The pink kebaya

My pink kebaya is beautiful. I love the embroidery of lighter and darker pink on the sheer pink material. I've had it for a year now and im yet to wear it. It's due to the simple reason i cant fit into it.

Since last year, not much has changed. Im still obese, im still depressed, i'm still terrible at what i do and i still cant fit the kebaya.

My valiant efforts at dieting really isnt making a dent in my waistline. My attempts at exercising just gives me painful knees and a hefty gym bill. I'm yet able to afford surgery or induce spontaneous anorexia.

When i look in the mirror i usually dont hate the way i look. I'll think, "oh, my tummy hangs out a bit, gosh....." then i put some clothes on and it's over. If i lived the life of a hikikomori (wikipedia elaborates here) i'd be alright. Not necessarily happy, but content with my image. It's when i compare myself to other girls i get distressed. My friends are mostly slim- one girl has managed in the past year to diet herself down to a bobble-headded beauty. She looks fantastic in clothes- when she dresses up now, her body looks amazing.

Back to me. When i buy clothes and try them on, i realize i don't look like what people are suppose to look like. My proportions are all wrong. I get fooled because of the easy availability of larger clothes here in the uk. Back home i just looked frumpy because there was nothing to wear- wearing men's clothes and trying to look cool was a coping mechanism to the lack of feminine clothes for fat people. Here i manage to dress feminine because clothes are available- however because of my shape delusion i opt for styles more suitable for my slimmer counterparts and thus look awkward.

Is my fatness central to my social inclusion and deep psychiatric/psychological issues? Most probably yes, but to what degree, i cannot say. I cannot blame the fat for all my problems any more than i can blame my mother for giving birth to a fat baby that stayed fat.

How does the pink kebaya factor in? I desperately want to wear it and look fabulous in it.