense of perspective," retorted Liza

Uber bitch snorts and goes, "you're such a sad little fuck. F-ugly, look where being a decent girl has brought you. You're in your room alone, with a lot to study and known to only your few friends. Where's the fun, glamour and glory in that? You're fading into obscurity honey, for all your decency."

"Well, all this world is impermanent anyway. Its all about living well firstly by God and then by people. You dont wannna end up in hell, do you?" calmly Liza replies

Uber bitch falters slightly. Its hard to argue the Hell Argument. There's no arguing really-there's heaven and hell and in the end, im gonna end up somewhere. "Well, i'm in awe of those who can do that-these amazing women that seem to be able to live by God's rules and still have fun and fulfilling lives. We're lost. We're torn between knowing what is right but wanting what is wrong. Fleshy human desires. We share them. It is part of us. We fight the best we can, but here we are being overwhelmed. Temptation everywhere. Worse, we know how they feel, how much we enjoyed it. We have tasted the forbidden, and guilty as we are, we enjoyed it in that moment. The demon is within and around us. "

Liza looks grim. "I guess we just have to fight it. Each of us will have our own battles and this maybe the way God is judging us. Maybe we need not save the world, raise millions for charity or save lives. Maybe our saving grace is us denying temptation. God's been merciful, and you dont know how long its gonna last."

"I dont how to reply. All you're saying is true. I've heard it all before. And still, the demons in me are so seductive with their false promises. I dont know why i think i'll be happier drunk and on drugs. I dont know why i think having men fall over my feet will make my life become more meaningful. I dont understand why i imagine my life would be more fulfilling as a free hippie instead of a doctor. Why do i think having everyone envying me will make me a better person? " say uber bitch, shrugging her shoulders.

"Well, that what the devil does. That's its purpose. And we have ours, and you know what that is. It was so easy wasnt it, when everyone was good too. I almost believed we could be that good always. But here, its terrible. We broke all the rules. All. Apart from that we forgotten our responsibilities," says Liza, shaking her bowed head.

"At least we know what's right. Guilt sucks. I remember the time we did all our crap without an ounce of guilt. But now guilt plagues us. We might leave our responsibilities behind and go wild, but guilt is a shadow-, sometimes forgotten, but always there, dark and foreboding under the bright light of retrospection," mulled uber bitch.

"So?" asked Liza, with raised eyebrows.

Uber bitch looks almost sad as she says, "I dont know. I almost feel like we have already given in and are too far lost. I am tempted to tell us to just go out and go wild then repent. I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be, but............."

"Isnt easier to decide now and stick by our guns. Be principled for once. For all your bitchiness you lack a spine," Liza barks back.

"We're indecisive, and you know that," says uber bitch, sounding even sadder

"Till when? We're gonna have this argument everytime. Each time. And sometimes we'll win, we'll do the right thing. But then, i pray rarely, the demons win. And we lose. When they win we always lose. Dont you realize that?" Liza says. For harsh words, her tone is gentle, pleading. She continues, " perhaps one day we'll live by principles, and be done with all this questioning, arguing the obvious."

Liza gives uber bitch a hug. They're one and the same in the end. Just different personalities, wanting different things in this life, but really just looking for happiness, redemption and God's grace.

My hair is dark brown waves floating about my face. I can still smell the sickening salty scent of dead preserved bodies mingled with the smell of my sweat. The occasional raindrop hitting my window, the hum of my radiator, the irregular tap-tap of me typing. My hands stink of formalin and the rubber gloves.

I spent the last hour being miserable and choosing Shins's birthday cake. I walked home in the rain. It's not the cleansing shower that purifies the air and takes your sins and miseries with it as it runs down your face. This is not that. It spits and drips, not making anything wet, just making things damp. There's no fun it spitting rain. The puddles just mess up sneakers, not being deep enough to reallly have fun in. Cant sing and dance-it's merely spitting.

And if i cry, people can still tell im crying.

Been having a bad day. Not disasterous, just emotionally i feel like a wreck. I feel alone and useless. I fear my existance has no meaning. Lost, i cannot anticipate what is going to happen next. I worry that whatever it is, it isnt good. Again i have lost my faith in male-kind ( given, i dont exactly spend my time with the most shining examples of chivalry but i think they represent the masses better than the those amazing people romancenovelist write about ). My intellect is failing me, so is my body. I cannot study and i am getting fatter and more stupid as the days go by.

