I spent nearly 200 pounds in two weeks.
Reckless shopping and dining to be blamed.
So bad that i went into a negative balance (less than 24 hours, only 22 quid)- guess i have to go have a nice little chat with my bank manager again......
had to pay a pound for 10 minutes of internet at the airport to fix that (sucking my savings dry!)
But yeah, im heading home to malaysia. At stansted now. Had to use emergency credit card to buy train tickets to airport, it was pure desperation!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
If i dont wake up tomorrow
It's probably an extra-dural hematoma, compressing my brainstem.
I managed to bash my head against another persons head while i was cleaning the floor at kendo practice.
I had good speed, going steady and *bam* my head made contact with someone else's head going at full speed.
*Itai!*
I kinda fell over sideways- i loss my balance and i was in pain. I asked her how she was- she was more concerned about me. I told her i was I fine, but the truth is it bloody hurt. i still have the headache. And a sore spot on the top of my head.
To make it worse i had to don full, freaking armour.
Squeeze my head/face into a helmet that kinda smells and restricts movements. Plus the grills conveniently goes across my eyes and blocks out any peripheral version. It also covers my ears so i cant hear people speak.
Wearing this allowed people to hit me back- which hurt my ego more that anything else. I felt claustrophobic and hot. It is terrible. I bet i looked as uncomfortable as i felt.
I can't believe people fight in this.
I managed to bash my head against another persons head while i was cleaning the floor at kendo practice.
I had good speed, going steady and *bam* my head made contact with someone else's head going at full speed.
*Itai!*
I kinda fell over sideways- i loss my balance and i was in pain. I asked her how she was- she was more concerned about me. I told her i was I fine, but the truth is it bloody hurt. i still have the headache. And a sore spot on the top of my head.
To make it worse i had to don full, freaking armour.
Squeeze my head/face into a helmet that kinda smells and restricts movements. Plus the grills conveniently goes across my eyes and blocks out any peripheral version. It also covers my ears so i cant hear people speak.
Wearing this allowed people to hit me back- which hurt my ego more that anything else. I felt claustrophobic and hot. It is terrible. I bet i looked as uncomfortable as i felt.
I can't believe people fight in this.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
CSS - Alala
This song has been playing on my ipod, in the computer, in my head when im asleep.....
Fighting in poufy 80's dresses, gotta love it.
Lovefoxxx (the lead singer) is too cute.
Alala, alala!
Little note: keep eyes out for my yellow ghetto blaster bag. I was thinking of a mini boombox, but decided to go bigger!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Rabu yang panas
I nearly had a panic attack today. Working in that hot library, the air felt still and heavy. CSS pounded through my headphones and i did the techno rock eighties jerk at random points of the day when i couldn't suppress the need any longer.
Had a good/short workout later and feeling a lot calmer. I almost feel a compulsion to play "Alala" and "Rat is Dead (Rage)" but i know it's just make me do the myoclonic jerks as im sitting here, trying to compose my essay on killing babies.
By the way, in much need of a hug. If you see me, surprise me with one.
"alala, alala
give me 3 wishes"
"i know, i know, i know, i know
he will never hurt you again
rat is dead"
Had a good/short workout later and feeling a lot calmer. I almost feel a compulsion to play "Alala" and "Rat is Dead (Rage)" but i know it's just make me do the myoclonic jerks as im sitting here, trying to compose my essay on killing babies.
By the way, in much need of a hug. If you see me, surprise me with one.
"alala, alala
give me 3 wishes"
"i know, i know, i know, i know
he will never hurt you again
rat is dead"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sundays
It feels like a sunday afternoon.
It's peaceful and quiet. Im on my own and itunes are picking slow, quiet, contemplative songs.
It feels like the end of an era. I want to cry, but i dont know why. There's so much to do, yet i dont have the will.
I have this feeling of foreboding, that things will never be the same past today. Like today is the slow ascent of a rollercoaster before i plummet to the melee below. Im scared of tomorrows, of the rest of my life. i dont know what's coming next.
I am a mess. It's only tuesday. Im only 24 years and 22 days old.
It's peaceful and quiet. Im on my own and itunes are picking slow, quiet, contemplative songs.
It feels like the end of an era. I want to cry, but i dont know why. There's so much to do, yet i dont have the will.
I have this feeling of foreboding, that things will never be the same past today. Like today is the slow ascent of a rollercoaster before i plummet to the melee below. Im scared of tomorrows, of the rest of my life. i dont know what's coming next.
I am a mess. It's only tuesday. Im only 24 years and 22 days old.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I love personality tests, don't you?
