Scrubs moment

Hung over, i was walking down the connecting tunnel between the new hosp and the old one. My project just blown out the water, and a tonne of work for me to do over the weekend.

I spot Dr Boy coming in the opposite direction. He looks nice- he's wearing a shirt today (not like i've seen him shirtless, but he is usually in scrubs).

I look terrible. Hair greasy in a big bun, big glasses on (i hope he has a big glasses fetish because i always am in big glasses when i see him) and in ugly scrubs, feeling stressed out of my head and fat as an obese hippo.

I look up as we walk pass each other. He says hi. I say hi. Ah, the death of flirting.

He looks well nice, and ugh, I feel sick- wave of nausea from my hangover.

I overtake a porter pushing a bed.

"i'm so tired, can i get a ride?"

"jump on then...."

"really?! ok!"

And i jump on the bed and the porter pushes the bed along the corridor with me on it. I'm laughing away, kicking me legs, having a good giggle.

I jump off and take the back entrance to the unit. At least there's still reason to laugh.

Just like glass, with no ring

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disasters
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once your broken shape won't matter

I jog, i run, i hurt

I have been jogging for the last few weeks pretty intensely- i've been running on and off all year since august, but recently it's been 4 times a week, 3 mile jogs. My best for 3 miles is 40 minutes. On a bad day i walk the route and it's slightly less than an hour.

Slow, but considering i dont run, that's pretty decent me thinks.

And i throw in about 50 suburi and some yoga stretches this makes it to a 90 minute exercise thing. Sometimes. When im motivated and didn't smoke too much.

I kinda do do it because i wanna lose weight, but i do it more because it give me a sense of achievement i cant get from work or other aspects of my life.

But now im tired. My legs ache, my knees burn and i get calf cramps. Im soooo tired. All the time.

They say i look better for it and truth is, i feel better for all the running. I look forward to it most days- i've toned the intensity down the last few days, i've been so tired i've not been able to do much in the evenings.

I am desperate for a distraction in life- something to look forward to at the end of a long day at work that is not food, a jog or music. I need a pet. Something to love, yo. Something that would love me back (it's slightly frustrating feeling lonely in a room full of people and having only a 6 inch high soft-as-anything purple hippo named Jeffrey to cuddle).

I have no idea what this song means- but the sexy french man drinks from jars too!!!

Hurt

If it's all in my head, how am i going to fix it? What if the problem is me; that i am flawed, broken?

Cry movie

I laughed at you when you said you cried while watching shutter island. I thought my dad was a silly sap for crying during Khabi kushi Khabi gam (dont judge) and titanic.

I cried at the ending of The Japanese Wife.
It broke my heart yo.

The premise is a little cringe-worthy and improbable; but the art of enjoying a film is in immersing oneself in it and suspending belief/rational thought/sense for 2 hours.

***spoiler alert***

A man in a village in india decides to marry his pen-friend in japan. Via post. The movie is told by a narrative reading their letters, written in halting English. They can't have a proper conversation via the telephone- they struggle to understand each other's accent and he doesn't have a telephone in his house. He calls her from the local IDD centre in town. She sends him a silver ring with her name engraved on it as a wedding band and he sends her kum-kum powder and wedding bangles.

They write to each other for 17 years. They never meet. They stay loyal.

She gets cancer, he sends her vedic herbs through the post. He catches pneumonia during the monsoon and dies through lack of antibiotics. She survives chemo and in the end travels to his village- wearing a widow's white and the bangles he sent her.

Why did i well up? Cos the universe isn't fair. There is no happy ending. These two people didn't get a break. I cried for love unfulfilled, love unrequited and lack of basic medical care. People should not die from lack of antibiotics.

It's a beautiful film, well acted, story well told.

So i'm a soppy romantic at heart- you probably knew that already.

Oh dear

I hate change.

I dont deal well.

I need a brain transplant- i feel so stupid at my job.

Ok, ok. need to get act together.

I wonder, will I survive a zombie apocalypse....?

Oliver Peoples make the best ads ever. And the glasses aren't bad either.

A perfect start to a lazy weekend morning.

I have a duck to roast and accompaniment to make, parents to call and an audit to get to work on, but listening to this, i can relax for awhile.

Dreamy.

