It's ok to make mistakes

Once.
Then you're expected to learn from it.

What i've learnt this year is that im not as strong, as smart or as capable as i thought i am.
I need a lot of help and i should not be ashamed of asking for it.
I have wonderful, amazing friends whose house is now full of stuff. My stuff.
I will not even start imagining moving all that to the new place which is very-very far away.
Next year will be my year of elimination.

I am not able to let go of material goods.

But i will learn how.

Liez,

you do not need 7 Tefal pans or all those ripped up jeans.

You do not need all those shrunken t-shirts.

Next year i will purge my room of all old unneccessary things. I dont want to be a junk collecting bag/box lady. I dont want to suffer when moving. Like today, tonight.

I cant help but think that my things define me. But they dont. My experiences do, and i should learn how to savour them more, cherish them and remember them.

I should not be ashamed of not knowing.
But eager to learn and remember.

I will never again get high 10 hours before i need to get on a plane. Worse, having to pack and shovel all my stuff away before then. The high helped the packing- the hours felt like minutes and the pain and panic is a haze.

The sun is rising now and i am headed home. My third year as a medical student has ended and im sad for lost opportunities and hoping that i made through the year. They'll be changes next year, difficult adaptations. For my anchor is leaving me, at long last. I may have, in the last years, imagine i have lost her, but physically she was always near. Now, oceans will part us, and distance and laziness will wear at what's left.

The last vestiges of green haze still adhere to the peripheries of my conciousness- even when im high i feel lonely.

The power of belief

Will the sheer belief that i will pass help me pass?

I hope against hope i will.

I don't see an alternative.

Today was ok. I hope for a better tomorrow.

Then its frenzy packing, loading up and off home!

It's a need, no longer a want

There's the ciggies and the painkillers.
When did i turn into a 1/2 a pack a day kida girl?

It's ironic if medical school killed me.

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me
If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

paper one part 2- done

it was HARDER.

I've even lost my appetite for shopping.

paper one- done

it was not what i expected.
It was HARD.

Discombobulated

Out-of-sorts

Plain wierd.

Argh, help me regain my sanity, wits and wisdom.

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Young people angry at politicians
shopping for mayonaise while staring the most beautiful woman with gorgeous legs encased in knee high white/purple gym socks. The socks did it for me.
An unexpected phone call.
A choice to make, decisions.
No time.
Much to read.

slightly less discombobulated.
Stuff i need to read still is a 'mille-feiulle'

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Decision made.
I hope i didnt just imagine that phone call.
Life is complicated.

Mille-feuille

So.....much........to.......read.......

Exam....thursday..........

Note:
Hot librarians are not a myth. My library have successfully acquired 3 of these rare, delectable specimens.

Hypochondriac

It is fair to go to the emergency dept of the hospital and tell them that im feeling unwell?

It's all non-specific, but the nausea, tiredness, lack of concentration and swollen right leg is suspicious.

Im scared there's actually something wrong with me. But it would be good to know what it is, if there is something, instead of thinking i'm some paranoid delusional hypochondriac.

The doctor's appointment is scheduled for next monday. The paper is on thursday and friday.

Unproductive

But at least im awake at stupid hours.

5 days and 20 hours....just about?

Stalker songs

I never realized the sheer number of songs with stalker undertones.
Most of them don't sound creepy at all, until you read the lyrics, out loud, without the music.

For example, DCFC's I will possess you heart. I think it's a sweet song by a confident guy who got dismissed once by a girl he really liked. But it could also be a really creepy confident guy who will stop at nothing to 'possess' this girl's heart (take the line literally and there you go, horror flick!)

Coldplay's Shiver is another stalker song. Thanks S for bringing this to my attention. I just thought it was a song of unrequited love but no, it's an outright stalker song. "I will always waiting for you," can be taken as lover's token of fidelity or a real creepy stalker's line.

And of course, the ultimate stalker song would be Sting's Every breath you take. I dont even need to elaborate on that one.

There's too many to list, really, but these two are the ones seeming not on people's list. I'll add more if i find them. Stalking stalker songs. Way to go alliteration!

It's less than a week away

Im frightened
I wish i could have photographic memory

My dad knew someone with photographic memory- He said it was really cool that she knew everyone by name

I want it to go well.

I want a good summer.

The fear and the horror.

Suitcases and shoeboxes

Moving stuff out to friends' place for the summer.

They've got a car, so we're doing the bulk today, 2.5 weeks before im actually flying home.

Talk about kan-cheong.

But i have a lot of stuff. What you see there is about 70%. Minus the TV.

I have too many suitcases and shoeboxes.

Strangely calm, oddly unfocused

Im unfocused and distracted.
However, im oddly calm. There's that little fear and worry with the exams coming, but there's a big woolly and warm blanket of serenity on top of it all.

Having Des over was good. He always manages to amuse and inspire. My knees are still killing me from our hike across london. My throat is still raspy from all the ciggies.

