My hair is dark brown waves floating about my face. I can still smell the sickening salty scent of dead preserved bodies mingled with the smell of my sweat. The occasional raindrop hitting my window, the hum of my radiator, the irregular tap-tap of me typing. My hands stink of formalin and the rubber gloves.

I spent the last hour being miserable and choosing Shins's birthday cake. I walked home in the rain. It's not the cleansing shower that purifies the air and takes your sins and miseries with it as it runs down your face. This is not that. It spits and drips, not making anything wet, just making things damp. There's no fun it spitting rain. The puddles just mess up sneakers, not being deep enough to reallly have fun in. Cant sing and dance-it's merely spitting.

And if i cry, people can still tell im crying.

Been having a bad day. Not disasterous, just emotionally i feel like a wreck. I feel alone and useless. I fear my existance has no meaning. Lost, i cannot anticipate what is going to happen next. I worry that whatever it is, it isnt good. Again i have lost my faith in male-kind ( given, i dont exactly spend my time with the most shining examples of chivalry but i think they represent the masses better than the those amazing people romancenovelist write about ). My intellect is failing me, so is my body. I cannot study and i am getting fatter and more stupid as the days go by.

I know the reason and cause of all this is because im fat and f-ugly. My lack of talent doesnt help either. Charmless, witless, and a bore- im duller than dust. Not particularly intelligent- there's not much about me that would attract or intrigue. I also not flushed- money in my opinion can buy anything (love, adoration and all of the stuff im lacking). Oh, and did i mention i have horrible insides? I dont mean like internal organs, but like my soul. My soul's as f-ugly if not f-uglier that the outside. Its full of evil wants and needs, envy, hatred and anger. There's no redeeming thing about me. I've been missing prayers and started drinking again. Feeling guilty but not enough to make me get back on the straight and narrow. My demons are back-and they want to stay. But im too sensible to let them have free reign. Thus, i become boring. But never prim or unexciting enough to be good. Always searching for the next thrill. And what's more thrilling than breaking the rules? But then, sensibility and guilt kicks in. A horrible vicious circle that leaves me drained and unfullfilled. Guilt-ridden and miserable.

But at the moment im sad because im alone again on 'single's awareness day', i wont be going home to where people love me even though im a fat-f-ugly person, and i feel whatever i do its under appreciated. Oh, and im not doing that great in school either, that weighs on my mind heavy. And i cant construct decent sentences or speak spanish.

Please help me God- because all i can think about is to drown my sorrows in vodka and movies. I know its wrong and bad, but i feel terrible.