Everything Is Illuminated Trailer

A must-watch!

Dried mimosas and lavender

To remind me of happier times
and prettier things
Of hours and days spent in sunshine.

There's Sol,
now growing in a red bucket
Reminding me
that i have sunshine and blooms
to look forward to.

Drinking buddies

Yeah, yeah..... i havent been updating.

But this is a proper whinge:

I wanna go out and drink myself silly during my last night in Ireland. However- there's no one to go out drinking with. Damn.

I'm a little miffed with a certain friend who was the reason i'm flying outta Cork- cos she ain't here and im left on my own and staying at a hostel.

Yeah, it's my fault, but i like having someone to blame.

Maybe i'll go and drown my sorrows.

Or watch Crash. Or read.

Geesh, im sad, arent i?

St. Patrick's Day

Hullo from Dublin!

It's been a lazy few days in Dublin- i've been over-indulging and sleeping in late. Not my style of travelling really, but my friend here has been spoiling me.

Im sleeping on M's plush sofa in her super-warm living room- funny thing is, im literally living here. She's got a room mate, so i cant quite share the room, im just living outta my suitcase in her living room. Im not complaining- it's warm and the telly's just here.

Spent an afternoon drinking at the Guinness factory- i have a certificate saying that i can pull a perfect pint of Guinness. I have never tasted the Black Stuff before and i think it is apt that the first time was at the Guinness factory in Dublin. I cant quite place the taste, but im quite fond of it now......getting drunk at 3 in the afternoon was a plus as well.

St. Patrick Day's was a riot in Dublin- everyone in green and wearing ridiculous hats and headgear! The parade was a grand affair- brass bands, colorful people and huge floating balloony things. We didnt get such a good vantage point and i tried carrying M's friend E on my shoulders. I hurt my back and the tiny girl manage to crush my brachial plexus, giving me parasthesia (tingling/pins and needles) down my left arm. Yeah, so dont try it unless you're really strong (even on the tiniest of girls unless they're like 6). Later we went for hot chocolate and cake- heavy on the cream and chocolate flakes on everything....yum!! Walked about town and then had lovely filled crepes. Came back to curl on the sofa and watch a movie and eat pringles. ...

My day at Newgrange started off quite normal- i dropped by the tourist office and the guy there advised me to take the shuttle bus there. Being skint and i up for an adventure, i opted for the 2 busses and a 30-minute walk option (later i realized the savings made up by the loooong trip was minimal, but hey, time and energy is what i have loads of, i have just little money). It was a lovely 30 minute walk- just that there was construction works and i had to dofge JCBs and piles of earth and rock. The weather held up, thank God.

Newgrange is a Neolithic monument older than the pyramids- no one knew why they were built, but they knew that the Boyne valley is home to 40 of these sacred mounds, Newgrange being one of the biggest. On the shortest day of the year the sun shines a beam of light into the slim tunnel in Newgrange. It's a huge mound, and there's this tunnel with a cruciform chamber at the end. The whole place is held up by stones placed in 3000 B.C. and hasnt been touched since. The slate roof is holding up tonnes of rock and soil and yet it's still standing strong with no mortar. Kinda scary thinking that when i was creeping in, but it wasn't too scary (it's hard to be scared in a tour group.....)

Because the tour finished late, i missed by bus from the village of Donore to Drogheda. I was planning to walk the 10 kms to Drogheda, or hitch, but the lady at the Visitor Centre was worried for me so she found 9 other tourist and booked a cab for the lot of us. That's how i ended up walking and hanging out with 7 italian guys and a brazilian couple. Watching the group of Italians i recall why it's nice travelling in a group- people to talk to, share jokes and generally make light of a difficult situation; it's a totally different experience from travelling alone, but the concern of people (like the visitor centre lady and my lovely friend M) reaffirms and restores my faith in humanity (no matter how sometimes people can just be real shitty).

Im off to Galway today, meeting up with an old friend from D.J. (my earlier highschool). I'll update later then darlings, au revoir for now!

Off to Eire

Im headed to Ireland tonight.

There's so much to do yet- the letters, Sol's babysitter and my packing.

I'll be away for 12 days- i must've been nutters when i planned this. Im crazy!!!!!!

Sing loud, sing it proud

Live through this and you won't look back...........................

Sing it with me now

Liiiiive through thiiiiis and you won't look backkkkkkkk.......

