Not learning spanish

I came back in rage. Almost in tears.
I was so happy when i left the flat-high from a ridiculous amount of exercise, had given away clothes to C and looking forward to saying, "ola, qe ta?" and getting "ah, muay bien" as a reply.
Except, it was not to be.
I walked in, happily waited my turn to ask the girl at the counter where my class was. It took her fucking 20 minutes to tell me that my class was at another centre. Why not take the tube there-its really near?
Fuck that. If i wanted to go for a class there i would've registered there. I was pissed. I asked her to refund my class fees. She starts faffing about, telling me to come back tomorrow.
Since it was pretty early, i decided,''let's see if i can still make it for the last hour of the class at the other centre.''
Did i mention i hate stupid maps-maps which distort reality, are not relative and doesnt label small roads or show traffic lights and intersections?
Fucking stupid map. I walked for 40 mins then gave up. Coming down from my high, tired and in rage. White hot, illogical rage. I wanted to hurt myself. Scream. Do something.
I came home to whine to A.
He is docile in his approach to me being pissed and gorging on ben and jerry's. He is no help in disapating anger. He recommends theme hospital. I try it. That fucking frustrates me too. Something is fucked in that game.
I try lying down. Only make me feel helpless. So i get up, clean my bed, my table, and then fix my shoes. I patch up the black ones, clean and change the laces for my adidas and fix the heel on my datin shoes. I repainted my battered converse-ques-londsdales: now the room smells of chemicals. Im still not high.
Through the whole shoe fixing thing i listened to linkin park. They are fucking geniuses. No other band captures helplessness, anger and existenial angst and puts it in songs the way they do. I would take a year off whatever i do in this life to be a groupie when they are on tour. I will do their laundry, clean their tour bus, anything. They're probably the only band i would do that for.
Now that shoes are done, i shall start on pbl.
Writing is my catharsis.
Who gives a fuck, i know no one reads it-as long as its out there. It's the potential. Hope is really shit, but it is good shit. Hope is worst than any drug. It keeps you going when you should really give up, it makes you think it'll be better tomorrow-all you need is a bit of hope.
Fuck that.
It'll never happen.
There is no hope.
It's time to give up.
Hope is useless.
GIVE UP.