It's like a sign

The exams were traumatic. Somehow this year i went in with less fear and worry, not bacause i felt i was prepared or knowledgeable; but i think i have truly lost hope.

The eternal optimist has given up.

I want to be a good person, but i just know i can't. I used to hope i could, but now that i know i am not capable. Not that im not capable of being a mediocrely good person, i just wont be the great person i wanted to.

Last night was terrible. I was so upset while trying to cram neurology and bursting into spasms of tears between questions. I was talking to myself, talking to God, getting angry, sad and tired. I didnt sleep too well but i didnt think it affected the exam much, except i was yawning halfway through.

I went food shopping today. My fridge is was empty and i was living off chocolate biscuits and non-coffee caffeine drinks- since my chat with Rana about her mother's insistence that meat is good for you i went out and bought lots of meat.

Talk about circumstantiality.

The sign is i found a banana yoshimoto at the local charity shop. It's called N.P. There's a lot in there about suicide and the melancholy in living but also love, friendship and family. Unlike Kitchen or Hardboiled/Hardluck this is just one story.

A few people top themselves in the story. I dont think i will, yet. The problem if i do top myself now is that i'll leave a horrible mess behind that someone has to clean up. It's great cos if im dead there's no mess to handle, but i dislike the idea of making trouble for other people.

I've established that my melancholy, that chronic low grade depression on top of my baseline paranoid, narcissistic, dependent-avoidant personality disorder is the root of my problems. Because all my issues are internal, whatever happens im gonna be sad always.

Anyway, im sleepy and tired and will start revising for practicals now. My baselines are stable. Im serene in my misery because i know i have no power to change it.