Things are going downhill again.

I'm struggling at work again. Just when it seems I get a handle on one thing, another thing rears its head.

Nobody died, nobody got hurt, yet.
It seems however I try to do my best, I fail. There is always that one blood result I miss, something I hadn't sorted out, an ECG not done or a blood sugar not checked.

And I am slow, unable to multitask.
Everyone frets and rushes around to get things done while I'm deliberate and slow, my brain 2 steps behind everyone's.
I need time think and ruminate, I need time for the cogs to creak and turn.
Why is my brain is so slow, why don't ideas, issues and facts snap into mind?
I dont understand how my brain thinks, how my neurons make those connections and why some things i recall so well and some things never stick. Why I cannot do mental math.

I keep telling myself I will get better.
It's now 4 years of working. Im still uncertain, I still feel stupid, I still feel uncapable of managing.
Everytime I change jobs I feel lost, uncertain and lacking necessary knowledge.

Some say it's imposter syndrome.  Im starting to doubt it's merely me feeling inadequate.

Then there is the rest of my life that is crumbling around my ears.

I'll be 29 in 3 months.
I've regained the 10 kilos i lost last year.
Im sleeping with (and developing an unhealthy attachment to) a man who cares for me (but not 'like that').
I am not happy and I feel like im running out of time to make something of my life.


Important decisions have to be made and yet, I dont want to make them because it means i will close on door and have to commit to something im not sure is the right path anyway.


Now the most important decision is whether or not to call in sick tomorrow or power through the day with 5 hours sleep.

I've decided that post exam I'll work on audits and get my assessments out of the way. I will work of brain boosting stuff; improving memory and quick thinking.
In the new year I will find a therapist and get help- my friends have stopped wanting to talk to me and I've become boring.