Friendless and angry

I do realize that im a social retard with no friends, what i didnt realize is the extent of my anger. I have made enemies. I thought they were friends- i hoped that we were.But now that i've let the evilness out, i've made proper enemies, the kind i havent made in a while. I try not to pick fights- when you're a social retard you wanna keep what few friends you already have.

Like all major fights, this was a bad case of miscommunication and stubborness. Everything else i was willing to forgive. Not telling me anything, when you knew i had vested interest, is upsetting. What is infuriating is that you spent the whole evening with me. You talked to me. You knew it mattered a lot to me and i was losing sleep over it.
And they couldnt have the courtesy to wait, to ask, make a short phone call.

I think i kind of screamed at them on the phone. And hung up on someone. And argued face to face.

I hate it when people hate me. But i lost self control this time. Good thing i didnt spontaneously combust.

Sorry Big Guy Upstairs. I hope you'll give me strength and temperance.

Sing it like it is

Thank Buzz- i wouldnt know of this song if it werent for you. This is one of songs where the words could have been taken straight out of my mouth.
Im not particularly wednesday-sy at the moment, but this song captures the slight desperation and hopeless questioning i feel every time a wave of the 'wednesdays' hits.

He's arrived!!

He got here today! I wasn't expecting him to arrive so soon, but he did. He's a little smaller than i expected, but he feels just right in my arms. I love him already!

i love talking and i hate sneaky bastards

Those who know me will realize that i love talking. Im not a wonderful conversationalist, sadly, because of of my social retardity and lack of wit. But given a person strapped in a chair with eyes taped open - i could probably talk to them to death. They'd die of bad conversation or boredom or both.

Talking rarely gets me anywhere. Not to bright, i'm limited talking of happy, simple everyday things. Simply said i talk more than i do.

My procrastination is killing me; this usually because of the 'talk more than do'. I say things and hell, i never get them done. It will kill me one day and more painfully than rusty poles stuck into my abdomen. I'm try my best to work around it, but somehow, i fall into the trap time and time again.

So far im lucky that there are always people to catch me, kick my ass and get me going. It's not gonna last and they're not gonna be there forever. One day i'll fall, hit my head real hard on the landing and die of a subarachnoid haemmorrhage.

Im sneaky bastard; and i hate myself, so saying that i hate sneaky bastards is not a contradiction. Its worst when they're sneaky bastards i think i can trust, people i spend time with and talk to. I trust these people, i have long, albeit boring conversations and i was just beginning think that they'll bother to talk to me about something that may affect me (a lot).

Then they do something, quickly, quietly, and serve me up with an ultimatum. What's even better was that i was made to look like the idiot because of my fucking procrastination. What's brilliant (i can appreciate a good sneak, even if im the victim) is that they know they have the upper hand. The ploy perfect. Sneaky bastards. Damn it.

Im not a very good victim- Lets use a Jaws analogy (not that im a vicious sea creature on the top of the food chain). As the shark, i see a shadow on the surface and take a nibble, and realize that this is not the yummy seal i thought it was, its a chubby human thigh. Humans taste vile to sharks and so they usually let go, and the shark attack victims dont usually get eaten, they die of blood loss (clinical shock). Fooled by the sneaky fat human thigh, the shark will trash, make waters murky and generally make a mess. I do that when i get duped- not make people bleed, but bitch and whine liberally to anyone who stand within hearing distance for longer than 3 seconds. Im not very good at getting back at people- my memory's too short for revenge. So i murk out waters as much as can while i remember and let people manage through the mess. In most cases people dont care and dont realize that ive been bitching about them for hours.

The shark analogy is rubbish.

But my memory is not as bad as i think it is. I do remember the grievances, its just that i carry them inside. My core's all rotten with bad thoughts that have festered too long. In a year or two i'll get paranoid, think that the world is plotting against me and never leave my room.

over and out

lovies

huggies,

kissies and

a pout

Feedback

I had volunteered to interview a 'patient' (an actor) in our communication skills class today. It was nerve-wrecking. It started with me waiting for the patient, and when she came in, i stood up, asked her name and mumbled something about taking a seat.

