I came back from france yesterday.
I fell of a boat, a bicycle and into abject loneliness.
Was saved in paris by a friend. Who, in spite of everything, is still a friend.
I have the oddest tan lines, there is a leaf shaped light area on my chest where my pendant sits.
I start 5th year tomorrow, so help me god.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Notes on life
1. i passed exams. Thank you God and all those who prayed for me.
2. Mother thinks im fat. Need to get back on the crazy exercise and restraining. Thinspo: on!
3. All my summer work plans are going down the toilet.
2. Mother thinks im fat. Need to get back on the crazy exercise and restraining. Thinspo: on!
3. All my summer work plans are going down the toilet.
Internal debate
A part of me thinks you should really just have the balls to say fuck all and do what you want. That's the part of me that's selfish but bold and strong.
But then, im also proud that you decided to put the needs of another ahead of yours. How selfless and grown-up. What a mighty-good-man thing to do (im not being sarcastic, ok). That's my considerate, thoughtful side.
And then the truly evil side of me thinks: am i the cause for worry? Tee hee......i kinda makes me feel wicked, in a good naughty way.
Either ways im fucked.
A suicide classic: Alone again, naturally. Ok, it's a little extreme for the circumstances, but who do you turn to when it all goes bad- classic sad music and movies and maybe cigarettes, booze and chocolate. Chocolate will always love you- a dangerous, possesive love, for no one else loves a fatty.
But then, im also proud that you decided to put the needs of another ahead of yours. How selfless and grown-up. What a mighty-good-man thing to do (im not being sarcastic, ok). That's my considerate, thoughtful side.
And then the truly evil side of me thinks: am i the cause for worry? Tee hee......i kinda makes me feel wicked, in a good naughty way.
Either ways im fucked.
A suicide classic: Alone again, naturally. Ok, it's a little extreme for the circumstances, but who do you turn to when it all goes bad- classic sad music and movies and maybe cigarettes, booze and chocolate. Chocolate will always love you- a dangerous, possesive love, for no one else loves a fatty.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Decemberist are playing london!
And instead of being a silly cow, as i have been proving the past few days, i have purchased 2 tickets, promptly.
Colin Maloy, feel the love. And the rest of the band too. That's the charm of following him on Twitter. I opted not to go when they were here in 2007 and how i have regretted that decision, till now.
Ah, the Hazards of Love.
Now, anyone wanting to escort me on the night? It's 21 pounds for a night of the decemberist and my lovely company. Plus some bad singing and a night on the town in highgate where we will get as drunk as sailors in true decemberist style. I'll even wear period dress, if i could find and fit into one.
And my one true love, if you are reading this, now or in some years to come- i'd like the decemberist back catalogue (you can 'own' it if you want, but you must share) and a few of carson ellis's artwork. I love you, now and forever. Do come to the gig if you are in town. And if you dont have a ticket- i've got an extra.
I cannot find a decemberist version, but this man does a good version and helps with vocabulary in the beginning. Love the lumberjack look!
Warning- please dont listen if you are suicidal, have recently suffered or suffering from depression or have had a recent major life event; especially those involving failed relationships and/or the roman empire.
Colin Maloy, feel the love. And the rest of the band too. That's the charm of following him on Twitter. I opted not to go when they were here in 2007 and how i have regretted that decision, till now.
Ah, the Hazards of Love.
Now, anyone wanting to escort me on the night? It's 21 pounds for a night of the decemberist and my lovely company. Plus some bad singing and a night on the town in highgate where we will get as drunk as sailors in true decemberist style. I'll even wear period dress, if i could find and fit into one.
And my one true love, if you are reading this, now or in some years to come- i'd like the decemberist back catalogue (you can 'own' it if you want, but you must share) and a few of carson ellis's artwork. I love you, now and forever. Do come to the gig if you are in town. And if you dont have a ticket- i've got an extra.
I cannot find a decemberist version, but this man does a good version and helps with vocabulary in the beginning. Love the lumberjack look!
Warning- please dont listen if you are suicidal, have recently suffered or suffering from depression or have had a recent major life event; especially those involving failed relationships and/or the roman empire.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Not yet!
