I listen to miserable stuff because misery is a feeling.

Mystery and magic

I could use a bit more mystery and magic in my (personal) life.

Work life is full of mystery- why is the potassium dropping, how do pneumatic pods work......among other things. Magic abounds- how people get well when we've done absolutely nothing and how some people look so well when their blood tests look so bad.

The day-to-day on goings are far more mundane. There is little sparkle, only cold. Le garçon is nowhere to be seen; i eat lots because R* has to have 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches and tea. God knows what he eats at home. And he's complaining that he's losing weight. I'm barely able to keep the weight off, that's with lots of pills and exposure (to the cold, burns more calories)

I guess you could call it mystery: where has le garçon gone? Did he see me in town? Does he think my bum looks that big in those trousers? There is a little magic as well- my seniors bought me lunch that day and i bumped into my housemate's crush's best mate today- who i cordially invited to our Christmas party. He said he'll bring himself and housemate's crush along. Well done Liez!

After sunday's incident housemate think's i'm a total social retard. Hence the congratulatory note; to myself.

Actually, i'd settle for more magic. Mystery makes things complicated.

* I work with R. We are 2/3 of the surgical house officer team.

Oh, oh.....and music. Listen to this. It's amazing. If you have uber-amazing headphones that pick up on every sound, put them on.  This is a slow build eargasm. The video is pretty too.

When somebody wants something, the whole Universe conspires in their favour. The warrior of light knows this.

- Paulo Coelho, Manual of the Warrior of Light -

I take a deep breath as i ask the Universe: let me have this one.

I will not let this one pass. Because i deserve this, because i want it. I will not say no when the Universe gives me the opportunity- i will embrace the chances im given.

I will be brave, i will be bold.

I will be fearless- there is nothing to lose. 

And she asks, "IS THE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!"

I was wearing my spotty woolly tights, my warm 'burlap sack' multicoloured, striped big jumper, purple wellies and my hobbit cape.

Happy and filled with buying-the-perfect-gift promise i walked along the highstreet.

And there you were, in my peripheral vision. Well i think it was you. Standing alone in the cold, smoking.

I hesitated. It took me half a second to kick the proverbial cute big-eyed gift puppy into the gutter.

I walked away. It took me about 10 seconds to regret it. Too late, I can't walk back.

At least i got gifts for my dad and brother. Shit, i forgot the chocolates. Oh fuck. *Double face palm*
There is something wrong with me.

Love

if you ask me why i do anything.....i tend to say, 'for love'.

Have you read Love in the Time of Cholera? It's a lush book- reading it is like drowing in treacle and honey- slow and sticky sweet.

What i liked was that he loved all of them- not in the same way, but it was love. It's difficult to say what love is- a mixed bag of affection, sexual attraction, adoration, loyalty, trust, camraderie, friendship.....and whatever else.

and when i say i do it for love- it means i do it because i want to make you and yours happy. You being happy give me a sense of joy and purpose in the world.

And this is why i love.

Mushaboom by Feist. When i hear it i think of you Shazzers! It's my sunday morning tune today. It's blanketed white outside, gorgeous snow!

Dharma

I bumped into the concept of dharma recently- having always believed in the laws of karma (my own personal interpretation involving the wisdom of God and 'fairness' in everything that happens). 

What i knew of dharma was nothing except the show Dharma and Greg where Dharma was the hippie blond chick with the straight laced guy.

Apparently the Bhagavadgita has an in-depth explaination of dharma (which i have yet to bring myself to read- thanks for the copy, Wenxian).

Since i take explainations that i like (and somewhat ignore those i dont), im gonna go with this one.

There are 3 paths of salvation- one of them is dharma. It's fulfilling one's role in the universal scheme of things- following a personal path that will lead to personal salvation as well as upholding 'rightousness'; within that maintaining harmony in the world.

There is a deeper explaination of dharma- as meditated on by Buddha; but it is too late and too much to ponder on- now.

I like the idea that each us of has our own 'dharma'- our role to play in the world and in finding it and fulfilling it we are keeping the universe and ourselves in balance.

Ruined reputation

I showed up to work an hour and a half late on sunday. My alarm died and i was out partying till 4 am.

So hungover. I was useless that day.

Im still useless.

The so called 'mission' was an epic fail because the one person that should've been there wasn't. So i got utterly wasted instead. Utterly butterly.

the next 4 months i have to try and redeem myself. And not party when im working weekends.