I will embrace happiness.

Tomorrow.

Now i'll go jog.

"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

Human, All Too Human;  Friedrich Nietzsche

This is my escapism

My love for Interpol has grown slowly- an initial curiousity pushed by friends, a missed concert and lots of listens later i can say im a bit if a fan.

I listen to Interpol to cheer up- a friend said this is ironic seeing the content/lyrics of their songs. I've now got Narc on loop. I loved the sound of it, didn't realize it was about sex. Im not sure exactly what the story is; but the opening chords are magic. The ending lines- 'You should be in my space, you should be in my life, you could be in my space' sung in Paul Bank's perfect hopeful/desperate/pleading manner is just what i want say (but will never be able to. Im giving up on hoping)

But this post is about sharing. And how i dont care for it when it comes to the people i love. I use love loosely here- as clearly Romance has left me out of her list for another quater.

Im possesive, slightly obsessive and prone to crazy jealousy (i might not make it apparent, but i am). Im better now, but maybe it's because no one has been mine in a long-long time. I've taken to being a bleeding heart, thinking if i just keep loving, giving they'll love me back just as much, or more. It doesn't work and i just keep going because i want to be a matyr. And this is why i self-destruct and rebuild everytime just to start all over again.

It was nice; sitting in your car parked outside my house, listening to songs i knew but couldn't remember.

This is from postsecret this week. It reminded me about what your friend said.

For she was not as ordered as people thought, but she did have her own desperate method for appearing to do so; she hid the disorder.

-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez-

Because if i dont laugh, i'll just cry.

This is for my medics.

I have a presentation to the consultants in hours and i am looking forward to a sleepless night of bronchiectasis.
The Decemberist's Sleepless plays on the computer:

Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
You're weary, lay him down
You did your time so thank you very much
Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
So now your hopes are all laid
But you hand it all away

It's funny cos that's what they tell me to do all the time at work- hand patients over and go home. I still only go home at 7. Im slow, that's why. The others complain cos they don't have work. 

I want my flirt buddy back. Work's no fun with no flirt.


Oh and did i tell you my keys fell into the gutter during my run today? Of all the places my keys had to jump out of my pocket, at just that spot on the road and had to fall between the bars.....

Im still shit scared of living. I jumped at my own shadow today. 

Here’s the truth

I have no clue what I’m doing in my life.
Im so scared of tomorrow, of deadlines, of bosses, of angry patients, of everyone I’ve failed.

I don’t want to face my failures.

Im don’t know how to deal with loss. I just block it off into a part of me I don’t look into often. I’m a robot- I don’t feel, I don’t think- I just do. My uncle just passed away Monday- I went out shopping. I should’ve sat and prayed. I haven’t prayed properly in awhile. I haven’t even truly accepted that Dadi is gone.

Im still expecting to see her when I go home next week. I want her to tell me again to always pray, give money to charity and comb my hair. It struck me today that there are only 2 people left in the world who still call me “Gebot”.

I still hurts that I am no use to my family. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to make things better if I was there, but I assume there is some merit in being physically there- even if it is just to get in the way.

Im continually sad, ever-angry at myself for failing to be good enough.

I’m losing my friends, im losing my intelligence, any ability for coherent thought.

There’s this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I try, and try, and fail. I’m so scared to try. Im so scared to disappoint more people, to make trouble for others. I feel my existence is an imposition to the happiness/functioning of those around me.

I want to be good, I wanna be great. I want so much. But I know I cannot have it. So why even try?

I hate that I continually whinge about my own misery- Im so self-absorbed it’s boring.

I continually apologize for everything: for being boring, for being whiny, for being alive. I even apologize for wanting to be great- who am i to even dream of greatness?

BD runs

I am gonna try fitting in runs/jogs/exercise twice a day now.

It's cos in the pass few weeks the topic of the size of my thighs and the shortness of my skirts have been cropping up.

I like my short skirts. I dont like my thighs. We know which one needs to go.

The christmas party is coming. One month, 10 kgs, little dress.

The days are long and my faith is running short

Im feeling some classic Placebo tunes today. I relate, feel that my the words resonate with my life.  Just without the drugs, drama, violence, love and sex.

Life is dull, so dull it hurts.

You are one of god's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches.
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space. 

Fall into you
Is all I seem to do
When I hit the bottle
Cuz I'm afraid to be alone

As the anger fades
This house is no longer a home

Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting
And everything that's true
Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting

Because I want you to

My memory's hazy
And I'm afraid to be alone
 

As the headache fades
This house is no longer a home

You're always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posess every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You're the monkey i've got on my back
That tells me to shine
You're always ahead of the pack
While i drag behind.

There's this odd need to feel pain today. My run failed so i didn't get my serotonin boost. I was whingy and mopey last week and my housemate threatened to 'slap me till i forget my name' which actually is an intriguing idea......

But hey, let's Rob Thomas sing exactly how i feel:

Strong enough

I found Sheryl Crow's CD Tuesday Night Music Club when i was about 11 or 12. It's my daddy's. He doesn't love it as much as i do.

I still love most of the songs in it. When i was younger i dreamed i'd be cool enough to be down and out and drinking beer in a bar with a man named William. 

That i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

Here i am at 25 still thinking the same thing. That one day i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

I've been going back to the good old nineties because i had such hope then. I think, I dont know anymore nowadays.