I'd like to think that im concerned about the welfare of others. hah.
I just don't like the idea of people cursing my death. So no jumping in front of trains at rush hour or stepping in front of the bus (although being someone's cause for PTSD is a twisted kinda way to be remembered) is outta the question.
I have to settled debts (MARA), move out, give away all my belongings and apologize to everyone.
Kiss the family goodbye.
Buy the chanel handbag (you have to tear it out of my cold, dead hands)
Pray.......
That really is the checklist. Everything apart from that is either troublesome and unnecessary or a blessing (or a unnecessary blessing- we like those)
so morbid, kan?
That's what exams do to me. My momento mori. Aiseh.
I just don't like the idea of people cursing my death. So no jumping in front of trains at rush hour or stepping in front of the bus (although being someone's cause for PTSD is a twisted kinda way to be remembered) is outta the question.
I have to settled debts (MARA), move out, give away all my belongings and apologize to everyone.
Kiss the family goodbye.
Buy the chanel handbag (you have to tear it out of my cold, dead hands)
Pray.......
That really is the checklist. Everything apart from that is either troublesome and unnecessary or a blessing (or a unnecessary blessing- we like those)
so morbid, kan?
That's what exams do to me. My momento mori. Aiseh.
Standards
No one can blame you if you've tried your best.
Tried your best means actually trying. Hard. Doing, working, sacrificing. This is not a hobby. It is your life, so for fuck's sake- fucking try. fucking work. Till you're raw and in pain. It's worth it. It will be beautiful.
Tried your best means actually trying. Hard. Doing, working, sacrificing. This is not a hobby. It is your life, so for fuck's sake- fucking try. fucking work. Till you're raw and in pain. It's worth it. It will be beautiful.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Pretty killer
When i say exams are pretty killer, i don't mean like this.
Pretty Killer- Lili Margot.
***Now the party is over and i guess im over too
The music is going slower, i just can't take my eyes off you
Pretty killer, little crime, dances with another guy
Have no chance to kiss you later, i think i've lost too many times
And now im too drunk to be your lover, you're to sober to be mine
Pretty killer, little crime, dancing with another guy
There's no more 'come on Eileen', no more DJs to save my life
What could i do to frighten him?
I forgot to take my knife
Pretty killer, little crime, dancing with another guy
Pretty killer, kills me well, dances with all the men***
Thursday, July 16, 2009
How to explain anything to anyone [a med student entry]
formerly titled: how to explain shit.
Introductions:
who the hell you are and what are you doing here
who they are, their age and what they for a living [you nosy bugger]
Why are they seeing you?
ICE,ICE BABY:
So, any Idea what's going on?
Any particular Concerns?
What are you Expecting? [not a cure i hope]
THE MEATY EXPLAINING BIT:
What the hell is it?
[a rash, nasty mucus everywhere, you going crazy]
What caused it?
[fungus, nasty genes, chemical imbalance]
How common is it?
[lots-people just dont talk about it, 1 in 4000 among white caucasians, a few people here or there]
What were the things that made you get it?
[infrequent baths, marrying cousins, too much weed]
What's the problem then (complications......)?
short term:[itchy-itchy everywhere, bad lungs+gut, killing your cat]
long term: [not ever getting laid, dying young, killing yourself]
How to fix it?
[a cream, the MDT*, lotsa meds and a hospital stay]
What and who's gonna be involved?
*the MDT - like the best answer ever- the multidiscliplinary team can handle anything and everything.
QUS, QUS TO FINISH:
Any Questions?
Do you actually Understand the words that are coming outta my mouth? Don't forget the ever important information leaflet
Summarise- just quickly cover what is it and how to fix it. Reassure, empathize, show love.
Now get outta there quick!
Introductions:
who the hell you are and what are you doing here
who they are, their age and what they for a living [you nosy bugger]
Why are they seeing you?
ICE,ICE BABY:
So, any Idea what's going on?
Any particular Concerns?