The introduction was standard, and i began with the prerequisite open question. Got a bit of the history from the open question but 2 minutes in my ears were turning hot and i had run out of things to ask. What to do you ask a patient with a history of non specific epigastric pain brought on by stress and large meals? I couldnt even phrase the questions about bowel movement questions right.

And the whole empathy thing makes me feel like such a hypocrite- as part of 'good communication skills' we have to say things like 'i understand how you feel' and 'im sorry to hear that'. There should be a glimmer of genuine empathy when saying it, but really, i feel like a faker. Im just saying these things because i know i have to show the patient im listening and i care. Its not that i dont care about the patient, i just think saying a phrase doesnt necessarily mean you care. It just appears as if you do. I felt so fake- during the interview i was thinking, "oh yeah, say that, sound empathic..."

My ears were burning and i was running out of questions fast. I was going through my mental list of questions and trying to tick then off, which by the way, is not the way to do a consultation. I did the classic stalling technique- quick recap of information gleaned from the patient, hopefully it'll trigger either fresh questions from my point of view or a comment from the patient. Didnt work for me though. I was stuck, and stuck good.

I did get the patient to open up a bit more, but i had totally missed a clear clue/flag in what the patient was saying. I was so harried, i didnt really listen and picked up that her symptoms were brought on by stress. It was my cue was to ask her to elaborate about the stress- i missed it instead and so didnt get a whole chunk of information.

By this point i was looking at my tutor (the very fit, yummy and slighty quirky young lecturer) with a desperate 'come and save me' look. He ignored me the first time, but the second time he got a hint and ended the session. Relief.

What was really surprising was i didnt get shot down, criticised or screamed at for being such a twat. The feedback was mixed. It was like criticism wrapped up in lots of candy floss and fluffy cushions so i wouldnt feel the slight slap on my wrist or terrible the burn of embarrasment (there were 7 other people, my classmates, watching me do this).

It bothered me, because i work better when i know exactly what how i've screwed up, where and when. I can fix something when i know what, where and how badly its broken. I dont really like 'lets look at what was good' approach to feedback- hell, if im doing that ok i dont have to know about it. I wanna know where i suck. And how to fix it.

What ive learned is that i gotta 'signpost'- a fancy way of warning people subtly that a sensitive question is coming up. Just so that the patient knows its coming and is not surprised by the bluntness of these personal questions. Also, signposting can also be a show (read:show) of empathy.

i also have to learn to be comfortable with silence. Ask a question and let the patient think. Not to be so quick to lead the patient, offer ideas or alternatives. Instead, allow the patient a good 30 seconds to mull the questions and formulate their answers- if they're still stuck, then yeah, either clarify the question, rephrase it, or offer up some vocabulary to kick start the patient's brains.

And most important is to not get so hung up on the symptoms. Most of the time i find im asking questions to confirm my diagnosis. In a sense im being biased because im looking for the 'right' answer from the patient. I ignore or pay less attention to other things the patient is saying that doesn't support my diagnosis. I close my mind to other options or alternatives explanations and in this lies the danger. I might miss something important because it didnt fit in what was the diagnosis in my mind. Worse, if i do that im caring more for the disease than the patient.

There's a lot more things, but these to me are probably key issues i gotta address. Sigh, the suffering of a witless social retard.

Onde-onde

Disclaimer: nicked this pic off someone's blog. I wish my onde-onde looked this good. Let's start with something sweet before we get on with the bitter and ugly.

It been a trying week. The first few days of ramadhan- the fasting month- have not been kind. My stomach rumbles and roars. I get exhausted and light headed from the lack of food and water. Just when i think im getting the hang of it, i get my period, so i get a break from fasting. So im happily eating during the day, enjoying a full blown lunch and many cookie and coffee breaks. I seem to be lacking my usual ramadhan resolve. The holy month is a time to reflect and repent- for a month we are free of satan's presence. But satan's influence lingers. And im fighting a failing battle against temptation. I find it difficult to fast, what more everything else?

