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i dont know how i'll be able to do this job

Today was medicine in society- we go to hospital to talk to patients about their experience of disease, not about the disease itself. I’m in care of the elderly for this year and today’s visit has made me real sad. There was this old man we talked to that reminded me so much of my granddad. I miss him so much. He passed away when I was 19 and till today I still feel guilty about not being there when he passed away. He asked to see us, my brother and me, and we weren’t there. We were in the car, rushing to the hospital.

He spoilt me as a child- I remember still riding in the basket if the motorcycle to go to the shop for snacks. He placed a lot of importance in education- he wasn’t what you’d call highly educated, but he kept up with the news and read the Quran everyday. He was my family’s religious cornerstone. He’d say a special prayer for us every time we were ill or had an exam. Atuk was sharp and observant up to the end. He never forgot names or directions. He’d always tell us to work hard in school- that was one of the things he told my mom to tell us at the end. I remembered how happy he’d be when I told him of the A’s I got in exams- he’d actually cheer and whoop. He was so proud to know I went to college and wanted to do medicine. It’s a shame that he didn’t get to see me go to university.

Im crying as I write this- I miss his enthusiasm, his optimism and his belief in my ability. I miss atuk’s jokes and roaring laughter. How his white beard (I remember it as always being white) would tickle my cheek as I gave him a kiss. He would have loved the postcards that I send to grandma from the places I visit.

Atuk’s memory reminds me why I’m doing this and why it’s worth it. I hope he’ll be proud.

From Frank Turner's The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Everybody's got themselves a plan
Everybody thinks they'll be the man
Including the girls.
-
None of this is going anywhere,
Pretty soon we'll all be old
And no one left will really care
About our glory days, when we sold our souls

But if you're all about the destination
Then take a fucking flight
We're going nowhere slowly
But we're seeing all the sights
And we're definately going to hell
But we'll have all the best stories to tell

Curious?

Happy 22nd Birthday Liez!!

Im twenty-two today. At about 5.05 pm actually. Had two cakes, friends singing, a candle and learnt mahjong. All in a day.

My package from Amazon arrived- i'm listening to the great sound of Frank Turner....this guy is great. I can connect with his music and his lyrics at an emotional level- a kinda deep insightful wisdom into the everyday things that happen in life. He sounds folksy too.....Love it...

I got my Spanish book and CD. Now i learn on my own time! Hopefully...........

At midnight E had come to my room to ask me down for a game of mahjong. I said cool, gimme a minute. I picked up the dirty dishes from my room to drop off at the kitchen and a sleeping bag to return to E's flatmate. I was surprised in my kitchen by friends with a song and cheesecake!! It was quite a surprise. I honestly didn't expect it, i'm not the kind of person people do this for. After cake, a bunch of us sat down to learn mahjong. I've grasped the basics, so i guess its all down to practise now. Slept at about 3 and.....

Woke late today, and messed around with radio.blog.club. Its cool; you get to find music to put in a playlist to stream. For someone who cant download music, this is a blessing. And i can look for that old song i miss or listen to something someone recommended. Its wicked.

I dragged myself to a lecture-its about babies. About baby problems. That's all its gonna be this month, babies and more baby issues. Today was a baby day on TV. Everyone was getting preggers and giving birth. What a mess.

I managed to blag it through PBL- i must say, im quite impressed by my blagging skills. It's improving at a decent rate. Though i suspect my tutor thinks im an airheaded twat.

I picked up my package from the post office and went home to listen to frank turner. I was charmed and so brought the cd to 16 Moody Street. The girls had baked me a cake and made me a card- i even had a candle!!

I just ate more cake and watched tv for 4 hours- most of it about babies and children. There's no escaping babies. They're everywhere!!!!!

I walked home at about 10.....I had straightened my hair there and gave myself an 'emo' fringe. I thought i looked cool, and the boys who turned around to check me out as i got on the back door of the bus must have thought so too. I love my hair when its being nice. Even have carrot cake for my midnight snack.