It doesn't even matter that my neck hurts like a bitch from Kendo.

that lasted a minute. im back to being sad.

Some songs sing it as it is.

Now, to find a song that describes now around me people are living the dream as i slowly die of boredoom.



anyone can tell you there’s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there’s no place to hide
there’s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn’t make it,
the ones who couldn’t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

Gintama is coming back. Otaku-Lizzy, ON!

Happy!

It's nice how there are people who feel the same way. Less lonely.

i need to be in work in 15 minutes

But i have to tell you about that night.

There was drinking, there was lots of it; but i have never had no memory; absolute total blackness with no recollection of what happened.

I came home with no shoes and no handbag. I lost my iphone and my favourite lipstick and lipgloss. I lost my visa card.

My friends lost me for hours. I actually disappeared.

I have bruises i cannot account for.

This is the last time i will speak of it, because it haunts me that i lost all control. I was not myself at all. I don't remember a thing.

Today

We'll try do some sit ups

care

be efficient

less procrastination

and be a little less angry.

im learning who i am, but i really don't like her.

She's a faker.

7 deadly sins: Envy

I'm down with another bout of tonsilitis; i should really get those buggers out but i know what they do to you when you're under. Plus, im too obese for regular theater tables so until i lose weight sufficiently im gonna have to soldier on and get over these infections. Bloody immune system-get working!

But i digress from the main issue.

Envy. There's this hadith (i can't verify it, but i like it, so im gonna use it): “Avoid envy, for envy devours good deeds just as fire devours fuel.”

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Oh how i covet. I drown in envy- i wallow in it.

I feel happy for them, im glad that fortune smiles upon them, but God help me, i can't help but hate them, a little bit. I want what they have.

I agonise over how they have what i want, what i lack. Sometimes there is even flares of petty meaness- i am needlessly harsh; i do things to subtly lash back at the unfairness of the world. And the victims are my friends, the people i envy are the people i love.

How can someone have so much when i have so little. How things come so easy for some people- how is it that something so easy and ordinary for them is difficult and impossible for me?

What a terrible human being i must be to hate someone for their good fortune- the envy makes my soul ugly. It's stained with schadenfreude, anger and petty envy. I think all my good karma has probably gone down the drain because i live with so much hate and unhappiness.

It's a evil cycle i cant quit.

My life sucks
and
Their life rocks, kicks ass, full of fucking fireworks
and
I watch their lives
and
Green eyed monster rears its head
and
Envy makes me a bitter unhappy person
thus we are back to
My life sucks.

FML

This one's from the holy book

"And do not covet what we bestowed upon any other people. Such are temporary ornaments of this life, whereby we put them to the test. What your Lord provides for you is far better, and everlasting."

i'm a little drunk and i need you now

Fat day

Surgeons are harsh on fat people.

I have heard consultants comment that "they always get the one tonne house officer" and everyone take the piss on fatties all the time.

I can't help but think they are talking about me.

It is silly that i think im too fat and ugly to be doing surgery?

A post-drunk post or what the fuck am i doing drinking so much?

She tells me a song about unrequited love reminds her of me.

It was lots of fun last night- im up at 0930 the next day, putting totally defrosted chicken nuggets and wedges into the oven (hungover breakfast- sweet!) and nibbling on doritos and dip.

Yes it's a sunday, and that's what sundays are for- but i did the exact same thing thursday. Given, i've had the week off and have slept as much as i can sleep and do kendo and watch telly- but i haven't done anything.

Last night i was ridiculously dressed and drunk, but still together enough to fight with my housemate about the texting someone, stop the rest of the girls from drinking more (while i coasted to the bar for another one) and find random people's keys.

Actually, the plot of this post have moved off an tangent.

I want to tell about the small moments of loneliness and hopelessness i felt last night. I think it's pretty profound because at that point i having fun, and suddenly I was gripped by this overwhelming, chocking sensation of loneliness. The hopelessness came after, when i realised that this might be IT.  Work, drink, come home to my match box room and then back to work.  Throw in a random movie night with the girls. For a more melodic and eloquent description of this listen to Lily Allen's 22.

Hypothetically, if i was lying drunk somewhere and strangers were trying to call someone to get me- i wouldn't know who i would tell them to call. I wouldn't know who to call if i ended up in prison.

