Christmas 2013

It was about small miracles, all types of love and patience.
Above all it's about blessings and good food.

Meet the Cthul-duck pheas-ridge.
Explanations will follow.

Thank you Matt for making this Christmas special. I think I might just love you a little bit.

No context

The exam is in 3 days.

Last night I went to London to accompany him to a gig- Dave Dobbin and Don McGlashan (2 famous New Zealand singer songwriters) at the Union Chapel. It's actually a functioning church with beautiful wooden ceilings- I've never been to a pop/rock gig in a church before. The music was catchy and enjoyable, music I'd drive to and buy for my dad.

He had forgotten he invited me but the person he invited forgot about the gig, so i was the last minute fill in. The back-up plan.

In the last half hour I have wanted to text or call. Just to say, "Hello. Please dont think of me as desperate. Please dont think I'm easy and crazy. I like you and im not sure if you like me, hence the level of insecurity. And I'm sorry I kept quiet when you told me those things; Im not sure if you noticed but I was a little aback and didnt know what to say. 'Thanks' would be too hollow, 'I know' would be overconfident. We play at being couple-y, but we're not. You kiss me in public, you hold my hand. We plan holidays. You've told me, more than once, I can leave when I want and you won't come after me. And I've told you, weeks ago, that quitting you is going to be hard. I think that every time I catch your scent. That mix of perfume, Ariel and you.


Dave Dobbin- Slice of Heaven



Don McGlashan- Queen of the Night

Things are going downhill again.

I'm struggling at work again. Just when it seems I get a handle on one thing, another thing rears its head.

Nobody died, nobody got hurt, yet.
It seems however I try to do my best, I fail. There is always that one blood result I miss, something I hadn't sorted out, an ECG not done or a blood sugar not checked.

And I am slow, unable to multitask.
Everyone frets and rushes around to get things done while I'm deliberate and slow, my brain 2 steps behind everyone's.
I need time think and ruminate, I need time for the cogs to creak and turn.
Why is my brain is so slow, why don't ideas, issues and facts snap into mind?
I dont understand how my brain thinks, how my neurons make those connections and why some things i recall so well and some things never stick. Why I cannot do mental math.

I keep telling myself I will get better.
It's now 4 years of working. Im still uncertain, I still feel stupid, I still feel uncapable of managing.
Everytime I change jobs I feel lost, uncertain and lacking necessary knowledge.

Some say it's imposter syndrome.  Im starting to doubt it's merely me feeling inadequate.

Then there is the rest of my life that is crumbling around my ears.

I'll be 29 in 3 months.
I've regained the 10 kilos i lost last year.
Im sleeping with (and developing an unhealthy attachment to) a man who cares for me (but not 'like that').
I am not happy and I feel like im running out of time to make something of my life.


Important decisions have to be made and yet, I dont want to make them because it means i will close on door and have to commit to something im not sure is the right path anyway.


Now the most important decision is whether or not to call in sick tomorrow or power through the day with 5 hours sleep.

I've decided that post exam I'll work on audits and get my assessments out of the way. I will work of brain boosting stuff; improving memory and quick thinking.
In the new year I will find a therapist and get help- my friends have stopped wanting to talk to me and I've become boring.