So, before the day is done, here's my birthday speech:

The highest praises to Allah Almighty for letting me get this far. Thank you for all the blessings and all the love. I appreciate all that i've been given. I ask for forgiveness and blessings for my family, friends and myself. I wanna say thanks to mom and dad- i love you guys so much and miss you SOOO much. I just dont wanna show it cos you're gonna think im an absolute wuss. To my family- i miss the whole bunch of you loads. My sweet and tough grannies, my all grown-up lil bro, my lovely uncles and aunts, my naughty cousins, and the rest of you lot.....And to my friends far away and near- you guys alway manage to surprise me. I may be bitchy, never call or write but know that my friends are forever. I love you guys too.....Im glad to still be here and to have all of you with me.

Birthdays have always been a bit shit for me. I think it must be the over-expectation. Either that or the fact that im a year closer dying gets to me.

Two freshers have died. One in a freak car accident and another of health complications, in floyer house. I've seen him around, looking perfectly well. A few people ive talked to were close to him. I guess deaths, especially of people so young serves as a reminder that it can happen anytime to anyone. And it will- in time.

OST- My life, the musical!

Thanks K for the inspiration and the laughs. Excellent entry in the comments as well, Prince Ali.
Here's how it goes:
1. Put your media player into shuffle mode with all your music available.
2. Let it play
3.What's the 10 top songs that come up (and keep them in order they play in)
4. Place them in order into the major life events
5.Write your story!

here's my first attempt....

Intro: Anywhere on this road (Lhasa de Sela)
School: Shiny (Decemberist)
Falling in love: Assasin (Muse)
Fight scene: Lying from you (Linkin Park)
Break up: A smile that explodes (Joseph Arthur)
Get back together: Runaway (Linkin Park)- macam tak get back together jer
Wedding: Look of love (Grover Washington Jr.)- some early 90's sounding instrumental jazz number
Birth of kid: Saat aku lanjut usia (Sheila on 7)
Death: That i would be good (Alanis Morrisette)

Ahh- looks like a typical tragic drama-rama with a happy ending.
A childhood filled with impermanence and yearning for security and unconditional love.
Getting up to a whole lot of antics in school but never meaning to cause anyone any harm.
Falls in love at with a boy who's a revolutionary? (im stretching myself here, assasin is not a fall in love song, is it now?)
We fight at home, over dinner about his revolutionary work. What started off as conversation turns into us screaming horrible accusations at each other. It ends with us storming away, me packing my bags to leave.
There is no real break up, no words spoken after the fight. I wake up realizing how much i love him. Never quite getting around to telling him how i feel.
Linkin park again? This is so not a get back together song. He finds me at a friends home. He's being hunted down by the police. He tells me he cant stay in the country anymore, he has to leave. Now. He asks me to follow. I concede, for the love of the boy.
Married in a simple ceremony with surrounded by new friends in a foreign country. A funky jazzy tune the Dj plays as the guests are eating. Its that kinda song.....
Well, not really a song about the kid, but more about our relationship. How we'll still be together when we're old and creaky.
And it ends with a song about living the best i can with what life hands out-good or bad. Like this story, making the best out of a really wierd shuffle.

Girlies now take a stand and wee with help from the Magic Cone!

That's why its called the Magic Cone!
Its a device that forms a funnel that fits against the the body and funnels pee into a direct stream in a downwards direction....
I think its great-no more having to get bums down on anything....A blessing at camping and long road trips. I wonder if it can be used to pee into bottles?
Only down point is that its a bit pricey.

Listening to Rufus Wainwright sing in french

and spying on into the hall, with my head on my window ledge, half wishing he'd turn around and see me. Nothing more romantic (Rufus Wainwright singing in french, not me spying on a Welsh boy).

Welsh Daydreamings

I'm currently crushing on a charming Welsh boy i met while dissecting. He's very good with scaples but a bit too keen to chop and slice. He's now practising some play in the hall- I can spy him from my room.....

When he speaks my knees turn a bit jelly. I love his adorable accent- it sounds so cute and pretty. The moment i crushed was when he hummed along to 'whistle while you work'- i was singing cos i had a tough bit to slicing to do.

Charming as he is though, it is a silly crush with no real viability. Just daydreaming- did a lot of that on the bus to Cardiff.

Wouldn't it be funny if I'd marry a nice Welsh boy? We'd live in a village somewhere, or maybe even a farm. We'd rear sheep and cows and I'd be the first producer of halal Aberdeen Angus steaks in Wales and maybe even Britain. The children would speak Bahasa and Welsh- probably a combination never seen before.