I kinda understand why some people i know who have successful, established careers and what seems like good lives overseas end up home.

I'll revise my plea: if you have any say in the way the universe is run, please put in a word so that this girl will be loved and looked after.

Pining

because shaz, i wish you were here for a drunkend discussion about why im pining.

Pining, it's a wierd word, innit.

Putain, im sooooo drunk, it's  a little sad the right man is not here.  And im listening to sheila on 7's berhenti berharap because that's what i should do- stop hoping.

Where is he? Why was he not fucking there? WHy?Im so angry! Angry and drunk. Bad combination.

My head is spinning. I put my sick housemate home and took  cab out again and then headed out to party. Fccking betrayal. Im such a bitch, so shoot me. Still it's not worth it- cos the right man isnt there.

Im not even entirely sure he is the right man, but he will do for now. Putain de merde de bordello. Putain! Merde!

A drunk lizzy is an honest lizzy, a horny lizzy and an angry lizzy. Like my daddy taught me, drunks and babies dont lie

If you have any say in the way the universe is run, please try and get me and this 6'3, non-medicine, non-surgery dark haired man together; and pray that he is not sleeping with his female friend who is far taller, prettier and has nicer hair than me.

Resolutions for 25th January

I will call my mother more.

I will plan. Plan my life, my holidays, my laundry.

I will wash my bras by hand. Or on a gentle wash in the machine (refer to planning laundry)

I must moisturise, daily.

I will ask for and accept help. There is more love around than you know.

I must exercise, daily.

There was a mention of the dreaded V-day coming up next month.

From my favourite anti-valentine's day website:

Be My Anti-Valentine

 

I truly fear this will be my fate. Promise that if you are my friend you'll invite me over once and awhile so i don't die of loneliness. 

Are looks everything?

My (lack of) personality has probably lost me this one. I keep on going back to it, but life is so dull i have nothing else to analyze to death.

I had this conversation with a male friend:
"so what if someone's hot? I think lots of people are hot- i don't go after them. He's just not into you."
"He's just not that into me?"
"Honey- he's not even THAT into you; he's not into you AT ALL"

Ouch. That hit a sore spot.

Happy new year

It's my friend's 30th birthday today. It's my new year.

I think CSA started the trend of celebrating a personal new year, as opposed as calendar one.

I'm not hopeful, im not optimistic. I'm depressed, again.
Will this year be better than the last- i doubt it.
Will I lose all the weight- no.
Is there any reason to go on- just 3. wait, actually it's 4. Just 4 reasons why i bother.

All i ask for is to not disappoint; myself, the 'rents and the people who depend on me. There are rules to this year, we'll plop the in the sidebar. I'll add to them as the year goes.....see how many things i can come up with.

I haven't listened to a long december in awhile.

I listen to miserable stuff because misery is a feeling.

Mystery and magic

I could use a bit more mystery and magic in my (personal) life.

Work life is full of mystery- why is the potassium dropping, how do pneumatic pods work......among other things. Magic abounds- how people get well when we've done absolutely nothing and how some people look so well when their blood tests look so bad.

The day-to-day on goings are far more mundane. There is little sparkle, only cold. Le garçon is nowhere to be seen; i eat lots because R* has to have 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches and tea. God knows what he eats at home. And he's complaining that he's losing weight. I'm barely able to keep the weight off, that's with lots of pills and exposure (to the cold, burns more calories)

I guess you could call it mystery: where has le garçon gone? Did he see me in town? Does he think my bum looks that big in those trousers? There is a little magic as well- my seniors bought me lunch that day and i bumped into my housemate's crush's best mate today- who i cordially invited to our Christmas party. He said he'll bring himself and housemate's crush along. Well done Liez!

After sunday's incident housemate think's i'm a total social retard. Hence the congratulatory note; to myself.

Actually, i'd settle for more magic. Mystery makes things complicated.

* I work with R. We are 2/3 of the surgical house officer team.

Oh, oh.....and music. Listen to this. It's amazing. If you have uber-amazing headphones that pick up on every sound, put them on.  This is a slow build eargasm. The video is pretty too.

When somebody wants something, the whole Universe conspires in their favour. The warrior of light knows this.

- Paulo Coelho, Manual of the Warrior of Light -

I take a deep breath as i ask the Universe: let me have this one.