Iman suggested (tagged me on facebook) this one. A nugget of truth, here and there. Very interesting/weird/how does that reflect my personality?! questions. Take it here
My results:
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them. (I sure hope so............)
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. (That so does not answer the question)
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person. (Woah.....totally off the mark. I wouldn't know my soulmate if he serenades outside my window, i'll just lob him with a coffee mug and tell him to shut up)
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (Straightforwardness? Plenty of dates? Sensible tactics? What tactics?! I might be old, but i am so unskilled at the seduction thing)
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. (I concur)
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (Sad, but true. I am practical. I get it from my mother)
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (On the mark! I should be braver)
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you. (hmmmmm.......i have to ponder this one)
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. (Maybe when i finally grow up. In mimi's wise words; growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional. )
My results:
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them. (I sure hope so............)
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. (That so does not answer the question)
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person. (Woah.....totally off the mark. I wouldn't know my soulmate if he serenades outside my window, i'll just lob him with a coffee mug and tell him to shut up)
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (Straightforwardness? Plenty of dates? Sensible tactics? What tactics?! I might be old, but i am so unskilled at the seduction thing)
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. (I concur)
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (Sad, but true. I am practical. I get it from my mother)
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (On the mark! I should be braver)
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you. (hmmmmm.......i have to ponder this one)
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. (Maybe when i finally grow up. In mimi's wise words; growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional. )
Saturday, March 14, 2009
St. Vincent - Marry Me
i love waking up in that living room. I hope they never move. It's full of light, even if it's cloudy outside.
Post-drinking binge it's wonderful.
I wake to the smell of toast and the sound of the kettle boiling. There's a cuppa waiting for me; milk and sugar please. Early morning conversation, more plans for tonight?! Listening to Tragic Kingdom and Fall Out Boy while still in yesterday's jeans and top.
Since i left a toothbrush here- it's perfect! I can walk down the road to catch the bus home with clean teeth. Clean teeth is wonderful too, like light, warm hoodies and good-lookin' boys named John.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mini-epiphany
I just found out that i barely scraped through my last exams. There is a paper tomorrow and im bloody scared that i wont pass.
Im not even sure how many questions they'll be tomorrow.
At least i know it's on psychiatry and neurology.
There's still a few hours to the exam yet, cramming time it is.
Im not even sure how many questions they'll be tomorrow.
At least i know it's on psychiatry and neurology.
There's still a few hours to the exam yet, cramming time it is.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My bicycle was stolen
I left her outside for about 1.5 hours. And when i went down to get her later, she was gone. I parked her outside my building, tied to a parking pole. It was noon, and i was excited because my new clothes had just arrived.I locked her, im pretty sure, unless the lock didnt click in properly.
It hurts. I was so confident i was gonna have her forever. Im so dependent on her it's scary- i ride her everywhere now, especially since i live so far away. And i know i lost her due to my own carelessness.
Im spooked too- im not gonna be able to park any bike without worrying about it being stolen. I have been a victim of crime.
I have to get those MARA claims through, i need the money for the bike and kendo armour (mom, i promise this is not a phase....i'll try and make it last longer than rowing.)
The Apology Song by the Decemberists
-about losing a bike. Almost the same situation as i lost mine.
I've bummed a bike off a friend for awhile, but i'll miss you Chloe.
It hurts. I was so confident i was gonna have her forever. Im so dependent on her it's scary- i ride her everywhere now, especially since i live so far away. And i know i lost her due to my own carelessness.
Im spooked too- im not gonna be able to park any bike without worrying about it being stolen. I have been a victim of crime.
I have to get those MARA claims through, i need the money for the bike and kendo armour (mom, i promise this is not a phase....i'll try and make it last longer than rowing.)
The Apology Song by the Decemberists
-about losing a bike. Almost the same situation as i lost mine.
I've bummed a bike off a friend for awhile, but i'll miss you Chloe.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Four posts, one day, five songs.
I've been thinking about Kendo a lot. How great it is and how i really am not designed to do Kendo. And how i suck, no matter what sensei-with-cute-kid or ginger-sensei says. I am also thinking about going for tuesday practise at the gym.
I feel much better after eating and having a short but proper workout. A good ergo feels so good, even if it was just 10 minutes. I made 2 km and it was smooth, sustained at the end, with a little hiccup in the beginning.
My sick body was not quite able to deal with the fasting today, but that's a day struck off my the fasts i owe. I'll give tomorrow a break and maybe try thursday.
