Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It starts as hate and becomes grudging liking.....where will it go?

Im talking about my relationship with Interpol.

I had a few select Interpol songs in my music collection for ages but i never got around to listening to them. If the songs came up in a random playlist it naver piqued my interest.

What got me listening was the offer of tickets to an Interpol gig in London. I thought to myself, i need to get to know their music if im going to their gig. I didn't like them at all at the first listen.

I was keen to go (im a fan of live music, any kind really) but i forgot about the gig and missed it. I had an exhausting day and was flat out by the evening- it totally slipped my mind.

This was all last year.

Today, i was listening to Slow Hands, Evil and The Heinrich Maneuvre. Those songs definately piqued my interest today. Obstacles 1 is pretty good too. And the deep bass of the lead singer's (Paul Bank) voice doesn't grate so much anymore. I know im hooked when i start humming along, and later on the tube platform attempt to sing the song with all the wrong lyrics.

It dawned upon me, hey, im starting to like interpol. Their lyrics are a bit beyond me, it's too deep for me to interpret or understand. They're not story-telling lyricist like the Decemberist or Belle and Sebastian but it's the tunes, the post-progressive punk that's gotten me.

Im trying to figure out what's changed so that now i like them (grudgingly i admit) after exhorting to my mates (all interpol fans mind you) how interpol does not push any of my musical buttons and Paul Bank's voice is just to basso for me to enjoy.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Im too old

I find that being depressed, suicidal and all dark and brooding is kinda cute and cool when i was 15, but now, at 23, this angst is lame.

Smoking and listening to german emo bands on a thursday night used to be cool. Now im just unhealthy and sad.

Your face is scarred with age,
You're twenty-three but, how can that be?


Half-an-hour later..........

The fire alarm went off! Sheer panic- is it my room? Flung open the windows, dumped my ashtray in the bin and tucked my smokes into my pocket. Legged it downstairs and stood shivering outside in the cold. Found out a bit later that the alarm set off was in the 3rd floor stairwell. Phew.........relief.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Painful Pins

My pathologically wide feet hurt.
So do my calves.
I was running about for about 10 hours in pretty shoes (=painful shoes).

My brain hurts
And yet i still know nothing.

I feel sad for the people i met today.

This term i've been having a niggly feeling that im in the wrong career path.
I'm scared of people.
I don't like seeing people in pain.
I will not make any money in this job.
I have lost motivation to study. Even smart, show-off people don't inspire me to study and get smart so i can wipe that pompous smirk of their face. I used to love doing that.

Im hungry, but i don't want real food. I want chocolate, pringles and fried chicken coated in barbeque sauce. Chips smothered with cheese and covered in mayonnaise and ketchup.

Someone feed me and give me a reason to live.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Biking in high heels

I usually look disgusting on my bike. Ratty jeans, dirty shoes and me sweating like a pig as i overtake yet another fucking bus.

But im inspired by this manifesto by a Danish cycling style blog. There is a chance that i'll grow up to be a chic cyclist. Till then im still wondering if i should get that 40 quid gold lame jacket to cycle in. Big fat golden girl with red heels on a black and orange mountain bike. I'm loving the image already.


The Copenhagen Cycle Chic Manifesto.

I choose to cycle chic and, at every opportunity, I will choose Style over Speed.

I embrace my responsibility to contribute visually to a more aesthetically pleasing urban landscape.

I am aware that my mere prescence in said urban landscape will inspire others without me being labelled as a 'bicycle activist'.

I will ride with grace, elegance and dignity.

I will choose a bicycle that reflects my personality and style.
I will, however, regard my bicycle as transport and as a mere supplement to my own personal style. Allowing my bike to upstage me is unacceptable.

I will endeavour to ensure that the total value of my clothes always exceeds that of my bicycle.

I will accessorize in accordance with the standards of a bicycle culture and acquire, where possible, a chain guard, kickstand, skirt guard, fenders, bell and basket.

I will respect the traffic laws.

I will refrain from wearing and owning any form of 'cycle wear'. The only exception being a bicycle helmet - if I choose to exercise my freedom of personal choice and wear one.




Alternatively, a golden satin jacket...?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Vampire - Antsy Pants

From the soundtrack of Juno.

It is how i feel at the moment. A kind of hyper, angry, sad and lonely that only a vampire that has lost its fangs (but still retaining his sense of humour) can feel, bustling around with lots of energy and nothing to do.

Im so angry ive lost my appetite.

Where's my cigarettes?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Self-doubt

Im one of those people who believe that if i want something bad enough, i'll get it. So, if i dont get something i want, it's all my fault for not wanting it enough.

Fuzzy logic, but it's a personal truth.

There's footnotes and exceptions; for example: if something is bad for me, i may not get it, however desperately i want it.

The power of this simple concept of getting what i want has its principles in the idea that our world is something we create. That i have a part of play in the grand scheme of things. My thoughts, beliefs and actions all contribute into making the world what it is. However little my ripples are in the grand ocean. I might not be the butterfly whose flutter wings cause the proverbial tornado across the world, but it may make the petals of a nearby flower to shiver. And thus the dominos continue to fall.