What are you Expecting? [not a cure i hope]
THE MEATY EXPLAINING BIT:
What the hell is it?
[a rash, nasty mucus everywhere, you going crazy]
What caused it?
[fungus, nasty genes, chemical imbalance]
How common is it?
[lots-people just dont talk about it, 1 in 4000 among white caucasians, a few people here or there]
What were the things that made you get it?
[infrequent baths, marrying cousins, too much weed]
What's the problem then (complications......)?
short term:[itchy-itchy everywhere, bad lungs+gut, killing your cat]
long term: [not ever getting laid, dying young, killing yourself]
How to fix it?
[a cream, the MDT*, lotsa meds and a hospital stay]
What and who's gonna be involved?
*the MDT - like the best answer ever- the multidiscliplinary team can handle anything and everything.
QUS, QUS TO FINISH:
Any Questions?
Do you actually Understand the words that are coming outta my mouth? Don't forget the ever important information leaflet
Summarise- just quickly cover what is it and how to fix it. Reassure, empathize, show love.
Now get outta there quick!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Zee Avi - Kantoi
The chomel-est "you bastard" song.
Cute! cute!
"no wonderlah my friends pun tak suka you..."
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
It's like a sign
The exams were traumatic. Somehow this year i went in with less fear and worry, not bacause i felt i was prepared or knowledgeable; but i think i have truly lost hope.
The eternal optimist has given up.
I want to be a good person, but i just know i can't. I used to hope i could, but now that i know i am not capable. Not that im not capable of being a mediocrely good person, i just wont be the great person i wanted to.
Last night was terrible. I was so upset while trying to cram neurology and bursting into spasms of tears between questions. I was talking to myself, talking to God, getting angry, sad and tired. I didnt sleep too well but i didnt think it affected the exam much, except i was yawning halfway through.
I went food shopping today. My fridge is was empty and i was living off chocolate biscuits and non-coffee caffeine drinks- since my chat with Rana about her mother's insistence that meat is good for you i went out and bought lots of meat.
Talk about circumstantiality.
The sign is i found a banana yoshimoto at the local charity shop. It's called N.P. There's a lot in there about suicide and the melancholy in living but also love, friendship and family. Unlike Kitchen or Hardboiled/Hardluck this is just one story.
A few people top themselves in the story. I dont think i will, yet. The problem if i do top myself now is that i'll leave a horrible mess behind that someone has to clean up. It's great cos if im dead there's no mess to handle, but i dislike the idea of making trouble for other people.
I've established that my melancholy, that chronic low grade depression on top of my baseline paranoid, narcissistic, dependent-avoidant personality disorder is the root of my problems. Because all my issues are internal, whatever happens im gonna be sad always.
Anyway, im sleepy and tired and will start revising for practicals now. My baselines are stable. Im serene in my misery because i know i have no power to change it.
The eternal optimist has given up.
I want to be a good person, but i just know i can't. I used to hope i could, but now that i know i am not capable. Not that im not capable of being a mediocrely good person, i just wont be the great person i wanted to.
Last night was terrible. I was so upset while trying to cram neurology and bursting into spasms of tears between questions. I was talking to myself, talking to God, getting angry, sad and tired. I didnt sleep too well but i didnt think it affected the exam much, except i was yawning halfway through.
I went food shopping today. My fridge is was empty and i was living off chocolate biscuits and non-coffee caffeine drinks- since my chat with Rana about her mother's insistence that meat is good for you i went out and bought lots of meat.
Talk about circumstantiality.
The sign is i found a banana yoshimoto at the local charity shop. It's called N.P. There's a lot in there about suicide and the melancholy in living but also love, friendship and family. Unlike Kitchen or Hardboiled/Hardluck this is just one story.
A few people top themselves in the story. I dont think i will, yet. The problem if i do top myself now is that i'll leave a horrible mess behind that someone has to clean up. It's great cos if im dead there's no mess to handle, but i dislike the idea of making trouble for other people.
I've established that my melancholy, that chronic low grade depression on top of my baseline paranoid, narcissistic, dependent-avoidant personality disorder is the root of my problems. Because all my issues are internal, whatever happens im gonna be sad always.
