Desire

Last night I was a dinner party hosted by one of the consultants at his lovely home.  Most of my colleagues at the same level were there; I felt awful the whole time.

Stories were shared by the others, people laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. I felt awkward and out-of-place. I didn’t have anything interesting to say, and even if I did I couldn’t get it in sideways because someone has a cooler story to tell.

I sat pretty much silent through dinner. Wine helped with me feeling less awful about the way the evening panning out, but it didn’t change the situation at all.

In the car on the way back they were talking about how the girls in the department were being hit on my some of the bosses. I have not had any experience of this. Either I’m oblivious to innuendo or more likely, im too unattractive and boring to be hit on.

The one advice Matt had for me was: Act confident. Don’t talk like he has other options and don’t fish for compliments.

I don’t like me.

I wouldn’t respect me.

So I have to change.

Change is painful and difficult and relentless.

Change is beautiful, it is progress.

It begins in the mind- as for execution, the devil is in the details.

It is the small changes that dictate the bigger picture. It’s the decision to get out of bed earlier, to hold up my head, speak louder, to take the time to think before I speak.

It’s not eating that chocolate, going for that run.

It’s holding myself to a better standard. To stop procrastinating.

To love myself enough to sacrifice small pleasures for lasting improvements.

It’s all in the mind.

I’ve been watching motivational videos and all of them advise that there is no break, it is continuous work and effort. What fuels it is the desire.

What I want is simple, to be:

-       Thin

-       Smart

-       Beautiful

-       Confident