Im gonna try the weight loss thing again

(Nangka)




pokok cengal

sleep tonight

to forget the failing grade
the shame of ignorance
and bad tenses

in spite of clothes everywhere
dirty dishes stacked
and insane mess

Why I'm not ready to have a boy

My phone bill is forty quid this month. Im appalled- it's never ever been this high.
I blame in on one person, my new boy. We'll talk on the phone for awhile (never too long, i get hot-ear syndrome) but i guess because it's everyday....

I've zero-ed out my minutes and left with 6 free text.
And a forty quid bill. I guess this month's savings will be a little less.

And my new boy is not really my boy. He's a really good friend im taking care of at the moment. He's a handful and a headache- the fusion of a petulant child and a shopaholic queen. Something like this, just with more attitude and less lassitude (and sans dove- he'd strangle it first cos it'd get feathers on his nice woollen sweater that costs more than the aforementioned phone bill).(truth be told, he looks nothing like this but this is the closest to vanity + petulant +pretty + skinny boy i could find)

But still, we have a good time out, although im usually left bewildered and just a little sad that he can never be just happy.

Happy to splash about in puddles, happy just to be out with me, happy just to be alive.

I'm very mum-like when it comes to him. Someone has to drum some sense into the boy- though like most mums i just want him to be happy.

I've gotta cut down on the crazy phone calls next month. No more mollycoddling.

Raya

Raya in london has lost it's luster.

Living away from the Malaysians has made the celebrations less festive, less kepoh, much less exciting. Raya never meant much to me personally anyway. It was always about other people- inviting people to open house, visiting people's open houses, watching god-awful reruns of maria mariana or tragedi october and the really depressing raya songs (or the very ceria ones i could never connect to).

raya when i was a kid was always about work- i had to peel onions and shallots till my hands reeked of them. The smell of shallots on my hands brings me back to my childhood of sitting on the kitchen floor with the basin full of onions, wondering if i'll ever manage to peel them all. There was the time mom used to make serunding- even dad got roped in to help shred the chunks of beef into fine floss.

baju raya was always something to celebrate, although i always thought i didnt look as pretty as the other girls. But then it wouldnt matter much because i'll be stuck in the kitchen for the most part- serving drinks and doing dishes. Last wednesday at my aunt's place, i had such a sense of nostalgia washing dishes in my baju kurung. It was a flash back to 10 years ago, when i'd be doing the exact same thing at home.

I hated raya because of the work. I couldn't appreciate seeing family, sitting down to eat the 6th bowl of nasi impit and kuah kacang of the day. In the end, it's about people. Seeing and chatting with people i sometimes meet only once a year. It's really sad that some of my favorite older relatives have passed away and most of my memories of them was of when i was a child.

Celebrations this year fell flat- i got the day of raya wrong, so i spent the day on firms, super-busy. The next day started out awful and i got caught up in a designer shopping spree, feeling terribly out of place. Dinner at aunt's later made everything better- it felt homey.

My old housemates (the Malaysians) did a raya bash on friday- i was invited as a guest and was told to just come by, to not bother making anything. As if living away wasnt bad enough, now they were treating me like an outsider, a guest. It stung a little- i enjoyed the big raya parties we use to hold every year (i whinged about it, but actually, i really enjoyed the insanity of a big massive cookout). I came in work clothes, looking a bit worse for wear when lo behold, the former man i was obsessed with was there. This year i managed to actually salam him and say 'selamat hari raya'. I know im no longer obsessed because i would have frozen and then swooned if this happened 2 years ago.

The MSD party today was alright. I feel so old- lots of my old friends are no longer around, they've all graduated and moved on. There was the odd person i knew and people i recognized, but somehow, it's just not festive. One of my company today was decidedly uncomfortable and unhappy (except the bowl of lodeh made his day), but he's never that happy when he's with me anyway, so i told myself to not take it to heart. Food was very good though and i wolfed down a fair bit. I didnt even take that many photos- didnt feel too pretty today.

So that's the end of my raya whine. I will have a raya do, probably in 2 weeks time before i leave for the coast. Lots of people want check out the new place and there are people that i haven't seen yet. It'll be a mission, cooking all that by myself, but hey, i always survive and still throw a decent party.

Im so (insert a feeling here) i wish i could die

It's one of those weekends
Where things just go wrong from the morning
And there's no one to blame but myself

I know going to bed will not fix anything
but at least it's warm

how do you know something is right

how do you decide if something is right?

Is it a gut feeling 

or something that properly thought out, planned, logical and makes sense?

I dont want to pursue something that will waste my time

But im wasting time doing nothing

So how do i decide?

Is it a serendipity, fate, luck

or think, ponder, analyze?

