Feeling empty and useless again

Today i have received mail from a few friends. Friends that have been doing amazing things over the holidays. I feel like a perfect bum. I have spent my holidays at home, lounging, waking up late, oversleeping, overeatingand dreaming too much. I have not spent a lot of time with friends-been abandoning a lot of them really, in favour of lazing about at home. Somehow im always stuck in at home doing something (what im usually unsure). I wonder where my holidays have gone, and what ive done with them. Time sure flies fast, and im not doing much with it for sure. One thing ive done a lot during these holidays is EAT. My parents have indulged 'almost' my every whim. Steaks, chicken rice, arabic food, japanese, banana leaf, seafood-you name it, ive had it. My dad's kinda loosen the purse strings a bit, and i find myself spending like there's no tomorrow. Dangerous i tell you. Still, it's fun. Ive never quite been this 'free' with money. Im always a bit tight-fisted: i kinda have the mentality that i may run out of money tomorrow or this week, so save!!!

But back to feeling empty and useless-yeah,i havent done much at all. Some people have gone to see the world, some people gone around to hang out with all their friends-i've just hung at home and got bored. Been trying to tutor my brother for his exams-not really working. He doesnt seem to want to learn from me. I wonder if it's the fact im his sister and he wont take me seriously or it's because im crap at teaching. I really am not sure. I have not gone out and partied like mad, nor have i studied like mad as i initially planned i would. Training over the summer was a stupid plan from the beginning-i am not disiplined at all at home.

So, with a month to go, what am i gonna do? Well, im gonna be nice to family. Im gonna stay at my grandma's for a bit, and then maybe kidnap another grandma to stay at home with us for a few days. Im gonna get my hair done, maybe closer to when im leaving. Im gonna catch up with a few friends and maybe catch another gig or to before i leave. Oh yeah, and get more shoes...hehehehe

The horrors of Shopping and Squash


Went shopping today. Finally bought flatmate A's external hardrive. Just went to the Curve rather than trekking to Low Yat. It was a good price, and a decent casing-and the boy hereby owes me big time. i'm still trying to figure out how to pack it safely minus the big kahuna box. Oh and i got a big kahuna printer as well. Am thinking that the printer has to come later with my uncle when he flies into london again. Bless all family members that work with airlines. Back to F.A's shopping list. The boy has me buying slippers and stationary for him. Havent got a clue how im gonna pack his stuff in addition to all my stuff. I have 3 pairs of shoes to pack already, and i still think i need more (hehehehehh-cant resist shopping here-the only limitation is my enormous size). Still managed to get a few tanks, a cute top and some nice t-shirts. All on my mom too-i think yesterday's conversation about taking out money from my foreign acc. got her 'inspired' to treat me. Or she's just going bonkers. Either way im happy. We had an amazing lunch-went to fridays and i got those lovely ribs that i've been craving for since i was in England. Oh my god-they're soooooo good. Nothing beats melt in your mouth ribs-soft, moist meat falling off the bone, smothered in thick barbeque sauce. ah, fattening heaven. Unfortunately though, i think my dad's kinda pissed we went without him. He was in Kuantan and we were at the Curve and hungry-who could blame us? Still i kinda feel guilty cos it's kinda his money and here we are having fun without him. He was pretty pissed when he heard. Oh well, hopefully he wont be pissed for long. Anyway-after the sinful lunch we dropped by the pharmacy to get some things. Little brother got hair dye, while i, still feeling like a fat cow (after shopping and consuming half a cow) i bought these slimming jamu caplets. Yes laugh all you want-im fat, i know it, and i wanna do something about it now. REALLY........I should be taking loads of these caplets over the next few weeks, so we'll see how it works. If it works then i'm planning to stock up for England. Gonna start diet properly there. It's impossible to diet at home. With all the good food and family /friend occasions-hell, its near impossible.
So, still feeling fat from lunch my little bro (who is on a diet now-like the whole family is except me) decided to go play squah in the evening, after his classes. he called the club straightaway and booked a court. He dragged me and my mom along. There were two racquets and squash is a two person sport. I was reluctant to play-i'm horrible at racquet sports (all sports really) but my mom made me play anyways. She couldnt stop critisizing me from outside the court.'run after the ball', 'dont hold your racquet like that'....blah...blah.....It drove me crazy. I walked out of the court and told her,'if it's too painful to watch-you play instead'. And so she took the racquet from me and played with my bro. That just got me soo pissed and annoyed. I couldnt be nice anymore. I was a total bitch at the squash court-played really badly (i didnt have to try very hard-im already a horrible player as it is) even with my bro. He was trying do hard to get me playing well, but i just wasnt cooperating. Then he got pissed and we went on to the gym at the club. My mom was on this machine and she told me to get on the one next to her, and with a look of utter disdain i walked two machines down in the opposite direction and got on that one. I was so bitchy. I was just so pissed that she had to show off how fit she is and what an excellent squash player she is when she knows im a talentless blob. I just hated her then. And my bro, who was showing off as well. And i hated myself. I've grown so fat and flabby in a month. All the work, six months worth, undone in a month. Very piss-offing, innit? I guess i gotta toughen up a bit before i go back or i wont be able to squeeze into my old clothes. I really hate being fat, i really do. I guess i gotta get a thinspiration and use it to keep it going. Argh....how i wish i was skinny!!!