Rage Against The Downstairs Room

In an attempt to finally get some sleep, i unfolded my sleeping bag on my floor, and snuggled in. However, the fucking noise from the PRO-EVO players downstairs not only managed to keep me awake, but pissed me off. To compound it all, i managed to hit my head on the side of the bed while trying to get comfy and shut out the noise.

I look bad enough at the best of times, but when fury manifests itself, my inner Medusa awakens.

I pulled my two thickest volumes of medical text and started flinging them to the floor with all my rage (plus anger, fury and gaining extra height by standing on my chair). One volume managed to achieve particularly satisfactory reverbations- i think it was making the pipes in the walls echo. This went on for a few minutes.

Satisfied with my bitch fit, i sat in my chair to read- my head still pounding where it made contact with the bed post.

Then, someone knocked on the door. The next door neighbour of the nobheads downstairs came up to ask if anything was amiss. She was unfairly screamed at (Medusa isn't very nice or discriminatory). I apologized for my outburst, althougth slightly embarrassed and upset that there was collateral damage.

Communal living is difficult.

But those

idiotic, moronic, loud, annoying and inconsiderate wankers, dickheads, twats and dipshits

should apologize to her too.

Fucking tossers.

Gusts of wind and the bomber jacket

Put my hair in curlers yesterday- today i had big-big curly hair moussed and sprayed to plastic shine and springy-nesss.

I love it when the wind blows through it, sending the curls flying everywhere- i feel like laughing everytime. The wind is strong enough to push me along as im walking along- i cant help but smile when that happens, even though i was dragging my feet along, feeling a bit on the down side.

My newly dyed olive-green bomber jacket (formerly baby pink) is my current fav jacket- it keeps me cozy and warm....Plus, the large collar flips up if the wind is blowing from behind.....That makes me wanna laugh too...It's not quite a spring color, but military chic never goes outta style, does it?

Star's Tomorrow Will Be Better, I Swear!

When you can't get up to the cold morning light
But you don't get to sleep in, still dreaming
And everybody only wants to fight
You're up against never being right
When the worries of the world hold your feet
And there's little left to believe in

Today is going to be a better one
There's nothing more to take in
Going wrong

Old pale memories of someone you knew
Keep crawling through the back of your mind, stealing time
In the daylight you're crossing all your wires
You never knew just how to put out a fire
The closet's been shaking with bones
Little reminders that you're out on your own

Today is going to be a better one
There's nothing more to take in
Going wrong

Today keep your head and drop the gun
There's nothing more to battle when you're gone

Walk on

That's the theme song to my quater-life crisis
I'll take it on, surviving on bits of happiness as i go along
Thank God
There's still some love lying around

Greek food!!!

Im impressed and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It's Greek food. It's the fact the guys made Greek food.

Maybe it's not just for me, maybe im reading too much into this- but at least they listened. I've been wanting Greek food since my birthday and they made it! Plus, i love the stuff!

There's some lovely fish with tomato and lemon dressing. There was also some aubergine cooked with olives? i think and some delish roast potatoes (ok, not greek, but we gotta cut the boys some slack...)

Too bad i wasn't actually there for dinner- i went for a talk about volunteering at Charing Cross Hospital (it's Imperial's turf). Didn't get killed, lynched or injured. Came back with valuable reconnaissance- anyone who's thinking about volunteering, i have valuable information that im willing to share for a small fee. Just bring me out for Mexican.

I dont know what's happening

I dont know what is happening- im losing it so slowly that i dont realize it. I'm not the person i knew a year ago.

It's moment like this, at 3.30 in the afternoon, that i realize that i dont know what im doing with my life. Im wasting my time and other people's money. I'm disappointed with myself and the lost potential. I could be so much if i tried. If i could just wake up from this haze of apathy and laziness. It's as thick as mud and im being sucked in.

Im drowning, not waving. I'm the only person that can save myself, and i dont know how. I dont know how to fix me.

Quote: Apathy is a difficult disease to cure

You always had the best things to say. I miss you and the nuggets of wisdom you'd share over cups of tea.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have a question; perhaps it's rhetorical, maybe it's not. But it's been bugging me for ages.

Actually i have many things to ask, so much i want to know. I wish i was a mind reader or a savant.

