Waiting for results

The exams were HARD.

Having the boy over was bittersweet. He sleeps better when I'm around (considering he has an insomnia problem I shouldnt take it as an insult) and we did our usual eat, screw and sleep.  And sleep he did. I went for a shower and when I came out I was unable to wake him for a night out.We watched a whole movie together.

I was at his again this weekend and we went shopping for his mother's and sister's birthday presents. We also got our eyebrows threaded and we went our bar hopping in the evening. He sat down to roast dinner with more of my friends.

Then I spent Sunday evening sharing my insecurities with him; I held him close and admitted: quitting him is gonna be hard.

And quit him I must.

The reason I spent Sunday evening there: a first date didnt quite pan out.
Midweek he's seeing someone for a second date.
He's going away in October and he has two stops: at the first he is staying with an ex-girlfriend (from what I gathered is 'the one that got away') and there's a girl he's traveling especially to meet; they've been talking online for years.

What am I? The girl who helps him sleep. The one that keeps him from doing stupid things for sex. The one that take him out on adventures and do random things with. The girl who is teaching him how to drink.

What is he to me? I like him, I want him to like me. He's the first guy I slept with and at the moment the only one. He's my place to stay in London, drinking and restaurant buddy. He makes me feel beautiful and when we're together I feel special.

I used to be certain that he's not lying, but now im not so sure. Am I just an easy screw? I wont deny I make it easy- I go there, im always game and i dont cause a fuss when he mentions his other women. I even give him advice.

It thought I could get through this without caring, but Im getting attached. I buy him shoelaces for God's sake. 
And when he lent me his jumper, all I did on the train home was sniff it till I felt like I was drowning in the smell of his detergent.

Oh where the devil makes us spin

I heard this ages ago on a TV show- cannot remember what it was and why but the song stuck. It was on loop on my phone.

It popped up again and I dont think it's made an appearance on here.

Funny how some some songs burrow deep and elicit visceral reactions- a tingle goes up my spine, spread across my shoulders and I get goosebumps down my arms. If I close my eyes I start feeling heady and heavy.

It's not an entirely unwelcomed feeling.

But not now. Plenty time for that later.
Revision first.




Embarrassingly: I think I first heard thing song on Sucker-punch (my little secret pleasure, dont tell).

The original video to this song is very provocative, it's retired porn actress going through one of her old films. Thoughtful...and smutty.

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

Get drunk

4 days to exam.

So many things to worry about.
My head space is becoming muddy again. My self esteem is sliding.
Have not been doing those online CBT exercises.

Im too excited about seeing him. He's coming over for the weekend after the exam. 

Im starting to miss cigarettes and alcohol.
Cannot remember the last time I got drunk.

Did I mention this nasty cough lingering for 3 weeks? I think I have good old pertussis.
Need antibiotics but not taking them as Im concerned they'll mess up my revision time.
I'll get it sorted after the exam. Life is on hold for this exam.

Cigarettes and robitussin, will i ever get to heaven?
It's not looking good now
It's not looking good now

This time next week

The Exam will be done.
I hope to have passed, it'll be a month before I know.

I have 6 days.

I can make it.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

True dat.

Cannot seem to find a consistent source for this quote. I like it and it imparts an important lesson. Thus it is here.