Today I spent the day missing you.
I missed the warmth of you in bed, lying next to you. The scent, the taste of your kisses. That simple joy of snuggling up to your body and putting my head against your shoulder.
I even miss you telling me off for lounging too long in bed and glaring at me as I fuss with my hair. I want to run potion 9 through your hair and mine- for your sake I hope you don't use gel in your hair again, that's why I left my little tube of potion 9 there.
I find myself looking at our photos- I couldn't bring myself to hate you, even when you find it so easy to dismiss me to the ranks of women you've let go. Granted, I gave you fodder for that; but that's who I am and I was tired of sparing you the worse of me. I gave you a glimpse of my demons and a lot of my love- and yet it feels all wasted.
You had slept with her in January.
You said because the both of you were drunk and horny.
Well at least you were honest.
(on a side note GU ramekins make for fine ashtrays- desperate times, eh?)
It breaks my bloody heart that you didn't spare a thought for me.
I want to ask you if I ever crossed your mind as you were kissing her, fucking her.
In my anger I want to curse you, hit you and hurt you in some way. I want you to feel some of this.
No, I want you to feel all of this.
Feel inadequate, weak and shamed.
Please don't spare me. When I ask you about her it's so I can learn to hate you. So I can forget the sad simpering woman I became when I thought you could love me.
I cannot believe that I had even hoped we could have a life together- a home filled with books, films and my dodgy taste in art. I occasionally wondered what our kids would look like- my smile and your eyes; little halfies who would be confused because their mother believed in God and Heaven while their father did not.
I feel like such an idiot- trying to give you a wonderful Christmas, sacrificing sleep and pissing off well meaning friends to make you happy. Just because making you happy gave me such joy.
That's what love means to me; that feeling of joy and bliss when you were with me, when you were happy.
Love is sacrifice and compromise- you weren't willing to do that for me.
I wished I had the strength to not believe you when you said you loved me.
You weren't lying, you just don't understand what it meant to love someone.
You must've slept with her while I was busy at work, thinking of you, planning our holiday. While I fought the urge to text you and tell you how much I missed you; you would've been texting, calling her.
Why, why, why?
Just tell me she's beautiful, well-read and perfect.
Let me think I've lost to a better woman.
Because now I'm wondering what I've done wrong, where have I slipped up?
Is it because I believe in God, my culturally diverse background and that I occasional mis-pronounce things?
Does it scare you my mother wears the hijab, I feel alienated from my father and my brother will break the fingers of any man who hurts me?
Or is it because I wear too much make-up, eat too much and get excited about everything?
Do you fear my emotions; my giddy highs and my dark depression?
I notice your unease when I jokingly say I'm jealous; but you know I'm not joking and that I have good reason to be- I knew you were going to fuck her even before you did. Maybe I drove you to do it.
And yet I tried. I kept loving and hoping because that's the only thing I know how to do.
Now I have to learn to hate.
Hate must be my wall, my reminder that you do not love me, you do not know how.
You cannot love me not through any inadequacy of mine, but because you do not want to suffer for my sake.
You said it yourself, I cannot be the judge of your tendency for dramatic gestures for you are capable of them at work and in long term relationships. You've told me how Emma pushed you into months of insomnia and anxiety and how you were anxiously waiting for Holly to start dating again.
These women have done nothing for you and yet, I stir no feelings except for camaraderie?
Fuck that.
So hate I must.
Will you stay with me my love?
For another day...
Cause I don't want to be alone,
When I'm in this state.
Will you stay with me my love?
Till we're old and grey.
I don't wanna be alone.
When these bones decay...
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