Im still fugly and i still dont like myself, but biochemically my brain is releasing tonnes of chemicals that make me take it a lot better. I get runner's high. If im short of drugs/booze/glue/cigarettes all i need is to go get some exercise. Funny how i still haven't gotten addicted to exercise yet.
I've made nasi lemak and i have sambal sotong, but i feel guilty to eat. I've gained a kilo according to the gym's scale, and those scale are the TRUTH. I might have a little bit. Just a little bit.
I feel much better after eating and having a short but proper workout. A good ergo feels so good, even if it was just 10 minutes. I made 2 km and it was smooth, sustained at the end, with a little hiccup in the beginning.
My sick body was not quite able to deal with the fasting today, but that's a day struck off my the fasts i owe. I'll give tomorrow a break and maybe try thursday.
Im still fugly and i still dont like myself, but biochemically my brain is releasing tonnes of chemicals that make me take it a lot better. I get runner's high. If im short of drugs/booze/glue/cigarettes all i need is to go get some exercise. Funny how i still haven't gotten addicted to exercise yet.
I've made nasi lemak and i have sambal sotong, but i feel guilty to eat. I've gained a kilo according to the gym's scale, and those scale are the TRUTH. I might have a little bit. Just a little bit.
Summer of 88- Velveteen
For about 6 months i have had this song as long division by death cab for cutie in my itunes.
You could've imagined my surprise when long division sounded different when dcfc played at brixton.
Did some research today, and woah, i was duped. It's a band called Velveteen from Germany and the song is titled summer of 88.
Still love this song though.
By the way, i still feel like shit, physically cos i have laryngitis and emotionally cos im fugly and useless.
The real long division, with dcfc singing it:
I wake feeling fat and ugly
I look terrible first thing in the morning.
It take me ages to get outta bed, like an hour of shutting up constant alarms, convincing myself i do wanna get outta bed now. Sleeping less is near impossible with me.
But waking up feeling fat and ugly is not a great way to start. Hair everywhere, puffy-puffy face all pale and crater-full. I hate my physical appearance. I hate the way i speak, the way i write, the way i feel. I hate being me. I wish i could be someone else all the time. I did try but it didnt stick.
Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel doesnt help either, especially if you're not comely. I know no one will come save me and im sick and tired of trying so hard. So tired. What is it all for? Why do i do it? Primp and prune, slap loads of cream on my face, goddamned so called "beauty rituals" that dont work on the ugly? Why do i try exercise, work hard, pay money for the gym when i know i'll be fat forever because i must have pissed off someone, somewhere and this is the worst punishment you can have as a woman living in a developed country in the 21st century. It is a curse. Im not even smart enough to say that is a compensation for the fugly.
OK, i have to get back to work. I will feel better later in the day because this is depression, plain and simple. Except no one is convinced because i "function" OK. Just OK, not brilliant, just OK. No fluoxetine for you if you are functional. Nope- just get on with it.
It take me ages to get outta bed, like an hour of shutting up constant alarms, convincing myself i do wanna get outta bed now. Sleeping less is near impossible with me.
But waking up feeling fat and ugly is not a great way to start. Hair everywhere, puffy-puffy face all pale and crater-full. I hate my physical appearance. I hate the way i speak, the way i write, the way i feel. I hate being me. I wish i could be someone else all the time. I did try but it didnt stick.
Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel doesnt help either, especially if you're not comely. I know no one will come save me and im sick and tired of trying so hard. So tired. What is it all for? Why do i do it? Primp and prune, slap loads of cream on my face, goddamned so called "beauty rituals" that dont work on the ugly? Why do i try exercise, work hard, pay money for the gym when i know i'll be fat forever because i must have pissed off someone, somewhere and this is the worst punishment you can have as a woman living in a developed country in the 21st century. It is a curse. Im not even smart enough to say that is a compensation for the fugly.
OK, i have to get back to work. I will feel better later in the day because this is depression, plain and simple. Except no one is convinced because i "function" OK. Just OK, not brilliant, just OK. No fluoxetine for you if you are functional. Nope- just get on with it.
Full moon and a purple spicy bath
Im still in my towel, post purple bath. It's a full moon outside, round and radiant. Im picking out bits of aniseed and currants outta my hair- dont ask, just buy Lush.
I forgot how much i love Lush. Thanks Kikie for my birthday present- which is a lovely selection of relaxing bath bits from Lush. This purple bath was to purify, clear my head a little and for me to settle my nerves. A little over-medicated again. :( [Ka-chan, don't be angry please- you must try to understand].
I will settle back to work again, right after i put some clothes on. Sleeping naked is fine, but working naked is a wee bit much.
