This song is today's theme song. Missing those far away and the one i'm yet to meet (my romantic side is taking over, it's S.A.D.(singles awareness day) after all, so let me mush).
I miss having people that love me around. Family (my daddy and bro didnt send me a valentine's this year.....its ok, they're both busy i suppose. Still, i did get Missie the bear and choccies from faiz and a A&W bear from daddy). I miss hugs and cuddles. I miss being kissed and spoiled rotten.
I miss him. Im almost sure he loved me in spite of it all. Im sure i drove him crazy with my demands and antics. I havent changed much, life hasnt changed much, the only thing is he's gone away. I havent called anyone at 3 a.m for a whine and a cry since him. My liquor supplier, my boy when one was needed, my girl when needed, my muse, my fashion guru and editor. The one who had his homework ready for me to copy in the morning. The one who remembered the first time he met me (and no, i didnt make the greatest impression). I loved our phone conversations- me lying on my kitchen floor for hours talking about absolutely nothing. My mother glaring at me as i try to muffle out the curses.
He left a mark in my life. I only hope that i left a decent memory. We still talk, but distance is a terrible barrier, though i think of him often.
Maybe im wrong. We have changed, me and him. That's what people do. Im sure if we talked more, it would all be ok. I could never express myself well in writing anyway-i say more with changes in tone, inflections of voice and the words i use.
I always had a nagging fear he'd love others more than me. Not at all because he made me feel insecure, its because i know everyone is better than me; and so he'd like their company more- im such a jealous freak, even with friends. Im a freak. Yes, im 'fessing up. That's a reason Shazzers never got introduced-he'd so love her more. I couldn't take that. Im already amazingly jealous of her, i couldn't take it if he liked her more than me. Im so psycho, im freaking me out. I cant beat Jacob, and honestly i dont want to-he's like Soulmate. I've never seen him so happy with someone.
So yeah, whenever i think im not loved i just remember that i have friends who loved me (i hope they still do). I love them too, all of them, friends and family- im just really bad at letting it show. Im such a bleeding heart, soppy whiner now, i wonder where my uber bitch side went. Uber bitch side loves them too, just wouldnt whine about it so. Must just be S.A.D. What a fuck-up of a day.
Tomorrow i'll start starving again. Why is for tomorrow. Just let this fucking S.A.D. day end. Im gonna go have tiramisu, so much for drowing sorrows with vodka.
"You're such a sad fuck Liza," says uber bitch
"Shut up biatch, you know im better and good-er. You're not suppose to drink anyway, it's like devil's piss. And being sad is not a bad thing. It give a sense of perspective," retorted Liza
Uber bitch snorts and goes, "you're such a sad little fuck. F-ugly, look where being a decent girl has brought you. You're in your room alone, with a lot to study and known to only your few friends. Where's the fun, glamour and glory in that? You're fading into obscurity honey, for all your decency."
"Well, all this world is impermanent anyway. Its all about living well firstly by God and then by people. You dont wannna end up in hell, do you?" calmly Liza replies
Uber bitch falters slightly. Its hard to argue the Hell Argument. There's no arguing really-there's heaven and hell and in the end, im gonna end up somewhere. "Well, i'm in awe of those who can do that-these amazing women that seem to be able to live by God's rules and still have fun and fulfilling lives. We're lost. We're torn between knowing what is right but wanting what is wrong. Fleshy human desires. We share them. It is part of us. We fight the best we can, but here we are being overwhelmed. Temptation everywhere. Worse, we know how they feel, how much we enjoyed it. We have tasted the forbidden, and guilty as we are, we enjoyed it in that moment. The demon is within and around us. "
Liza looks grim. "I guess we just have to fight it. Each of us will have our own battles and this maybe the way God is judging us. Maybe we need not save the world, raise millions for charity or save lives. Maybe our saving grace is us denying temptation. God's been merciful, and you dont know how long its gonna last."
"I dont how to reply. All you're saying is true. I've heard it all before. And still, the demons in me are so seductive with their false promises. I dont know why i think i'll be happier drunk and on drugs. I dont know why i think having men fall over my feet will make my life become more meaningful. I dont understand why i imagine my life would be more fulfilling as a free hippie instead of a doctor. Why do i think having everyone envying me will make me a better person? " say uber bitch, shrugging her shoulders.
"Well, that what the devil does. That's its purpose. And we have ours, and you know what that is. It was so easy wasnt it, when everyone was good too. I almost believed we could be that good always. But here, its terrible. We broke all the rules. All. Apart from that we forgotten our responsibilities," says Liza, shaking her bowed head.
"At least we know what's right. Guilt sucks. I remember the time we did all our crap without an ounce of guilt. But now guilt plagues us. We might leave our responsibilities behind and go wild, but guilt is a shadow-, sometimes forgotten, but always there, dark and foreboding under the bright light of retrospection," mulled uber bitch.
"So?" asked Liza, with raised eyebrows.
Uber bitch looks almost sad as she says, "I dont know. I almost feel like we have already given in and are too far lost. I am tempted to tell us to just go out and go wild then repent. I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be, but............."
"Isnt easier to decide now and stick by our guns. Be principled for once. For all your bitchiness you lack a spine," Liza barks back.
"We're indecisive, and you know that," says uber bitch, sounding even sadder
"Till when? We're gonna have this argument everytime. Each time. And sometimes we'll win, we'll do the right thing. But then, i pray rarely, the demons win. And we lose. When they win we always lose. Dont you realize that?" Liza says. For harsh words, her tone is gentle, pleading. She continues, " perhaps one day we'll live by principles, and be done with all this questioning, arguing the obvious."
Liza gives uber bitch a hug. They're one and the same in the end. Just different personalities, wanting different things in this life, but really just looking for happiness, redemption and God's grace.
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