On a different note:

Baz is bad for me. 

He makes me want a Bottega Vanneta clutch and a Chanel 2.55. 

My justification is that it's an investment- my granddaughters will love me for it. 

Raya sucked. I felt alone, unloved, fat and ugly (when did i ever felt slim and beautiful?)

It picked up later in the day somewhat- at least i can still laugh at the irony of the situation. 

I realize i giggle to cover my nervousness and any feelings of insecurity. 

Im so insincere, i lack politeness and decorum- it bothers me. My shyness makes me meek, but i lack politeness and sincere caring. 

Sorry, i was off on a tangent. A little self hate goes a long way. 

Listening to Placebo doesnt help. 

But the pain is feels so good sometime. 

Hurt me just a little bit more.

Tagged

I was tagged ages ago by Izy (24th June to be exact). 

I decided to do this tag thing now because there's a tonne of other stuff to do, but i like a distraction. Especially one in Malay (now that's gonna be a challenge)

Jom kita mulakan!

1. 7 fakta mengenai saya

    - saya perempuan

    - saya sangat gemuk (hampir tahap obese)

    - saya mewarnai rambut saya warna hitam

    - saya suka berdolak dalih 

    - saya suka membazirkan masa

    - saya selalu menagguh kerja 

    - saya suka makan

2. 7 perkara yang menakutkan saya

    - akan berseorangan selama-lamanya

    - kematian orang yang disayangi

    - menjadi seorang yang membosankan

    - tikus

    - akan masuk neraka

    - mengecewakan harapan ibu-bapa dan keluarga

    - kehilangan mana-mana deria

3. 7 lagu buat masa sekarang yang diminati

    - hujan- skandal

    - sufjan stevens- lakes of canada (this song can change your life)

    - metro station- shake it

    - pussycat dolls- when i grow up

    - neutral milk hotel- oh comely

    - sufjan stevens- for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti

    - peter sarstedt- where do you go my lovely

4. 7 perkara saya selalu sebut

    - yup

    - ok

    - nevermind

    - im so fat now

    - it's fine

    - i'll diet

    - i'll do it tomorrow

5. 7 perkara amat bernilai kepada saya

    - keluarga

    - rakan-rakan

    - deria-deria

    - external hard disk

    - laptop

    - kotak penuh dengan surat-surat dan kad lama 

    - barangan kemas 

6. 7 pertama kali dalam hidup (yang kiranya penting)

    - kali pertama merasai escargot

    - kali pertama mabuk

    - kali pertama mencederakan diri sendiri

    - kali pertama melancong seorang diri

    - kali pertama masak kuah kacang

    - rokok pertama

    - pertama kali tersalah ambil darah pesakit

7. 7 orang saya mahu tag

    - aaron

    - zul

    - rama-chan (boleh buat entry...dah lama kita semua tunggu entry baru)

    - wenxian (rindu awak tau.....)

    - elias

    - baz

    - helen

Done with tagging. Now back to work!

   

need sleep

the joke is that i wanna become the samurai/ninja surgeon who shirunkens my patients bits accurately and live off 4 hours sleep. 

Since that is unlikely, im gonna sleep now.

zzzzzzzzz

later.....

i meant shuriken. And to be fair, kiki suggested it, not me. She said it'll be an interesting way to make the initial incision. I just wanted to survive on little sleep. Didnt happen, slept till two  in the afternoon and felt mighty guilty about it

Unhappy

London can be lonely. When there's no one who knows you or understands what you're trying to say. They mean well with their platitudes and well-planned distractions; but late at night there's something missing and it's not enough.

Lying there staring into space the darkness creeps in, like a black hole, taking every bit of feeling with it. Within it nothing exists, no mass and i feel the same. 

I cant take it away, im not what you need. I try but it's not enough and im sorry. Im not it, i dont know how to be and you wont let me. Dont depend on me because i will let you down; make your happiness your own my love, because people are unreliable. 

Chest drains

Momma had a massive pneumothorax and i missed it.

Basically, her lung collapsed. It's a pretty bad thing and you need to have minor surgery to correct it, but it isn't life threatening. It must have been progressing slowly; i missed it when i called her on sunday. She'd been complaining of a dry cough and some chest pain. They picked it up at the GPs 3 days later.

The chest drain is in, she's in a little pain, but it'll clear up in a few days. She sounds alright. They say she can go home friday.

new place

Im sure the big guy's smirking

Being deaf as post from years of headphone misuse, i have a tendency to mis-hear lyrics to songs and end up making up my own which usually sound fairly similar to what's being sung. I sing it loud and proud with the wrong lyrics, although i get embarrassed when i get corrected. 

Most of the time i like my versions better. 

