Full moon and a purple spicy bath

Im still in my towel, post purple bath. It's a full moon outside, round and radiant. Im picking out bits of aniseed and currants outta my hair- dont ask, just buy Lush.


I forgot how much i love Lush. Thanks Kikie for my birthday present- which is a lovely selection of relaxing bath bits from Lush. This purple bath was to purify, clear my head a little and for me to settle my nerves. A little over-medicated again. :( [Ka-chan, don't be angry please- you must try to understand].

I will settle back to work again, right after i put some clothes on. Sleeping naked is fine, but working naked is a wee bit much.

City and colour - Waiting

I succeeded in wasting last week- the bloody essay is not even started and my plastic watch strap is giving me contact dermatitis (i.e red scaly patches on my wrists).

So here are my expectations:

To read all of neuro and psych by thursday (exam is friday morning)

To have all my points for my compare and contrast essay (it is 8000 bloody words)

To gym everyday (i just watched run lola run and hell, running is essential to life, like swimming and cycling- i'll be gentle with myself, it's a slowly but surely process)

Get back on my 6 mini-meals a day program.

Get cracking on that fresher guide (at least the phone/bank bit)

Sleep less. Just this week. Just this week.

Stop lying to yourself Lizzie. It's not gonna get better, you're not gonna do it later, stop kidding yourself.
It all boils down to procrastination. Everything that goes wrong with your life is because you're to fucking scared/lazy to fix it now.
There is no later, no tomorrows.
Everything takes time and it has to start now, now now!

So say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high

City and Colour - The Girl Music Video

Heart-ness!

Beautiful song! Love how there's two versions- both acoustic, but one is with the full band and the first just him and his guitar. That voice is just perfect. Sweet, clear with a touch of huski-ness. Owh, i just wanna cry at how pretty the song and his voice is.

The full band bit is cheerful, belies the deeper lyrics. I like the first bit more than the second bit but i bob to the second bit- it would feature in eliza's indie disco, right at the end of the night.

Oh, what is a closet romantic optimist to do?

Play out a romantic situations with people i know in it. I'd like to think that this would be a perfect song for him to sing to her. I have romantic notions for everyone- yes, i make little romantic dramas outta all of your lives.

Being 24

In spite of the hi-jinks on friday and my bruised budget, my plan for week-long celebrations have gone well.

I dont feel any different, but i contrast this year's "let's just party" attitude to my state of mind when i turned 20.

A little more mid-twenties, but i'll manage. I will be me, personality is kinda set when you're like 10 or something. So what if im a bumbling mess who says the wrong things and looks like a butch gypsy (on bad days)? (that's in reference to today's disaster outfit of a gypsy blue dress, spotty shirt, ripped cardigan, black leggings, combat boots and my refugee scarf plus a massive brown shoulder bag- hah, polyvore that!)


Disaster 2/3/09 - by liezy on Polyvore.com

As long as there are people who will be my friends, i'll be ok. I should stop pushing people away and stop fearing people hating me.

woah, maturity is scary....

It was fun then

but not so now.

Hell, getting pissed at my own party was not such a good idea.
The pictures are out. In one i looked absolutely miserable. I wasn't miserable at all, i can tell you that.

Im not sure if i should apologize. I was loud, inappropriate and sometimes plain mean. Owh, my poor guests.

The shame.

I'll make a point not to do that again. Not at my own party anyway. Hosts should always be gracious and attentive to her guests. No blabbering away, spilling drinks all over herself and rolling on the floor.

live and learn lizzie. Live and learn.

24's not feeling too bad. It starts tomorrow; i mean, today.

It's scary late at night, when i think about the future

I tend to get these episodes of gut wrenching, palpitation inducing worries late at night.

Most of them cluster around tomorrows.

They're repetitive and boring and so real. I tell myself i'll do something about it tomorrow, but it's tomorrow already.

You know they really care

when you get a gift of safety equipment!

I got a snazzy pink-purple-silver helmet from TYH and Daniel!
For the cycling you see- it's a lovely helmet, and fits properly, so i have no excuse now.

Helmet hair has to be made trendy.

Butterfingers-terus terang

Oh butterliciousness.....

This find makes my Sunday
I've got a splitting headache
So im lying in bed
Surrounded by notes and laundry
that needs arranging, folding

I want to sleep but i know i shouldnt
i'll just fuckup my sleep patterns again
Should i watch Romeo and Juliet or Zatoichi?

It's friday night

Im all on my own, the flat is empty- everyone is out.

I want a little mary-jane, a little something that'll put me in a different state of mind. I want to have friends around so we can jump around to Queens of the Stone Age.

Well, friends i have few and weed i have none, so i'll have to spend my friday night home, alone, bored; attempting to get some school work.

Maybe i go for a cycle de minuit since i didnt gym tonight. Hope the drunk drivers decide to stay at their respective parties a little longer tonight.