I know the reason and cause of all this is because im fat and f-ugly. My lack of talent doesnt help either. Charmless, witless, and a bore- im duller than dust. Not particularly intelligent- there's not much about me that would attract or intrigue. I also not flushed- money in my opinion can buy anything (love, adoration and all of the stuff im lacking). Oh, and did i mention i have horrible insides? I dont mean like internal organs, but like my soul. My soul's as f-ugly if not f-uglier that the outside. Its full of evil wants and needs, envy, hatred and anger. There's no redeeming thing about me. I've been missing prayers and started drinking again. Feeling guilty but not enough to make me get back on the straight and narrow. My demons are back-and they want to stay. But im too sensible to let them have free reign. Thus, i become boring. But never prim or unexciting enough to be good. Always searching for the next thrill. And what's more thrilling than breaking the rules? But then, sensibility and guilt kicks in. A horrible vicious circle that leaves me drained and unfullfilled. Guilt-ridden and miserable.

But at the moment im sad because im alone again on 'single's awareness day', i wont be going home to where people love me even though im a fat-f-ugly person, and i feel whatever i do its under appreciated. Oh, and im not doing that great in school either, that weighs on my mind heavy. And i cant construct decent sentences or speak spanish.

Please help me God- because all i can think about is to drown my sorrows in vodka and movies. I know its wrong and bad, but i feel terrible.

im not sure if the churning of my stomach is because of the coffee
or from fear

I dont know what to do now
I really dont want to fail

Im stupid and unkind.
Evil and vile
I hate myself
anf the things
i do, think and feel
im just so shitty inside
i good faker
that's all i am

I tell myself i should do things
but i dont
i try and try and try
but it never works out

i am weak and hopeless
watch me fail

Tiny Sepuku

I love this guy. A sardonic twist on love and life. A fresh, cynical perspective in a cute cartoon format everyone can and will love.

Check it out

i dont want to end up alone. Everyone keeps on playing with that fear. In the end, we are all really alone. No company in purgatory darling-you're on your own.

Still doesnt mean we should be alone in this plane.

So yeah, play on my fear of being alone.

Go ahead, i dare you. Spend time with me. See how you like it.

Anxiety attack. I fear everything will crumble around me. I am inadequet and lazy. Im sick and tired. So tired....i could sleep for a week. Ive bitten off more than i can chew. SHIT!!!

Family - of the Extended Kind

Ah, mi famili. Love them, hate them, im stuck with them. There's no running away from family, no escape.
My family can be aptly described as the 'Hindustan' kind. Like the kinds in Bollywood movies, complete with the crew of naughty cousins and pesky grandmas. And grand aunts/uncles/2nd cousins/very close family friends. Who tend to, at least once a year, descend upon my house and wreck insane havoc as only family can. Im just waiting for one of the uncles to get a mansion. With big gardens-then me and the cousins can come up with engaging song-and-dance routines.
Hehehehe
But in all honesty, i love my family. I wouldn't know how i'd survive without them. Im in a privilaged and unique position. I'm the eldest granddaughter on daddy's side and the only granddaughter on mom's. I was mollycoddled since the day i was born. There wasnt anyone else to coddle till Faiz was born 4 years later.
I was over fed, spoilt and if it is possible, over-loved as a baby. Even now i feel a tad bit over-loved. They still feed me too much. Even if i am on another continent. My family will find a way to get homecooked food my way. By hook or by crook. I love your beef curry, Dadi!!
Still, privilage comes with expectations and in so far im doing what is expected of me. I set a fairly good example (on the surface anyway) for my darling cousins back home. (i do love those brats, for all their bratty-ness).
I wonder why we love family so. Even though we dont choose our family-we just get handed them when we're born. These people who love me- sometimes, i wonder why they do.......... You cant hate family-they may annoy, exasperate, infuriate but in the end all is forgiven. Family is family.
I'm not the best daughter/sister/cousin/niece/grandchild but they love me nonetheless. I keep on missing/forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and exam results. I will make fun of bad hair or seriously nasty outfits. I will be sour and sullen at family gatherings.
But I do care. And i love all of you. You're family.

I still cannot post pictures

Forgive me for being boring. Lo siento para no fotografio.