I forgot how much i love Lush. Thanks Kikie for my birthday present- which is a lovely selection of relaxing bath bits from Lush. This purple bath was to purify, clear my head a little and for me to settle my nerves. A little over-medicated again. :( [Ka-chan, don't be angry please- you must try to understand].
I will settle back to work again, right after i put some clothes on. Sleeping naked is fine, but working naked is a wee bit much.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
City and colour - Waiting
I succeeded in wasting last week- the bloody essay is not even started and my plastic watch strap is giving me contact dermatitis (i.e red scaly patches on my wrists).
So here are my expectations:
To read all of neuro and psych by thursday (exam is friday morning)
To have all my points for my compare and contrast essay (it is 8000 bloody words)
To gym everyday (i just watched run lola run and hell, running is essential to life, like swimming and cycling- i'll be gentle with myself, it's a slowly but surely process)
Get back on my 6 mini-meals a day program.
Get cracking on that fresher guide (at least the phone/bank bit)
Sleep less. Just this week. Just this week.
Stop lying to yourself Lizzie. It's not gonna get better, you're not gonna do it later, stop kidding yourself.
It all boils down to procrastination. Everything that goes wrong with your life is because you're to fucking scared/lazy to fix it now.
There is no later, no tomorrows.
Everything takes time and it has to start now, now now!
So say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
City and Colour - The Girl Music Video
Heart-ness!
Beautiful song! Love how there's two versions- both acoustic, but one is with the full band and the first just him and his guitar. That voice is just perfect. Sweet, clear with a touch of huski-ness. Owh, i just wanna cry at how pretty the song and his voice is.
The full band bit is cheerful, belies the deeper lyrics. I like the first bit more than the second bit but i bob to the second bit- it would feature in eliza's indie disco, right at the end of the night.
Oh, what is a closet romantic optimist to do?
Play out a romantic situations with people i know in it. I'd like to think that this would be a perfect song for him to sing to her. I have romantic notions for everyone- yes, i make little romantic dramas outta all of your lives.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Being 24
In spite of the hi-jinks on friday and my bruised budget, my plan for week-long celebrations have gone well.
I dont feel any different, but i contrast this year's "let's just party" attitude to my state of mind when i turned 20.
A little more mid-twenties, but i'll manage. I will be me, personality is kinda set when you're like 10 or something. So what if im a bumbling mess who says the wrong things and looks like a butch gypsy (on bad days)? (that's in reference to today's disaster outfit of a gypsy blue dress, spotty shirt, ripped cardigan, black leggings, combat boots and my refugee scarf plus a massive brown shoulder bag- hah, polyvore that!)
Disaster 2/3/09 - by liezy on Polyvore.com
As long as there are people who will be my friends, i'll be ok. I should stop pushing people away and stop fearing people hating me.
woah, maturity is scary....
I dont feel any different, but i contrast this year's "let's just party" attitude to my state of mind when i turned 20.
A little more mid-twenties, but i'll manage. I will be me, personality is kinda set when you're like 10 or something. So what if im a bumbling mess who says the wrong things and looks like a butch gypsy (on bad days)? (that's in reference to today's disaster outfit of a gypsy blue dress, spotty shirt, ripped cardigan, black leggings, combat boots and my refugee scarf plus a massive brown shoulder bag- hah, polyvore that!)
Disaster 2/3/09 - by liezy on Polyvore.com
As long as there are people who will be my friends, i'll be ok. I should stop pushing people away and stop fearing people hating me.
woah, maturity is scary....
It was fun then
but not so now.
Hell, getting pissed at my own party was not such a good idea.
The pictures are out. In one i looked absolutely miserable. I wasn't miserable at all, i can tell you that.
Im not sure if i should apologize. I was loud, inappropriate and sometimes plain mean. Owh, my poor guests.
The shame.
I'll make a point not to do that again. Not at my own party anyway. Hosts should always be gracious and attentive to her guests. No blabbering away, spilling drinks all over herself and rolling on the floor.
live and learn lizzie. Live and learn.
24's not feeling too bad. It starts tomorrow; i mean, today.
Hell, getting pissed at my own party was not such a good idea.
The pictures are out. In one i looked absolutely miserable. I wasn't miserable at all, i can tell you that.
Im not sure if i should apologize. I was loud, inappropriate and sometimes plain mean. Owh, my poor guests.
The shame.
I'll make a point not to do that again. Not at my own party anyway. Hosts should always be gracious and attentive to her guests. No blabbering away, spilling drinks all over herself and rolling on the floor.
live and learn lizzie. Live and learn.
24's not feeling too bad. It starts tomorrow; i mean, today.
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