Im losing it. I've always been losing it. But just a little bit more today.

So run baby run.

Jai Guru Deva Om

I didnt't realize that 'across the universe' had a sanskrit phrase in it.

Victor/Praise to the God (Teacher) Divine.

I have learnt a painful lesson today. I think i may have caused someone's death.

I feel terrible. 

There's little i can say here but that im sorry (they tell us we should never apologize because then we get sued because we've accepted blame).

Im so sorry. This is my lesson, with a terrible price to pay. Rich of me to be whinging about how terrible i feel because when someone's loved one is dead.

Im sorry. I didn't mean it. I was an oversight. Im sorry.

You know, the opening lines to Interpol's C'mere?

Say it with me now:
"It should be me,
 Oh, it should be me"
 
I'm all warm/ fuzzy, confused/comfounded.
Discombobulated.
Out of sorts. 
Kejam sial. Especially when im such an amateur. I have no idea what im doing right/ wrong.

And im sure you know what you're doing, cos if i glow anymore i'd be radioactive.

I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do.

Why we do what we do

He noticed!

He's so gay! Straight boys never notice!!

(it doesn't matter, i still feel that all the effort with the slap and the clothes is worth it!)

*i had a silly smirk on my face all day- people noticed :D*

Later......

in spite of everything, i still have insight into my mania. I love being manic, but it doesn't love me.

Hooking up

My housemates are adamant in trying to find me a man.

This all came about after i decided to cook for one of them since she's on call. Well, she had the day off today and i still made dinner for the both of us- like a good wifey should.
I imagine starting a new knitting project probably sealed the deal.

I had this thought last week and it really scared me: i could be satisfied in being a housewife and raising kids.

Since i've scaled down my expectations for life, being not-unhappy would be enough. Satisfaction is a plus and happiness is something thought and whispered about but never said out loud. Happines would be asking for too much. 

The housemates (and all the people i work with) think i need a good man to go home too. I come in early and stay late at work. I drink too many coffees (our cafe makes a divine americano-extra strong for me, the lady at the cafe knows). I forget lunch and usually try to go running in the evening and sleep before i can have dinner. 

I don't have space for a man now. What i need is someone handy for a booty call at 3 am. I dont think you meet guys like that speed dating (that's what the homeys want me to go for). Out local town has a speed dating group, but it would be so awkward cos i swear someone from the hospital will be there. Eeek! Though there is a yummy one lurking about the hospital who always makes me smile (my gaydar goes bleep though- im not at all certain actually, how dare i call myself a fag hag).

Anyway, i gotta go get pretty for the above mentioned kinda-yummmy-possibly-gay garcon at work.

Wish me luck and weight loss!

If they ask when did it all start

it was this week.

There is no point. No point.

OH MY GOD!

A box of cranberry juice has 490 calories. I just finished a box. And had marsala chicken and pecan pie (plus risotto) for dinner.

Im sliding into a depressive state. Hand over the prozac.

Ah, has only 5 hours of sleep to look forward too.

No wonder im breaking out. Booking a facial for this weekend. My bank balance groans.

And i need a big, shiny TV and a iphone. ''bank balance explodes in a flurry of red statements''

I need a massage.

I was feeling shit at the end of the day. So what does a girl do?
Go jogging with noise-cancelling headphone.
Cook enough curry to feed an army (of anorexic girls) or an average family of 5 (for 2 days).
Wash my hair.

Now i hurt, im cold and i feel really fat.

Much good that did me.

It's 3 oclock in the morning

and i've been struggling to do some work. I've been distracted all day.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i can't focus on anything. My mind wanders- one minute im hungry, the next im thirsty, i need to move, i walk to the kitchen every five minutes just to get there and forget what i was supposed to do. I cannot study/read, i flit from webpage to webpage not really sure what im looking at. I don't even know what music to play.

I need to sort my life out.

spent all day in bed. Go and do something useful

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”






i will bathe and go shopping. Then try to do some teaching prep.

Emergency: It's a Kill Bill moment plus a white t-shirt.

I wore a nice, respectable white t-shirt and blue skirt to work today.

I came home in theatre blues and without my white top and my tights.

i had a kill bill moment- the top of the bottle i was taking blood in popped open as i was trying to readjust the sticky label. I had flung blood all over myself- my hands, chest and neck. All over my white top.

My patient was blessedly asleep.

I caught a nurse told her to 'please, please clean up the mess' as I run off to wash the blood of me.

I scrub myself raw and in a moment of logic-lapse tried to wash the blood off my white t-shirt top. It automatically went transparent. I only had a side done and then i realised that i had to no jumper, no cardigan and no coat. I had to put my blood splattered, wet and partially see through top on and make an emergency call.

KILL BILL MOMENT AND A WHITE T-SHIRT- but no one had a jumper/sweater/hoodie to spare.

I was sat in the office looking dismayed when one of the nurses offered to run to the other side of the hospital and get me some theater blues. So i had to sit in the office and wait. Still in my blood splattered, wet t-shirt. Everyone came into the office and made jokes (at my expense of course). I die of the shame.

I get my blues and wore them for the rest of the day. I feel right in blues.....I don't think i should make career choices based on what i like to wear, but hey, it can't be the worst deciding factor ever.