I will not let this one pass. Because i deserve this, because i want it. I will not say no when the Universe gives me the opportunity- i will embrace the chances im given.

I will be brave, i will be bold.

I will be fearless- there is nothing to lose. 

And she asks, "IS THE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!"

I was wearing my spotty woolly tights, my warm 'burlap sack' multicoloured, striped big jumper, purple wellies and my hobbit cape.

Happy and filled with buying-the-perfect-gift promise i walked along the highstreet.

And there you were, in my peripheral vision. Well i think it was you. Standing alone in the cold, smoking.

I hesitated. It took me half a second to kick the proverbial cute big-eyed gift puppy into the gutter.

I walked away. It took me about 10 seconds to regret it. Too late, I can't walk back.

At least i got gifts for my dad and brother. Shit, i forgot the chocolates. Oh fuck. *Double face palm*
There is something wrong with me.

Love

if you ask me why i do anything.....i tend to say, 'for love'.

Have you read Love in the Time of Cholera? It's a lush book- reading it is like drowing in treacle and honey- slow and sticky sweet.

What i liked was that he loved all of them- not in the same way, but it was love. It's difficult to say what love is- a mixed bag of affection, sexual attraction, adoration, loyalty, trust, camraderie, friendship.....and whatever else.

and when i say i do it for love- it means i do it because i want to make you and yours happy. You being happy give me a sense of joy and purpose in the world.

And this is why i love.

Mushaboom by Feist. When i hear it i think of you Shazzers! It's my sunday morning tune today. It's blanketed white outside, gorgeous snow!

Dharma

I bumped into the concept of dharma recently- having always believed in the laws of karma (my own personal interpretation involving the wisdom of God and 'fairness' in everything that happens). 

What i knew of dharma was nothing except the show Dharma and Greg where Dharma was the hippie blond chick with the straight laced guy.

Apparently the Bhagavadgita has an in-depth explaination of dharma (which i have yet to bring myself to read- thanks for the copy, Wenxian).

Since i take explainations that i like (and somewhat ignore those i dont), im gonna go with this one.

There are 3 paths of salvation- one of them is dharma. It's fulfilling one's role in the universal scheme of things- following a personal path that will lead to personal salvation as well as upholding 'rightousness'; within that maintaining harmony in the world.

There is a deeper explaination of dharma- as meditated on by Buddha; but it is too late and too much to ponder on- now.

I like the idea that each us of has our own 'dharma'- our role to play in the world and in finding it and fulfilling it we are keeping the universe and ourselves in balance.

Ruined reputation

I showed up to work an hour and a half late on sunday. My alarm died and i was out partying till 4 am.

So hungover. I was useless that day.

Im still useless.

The so called 'mission' was an epic fail because the one person that should've been there wasn't. So i got utterly wasted instead. Utterly butterly.

the next 4 months i have to try and redeem myself. And not party when im working weekends.

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” 

Vaclav Havel

Day 3 atas panggilan (on-call)

Hmmmm......still feel fairly incompetent. Not cryingly incompetent, but a quiet desperate hum in the background that's a buzzing that indicates im not exactky sure what is going on.

That just sounds like me everyday of my life.

So, the moral of the day:

1. GP patient summaries are useless. Try calling NOK if any doubt, but it's hard. Hard hard. Confused little ladies are tough.

2. Look up: criteria to CT head.

3. Risk factors for PE and well's score. Virchow's triad: hypercoagubility, stasis and vessel injury. + PMH of DVT or PE
   Well's score (thanks wiki)

• clinically suspected DVT - 3.0 points
• alternative diagnosis is less likely than PE - 3.0 points
• tachycardia - 1.5 points
• immobilization/surgery in previous four weeks - 1.5 points
• history of DVT or PE - 1.5 points
• hemoptysis - 1.0 points
• malignancy (treatment for within 6 months, palliative) - 1.0 points

Traditional interpretation^[5][6][11]

• Score >6.0 - High (probability 59% based on pooled data^[12])
• Score 2.0 to 6.0 - Moderate (probability 29% based on pooled data^[12])
• Score <2.0 - Low (probability 15% based on pooled data^[12])

Alternate interpretation^[5][8]

• Score > 4 - PE likely. Consider diagnostic imaging.
• Score 4 or less - PE unlikely. Consider D-dimer to rule out PE.