Anyway, im sleepy and tired and will start revising for practicals now. My baselines are stable. Im serene in my misery because i know i have no power to change it.
Monday, July 13, 2009
It's almost midnight and i'm losing it.
If i knew that i wasn't gonna rot in hell for eternity i'd be happy to die.
It's too late but it's too early
It's too late for regretting time wasted, wrong answers and sheer stupidity.
It's too late to work hard and get this right.
It's too early to give up, too early to call this a day.
It's too late to work hard and get this right.
It's too early to give up, too early to call this a day.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Until We Bleed (featuring Lykke Li) - Mikael's cello version
swedish love!
gotta say, i like the 'alternative' versions better.
eeek, must revise, almost 10 already!
Where does time go?
To youtube, long baths and good songs.
jangan berdalih, ulang kaji sementara sempat
What's malay for 'knocked up'? Is it terlanjur? What a word, it even sounds wrong. I find malay so much more colorful and expressive, though a little disgusting when discussing certain things.
Lovely song- sweet yet a little twisted, just how i like it. Sexy as hell.
Lovely song- sweet yet a little twisted, just how i like it. Sexy as hell.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Voicemail
I wake up to my phone alarm- oh, a missed call. Check voicemail.
A seductive, husky male voice says hi; then introduces himself.
What, who.....huh....sleep addled brain, engage.
Right......my mate's new boy. Wait, this makes no sense.
Think:
Nope.
All neurons are engaged with medical knowledge and 2 songs: King's Of Leon's Knocked Up (the Lykke Li version) and Lykke Li's Tonight.
No neurons left for this mystery. After exams, after exams.
A seductive, husky male voice says hi; then introduces himself.
What, who.....huh....sleep addled brain, engage.
Right......my mate's new boy. Wait, this makes no sense.
Think:
Nope.
All neurons are engaged with medical knowledge and 2 songs: King's Of Leon's Knocked Up (the Lykke Li version) and Lykke Li's Tonight.
No neurons left for this mystery. After exams, after exams.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I have nothing to contribute
I exist only for myself. This exists only for myself.
It is my catharsis, but i think i have let it all out.
I have nothing new, original or novel to contribute. To this blog or to anyone, anything else.
Im like a cassette, overplayed, wearing thin. Flip once, flip twice, fast-forward, ooops, rewind.
Now, all the brown tape has been pulled out, extruded. Loops brown stringy stuff that breaks with a snap when you pull too hard. Break that plastic case. Stamp on it.
It is my catharsis, but i think i have let it all out.
I have nothing new, original or novel to contribute. To this blog or to anyone, anything else.
Im like a cassette, overplayed, wearing thin. Flip once, flip twice, fast-forward, ooops, rewind.
Now, all the brown tape has been pulled out, extruded. Loops brown stringy stuff that breaks with a snap when you pull too hard. Break that plastic case. Stamp on it.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Lykke Li - Tonight - Live acoustic take
I'll let this cocoon me to sleep
Delicate, tender, almost too much to take.
Both versions are pretty, but this one is particularly touching, heartbreaking
I like her voice- it's a twee little girl voice, a bit like the "surf detergent" song as well.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
pass me the codeine, there never is an accidental overdose, is there?
The analgesia queen has lost her magic box of meds.
Where, where?!
found them.
yeah, no such thing as an 'accidental' OD. Not now anyway. I wonder, how does acetylcysteine taste like?
Where, where?!
found them.
yeah, no such thing as an 'accidental' OD. Not now anyway. I wonder, how does acetylcysteine taste like?
Check out the skull guitar!
french and twee!
band: Yodelice
Song: Sunday with a flu (clip officiel)
I wonder what you call this style of dressing- depression era street performer/ vagabond chic? Love it!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Kanye West - The New Workout Plan Long Version (Explicit)
Thinspiration from Kanye
Work out mantra (double time!):
That's right, put in work (Woo!)
Move your ass, go berserk (Ow!
Eat your salad, no dessert (Ugh!)
Get that man you deserve
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