Stupid slow internet

Cant upload anything

Kindergarden

Politics is like kindergarden.

We never grow up, its just the environment changes. Instead of friends we have ally countries, instead of fighting over sweets we fight over trade rights, instead of seeing who can run the fastest we have the nuclear arms race.

I hate it when people refuse to compromise about little things. When they cannot put petty things behind and look at the collective good. To put personal feelings aside for a moment and be logical and objective.

To consider that perhap that there was malice from both sides. One side expecting too much, the other a bit to self absorbed to care. They were close. He would confide in her, tell her his thoughts. She enjoyed his company, entertain him with her witticisms. He would wander to her side, to talk. She would make him laugh and they would make fun of each other.

One day it got too far. She cut too deep. He refused to let her in. She was livid. Cutting off the friendship, which was already strained by the distance seperating them. They continued living their separate lives. Him, absorbed in work, forget that he had barred her from a part of his life. She let her anger simmer quietly.

There is no acceptance, no forgiveness from her side. He had spurned her.

He was busy and forgot. He only came back because there was something he desired.

She refused to give in. He was close to begging, but never quite hitting a cord. And so, all around them, people were affected. She has her beloved, could she not ignore his presence? Why does it have to be difficult for everyone else? Everyone puts on a farce for the sake of making peace in the world, why cant she?

What travelling solo has taught me

I never did write about the trip, did i?
Well, here's a quick summary of what i learnt:

*a whole load of spanish

*people are lovely and are generally kind.

*being shy is not worth the whole being mysterious thing

*I feel God's grace through the kindness of strangers

*Getting lost is not necessarily a bad thing. You may waste time and get really tired, but you see, experience and feel more. You may never know where you end up, so for backup always have a map. Just in case. (its not only a travel thing, but a life thing too)

*I like art, but 2 huge art galleries in a day is waaay too much. Greco is an amazing artist. His subject matter may be very christian, but the way he uses light and shadow, colour and contrast-just blows me away. Oh, and Goya's black paintings were straight up disturbing.

*I equate modern art to a form of mind rape. It just messes up my head- i dont like people messing around with my intrepretation of space and shape, making me feel and think things i dont want to.

*I can be responsible for myself.

*Spending time by myself is nice, but i need human interaction too. I missed family and friends.

*You can be yourself and people can choose to like you or not. If they dont like you, wont accept you for the absolutely trashed mess that you are, then hey, that's their loss. There's more people to kacau and meet anyway. It surprised me how many people actually hung with boring old, trashy messy me.

*I must see more of the world. Its not just the sights that was amazing, its also all these people i met.

Yeah, that's about the gist of it. On the bus, driving past olive groves as far as the eyes can see, i thought of something. If i am unattached, uncommitted and finished with FY1 and FY2 when im 28 or something, i would take a year or even two off. To volunteer, to travel, to go to mardi gras in rio, climb mountains and insane stuff like that.

See, the whole getting lost thing. And i will be nice to strangers.

Daily report

Had something that is could be classified as a bad day.

I woke late.
My body hurts. Exquisitely.
PBL was terrible. Contributed nothing to the discussion.
Ate too much again.
And im missing a friend's birthday for dance. Skewed priorities. Must send a card. Must!

At least i called my parents. They miss me. Something is going on, they're not telling me. I know these things.
About not learning spanish-I complained, and dear miss Janet says she'll try and get me a refund. In six weeks, if her people say ok. I suspect i may be fucking going to Shadwell next week.
At least i got away with knowing nothing at PBL.
And i dont have to run today :)

People i consider friends are having fun without me. I am not the life of the party. I have no life.

I'm asking for help: let me do well this semester. Let me do well in all the pies i poke my fingers into. Please help me be the life of the party too.......