It feels so good to be squeeky clean. To hell with the splitting migrain ive got now-im just happy to be clean. I just came back from the Sheila On 7 gig- I love the band.....I was a most excellent gig...These guys are brilliant on stage. They're killer musicians and Duta is one hell-of a lead singer. Funny, charming and soo much better looking in real life.
I was so ready to not enjoy the concert after i found out that my concert buddy and friend Shazzers couldnt go because she had to go see family in some backwater plantation in Pahang. She got into a fight with her dad and all but basically she couldnt come. I asked D to come but he had to get a bloody chest infection (not that that would keep him down usually, but he was wheezing and cant even laugh because it closed off his airways) And then there was tan sri buzz -but in his own words "i takut indon kilang". He suggested that i bring lotsa Glade (a sprayable air freshener) along to the concert. Very funny buzz.........In the end i got by lil bro (little by age and not physical size) to the gig with me....Oh, and the prices for the tickets were slashed by half a day before the concert. I had to be one of the hard core fans that bought the tickets waaay early at the (almost) full price. They also had us waiting for an hour and 15 minutes- by that time i was almost gonna leave. Good thing i held on though. The show was worth it. Though i still think keeping people waiting is evil. But evil is sometimes good too....
Even though it started late they still had an opening band, a band called 'Bumi band' (yeah, go figure) An Indonesian band also-and they're pretty good.....The sang bout 4 songs- high energy, jumping songs....and the odd sentimental ballad. They're on my list of bands to watch tho-they've got a good sound and the lead singer is ok-looking. I guess their gonna make it big soon-they've got a song on the movie Remp-it's soundtrack and i like that song...
Sheila on 7 came on stage one by one: lead guitar (Eross), drummer, Duta and bassist (Adam). The went straight into rocking the crowd-they're sooo much more amazing in real life!!! You have to understand that i LOVE this band. I've been a staunch fan since 2001. I've just havent had the luck of seeing these guys play live. When i found out they were playing a gig down here in KL i found a concert buddy and bought tickets straightaway.........And dug up all my old cassettes ( ive lost most of my substantial collection-only one sheila on 7 cassette left!!) .
Anyway-these guys really play well. Duta was amazing as always- kept the crowd going through 1.5 hours. They alternated between the 'jumping' tunes and their more mellow, sad ballads. They went through a few of the singles from their new album, but mostly it was their classic tunes. If you watch the bootleg videos i made you can here me screaming along to most of them. me and my bro were about 6 rows at the back and near a bunch of moshing sweaty indonesians-but somehow i managed to get pushed and shoved to the 2nd row from the front. too bad there was some guy in front of me with a tight sweet 'fro. I had to bend my head sideways slighty to get a good view. And tip toe, cos the chick next to sweet 'fro man had big hair-for good sakes, it's hot already-tie up ur hair woman!!! Still, managed to get a good view of the stage......The photographs turned ot dodgy, but my videos turned out pretty good........
The gig itself was super amazing, but the crowd was properly dodgy. Tan Sri Buzz's fears were not unfounded. In the beginning me and lil bro were stuck near the moshing and very sweaty people in the centre. Not only were they shoving people everywhere-they stepped on my sweet and pritine white sneakers. My laces were decimated by the end. Oh, and did i mention sweaty and smelly? My sense of smell shut down after awhile-it couldnt stand the assault of gross smells....And all these sweaty dudes decided to take off their t-shirts and swish it around. Lucky thing im not that tall-by much taller lil bro got wet slapped by a gross t-shirt once or twice. I got loads of other people's sweat on me. That's just gross. I cant imagine how i survived. Seriously. I was hot and sweaty but when i got out of the concert i was soaked. It was like i got stuck in a monsoon downpour for an hour. Absolutely soaked, and worst, not all the sweat was mine...EWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that is why im so happy to be clean. Sooo soooo happy. Not only i got to see a band that i love and adore sooo much, i even got a ride home with a friend. My dad was being all evil again and didnt wanna get us from the stadium. I met a uni friend who had some space in her car so we got a ride to uptown (a foodie area about 10 minutes from home). Had loads of food then the parents came to get us.
It was a great day except for Shazzers and the bloody migrain im having now....

