Just keep breathing

It doesnt matter if you are sent miles away; away from friends, from london, from all that is known and familiar.

Right?

It does, it does!!!! And why am i shopping online for coats when i should be working on this fucking application?! Why, why why?!!!!

I am a fucking idiot! (im sorry delicate ones, but the foul language is necessary to express how frustrating this is!)

This application hurts. and it matters so much, so so much. Papa was right, i do fear change. I am a true ox birth sign, i like stability, the known, the certain.

I hate the future. It's scary, unpredictable and uncertain. What i hate more is that i cannot express myself properly. I am a stuttering idiot! As ditsy and stupid as they come.

I imagine, in an evolutionary kind of picture, i should not have survived past my 10th birthday. Im not designed for surviving this kind of environment. I dont have the right adaptations. I should be dead. I semi-wish i was sometimes. It's so hard and i try and try because the shame of failure is too much but i'm nothing. That sucks and i just hate myself more and try harder and the vicious cycle keeps on going.