Scoring system for DVT

1. Active cancer (treatment within last 6 months or palliative) -- 1 point
2. Calf swelling >3 cm compared to other calf (measured 10 cm below tibial tuberosity) -- 1 point
3. Collateral superficial veins (non-varicose) -- 1 point
4. Pitting edema (confined to symptomatic leg) -- 1 point
5. Swelling of entire leg - 1 point
6. Localized pain along distribution of deep venous system—1 point
7. Paralysis, paresis, or recent cast immobilization of lower extremities—1 point
8. Recently bedridden > 3 days, or major surgery requiring regional or general anesthetic in past 4 weeks—1 point
9. Previous documented DVT-1 point.
10. Alternative diagnosis at least as likely—Subtract 2 points

4. Heart failure- diagnosis and treament.

5. Cellulitis- criteria for IV abx.

6. Must carry spare pens on person. Had emergency of no pens with a consultant. Im so blond.

7. Must make a point to drink water and have a biccie after each long clerking. If i didn't wish i was dead so much i'd wish i was a robot. Being human is tres difficile.

Someday, i will be intelligent and self-assured and then, everything will be better. Day 2 oncall

Ward cover was awful. I wanted to cry. I actually had a proper mope when i got home. And then had a mini emotional/mental breakdown in my kitchen, binged on undercooked pies and brussel sprouts. Slept on my sofa and pissed of my housemates.

Lessons from today:

1. Be faster and more through.

2. Start planning work early.

3. Do not get distracted. Nurses must be handled. Use the DR power. Do not pander to anyone. No one.

4. The 6 Ps of ischaemis: pallor, pulselessness, perishing cold, parathesia, pain and paralysis. Ischaemic foot on my watch, yo. At least i spotted it. Remember risk factors: AF, coagulopathy.

5. If an ABG is venous, say it. Or else ITU will scream down the phone at you.

6. Follow your gut instincts. If you think someone is a CO2 retainer, he probably is. Don't wait for repeat ABG. Just watch out for a flap.

7. Use your brain. And more chocolate bars for oncalls. Especially weekends. And water bottles.

8. Work on ECG skills.

9. THINK, THINK, THINK!!!

"A trainee Dr is like a light bulb - not measured by how bright they are but by how much they can illuminate everyone that surrounds them."

If only, if only.

A smile at work today!

It doesn't follow the theme, but this might be seem familiar to those who know me well. Down to the facial expression and posturing. Im such a squidward.

I dont want to believe it!

I hate when astrology readings tell me things i don't like. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

I hate it when i hear things like:

Ruler of 6th house in 4th:

You feel secure when you are working, for it fills your emotional need to serve and be needed.  Your most fulfilling task is to stay "home". Mundanely, you love to be involved in domestic projects, and put your greatest energy into your home and family.

Mundanely......mundanely! Me, mundanely domestic goddess?! Wah, must get someone to pray and change my fate.....

Day one oncall

I think i get to caught up in my own misery to be a doctor. Too introspective, to self-involved.

I hate saying that i'm a doctor. Because i feel like a faker- i dont actually know what im doing.

Need to stop wallowing in my own my misery and expending neurons of being depressed and instead, use my brain THINK.

I just need to apply myself.

Lessons from today:

1. Better systems review!!

2. Bring pen torch- and do proper cranial nerves!!! Dont forget visual fields, sensory inattention and cranial nerve 12. Really liez!

3. Chloprodiaproxide 10 mg PO QDS +PRN for DTs! And pabrinex is I +II OD (IV!!)

4. Headaches- types and sorts!!

5. Symptoms of salicylate and paracetamol OD.

6. Happiness is something i need to find in myself.

Quote

From an earlier blog entry:

"I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do. "

I've not seen my flirt buddy in weeks. It's like there's no fate, no red strings. Coincidence or chance not being kind to me or God just telling me, 'patience, child'.

Bukan sedih, tetapi bosan. A more bereft sort of bosan, like a little bit of my daily joy is missing. It doesn't feel as bad as it makes my life dull. I also kinda miss glowing.

*switch to gossip mode*

apparently said boyo was seen making his way outta the nearby woods with a girl. I know her, and this is entirely possible to be valid gossip. She also wanders the hospital with him. Hmmmmmm....