Puteri Gunung Ledang-The Musical

Wow-it's an amazing three hour show. Absolutly brilliant!!! The music is haunting and singing surprisingly good. The main actors were stunning-Tiara looked wonderful and Stephen was real impressive. Imagine-the guy couldnt speak Malay a year ago, and now he's speaking like a true-blue Melayu. No trace of a foreign accent. And good looking to boot.
I've never seen the movie, but like everyone else i've heard of the story of puteri gunung ledang-the proud and beautiful princess who artfully rejected the marriange proposal of the amorous Sultan Mahmud of Melaka by setting almost impossible conditions for him to meet. If you still remember your form 5 kerusi-it's all there. They took some liberties with the story though and added starcrossed lovers: Hang Tuah and the Princess: Gusti Puteri. the love story bit is typical-Beautiful princess dreams of love and adventure, trapped within the four walls of the palace by the king ( who perchance is her brother ). Falls in love wih a foreign emissary after some intellectual bantering, because of political turmoil princess has to marry king of foreign land, loyal emissary torn between love and duty, unrequited love, dead nanny, in the end princess doesnt have to marry king instead chooses to spend the rest of her life in isolation on a mountain.
Think something like Tristan and Isolde, but between Majapahit and Melaka rather than Ireland and England. Still, it's a classic story and theme, so there's not much that can go wrong. And i love the malay take and twist on the whole thing. The use of pantuns, rhymes and innuendos, the delicacy of the malay language-even though there were very good subtitles they didnt catch the nuances that you get in the original malay.
I loved the dancing in the musical. There's loads of indian and indonesian influences with the puteri's dance-some great solo pieces that goes so well with the haunting dream like gamelan music. The group dances were good too-loads of energy combined with real vibrant music....And there's this once sequence involving the Sultan Melaka that was outright hilarious. Seriously super funny. There's some experimental/modern dance pieces-and i love the way they used a minimal set- and the dancers have to move these large set pieces around...hahahah...
And they use white cloth to represent water-there was one scene where the princess was running through the surf to get into the boat tha looked real good-all they used were billowing white cloth and a fake sail (and some strong men to lift princess up and down like she's sailing)...
It was a great showlah, to put simply. I even got a CD single-and i got it signed. Will post photos when i manage to get them up. had a massive row with my dad about the new camera. I keep on telling him the auto focus red light drives me crazy because it blinds my subjects, but he insists that its good and excellent. We managed to agree to disagree about it to enjoy the musical-Thank god!!!!!

The result of some long conversations (on phones and on messenger) and loads of thinking while doing dishes have made me decide. Life is passing me by a bit. Bit by bit. And so i shall be bold. And i shall live as much as i want, See as much art as i can. Buy all i want- the cycle of wealth will prevail. The truth of the matter is ive been playing too safe. Not taking risks. And being scared. Not just scared of so called dangerous things-but scared of failing, making mistakes, making people mad........scared of being myself and telling the truth to myself and people around me. IM TIRED OF ALL THE LIES.........soooo tired. so there. here it is:

I HEREBY PROMISE TO MYSELF THAT:

1. I WONT LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE
2. I WILL GO BLOND
3. I AM COMMITTING TO LOSING 10KGs BY CHRISTMAS HOLS
4. I WILL VISIT MELACCA & PENANG BEFORE I GO BACK TO ENGLAND

at the moment i'll stop at that. Too many and it wont be achievable. I've got academic goals to reach as well, but i'll right them down when im in an academic state of mind. Im adamant. I cant live like this anymore, its too taxing. I hate being suicidal every few months when i feel fat and inconsequential.

This post is about a boy. A boy met a long time ago and met again. A boy, like a rip tide, is pulling to the surface emotions that has been long been buried in the surf. And taking me down into the water. Not a very special boy-no, not my greek god nor is he the light of day. But he is a boy that means something. What i am uncertain, but this will be one remembered. He was remembered, the memory embellished within my mind, mere thoughts till recently. It is a little like seeing myself in a mirror with the embellishing power of my mind. Somehow in this boy i see what i can become if i try hard enough. If i be bold. If i take my life back from fate's hand and mould it as i see fit. If i follow my dharma. But again, i wonder why must it be invoked by this boy. Why him? Why now? What am i suppose to do?