It's difficult to explain. Im still trying to figure it out. Im a hypocritical, undecisive, flaky person. Im keeping the faith, just flaunting the rules.

I've got conjuctivitis of my right eye- it's clearing up but im still feeling a bit crummy. Add a good measure of PMS and cramps from hell- i feel absolutely shit.

I accidentally swallowed my clear labret retainer. That's the plasticky thing i use to keep my piercing open but invisible- i had to go to the wards this week. I didnt cap the end because it was a bit too short, and during dinner that day i acccidentally swallowed it. I didnt realize till i looked in the mirror and realized it was gone! My piercing is ok though- got my usually metal thingie back in.

I made onde-onde for the malaysian society fresher's fair- it turned out pretty well. I got the balance between sweet potatoes and pulut flour just right. So even when the onde-onde is cold the texture was still soft, not at all chewy. A good bite will release the dark, smoky sweetness of gula melaka that contrasts so well with the lightly salted coconut in the outside.

I gave myself a cramp kneading the dough and all the way i was bitching about Z. There's a long story there apart from the fact he asked me to make the onde-onde (there was no one else to bully). Still, I think he got unfairly bad-mouthed (slightly more that he deserved) because i was manifesting all my 'men' angst on him.

Thanks to S for making me realize that "sitting, waiting, wishing" is not a happy song.

Thanks to another S for getting the Escape (pina colada) song stuck in my head.

Thanks to all the drivers in London for not running over the fat girl on the black and orange bike.

Thanks God, for everything.

Yours

Chubbette xx

I miss you

Basikal saya!

Basikal saya berwarna hitam dan penuh dengan pelekat promosi syarikat telecommunikasi Orange. Topi keledar saya tergantung di 'handle' basikal saya. Saya amat menyayangi basikal saya, walaupun tempat duduk basikal saya terlalu tinggi. Akan tetapi, itu masalah remeh temeh yang senang untuk diselesaikan jika saya dapat mencari sebuah 'spanner'.

Hello, im a third year medical student

I've started class- and i've hit the ground running. Most days we've got 9 oclock starts and classes that drag till late afternoon. Ramadan has started and that's a bit of a strain, especially when im biking up and down to classes. It takes 15 minutes, but i feel the strain on my poor chubby thighs.

I'm acquiring patient phobia and selective amnesia. Im AFRAID of going to hospital. I cant even take a decent blood pressure. Im going to be so FUCKED. I dont want to kill anyone. I dont remember even basic shit ive learnt. Its TERRIBLE.

And so, i have 3 and a half weeks to reacquaint myself with all the stuff i learnt before. I HATE my damn selective amnesia. I dont remember anything! And in the same period of time be decent enough at doing all the 'doctor' stuff- do blood pressures, take bloods, do examinations....decent enough to do them on real sick people. I REALLy hope i dont KILL anyone.

Random thoughts for today

The ball end of a labret stud is really hard to put on. I've spent so much on the piercing, and half the jewellery is too short by 4 mm. I had to have a really fat lip.

Im forgiving the super-bass-voiced lead singer of interpol. The music is too good to be ignored anymore. Even if i cant stand his voice.

Beirut......beirut is good. The Gulag Orkestar album was bought last weekend, and now cherished. Im a full-fledged folk fan (forever?).

I didnt think i'd look good in apple green and white lace, but actually, i look pretty snazzy.

I spent my saturday rolling roti jala and selling it. At my friend's parent's stall. By the end of the day i smelt of ghee and batter.

I have read the last harry potter book.

I leave for norway in less than 7 hours. I dont have clean jeans to wear. All that i have packed are my toiletries and my bikini (skewed priorities, i know..........)

I am the proud owner of a television ( its been passed down for generations- my name is being added to the long list of owners). It's occupying the space i had for my printer. I have so much crap.