Sometimes i wonder if God's watching me and laughing at my pathetic attempts at change. I force myself to take small risks, make minor changes, just to see if it'll make a difference. A difference to what end im not sure, but for simplicity's sake let's say a difference to my destiny, the lifepath, my fate. 

I like the idea of reincarnation, the only problem is that it doesnt fit in the islamic faith model.  All im getting is a single attempt, one run and supposed to get it right the first time. Im a slow learner, therein lies my problem. 

I actually just wanted to say that im thinking of doing Kendo.  Im not sure if it's a good idea, if it is worth doing or why im even doing it. There's a famous quote somewhere that kinda goes "above all, be true to yourself". I think it's Hamlet. So, the truth is:

-i imagine i wont get anywhere with rowing

-i think kendo is cool (it's juvenile, but mentally i've not matured since 15)

-i'm in a japanese phase at the moment

-it's new and people in the team are nice

Worries:

-it's hard and im not fit

-there's lotsa equipment i need to get

-that i'll go nowhere with it, like rowing (i was so optimistic in the beginning)

-there's very few girls in the team

i think im gonna go with kendo, just because i went last week and told this nice girl i'll see her next week. Also, i have nothing better to do on a monday evening so why not mess about with heavy bamboo sticks?

oddly, this was inspired by the song  about rowing on the lakes of canada. 

My favorite, wrongly worded lines from the song:

look for me another day

i feel that i could change

oh laughing man

what have you done

dont tell me what cannot be done

my little heart

my winter lungs

dont tell me what cannot be done

Ah, i remember

He he, im only just sending my exam results to my sponsors. I got the lowest mark ever last year for my practical paper. Ouch. Still, passing means i get money to buy books (or go skiing). 

I found the brass tag to my old room key and shazzer's spare locker key in my miniature chest of drawers, bundled in with sewing thread, needles and buttons. 

Damn i miss having her around. 

moving in

finally i can see the floor. I managed to arrange and stuff other things into boxes, drawers or under the bed. 

Some semblance of order. Only now i have clothes drying everywhere, and i dont know where to hide my hats. 

Seeing the floor is good enough for today. 

Quote of the day

Courtesy of anime:

*Bishounen are this country's (Japan's) treasure!*

Bishounen are beautiful boys, the kind that look a little androgynous, with fine bone stucture and look  good enough to eat. 

thought of the day

Kuaci is not much fun alone.

I found this at a friend's blog

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

by Helen Hays in Roy Newquist

Back in london

And writing again. 

I didn't write when i was home because i didn't have to. There were friends and family. Even my mother is good enough company, better company than myself. Now im a little lonely and a little sad. It's a large dose of homesickness and a dash of change. The move was a bad idea on many parts. Moving was a bloody mission- i thank a certain skinny but strong boy and another lovely friend for Herculean effort. I've met and talked to only one of the girls here- she's lovely, but on a kindredship level, there's very little. There 2 others, one i've said hello to, and another i've not met. Maybe it's me, hiding out in my room. I miss my old housemates, i miss the comfort of having people who know me around me. I don't deal with change well, i dont deal with certain people well. But that's another blog entry. 

I took the blog offline for awhile because i didnt like where it was going. 

It's not just the blog, I don't like myself as a person and the person im becoming. 

Im still looking for home. If you find it, can you tell me?

Later in the day:

I met the other girl. She lives next to me and she's a bloody light sleeper. I woke her yesterday while puttering about from the loo and back. We have noisy doors. She's in her final year too.  I wonder who i offended to deserve this. 

Neuroses

I blame my neuroses on my fucking neurotic crazy family. 

It's not my fault, i have to live with this shit. Now i realize why i left and have a residual reluctance go stay home. 

They project the worst of themselves unto me. I realize again now why i hate them. 

Ugh. Im should've picked an earlier flight. 

Stomach bug

i have a tummy flu.

I was awfully ill yesterday with extreme lethargy, the runs and excruciating tummy cramps. 

i still have a headache and my food isnt sitting well in my tummy, even if i am hungry. im glad for the nothing to do- the down time is nice. 

I'm still a bit lost with maccy-baby, who's the new laptop. It's annoying, but im being patient. 

japan

In all my Japan photos i manage to look like a deranged, fat flamenco dancer. Add Japan's midsummer heat wave i look like a melting deranged, fat flamenco dancer.

I dont know what to say about this trip. Too much happened and not nearly enough sleep. I can't even begin to analyze how i felt and what i thought. The people i met were fantastic (kindredship abound) but i cant say the same about Japan asa country.

It fascinates, it astonishes, but i don't feel welcome. Im not sure if im the inside or outside the goldfish bowl.