I shazam music in Starbucks.

So I managed to hitch a ride to london with all my Kendo kit (all 10 kgs of it) and my shinai only to be wandering london waiting for 3 o'clock to happen. 

I had breakfast in a cafe in Islington because I was lost and hungry. 

I've been hit badly this time with the fat and uglies. In spite of my best efforts to cheer the fuck up, gym and cut my hair the feeling remains. 

I feel ugly, incompetent and unworthy of life. It's probably a depressed cycle; the thoughts are persistent and obsessional. I try and try to work through it: logical thinking, drowning myself in work and alcohol. Even a little comfort eating. Nothing is working. 

Saying I'm a little depressed is like saying climbing Kilimanjaro is a little hike. I struggle to sleep, mentally slow and urge to hurt myself is all there. I'm trying to channel it the right way- I exercise to hurt myself and I clean/bake when I can't sleep. 

So I'm here in a central London Starbucks feeling like shit's more useless cousin. I can't read because all that echoes in my head is that "you're useless, no one will write books about you, you stupid ugly person" etc etc. such noisy, painfully self depreciating mental mutilation. It's like cutting but in my head. 

I'll sit and try and read some more.... Maybe a bus will do me a favour and take me out of my misery in a bit.