Envy and desire

She's lovely. Really she is.
Everytime, after i sit and talk with her, i come back the green eyed monster.
She has everything i desire. Everything. I want to be her. I want all that she has.

It used to be that my envy worked to my advantage. It motivated me, kept me working hard. I watched others and the happiness they had, and i work to achieve that. Now, my envy has reduced me to a stupid girl who thinks life is unfair. I stopped counting my blessings and just comparing what other have that i dont. Why have i sunk so low? It's because i've tried. And i still dont have half of what all those girls had. Those beautiful, perfect girls who i've known since i could remember. The girl at my playschool gym who had the prettiest dresses, the loveliest hair and all the cool girls as her gang. Melissa, who in kindergarden got into the choir and i didnt. That girl who got first place in class when i only managed third. The girls primary school who were smarter and prettier. Those girls who could jump higher and do better at games. There i worked so hard, to be as good as them. I never was. I pretended to be tough to show this 'im great and you arent' shell to the other kids. Truth was i was actually really vunerable and no one knew.

And in secondary school it just got worse. I became a bitch just so that i didnt have to admit anyone was better than me. I tried everything: sport, intellectual pursuits, even rebelliousness; hoping against hope that i would find something i was amazing at. I was always the mediocre one-yeah, i did ok in everything, but excelled at nothing. I had friends who were amazing, and now they're off doing amazing things with their lives and im stuck here trying to be a doctor.

The situation hasnt changed much since kindergarden. I still am that loner freak girl-with friends that are all off doing things that I want to do; and never quite achieving anything substantial. I use the word friends loosely in this context. Friends here mean people i know and people who for the most part allowed me to hang about them (sometimes they dont even realize im there).

Sometimes, i wonder why i exist. This is an extrapolation from the theory that art imitates life. If life was the greatest movie ever made (producer/director: God), what part would i play? Im no lead actor, perhaps just a supporting actor (lucky even to be that). Most probably an extra. Inconsequential.

Mayhaps im being greedy, but i really want to be the lead actor in my own life. Im tired of being in the sidelines, in the background.

I want the leading man. I want the wonderful supporting actors. I want the drama, i want the lit all. I want life to be like The O.C and i want to be Marissa. That's what she is. She is the little queen of her own world. She is not just one person. She encompasses all those girls who have it all. Beauty, money, body, brains and boys. Some even have talent. However much i tell myself i hate them, the ugly festering truth is I WANT TO BE THEM. I'm been so wrapped up in this obsession that its like a cancer in me. I feed it with all my envy and desires. The cancer is growing and one day its gonna kill me. The symptoms are all there: im so self-absorbed, caught up in my little miserable world with no sense of perspective. The self-harm, the self-hate and the quiet obsession. I use to be strong, use the envy to my advantage. Now i merely submit to it.

I know as much-I have to stop this. This sick twisted desire for a life cannot have. To be a person i never could. My envious thoughts and stupid hatred of her disgust me. It's that part of me that is now becoming so strong. It's taking over my life insidiously. The longer, the deeper i let the envy fester, the worse i will become. Im already slipping, and soon i may fall.