Can i make a quick mention of Dr Barbie? All intelligent blonde blue eyed girls would wanna be her. Hell, i can't compete. I raised my arms in defeat to long blonde hair, perfect legs and mile long lashes. She be bangin' but not my type. I think i definately look for personality in my women.

Delusions of grandeur / self importance

I am starting to see think my patients (who would be doing fairly ok) tend to die the day after i go out drinking.

My God is not a vengeful God.

that was my first thought after the initial statement crossed my mind. and the fact i think God would sacrifice another human being to warn me of the errors of my ways is very delusional. i must be so full of myself to think God would pay me that much attention.

God is merciful and kind.

Really. there is always much to be thankful for.

i start on calls tomorrow. im so scared that God won't be on my side that i won't even have a cigarette.

God is merciful and kind.

Hmmm... these are some sweet melons

The art of buying melons:

1. Smell them- they've gotta smell sweet.

2. Percuss: it's B-flat.

3. It's gotta feel dense- nice and heavy like.


My friend's mom once told us, "all young people are beautiful".

As i was putting on my warpaint this morning i realized i am one of those girls who wear make-up everyday.

Thanks to certain things said and my hair sorting itself out im beginning to believe that i could be beautiful (with a little bit of help).

Nov 18 is......Have sex with a guy with a moustache day.

You don't say

From urban dictionary

Muppet

1.  A person who defies explanation with regard to common sense and logic, exhubing an air of confidence that is mutually exclusive to that of their accomplishments or ability

2.  General name given to a large cast of bizarre comedy puppets created by the late Jim Henson. While many performed on "The Muppet Show" (and numerous movies and spin-offs) others appeared on the children's television series "Sesame Street."

3.Noun: See entry- Idiot.
"I don't care who you use, as long as they aren't complete muppets." Harry the Hatchet in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, 1998

I had my dresses and my Kocani Orkestar CD sent to my old house. 
I'm having a Bruce Banner moment.


OK, it's over. Now i just have to go pick up stuff.

Caroline you're angry cos you sleep like a spinster and you're 28

You've been thinking late, you couldn't catch a cold

-raincoat song, decemberists-

I hope i dont catch a cold. Just wanna catch a man to keep the bed warm.

Im tired and i have hip pain and i should quit jogging and stop taking pills that give me the runs and tummy cramps but this girl is kinda dedicated.

I like my routines, but i like it just a wee bit more than i like not being in pain and having a happy tummy.

My dresses aren't here yet, im still so fat and ugly and it's fucking cold outside.

If i sleep i should sleep forever.

Dream

I dreamt i was accepted to an exclusive scholarship program with a dozen people i know.

On the second day of the program, the coordinator comes up to me and says, 'your application for this program is contested and is in the process of being rejected'

I took that decision well, in my dream.

I fell asleep after my run in the fog and cold last night. I was hungry but sleep won- my snack was left on the table. I have recurring visions when i go on these jogs of big iron nails being hammered into the back of my neck, my temples and shoulders. Like how you kill a pontianak.

That and a slightly scary demi-wish that i get hit by a car and get killed instantly. But i still look before i cross.

I wake scared this morning of the coming day.

I will embrace happiness.

Tomorrow.

Now i'll go jog.

"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

Human, All Too Human;  Friedrich Nietzsche

This is my escapism

My love for Interpol has grown slowly- an initial curiousity pushed by friends, a missed concert and lots of listens later i can say im a bit if a fan.

I listen to Interpol to cheer up- a friend said this is ironic seeing the content/lyrics of their songs. I've now got Narc on loop. I loved the sound of it, didn't realize it was about sex. Im not sure exactly what the story is; but the opening chords are magic. The ending lines- 'You should be in my space, you should be in my life, you could be in my space' sung in Paul Bank's perfect hopeful/desperate/pleading manner is just what i want say (but will never be able to. Im giving up on hoping)

But this post is about sharing. And how i dont care for it when it comes to the people i love. I use love loosely here- as clearly Romance has left me out of her list for another quater.

Im possesive, slightly obsessive and prone to crazy jealousy (i might not make it apparent, but i am). Im better now, but maybe it's because no one has been mine in a long-long time. I've taken to being a bleeding heart, thinking if i just keep loving, giving they'll love me back just as much, or more. It doesn't work and i just keep going because i want to be a matyr. And this is why i self-destruct and rebuild everytime just to start all over again.