The idea is that if i cannot fathom the concept/idea/ thought of not getting something, that world, with that reality, will not exist for me. In that split second where there exist two possibilities, the only possibility that can exist and continue as reality is the one with what i want, only because i believe no other reality can exist.

So, based on the above arguments, to get what i want i must not be ready to accept anything else. I must go for what i want with a kind of tunnel vision focus- to want something so bad that nothing else exist but it. That my world would crumble if it doesn't happen. Because it i will get what i want, i only have to want to bad enough.

Self-doubt is most dangerous because it opens up the possibility that an alternative, less desirable outcome to become reality. At that important split second where multiple outcomes exist but our world can only pick one to become the current reality, there is a chance that the undesired outcome will become reality. If we consider that the both outcomes are equally possible, then there's a 50-50 chance i may get what i want. If i come up with more than one alternative outcome, the chances of getting what i ultimately want becomes smaller.

The conclusion is that to get what I want I have to be strong and not ever consider settling for less.

With the grace of God, of course.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

julie tearjerky

A classic from the 90's with a most hilarious video. At least i dont lose my sense of humour when im suicidal

images of ireland 1









Cliffs of Moher


Galway in the evening


The green revellers on St. Patrick's Day parade




My own pint! (and a certificate for it too!)











Friday, April 11, 2008

I didnt get it

i didn't get a place at the fancy house.

does it mean im stuck here?

im so tired of living i wish i could die.

it's too hard to be happy and alive.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Jenny Owen Youngs - Fuck Was I

My new love- Weeds.

You can take that line interpret that any way you like.

Nada Surf - Always Love

It's 3 in the morning, im afraid to call my mother

I'm not in a good way to talk to her. I don't think i can fake healthy and happy. If i can convince myself might be able to convince her. I can't do this anymore. I really want to run away.
My anchor has gone incommunicato- and im committing friendship suicide/murder. She'll find out for sure, i don't know why i did it, but i dont know what im doing. cancel that. I know what im doing, im going in this with my eyes open, but, the reasons are a little blurry. Maybe im crazy. Maybe it's too many cigarettes. Maybe it's just the strain.
The fucking research project going to the dogs. The 10,000 word essay due in May. The really smart and nice guys im in placement with who are so intelligent, coherent, confident and 'together': i wish i could hate them. The weight im not losing. the half bag of marshmallows i scoffed in 10 minutes. The 10 episodes of Weeds i just watched. The work i didn't do.
It aint a great place to be.
I dont want her to know. She doesn't need to know this.
But why do we tell?
Im looking for sympathy, some comfort, somebody to say that it'll be ok. 'Cause i dont believe me. Nada surf provides some comfort, but it aint real. Relief is temporary, this shit don't just go away with a playlist of soppy songs.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Happiness in little things

It's been a hellish few weeks. It's gonna get worse, i imagine.

But i should not linger on the bad bits.

There was Gogol Bordello at Brixton Academy. I was almost killed, i must've gotten hairline fractures on my toes, but it was the craziest, rockiest and most insane rock concert i've been too. With a gypsy twist. Plus moshing spanish boys and a man trying to push past me with arms the size of ham. You know, the size whole cured pig legs? I had a great time- my mate C almost fainted- she had to lifted out past the barriers, true rock chick style!

Then there's the new haircut. I finally went to a salon, but a neighbourhood one. The lady just nodded at all i said- i had my reservations, but my hair came out great. The nasty bits are cut out, and i have layers now! It was expensive, but the boost it gave me was worth it!

My uncle came from M'sia with enough food to tide me over this whole month (perfect since im desperately broke, again).

I have also received some intriguing news. Involving Paris, a ball and marine transport. I really don't know what's going on, but i dare not hope it's what i think it is.

Yes, im still stressed and depressed. But i am an optimist, no?
I want to die- just to get outta this mess. What do you do if you have bitten off too much to chew and there's nowhere to spit it out. I'm unable to spit it out. I feel like dying would be the easy way out. And at the moment- it's what i need. I want out.

Out of medical school, out of london, out of touch.

I want to be somewhere where no one can find me

Where responsibility doesn't exist and there is nothing needed of me
Where i dont have to be anything
I can exist for the sake of existing
Not to satisfy any need
To be part of nothing

Join the world of my own accord
Not to fight it
But to let her take me away
In trust and safety

To feel blessed again
safe and loved.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Faut souffrir etre pour vivre



Faut souffrir etre pour belle

It's one of those hellish weeks

I feel like im being condemned. Everything has been going wrong- each day, since i came back from Ireland has brought some great calamity along with it.

I wont even bother listing- it's too many. And it's not like im having a fantastic day either.

The bullet in the head, the nail in the coffin was fucking up my interview for my new accomodation (yeah, that exclusive)

I cried on a friend's bed for an hour. It was good to have someone listen and pat my arm. Arm patting is most comforting.

Im feeling overwhelmed and upset by everything.

going, going gone

And it's too late to move on
Going, going gone

-star's: going, going gone-

Im in lotsa lotsa trouble. Drowning in a deep pile of crap. No one can help. Argh!