Cardiff is a lovely city- clean and nicely sized. Lots of older buildings, with a castle in the middle of town. It gets a bit rowdy on a friday and saturday night- the streets looked like a parade just passed by. The Malaysians i met and hung out with are lovely! Thanks for letting us stay at yor place and taking care of us! The Malaysian night was entertaining though it was a bit dull at parts. The play was different- it looked into sticky issues that arent the usual fodder of malaysian nights. Still, it managed to be light-hearted and funny....Reminded me terribly of DJ, old friends and home. Not going home pangs are hitting a bit hard.

Had a excellent weekend and now its back to school. Starting a new program to attain physical perfection (or at least move a few milimeters in that direction) on top of rowing training. Its the S.P.P: Six pack program. The aim is to develop the rectus abdominis, external oblique and internal oblique muscles and also to remove the fatty layers covering these muscles so that the definitions of these muscles can be seen externally.
To put it simply is to have a lean, flat, solid stomach. *Insyaallah, Amin*

If it works, i may even get my Welsh boy. Doesnt have to be the current crush......Id be happy with a 6 foot, broad shouldered half Spanish, half Welsh boy named Jorge. As long as he doesnt have red-hair, i'd be happy. Im simple like that........... *now you can snicker and roll your eyes*

What im doing to getting through the anatomy exam

1. Listening to New Found Glory (dont snicker) and Daft Punk
2. Finish a tray of most-excellent-near-frozen-made-yesterday-super-yummy-eliza's-own tiramisu.
3. Get tiramisu bits on anatomy book
4. Sleep from 12 noon to half 6
5. Dress up to go to the library and then dont leave the room
6. Write email to mom telling her about S.A.D and M.E.N.F.M.Y.S.Y.E.O tiramisu
7. Ponder life's questions
8.Blog unnecessarily
9. Worry
10.Study

14 hours to go. Wish me luck!

To be fair, life hasnt been horrible

Im guilty of magnifying my miseries. I've not mentioned dissection in a good light at all- the smell are certainly unpleasant, but im engrossed in what im doing.

First up, the people who donate their bodies to science are, to quote the cliche, giving a great contribution to us and science. They're stellar and legends in my book. I know its a great thing to do, but i wont do it. My organs i'll donate but not the rest of me.

Initially i was freaked out by the thought of it, cutting open the body of a formerly-alive person. On the day i faked bravery and went for it. I really didnt want touch the body or breath even. The smell was making me feel physically sick. I said a prayer, to ward off any bad spirits and asking for the strength to stay standing through the day.

I managed it though, and learnt a lot. I learnt a lot because of you, person-who-donated your body. Thank you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later: 9th march 2006. This is so secret im hiding it here

I'm secretly very, very lonely. Im still a sad loner freak who has no friends. No one to hang out with on a friday night. No one to hang out with, ever.

I need constant love, attention and praise- if i dont i feel worthless

I've never been kissed

There's no one to call if i need to hear a friendly voice at 2 in the morning

Its been this way for a long time, if not forever. Is there something wrong with me?

I dont remember things as well as i used to. Im only 22, i cant be losing my memory, can i?

Its a whiny night

You know Brick, the ben fold five song? Its heart breaking. Ive stopped listening to set fire to the third bar on loop-that'll keep me sane..........

I'm unhappy because they're all my friends. He's my friend. Im even being friendly, kind and supportive.

See, if i was truly bitchy and really wanted this guy i would be evil (and totally try to snatch him outta this other girl's hands. Her fucking pretty, soft and sweet hands). But I know deep down inside that im wasting my time and i know that he's definately buddy material.

So there. Get over it. Stop being a twat eliza. Be supportive instead. And nice. Friendly too. And remember, if everything goes pear shaped with the two of them, you'll still have friends. If it goes well you'll have happy friends.

Elementary, my dear Watson, tells me his path will be difficult. But she'll yield. Slowly. It's a skill these kind of girls have, keeping men baited and asking for more without compromising anything. But he has tricks up his sleeve too. I can just tell.

Had a most random conversation with a mate.
Obviously a drunkard call.

You know its bad when someone calls, starts whining misogynisticly and whinges enviously of other's (sexual) good fortune.

The truth is we all just need to get laid and get it out of our system. We'd be happier, healtier and waste less time whining, plotting, planning, trying to look good if we all could just get sex when we need it. Which in many cases is often.

