Feeling out of sorts about the whole thing.
I havent voiced it to him, although I think he can sense this. The more time I spend away from him, the more I realise this feeling that something is not right; not with him, not the relationship, but me.
The fact that on a 'wobble' day such as this I will stalk his facebook to be faced by images of his impossibly good looking ex-fiance. If you know me personally feel free to trawl Facebook as well- you don't have to scroll very far to see the announcement of their engagement, the happy congratulations and the picture of her and her engagement ring (that haunts me in a weakest, most self pitying moments). The fact that he still appeared very much in love with her in June (we met in December). Surely 5 months is not enough to get over a girl you nearly married? He said he broke it off, but I only have his word to go on. Is it enough to trust and believe him?
There is another photo of them, where they look so in love. They're dancing I think; she's in a pretty dress and he's in a smart shirt. Their foreheads touching, both of them smiling and holding each other close. It's kills me. It was his profile photo.
The only photographs of me on his profile are those I put up.
I want to take it all back.
Take it all back. If I could rewind it I would take it all back.
I can't take back "i love you". I cannot take back moving across the country, I can't take back moving my stuff into his house. I can't take back meeting his parents and his friends.
How will I ever get my bicycle from his mother's garage?
He says it; He says 'i love you' a lot and a part of it wants to believe it and parts of me knows he's just saying it because he know it will generate a response he wants from me. The response can range from getting me into bed to getting me to shut up about a rant I'm having.
Do I believe it when he says it?
Yes, I do, but I also think he is a man who falls in and out of love easily. Maybe love is just that warm fuzzy feeling he has for nice things, like pasta, cooking shows and blankets.
The worst was recently when he asked me, "Who loves you, huh?"
I freaked out at that question. It's the same one my father asks me when I was little.
Yours is not an unconditional love- do not ask me that!! What is this love you speak of? Would you love this ugly, broken, jealous hateful woman in front of you when I leave because I don't know what I want? Will you love me still when I tell you that Im not sure what I meant when I said I love you?
Will you run after me?
Part of me wants you to; part of me doesn't. I miss my freedom, I miss flirting, I miss the potential for misbehaviour. I stare at men at the gym and I think; no I can't. And then there's that horrible thought of, "why can't my boyfriend look like that?".
It's me. Im dissatisfied with a perfectly good, lovely man who has baggage. Who hasn't though when they're 32?
Im resentful that I'm not as beautiful as his ex (nothing he can say or do will make this one any better. Even if she had an IQ of 60 and the worse sob story in the world (which she has actually)- I still hate her for good looks and wish her a little bit of bad karma). Truth be told Im resentful and jealous of most people because I'm pathetic. Oh I am an evil woman.
I resent the feeling I have that he's not enough; my objective brain knows he is, he is a lovely man who is a catch- but my evil side nags, "surely you can do better?" Evil, evil thoughts, impure thoughts. I cannot believe it's crossed my mind, but it has.
Why the hell am I still here then?
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