I wake feeling fat and ugly

I look terrible first thing in the morning.

It take me ages to get outta bed, like an hour of shutting up constant alarms, convincing myself i do wanna get outta bed now. Sleeping less is near impossible with me.



But waking up feeling fat and ugly is not a great way to start. Hair everywhere, puffy-puffy face all pale and crater-full. I hate my physical appearance. I hate the way i speak, the way i write, the way i feel. I hate being me. I wish i could be someone else all the time. I did try but it didnt stick.

Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel doesnt help either, especially if you're not comely. I know no one will come save me and im sick and tired of trying so hard. So tired. What is it all for? Why do i do it? Primp and prune, slap loads of cream on my face, goddamned so called "beauty rituals" that dont work on the ugly? Why do i try exercise, work hard, pay money for the gym when i know i'll be fat forever because i must have pissed off someone, somewhere and this is the worst punishment you can have as a woman living in a developed country in the 21st century. It is a curse. Im not even smart enough to say that is a compensation for the fugly.

OK, i have to get back to work. I will feel better later in the day because this is depression, plain and simple. Except no one is convinced because i "function" OK. Just OK, not brilliant, just OK. No fluoxetine for you if you are functional. Nope- just get on with it.