I'll put it on my christmas list:

I want a guitar
I want a car
I want to get laid
I want a boyfriend.

It doesnt have to be in that order either.

For a moment i was worried that was a booty call. Nah, it couldnt be. Geesh, no way.

Set fire to the third bar

This song is today's theme song. Missing those far away and the one i'm yet to meet (my romantic side is taking over, it's S.A.D.(singles awareness day) after all, so let me mush).

I miss having people that love me around. Family (my daddy and bro didnt send me a valentine's this year.....its ok, they're both busy i suppose. Still, i did get Missie the bear and choccies from faiz and a A&W bear from daddy). I miss hugs and cuddles. I miss being kissed and spoiled rotten.

I miss him. Im almost sure he loved me in spite of it all. Im sure i drove him crazy with my demands and antics. I havent changed much, life hasnt changed much, the only thing is he's gone away. I havent called anyone at 3 a.m for a whine and a cry since him. My liquor supplier, my boy when one was needed, my girl when needed, my muse, my fashion guru and editor. The one who had his homework ready for me to copy in the morning. The one who remembered the first time he met me (and no, i didnt make the greatest impression). I loved our phone conversations- me lying on my kitchen floor for hours talking about absolutely nothing. My mother glaring at me as i try to muffle out the curses.

He left a mark in my life. I only hope that i left a decent memory. We still talk, but distance is a terrible barrier, though i think of him often.

Maybe im wrong. We have changed, me and him. That's what people do. Im sure if we talked more, it would all be ok. I could never express myself well in writing anyway-i say more with changes in tone, inflections of voice and the words i use.

I always had a nagging fear he'd love others more than me. Not at all because he made me feel insecure, its because i know everyone is better than me; and so he'd like their company more- im such a jealous freak, even with friends. Im a freak. Yes, im 'fessing up. That's a reason Shazzers never got introduced-he'd so love her more. I couldn't take that. Im already amazingly jealous of her, i couldn't take it if he liked her more than me. Im so psycho, im freaking me out. I cant beat Jacob, and honestly i dont want to-he's like Soulmate. I've never seen him so happy with someone.

So yeah, whenever i think im not loved i just remember that i have friends who loved me (i hope they still do). I love them too, all of them, friends and family- im just really bad at letting it show. Im such a bleeding heart, soppy whiner now, i wonder where my uber bitch side went. Uber bitch side loves them too, just wouldnt whine about it so. Must just be S.A.D. What a fuck-up of a day.

Tomorrow i'll start starving again. Why is for tomorrow. Just let this fucking S.A.D. day end. Im gonna go have tiramisu, so much for drowing sorrows with vodka.

"You're such a sad fuck Liza," says uber bitch

"Shut up biatch, you know im better and good-er. You're not suppose to drink anyway, it's like devil's piss. And being sad is not a bad thing. It give a sense of perspective," retorted Liza

Uber bitch snorts and goes, "you're such a sad little fuck. F-ugly, look where being a decent girl has brought you. You're in your room alone, with a lot to study and known to only your few friends. Where's the fun, glamour and glory in that? You're fading into obscurity honey, for all your decency."

"Well, all this world is impermanent anyway. Its all about living well firstly by God and then by people. You dont wannna end up in hell, do you?" calmly Liza replies

Uber bitch falters slightly. Its hard to argue the Hell Argument. There's no arguing really-there's heaven and hell and in the end, im gonna end up somewhere. "Well, i'm in awe of those who can do that-these amazing women that seem to be able to live by God's rules and still have fun and fulfilling lives. We're lost. We're torn between knowing what is right but wanting what is wrong. Fleshy human desires. We share them. It is part of us. We fight the best we can, but here we are being overwhelmed. Temptation everywhere. Worse, we know how they feel, how much we enjoyed it. We have tasted the forbidden, and guilty as we are, we enjoyed it in that moment. The demon is within and around us. "

Liza looks grim. "I guess we just have to fight it. Each of us will have our own battles and this maybe the way God is judging us. Maybe we need not save the world, raise millions for charity or save lives. Maybe our saving grace is us denying temptation. God's been merciful, and you dont know how long its gonna last."

"I dont how to reply. All you're saying is true. I've heard it all before. And still, the demons in me are so seductive with their false promises. I dont know why i think i'll be happier drunk and on drugs. I dont know why i think having men fall over my feet will make my life become more meaningful. I dont understand why i imagine my life would be more fulfilling as a free hippie instead of a doctor. Why do i think having everyone envying me will make me a better person? " say uber bitch, shrugging her shoulders.