Cape lust

I have been lusting for a cape for ages. Initially i wanted a velvet full length one, all goth and sweeping.

The truth is short and stubby yours truly will only manage to look like Samwise Gamgee in a long velvet cape, complete with hobbit feet. Yes, my feet are that ugly.

In a moment of crazed ebay bidding i just bought a grey woollen austrian vintage cape. If that didnt sound bad enough, it's 57 quid and has a green trim.

It's crazed, but it looked pretty, and i've been telling myself i need a style revival- buying pieces that i love, but also a little classic in style. I hope it's long enough, i hope the wool isnt scratchy.

Sometimes i really ask myself why.

I'll post a piccie when i get it.

Too much of a good thing

Introspection and quiet music is good, but when i start wallowing i find it difficult to climb out of a funk. The more there is to do, the more time i waste. Like writing useless blog entries because i refuse to call friends to rant. I think it's unfair to put them through all the boring existential crisis depressive shit.

Funny story:

Last thursday i had cycled down, bright and early for my lectures. Arriving all flustered and sweaty i went into one of the 2 lecture theaters in the basement of the hospital. The lecturer was well into the lecture, i kinda slipped in and sat at the nearest available seat. About 2 minutes in i realized something was wrong. The topic of the lecture wasn't right and looking around, there were no familiar faces. Then it dawned- fuck, wrong lecture! I needed to slip out, but i hate bringing attention to myself. I squirmed in my seat and thought it out for 15 minutes before i left. I tried to do it quietly, but that never works. Everyone turns when the door creaks, it's like some collective instinct.

I thought, it's ok, nevermind, bygones~ it could've happened to anyone. Put it past me.

Hah, so i thought.

Today i bumped into one of the Kendo guys at the library. After the usual hellos, he goes, "hey, you went to one of my lectures on thursday, didnt you? And it took you like 15 minutes to realize it was the wrong lecture...."

There had to be someone i know in that lecture. There just had to be that one person who knows me.

Oh well, it could've been worse.

What would life be without funny stories and kawaii senpais who resemble Ruruoni Kenshin. Im awkward around that one- can't seem to figure out why.*Too much of a good thing refers to 'On the bus mall' by the Decemberist that has been playing non-stop on the maky-baby. I'm now moving on to Kanye West's 'Workout video' song. Someone give me something good to listen to.

Im feeling much better

It's the damaging combination of a depressive episode brought on by V-day and school worry compounded by systemic illness from exhaustion and a bug going around.

Blame the winter, blame the cold.

Many many pills and lots of sleep later i wake at 3 am feeling much better. It's quater past 4 now, and i really need to catch up on reading.

As a good friend likes to say, happy midweek!

P/s- i think the Kings of Leon and Queens of the Stone Age would make a cute couple. Name-wise only. Only in name.

I think i over-medicated today

I was so anxious at Kendo today. I was unbelievably twitchy and jumping all over the place.

It sucked. I still suck. Kinda lost a little confidence in myself today.

I hate this- if im off my meds i get lazy, and too much meds i got nuts and hungry. Yeah, these are the prescription meds im taking because i think i have a problem. The doctor doesn't think so, but hey, what do they know?

Yeah, maybe it's all in my head, but bloody hell, they make me feel better, so they must be working, right?

Yeah, maybe im not so happy, faking happy has a way of slapping me back in the face after the farce is over.

I hate being this pathetic person. There's more underlying this, but i'll elaborate when im feeling more eloquent and less like crap.

Later......like 2 in the morning later

Apart from being emotionally shitty, i can't walk properly because i have a massive (3x3 cm) blister on the ball of my left foot and a tiny (in comparison) blister on my right big toe.

Happy Valentine's Day

To those i have loved, currently adore and will love in the future.

Im not hating today , nor am i taking a anti-valentine's stance this year; in spite of being un-attached (as usual).

This is because today is a celebration of love, in all its form. Divine love, family love, for the love of ice-cream- it's all around.

There's no use being angry, if that anger is just gonna fester and make me a horrid person. I might as well share in the happiness and leave the wallowing for when the world runs out of ice-cream or chocolate.

So if im inebriated tonight it's not me drowning my sorrows, im celebrating!

The choice of today's music is a little mellow however, but it is in it's heart a song about love.
Ignore the video. Let your imagine run with it.



But i will not mourn for you
so take off your make-up
and pocket your pills away

Oh god, im scared

I could scare myself thin here

25 things

This tag has been going around facebook and being the self-examining, narcissistic person i am, i thought i'd do it. I'd rather not place it in facebook, so it'll just be here.

So you dont get too bored


here it goes:

1. I'm self absorbed and shallow.

2. I find it terribly difficult to buy watches for myself.

3. I can mess about wikipedia forever.

4. I always make sure i look pretty for Kendo classes, and no, it's not because i still fancy that guy.

5. Today i had too much cheese. It was a four cheese crepe, and it was amazing, but it was just too much of a good thing.