How wonderful to remember all that you've ever seen, heard, think, felt.
To be able to recall everything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Much later:

I want to feel something other than this grey, drab feeling. I want to want something. To feel passion and excitement for something more than just my chicken and mushroom buns (the bread kind). I see that apathy does nothing for a dirty mind.

Denial and Escapism

Im in denial. I have all these things to do, and yet, i manage to blot it all out. Im in denial of my fatness, my ignorance and stupidity. I say it, but deep down, i dont mean it. Im in denial. I still have in my head that i am the Queen of the world, when in fact, i have long fallen from my throne, fallen from grace. It's a slippery slope from there as i slip lower each time.

Escapism will be my downfall. I refuse to study or check emails- im trying to shirk all responsibility.....for what? To stay in bed and dream. In my own world where i make stories from music and everything including me, is beautiful. I blame the Stars for my current state of mind- they sing such descriptive songs that it puts the movie maker in my head into overdrive.

My head is heavy and im really hungry all the time: it's the weed. I woke up in someone else's bed this morning- i opened my eyes to realize i didn't know where i was, and it took me about 30 long seconds to recall what happened last night. Nothing too exciting- i was stoned and in my little bubble, thinking deeply about things i shouldn't be thinking about. The guys were coming up with profound thoughts and epiphanies- but i was beyond listening. This depressive state is bad for me. It's affecting my motivation and memory. Both are going, and so is my skin- it's a barometer of my mood: bad skin means bad mood; sorta.

There's this exam next week, and i am not at all prepared. I fear for my future. This apathy doesn't suit the study of medicine.

This is my quarter-life crisis.

Cravings

It's becoming a habit- enough that i miss it. My dessert ciggarette.

I need to take a break- im puffed out cycling down to classes.

Feeling guilty

It's late and i'm feeling waves of guilt.
It feels like i've done something wrong.

It's the class-skipping and sleeping in lectures that's getting to me.

I feel bad that while people work hard to teach me, i go to sleep or worse, rather do nothing in my room.
In addition, i have the nerve to be stupid.

Here's the new Püre Program:

4 hours of püre work
2 hours of püre gym
6 hours of püre sleep

and still 12 hours to spare.

*heart* new music!

They're called Stars and they're Canadian.
They make the soundtrack for good days, odd moments and bad patches.

You gotta trawl through my youtube playlist to hear 'em, but dont miss out on the Pierces or that one Kerli song i'm currently obsessed with. Hear

~Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love~

What had Barack Obama done for you today?

Click here to find out

But then, i had a great weekend......

"When there's nothing else to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire"
Opening line from the video for the Stars's song Your Ex-Lover is Dead.

I awoke late Saturday- had a satisfying breakfast and was looking forward to rowing, but it was sadly cancelled due to gale force winds (that made ridiculous waves at the docks). I say sadly, but there's always this twinge of happiness when rowing is cancelled. I hung around in bed and managed a little time at the gym. Had rice and Nando's at Clark Street (my second home and my other bed) before we left for a night out in Camden Town.

As usual i had forgotten my cigarettes, but we sat outside in the beer garden, nursing beers and conversation. It was nice to finally had a Camden night out- it was long planned! After a walk up and down Camden high st later we decided to enter the Electric Ballroom- music was surprisingly cheesy, but we had a great time dancing the night away! Painful feet and a couple of hours later i hobbled home in a daze (the heady combination of alcohol and pain). Crashed in bed, make-up and all.

Woke up at 10, by a text from my friend asking where i was. Shit! I was suppose to meet her at 10 for breakfast at Columbia Rd Flower Market. I jumped out outta bed, brushed my teeth, put on a fresh t-shirt and sped down to the station still in yesterday's jeans. My bike had a flat back tyre and non-functioning brakes- that was an adventure down Cambridge Heath Rd. Ended up not being too late- she had trouble ousting her flatmate from the shower, so she arrived a little late too.

I've not seen her in years, so we had a lot to catch up on. The market itself was pretty- lots of yummy food to be had, but a bit crowded. After she left to meet some other friends i went on to hunt down a bike shop to get my brakes (and that flat) fixed. It took me about an hour- my shoes (another pair) was giving my blisters on both feet. Stopped by for bagels and crashed in bed when i got home (in pain and from lack of sleep). Woke up to chew on bagels while still nestled underneath the covers.

