Pretty Henley

I'm back from Henley. I must say its gorgeous. Such a quaint and pretty English town. I even had my first stay in an English village and an English bed and breakfast.

There was much drama getting to friend B's house on friday. Much drama and much money spent. If they had told me earlier i could've saved a good deal of money, but they didnt, and it was all a mess. B's house is only an hour plus away on the train. It's in a village, so we had to be picked up in a car. It was already dark and it was pouring. The drive was quite precarious. Narrow roads and fast cars.....I was worried if a cow strayed on the road.

Unpacked, dressed and proceeded to the pub (8 squished into a 7 seater-not all that bad really). My dad called as we were driving down to Henley-he finds it amusing that i was on the way to the pub; so typically dad. I love dad though and i miss him loads.
Pub was the usual, i was relegated to the non-drinking-games table. Talked to loads of people and it was nice. Went back about 12.30, had tea and my brownies-slept at about one. Three of us shared a double bed and i got the edge. Didnt sleep well at all, i was haunted by dreams and this feeling of falling off a cliff. I was actually falling off the edge of the bed. Woke up too early, dressed, and had massive amounts of toast and tea.
Then the rowing began. The whole weekend took a nosedive from here.
I rowed in every single outing-that was because they thought i was shit and needed practise. All the coaches were screaming at me from the banks-i was just horrible. I was doing it all wrong-all of it. It wasnt just the slides, it was my finishes, it was my timing, it was everything. I felt real shitty. The girl behind me just went,"for fuck's sake" when i was early for the catch the uptenth time. I imagine the rest of the experienced crew thinks the same. They never let me out with the experienced crew. I was put in the same boat as the freshers. That's how nasty i was.
Undenialbly Henley is a lovely stretch of river to row. The water is flat and clean-even the current is a pleasent push. River houses line the bank, there were nice grassy bits and the scenery was amazing. Straight out of a postcard. Even the sun came out and the rain stayed away. Cold as it was, the sun warmed us up nicely. Rowing kept me warm as well, so it was just perfect setting for one of the worst emotional 'downs' ive had in a while.
I felt so out of place. I always did at rowing events but it was more acute this time. The pain of rejection was sharp, like a paper-cut. So small it's hardly visible; but my god did it hurt. If i could row well maybe the weirdness of being the only rower girl that is ugly and fat wouldnt have been so bad. I call it wierdness, but its for the lack of a better word. Its a combination of humiliation, sadness and anger. And a load of other emotions thrown in as well.
The rowing just made me feel horrible. It made me feel so fat, so inadequate, so stupid. I'm even at a physical disadvantage-because my legs are short i dont get a long enough stroke. I didnt do anything right all weekend. It was physical, mental and emotional torture. I had to stroke the boat last year and the truth is i am a crap rower. Everyone from last year was doing so well. They werent screamed at, instead getting praise from the banks. I was ready to cry in the boat. Emotionally now i'm a wreck. I dont blame the rowing-it's been bubbling underneath, but this weekend jut brought all my insecurities into the light. I didnt even do to well socially. Im not interesting or funny. Im not even beautiful (i'll sell my soul just to be pretty, doesnt even have to be beautiful). At least if i were pretty (minimum) i could sit there and be eye candy. And people may like me. But no, i have no charm, wit or converational skill. I wanted to die at the curry. I was the boring wall flower, while everyone else was having so much fun.
I know what's going to happen if i stay. Nothing. I can work hard, but its no good. Nobody will notice. Im not even a fly on the wall, im the paint on the wall. No one notices me. Im just that fat girl about. Im sure half of them dont know my name and probably wont recognize me on the street. I was thinking last year that i may get a post if i put in time and effort. Look where that got me. Half the time in the boat i was contemplating quitting. I'm still upset. Not at anyone, but at myself. Im just so stupid. I cant do anything. I will try and work hard, but it will come to naught. Nothing, i tell you. Rowing is going to be one of things that ive tried and just sucked at-like everything else ive tried in life. Now i remember why i was so suicidal. There's nothing to look forward to really but a life of failure. Im sad now, and my throat's all swelled up like im gonna cry-but ive run out of tears years ago. I keep on forgetting how pointless it is to try. My life will never have meaning. It wont. It just wont. I've tried for so long and i've failed so many times. And i just pick up, superglue bits of me that are broken and try again. To no avail.
I digress. I always do-sometimes even midsentence.
Back to Henley- i injured my back (i suspect sciatica- the pain radiated from my lower back down my right leg-a white blinding pain) on the second outing saturday. I managed to get row back but i was in pain all night. The curry later was expensive, but yummy. Portions were generous and loads of people didnt finish theirs; which i proceeded to help myself. My Balti was quite hot but i finished every bit of it. I was hungry-didnt have a proper lunch-just loads of biscuits and bananas. Skipped the pub on the excuse of the injury-truth was i felt a bit outta place, fat and ugly that evening. Oh, and i started reading the book 'chocolat' at the room. Didnt make it too far-i was asleep soon enough. Exhaustion is good-at least i dont dream. The truth is sad and scary. I dont need much of that nowadays. I want to live my beautiful deluded lie that i've thought out for myself. That i can be amazing, i'm fun, interesting, funny and i could change the world if i tried. It's lie, but i try to believe it. It works most of the time, but sometimes, when the light shines just so, it exposes truths i refuse to believe. So, i close my eyes and lie to myslef all over again.
Got up late in the morning-but had a sumptuous breakfast: sweet tea, cereal, milk, eggs, fried tomatoes and loads of toast. Did i mention the B&B we stayed at was gorgeous? Its an old schoolhouse, painted a lively deep red, inside and out. The rooms had massive beds, herbal tea and ensuite showers. Absolutely lovely. Has the most comfortable beds ever! My back wasnt fucked up in the morning and as (i suspect) as punishment for trash rowing i had to do two outings this morning. Still couldnt row properly, but at least i survived. Im tempted to quit now-there are too many rowers in the 2nd team and i really am the worse of the whole lot.....so.....I'll think about it. I actually like rowing-for the reasons difficult to explain, but i feel that i'm not doing myself or the team any favours by staying in the club. I'll ponder it another day.......
The trip back was uneventful and it cost a third of the trip there.
Tired and hungry as i walked back. Had no money either. Thank god for R. He had hosted lunch earlier and i was invited......Couldnt make it in time for lunch, but woke him from a nap to eat left over arabiatta sauce (manage to get some mussels and prawns) with a slice of toast (nicked of A- thanks!) and tong sui. And muruku. R took good care of me too......thanks mate! Crawled back and have been whining for the past hour.
Really wanna finish off Chocolat-it's a beautiful book, full of magic and sweet delights. And you know i love chocolate. The stuff keeps me alive. Just made a bid on for the book on ebay. About 3 quid, its worth it for a book i want. Hopefully it'll get here soon!