6. I gave myself a short, eyebrow skimming fringe- i cut it over the bathroom sink and it's a little short on the right. I told everyone i got it done at the hairdressers.

7. I cannot hold a drink anymore. A good beer and im up and away. Plus, when im slightly tipsy i am unable to stop drinking and i keep on going, sneakily getting drunker and drunker.

8. I suffer from social awkwardness- a definate social retard. I never know what to say or what to do....

9. I want to live in France for awhile. Also travel South America, live in New York, roadtrip North America and backpack through Asia.

10. I hope to be a great doctor. *Insyaallah*

11. When i was 7, i fancied these 2 boys at the same time. They were best friends. I wonder what happened to them.

12. Im not sure if you guys knew about this boy i totally was into in boarding school, but yeah, i was absolutely smitten, stupidly so. It doesn't matter much now, but i always give his current girlfriend the stare-of-death. And i relish the fact Shazzers doesn't like her. Shazzers is a great judge of character.

13. I wish i cared more about what is happening around the world. I wish i could, would try to make a difference. This is because:

14. "Everything i try to do nothing seems to turn out right" is not only the title of a decemberist tune, but also the tune of my life. It usually ends up great, but just not the way i imagined it ever to be.

15. Somewhere, scattered among pages of autograph books of people i know in boarding school are lists of "things you should know about me". I want to find them again and try to get to know my 17 year old self and see if the 24 year old likes her.

16. I dont want to stop smoking. Yet.

17. I like attention, but im very shy. Paradoxically im very loud, but only when around those im comfortable with. Still, the social retard in me is shy.

18. I need to be a better listener.

19. I forget things easily. I wish i didnt. It's scary when i just don't remember.

20. Geesh, im running outta things to say, and im starting to feel sick from all that cheese at dinner.

21. I like the Pulp song "Anorexic Beauty". I wish i was strong enough to give up a little joy to be thin.

22. I don't really like myself. There's nothing all to special, no real potential- a true waste of space. Mediocrity is a slow death, i've accepted that.

23. i tend to forget to brush my teeth at night.

24. I want someone to say "okairinasai" as a reply to my "tadaima" when i walk through the door. My dad always whistles a "i'm home!" when he arrives. I miss that.

25. Im not very good with the whole giving/expressing/showing love and affection thing. I love cuddles, hugs and kisses; dont believe me if i tell you otherwise. Sometimes i pretend i dont care for all this love stuff just to put on a brave face. But the truth is, a good cuddle and im yours. There's just not enough cuddles in the world. Either that or they need to be more equally distributed.

I dont wanna jinx it and because im superstitious im not going to title this post, "Some things you just cannot lose".

This is because there are things im hoping to lose (fat, my awkwardness) and some things i dont ever want to disappear (good friends, my boobs).

But then i remember that nothing is certain, in exception of death and taxes. Actually, i'll add a few more: they'll always be people better and worse off than you, you'll always need more shoes and it will get better, eventually.

The story that was going to go with the proposed title is about the collection of charms on my shinai bag. I was running for the bus when my charms fell off my bag. There's a lucky prosperity pig, a jade tortoise and a keris key chain ( i had a little poufy pooh bear, but that one disappeared at the last lesson). I realized it had fallen, i looked around me for a minute; but the bus was there and i was running late and it was raining, so i left it and jumped on the bus.

2 hours later on my way home from kendo i thought i'd go look for it anyway. Lo and behold, against all odds, it was there, lying on the pavement! Im gonna attach them firmly on this time, so they wont go falling off again.

On that note, im gonna do some neurology and get some sleep. It's an early start tomorrow.

Oh, and i feel i must tell you my packed lunch for tomorrow: pasta with spinach, ricotta and sun dried tomatoes.

And i also must tell you i have an affliction: an keen interest in cute, vertically-challenged younger men. May i get over this terrible condition.

Enough, enough....to work.

Snowed in?

Artic/Russian winds have brought freezing cold and a thick blanket of snow over london. Tubes are down, cars are slipping in the snow, there are NO busses, but my gosh, its GORGEOUS!

We managed to make a mini snowman (with a carrot for a willy :P) last night, as well as snow angels and snow ball fights.

Later we nestled in our friends flat for hot chocolate and lemon cookies (which were just made by yours truly).

Im hiking through snow to get to class today. Im giving myself an hour!

Motivation

If, and ONLY if i dont spend more than 20 quid on food this week AND i lose ONE kilo in weight

I get to buy.......



It has real working speakers....I have 4 colors to choose from- yellow, hot pink, grey or black....hmmm.....

I am also susceptable to *luv*

The recent bad spat has resulted in some lovely gifts of music.
Thanks.

Sunday morning is foggy and cold. I have kendo in 2 hours. They are plannning to work us into the ground.

But i am contented happy for now.



I write like im on twitter.