It's back

All the fear, inadequacies, worry.


I know I am blessed, loved and lucky- yet still feel so incomplete, empty and hollow. It's a gnawing in my gut.

There's this phrase; punching above one's weight. I feel like I'm punching above my weight everyday these last 2 years. Im nearly a registrar; but dont feel it. I feel like a fraud everyday, scooting by on little knowledge and lots of nice.

Im still waiting for the results of the exam in early september, but need to start studying tonight for the next one. My heart sinks. Why cant I recall facts the way I did as a kid?! Retain information I read only once? My photographic memory and ability to understand things in a flash is not as it used to be.

And regarding the man- my feelings and my head have reached an impasse. So I will continue as I am- making this up as I go along.  It's comfortable and cozy and we're having fun so im not going to spoil a good thing. He's so laidback he's letting me do what I like.

And my avoidance and procrastinating behavior is back. I fall in a lull and then I've wasted a couple of hours on movies and phone calls.