'Why is he (Capt Kirk) climbing the mountain?- Because he's in love'
I asked you why kissing you feels so good- you tell me it's because we
love each other. You tell me you knew I loved you well before I'd admit
it to myself. And I came out and 'fessed up- yes, i love you, just a
little bit. You said you love me too. You'd go on to say it more than
once. Not just post-coital blissed out I love yous, but while we're
walking hand in hand, riding on the back of a pick-up and when you've
just woken up.
I apologised for falling in love. You tell me it's ok, it makes you feel
less guilty about falling in love with me; because its not part of the
plan.
In love or not, truth or not, you still rend my ventricles apart.
Leaving you tonight was the hardest thing. It hurt so much when you told
me you'll only meet me for coffee next week, when I offered to stay.
You are being strong and principled while I would rather avoid the pain
and plod along the way we were. You want to be my friend, but I want all
of you; selfishly.
I say selfish because I cannot marry you- I can't be your missus and
raise children with you. I don't know if I could live in a quiet country
town. I don't know if I could deal with the associated religious guilt
if I married you.
You know this and you are letting me go gently. Agreeing to be my friend
and supporting me. Oh how it hurts, as you hold me and I realise that
there is no way for this to work. No real way our little love could be
more than this.
When I asked if you wanted me to stay next week and you said no; my
heart swelled and my throat expanded, the was an ache in my chest and
tears. I stared at you looking for an answer. There was none so I kissed
you. Again and again.
I was holding back tears on the way to the station. I didn't want to
think this was the last time I'll walk holding your hand. My heart
twisted in my chest, I kissed you as I leave. I forgot to put all my
love in it because I was sad.
I'd love to kiss you again, just so I can put all my love in it.
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