Why do i do it?

I hate being the only morbidly obese, short and ugly brown girl there.

I hurt myself everytime.

I have been stung by nettles, skinned my knees and have track marks going up my legs. I have chafed thighs from insisting to walk in those shorts for 4 miles each day. I have a hole in the heel of my right foot. My back hurts and i have sciatica pain down my left gluteal muscles.

I feel so useless, so weak when im out there. Im not good enough, and im letting everyone down. I get tired 30 seconds in. I have this suspicion that im the reason we are so bad and never win. They know im bad, i get blamed all the time. I feel like im only there because no one else wants to show up, and they are leaving me there to be polite, since i bother showing up every week.

i wonder why people dont just tell me to quit- before im requested to retire. I sense that i belong more this year, but im still fairly invisible. The annoying people have roped in more annoying friends. Ive been demoted this year and was pronouced as the weakest link of the boat. What few friends i had have new friends in higher places and hang out with the others, and thus i am alone again.

And here's how its gonna go:
im gonna try again, next year.
Im gonna try to train, lose weight and get fighting fit, but fail.
This time next year, i'll write the exact same thing

Im boring and predictable. Life sucks. I hate the way i look, the way i am, who i am. Why cant i be like them- so tall, so skilled, so smart and beautiful? I know life's not fair, but................