"Well, that what the devil does. That's its purpose. And we have ours, and you know what that is. It was so easy wasnt it, when everyone was good too. I almost believed we could be that good always. But here, its terrible. We broke all the rules. All. Apart from that we forgotten our responsibilities," says Liza, shaking her bowed head.

"At least we know what's right. Guilt sucks. I remember the time we did all our crap without an ounce of guilt. But now guilt plagues us. We might leave our responsibilities behind and go wild, but guilt is a shadow-, sometimes forgotten, but always there, dark and foreboding under the bright light of retrospection," mulled uber bitch.

"So?" asked Liza, with raised eyebrows.

Uber bitch looks almost sad as she says, "I dont know. I almost feel like we have already given in and are too far lost. I am tempted to tell us to just go out and go wild then repent. I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be, but............."

"Isnt easier to decide now and stick by our guns. Be principled for once. For all your bitchiness you lack a spine," Liza barks back.

"We're indecisive, and you know that," says uber bitch, sounding even sadder

"Till when? We're gonna have this argument everytime. Each time. And sometimes we'll win, we'll do the right thing. But then, i pray rarely, the demons win. And we lose. When they win we always lose. Dont you realize that?" Liza says. For harsh words, her tone is gentle, pleading. She continues, " perhaps one day we'll live by principles, and be done with all this questioning, arguing the obvious."

Liza gives uber bitch a hug. They're one and the same in the end. Just different personalities, wanting different things in this life, but really just looking for happiness, redemption and God's grace.

My hair is dark brown waves floating about my face. I can still smell the sickening salty scent of dead preserved bodies mingled with the smell of my sweat. The occasional raindrop hitting my window, the hum of my radiator, the irregular tap-tap of me typing. My hands stink of formalin and the rubber gloves.

I spent the last hour being miserable and choosing Shins's birthday cake. I walked home in the rain. It's not the cleansing shower that purifies the air and takes your sins and miseries with it as it runs down your face. This is not that. It spits and drips, not making anything wet, just making things damp. There's no fun it spitting rain. The puddles just mess up sneakers, not being deep enough to reallly have fun in. Cant sing and dance-it's merely spitting.

And if i cry, people can still tell im crying.

Been having a bad day. Not disasterous, just emotionally i feel like a wreck. I feel alone and useless. I fear my existance has no meaning. Lost, i cannot anticipate what is going to happen next. I worry that whatever it is, it isnt good. Again i have lost my faith in male-kind ( given, i dont exactly spend my time with the most shining examples of chivalry but i think they represent the masses better than the those amazing people romancenovelist write about ). My intellect is failing me, so is my body. I cannot study and i am getting fatter and more stupid as the days go by.

I know the reason and cause of all this is because im fat and f-ugly. My lack of talent doesnt help either. Charmless, witless, and a bore- im duller than dust. Not particularly intelligent- there's not much about me that would attract or intrigue. I also not flushed- money in my opinion can buy anything (love, adoration and all of the stuff im lacking). Oh, and did i mention i have horrible insides? I dont mean like internal organs, but like my soul. My soul's as f-ugly if not f-uglier that the outside. Its full of evil wants and needs, envy, hatred and anger. There's no redeeming thing about me. I've been missing prayers and started drinking again. Feeling guilty but not enough to make me get back on the straight and narrow. My demons are back-and they want to stay. But im too sensible to let them have free reign. Thus, i become boring. But never prim or unexciting enough to be good. Always searching for the next thrill. And what's more thrilling than breaking the rules? But then, sensibility and guilt kicks in. A horrible vicious circle that leaves me drained and unfullfilled. Guilt-ridden and miserable.

But at the moment im sad because im alone again on 'single's awareness day', i wont be going home to where people love me even though im a fat-f-ugly person, and i feel whatever i do its under appreciated. Oh, and im not doing that great in school either, that weighs on my mind heavy. And i cant construct decent sentences or speak spanish.

Please help me God- because all i can think about is to drown my sorrows in vodka and movies. I know its wrong and bad, but i feel terrible.

im not sure if the churning of my stomach is because of the coffee
or from fear

I dont know what to do now
I really dont want to fail