Got a call- some friends had an extra ticket to a performance of A Midsummer's Dream. Threw on another clean T-shirt and a warm scarf (still wearing yesterday's jeans though) and headed out. It was an amazing show. It was a midsummer's dream set in an office block, where the first scene was performed in a cafe with the actors mingled among the audience. It was darker but just as funny as ever. A midsummer's night dream is the only Shakespear play i've read properly and to finally see it being performed was great. I loved it- the actors were all around us, brushing against my knee, staring at our faces. It was great acting, great use of the space and lighting. I loved it!! After the show the friends and i had Milo in my kitchen and had biscuit and stroop waffle fueled conversation till 2.30 in the morning.

All in all a great weekend- im exhausted. Those jeans need a break. I've been wearing them since friday. Love 'em.

Epiphany

Say no platitudes dear friends, haters and random readers.

Just let me whinge. For this is pure, undiluted self hatred at its zenith.

Today was the day i was filmed taking a history from a patient and the day i lost all hope. I am FAT and UGLY.

FAT as in elephantine and whale-like. Obese, large; huge. Watching my bum as i walked in the room was painful. It was so huge, even i (with all my selective sight) could not blot it out. My thighs are massive. They look like huge tree trunks. Worst of all was my face- it's huge and fat. There's fat everywhere, and as i nodded you can see the fat move. It even dwarfed the hair. Fat jowls are the ugliest thing in the world- and i have them.

That brings us on to UGLY. Speak not of things like hair and clothes. But just the way im put together. There's no delicacy or beauty anywhere. Just rolls of fat, shaking this way and that as i speak. A large greasy nose, big lips and beady assymetrical eyes. And my voice- awful. I slur my words like my tongue is to big for my mouth. I sound like a retard. I move like one to- i make wierd head movements that is suppose to pass as nodding and dont know where to put my big fat legs when i sit down. And fat jowls. Those terrible fat jowls.

It's not the fat that's making me ugly though. It's just that im ugly AND fat. It's unfortunate, but it happens to some people. Ok, it beats being deaf and blind, but still, when you have intelligent, beautiful, skinny people around you kinda can't help hating fate and wondering why is life so unfair. Or how the world could allow such a monstrosity to survive past their 2nd birthday.

Im OK, really...i guess as OK as you can be if you're fat and ugly.

Ugly Girl

Guess how im feeling today?

Not that im unthankful but im feeling a bit dejected and low after last evening. I clean-up good, but i wish i could look fabulous, or at least decent when i wake up. And not need 24 hours to make sure my hair looks decent. I guess i gotta work on having deep insightful political opinions, smoking cigars and staying up late. Oh, and being nice. Or at least lose some weight.

Watch it- the song is nice and the video is hilarious!

Lightning strikes and bolts of thunder

He still makes my heart leap and my legs turn into jelly.
I get excited by the prospect of seeing him (even from afar).
I never have anything decent, interesting or witty to say
I just grin, wide-eyed in the presence of my personal Greek God (or Aryan Prince, which ever you fancy).
Corny i know, but forgive me, lightning doesn't strike often
And thuder bolts never pealed so hard
Even if im setting myself for misery
I let me
Because i love this feeling
Of hoping, wishing, wanting, dreaming
A reason to do my hair
Something to look forward to
Anticipating
If he'll look my way (no he didn't)
Will he talk to me (yes he did, but the conversation was bland)
I know it amounts to nothing
He could never love one such as me
But at least he knows i exist
I had a reason to try and look pretty
And now it's over and done.

The Imperial College Malaysian night didn't impress. Plagued by technical problems, hackneyed scriptwriting and lacklustre dancing it was slightly less than what i expected. He only had a minor part in the end- if it's possible he's got an even more Greek God-like physique now. No, im not obsessed. Yes, that's right, im not in love, and yup, i did get over him. Still am, it's just everytime i see him i realize how beautiful he is. BUT, i did realize something: he isn't as tall as i imagined him to be. See, i'm making progress. At least now i can see minor flaws.

Later update (hindsight's 20/20):
What would his reaction be if found out that i was utterly smitten with him? Would he freak out at the (even i would admit) scary level of adoration i show? Would he be flattered? Well, he should be. Flattered, not scared..........No one has anything to fear from me- im really a fluffy bunny in a (fat) scary suit. I keep on telling everyone this, but for some reason they all think im gonna jump (ref: urban dictionary, definition 5 and 6) them. Especially my damn housemate. He's cute, but not that cute.