Im worried because im calm. It's not me. I need to study more, but im distracted. I can't focus and do it. My mind wanders, i get sleepy....

Send well wishes, reiki help and pray for me. I need it.

Thanks Faiz for that cassette years ago

Thanks my dearest for the gig- you've ascended to goddess status. It's not only the tickets, but for the 5 hour wait and front-centre, elbows-on-the-barrier spot. Fantastic!

We went to see Coldplay play at the BBC.

I forgot how much i love them. The new album sounds fantastic live.....I like the new look: french revolution rugged soldier outfits....like an older, more mellow, less eyeliner my chemical romance.

the fluttering butterflies made it magic.

I was spotted by a mate on tv. There goes 0.7 seconds of my 15 minutes of fame.

Front-centre, woo hoo!!

It feels like a tornado just passed

i'll blog about it later.....now im being swept up, and going absolutely scared and mad.

The awkward kiss

It's another one of my weird dreams.

I was kissed by a character from a tv-show.
I was caught by surprise and it was one of those awkward, where do i put my hand, teeth getting in the way kisses. So very technical. So very authentic, what would happen in real life situation. And i was in my head, thinking what the hell is going on and then just letting myself be kissed.

It was pleasant though, and the tone wasn't outwardly sexual, it was more of a comforting dream. I doubt no one can really interpret your dreams for you, but i read that to dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility and contentment. I wondering where im getting all this love and affection from. Im two weeks from my exams- no, im not tranquil and not content with my level of revision.

Im wondering if this is one of those prophetic dreams(i wish...). Also, i never dream of tv, what's up with that? It's a show I enjoy, but have not watched for months. Im not the celebrity/tv character obsessed kind.

Oh well, maybe it's just my head messing with me. i should stop reading too much into things.

Shy

I wonder sometimes why i'm so terribly shy. I literally wilt and hide if i have to face someone i fancy- even if it's just the littlest silly giggly kinda fancy. I'm worse than a wallflower, at least those don't wilt.

Argh, this self confidence thing needs fixing.
So that i can face the cute boys i fancy and live life without wilting.

First ever 'foreigner' slur

I was getting midnight snacks from McDonald's with a housemate when a guy in line in front of us turned around to ask me where i'm from. I get it all the time, and usually it's asked with real curiosity, so i decided to go with the whole "where do you think i come from line?", said in a playful manner.

The guy is a typical working class white middle age guy. Looks a bit rough, but these types are usually harmless.

The other two guys in the line were guessing and after about two wrong guesses i told them i'm from malaysia. They're asian, by the way.

Anyway, this white guy then proceeds to rant about how i should try speaking english and not talk in my 'own' language with my 'own' people. The thing is we were speaking English all the while. He goes on about how london is being taken over by foreigners and that born and bred londoners, like him, are becoming a rarity. That foreigners are taking over jobs and the streets, taking the british government's money, which rightly belongs to people like him. Mind you, he's not as half as eloquent as i am here.

It's quite intimidating because he's standing right in front of me, ranting away. I'm trying to stay quiet, bite my tongue and not argue, trying to dissapate the tension and to get away without getting into a fight. The two asian guys are looking nervous, glancing at me, asking if i'm alright. Me and my friend sorta walked off, and the guy continued on his rant. He's pissing me off, the wanker, but im resisting the urge to say to tell him off.

"Im here, paying fuck loads of money and taxes to your government so that it can support dole dependant alcoholics like you who have nothing better to do than slag off hardworking immigrants. Shut up and get a job."

Well, that's a first. I wish i had the guts to just tell it to his face. But I can never find the words and the nerve.

I've been reading the BNP's manifesto, just outta curiosity. Wanna know a bit more about British Nationalism? Be warned, it may piss you off.

Finding Sufjan Steven

Good days are made up of an amusing consultant, reassuring assessments, cheap and sweet red grapes and finding Sufjan Steven's Illinoise at the local library.

Finals are in 2 weeks, 6 days and 15 hours approximately.

The essay is going in tomorrow. The worst piece of writing ever printed on earth. Ever.

Japan!

I have a funny story. Apparently i have a old high school friend living in Japan. How did i find out?My mother told me. My grandmother had told her. How did granny find out? She met an old highschool friend, and she told my friend that i was going to Japan for the summer and my friend told her how one of our old mates is there.

Stories like that make my heart go all fuzzy and warm. When i become a granny, i wanna know my grandkid's friends as well. And feed them chocolate.

My visa application was a bit of jumping through hoops, but all is well. The very Nordic looking guy with the chewed-up nails at the japanese embassy visa office was really nice about it. It should be ready next wednesday!!!

Tickets -check
Visa -check
conference t-shirt -check
amy winehouse outfit and dance moves -pending post-exam....i think i'll use the 5 quid dress, it just needs a little alteration...