Not learning spanish

I came back in rage. Almost in tears.
I was so happy when i left the flat-high from a ridiculous amount of exercise, had given away clothes to C and looking forward to saying, "ola, qe ta?" and getting "ah, muay bien" as a reply.
Except, it was not to be.
I walked in, happily waited my turn to ask the girl at the counter where my class was. It took her fucking 20 minutes to tell me that my class was at another centre. Why not take the tube there-its really near?
Fuck that. If i wanted to go for a class there i would've registered there. I was pissed. I asked her to refund my class fees. She starts faffing about, telling me to come back tomorrow.
Since it was pretty early, i decided,''let's see if i can still make it for the last hour of the class at the other centre.''
Did i mention i hate stupid maps-maps which distort reality, are not relative and doesnt label small roads or show traffic lights and intersections?
Fucking stupid map. I walked for 40 mins then gave up. Coming down from my high, tired and in rage. White hot, illogical rage. I wanted to hurt myself. Scream. Do something.
I came home to whine to A.
He is docile in his approach to me being pissed and gorging on ben and jerry's. He is no help in disapating anger. He recommends theme hospital. I try it. That fucking frustrates me too. Something is fucked in that game.
I try lying down. Only make me feel helpless. So i get up, clean my bed, my table, and then fix my shoes. I patch up the black ones, clean and change the laces for my adidas and fix the heel on my datin shoes. I repainted my battered converse-ques-londsdales: now the room smells of chemicals. Im still not high.
Through the whole shoe fixing thing i listened to linkin park. They are fucking geniuses. No other band captures helplessness, anger and existenial angst and puts it in songs the way they do. I would take a year off whatever i do in this life to be a groupie when they are on tour. I will do their laundry, clean their tour bus, anything. They're probably the only band i would do that for.
Now that shoes are done, i shall start on pbl.
Writing is my catharsis.
Who gives a fuck, i know no one reads it-as long as its out there. It's the potential. Hope is really shit, but it is good shit. Hope is worst than any drug. It keeps you going when you should really give up, it makes you think it'll be better tomorrow-all you need is a bit of hope.
Fuck that.
It'll never happen.
There is no hope.
It's time to give up.
Hope is useless.
GIVE UP.

she's doing well

She,
The one i spend my time
writing about
The one i want to be
the one i envy

Just writing to say
that she's doing better then ever
Flourishing
from time spent with beloved
among adoring friends and family
with fresh experiences

Need i say more?

My dilemma

i sit there and stare
i mouth the words
i say things
heard,
but not heeded.

Pained, i let them decree my joy.

I follow, for i fear disapproval.

I make not waves.
A bouy floats, it resists not.

And so i trash about, moving as they please
I say nothing
when it means so much
they do not listen
they do not know how

I dare not
For i will be
A sad loner freak
No more

I am the cause of my own misery.

How i wish
I could break free
Of the binds that tie me to
this spot of sea.

The cord is long
The waters deep
The seabed dark
And foundations strongs

Will i be happier floating free?
Or will i just feel lost
Just-by-myself-me?
Will i ever find
Kindreds who love me true

Do they exist
Or do i keep lying
To myself
To pass by
The endless floating days

Loyalties

Where does my loyalty lie?
What do i do?
Faced with a dilemma,
and i have to choose.........

I have no integrity
My principles are awry
I hold on to nothing
But to save what is mine

So i do what i think
Is best for me
I let my loyalty float
Like a buoy in the sea

As long as i stay afloat
In the turbulent sea

Memento Mori

Its disturbing when 'memento mori' is a recurring phrase that pops up. It all began when i googled tattooed teddy. I was bored. Once search that came out was the movie 'memento', which coincidentally, was on this ad for free dvd rentals at floyer (my hall). I managed to get my hands on the movie (shazzer's). The movie is cool, well different from anything ive seen before. I wikipediaed the movie, to only read about 'memento mori'- a phrase that in latin means 'remember that you are mortal'.
A few days later i read a book about murder and intrigue in ancient rome, and the phrase memento mori comes up. Its wierd because i would never pay attention to it, except i knew what memento mori meant.
Today, i was sifting through stuff to stick on my travel scrapbook (which im happy to note, is done now!) i see a postcard. I flipped it over and there was this picture of a skull- a drawing by an artist, entitled 'memento mori'.

Why am i being reminded i'm mortal?
Im kinda scared.
I fear dying. I still think im too young to die. Ive not atoned for all my sins. There is a high probability i will end up in helll if i die now.
I need time. Time to make up for all the wrongs. To do more good. To make a lasting (positive) difference.
I want to see the world. I want to do good. I want to regain God's grace and love. I fear i have lost it.
I will remember that im mortal. That my time is ticking. That death is always near. Waste not, want not.
Forgive me if i had forgotten or blantantly ignored the rules.