It was nice; sitting in your car parked outside my house, listening to songs i knew but couldn't remember.

This is from postsecret this week. It reminded me about what your friend said.

For she was not as ordered as people thought, but she did have her own desperate method for appearing to do so; she hid the disorder.

-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez-

Because if i dont laugh, i'll just cry.

This is for my medics.

I have a presentation to the consultants in hours and i am looking forward to a sleepless night of bronchiectasis.
The Decemberist's Sleepless plays on the computer:

Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
You're weary, lay him down
You did your time so thank you very much
Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
So now your hopes are all laid
But you hand it all away

It's funny cos that's what they tell me to do all the time at work- hand patients over and go home. I still only go home at 7. Im slow, that's why. The others complain cos they don't have work. 

I want my flirt buddy back. Work's no fun with no flirt.


Oh and did i tell you my keys fell into the gutter during my run today? Of all the places my keys had to jump out of my pocket, at just that spot on the road and had to fall between the bars.....

Im still shit scared of living. I jumped at my own shadow today. 

Here’s the truth

I have no clue what I’m doing in my life.
Im so scared of tomorrow, of deadlines, of bosses, of angry patients, of everyone I’ve failed.

I don’t want to face my failures.

Im don’t know how to deal with loss. I just block it off into a part of me I don’t look into often. I’m a robot- I don’t feel, I don’t think- I just do. My uncle just passed away Monday- I went out shopping. I should’ve sat and prayed. I haven’t prayed properly in awhile. I haven’t even truly accepted that Dadi is gone.

Im still expecting to see her when I go home next week. I want her to tell me again to always pray, give money to charity and comb my hair. It struck me today that there are only 2 people left in the world who still call me “Gebot”.

I still hurts that I am no use to my family. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to make things better if I was there, but I assume there is some merit in being physically there- even if it is just to get in the way.

Im continually sad, ever-angry at myself for failing to be good enough.

I’m losing my friends, im losing my intelligence, any ability for coherent thought.

There’s this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I try, and try, and fail. I’m so scared to try. Im so scared to disappoint more people, to make trouble for others. I feel my existence is an imposition to the happiness/functioning of those around me.

I want to be good, I wanna be great. I want so much. But I know I cannot have it. So why even try?

I hate that I continually whinge about my own misery- Im so self-absorbed it’s boring.

I continually apologize for everything: for being boring, for being whiny, for being alive. I even apologize for wanting to be great- who am i to even dream of greatness?

BD runs

I am gonna try fitting in runs/jogs/exercise twice a day now.

It's cos in the pass few weeks the topic of the size of my thighs and the shortness of my skirts have been cropping up.

I like my short skirts. I dont like my thighs. We know which one needs to go.

The christmas party is coming. One month, 10 kgs, little dress.

The days are long and my faith is running short

Im feeling some classic Placebo tunes today. I relate, feel that my the words resonate with my life.  Just without the drugs, drama, violence, love and sex.

Life is dull, so dull it hurts.

You are one of god's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches.
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space. 

Fall into you
Is all I seem to do
When I hit the bottle
Cuz I'm afraid to be alone

As the anger fades
This house is no longer a home

Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting
And everything that's true
Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting

Because I want you to

My memory's hazy
And I'm afraid to be alone
 

As the headache fades
This house is no longer a home

You're always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posess every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You're the monkey i've got on my back
That tells me to shine
You're always ahead of the pack
While i drag behind.

There's this odd need to feel pain today. My run failed so i didn't get my serotonin boost. I was whingy and mopey last week and my housemate threatened to 'slap me till i forget my name' which actually is an intriguing idea......

But hey, let's Rob Thomas sing exactly how i feel:

Strong enough

I found Sheryl Crow's CD Tuesday Night Music Club when i was about 11 or 12. It's my daddy's. He doesn't love it as much as i do.

I still love most of the songs in it. When i was younger i dreamed i'd be cool enough to be down and out and drinking beer in a bar with a man named William. 

That i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

Here i am at 25 still thinking the same thing. That one day i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

I've been going back to the good old nineties because i had such hope then. I think, I dont know anymore nowadays.

Im losing it. I've always been losing it. But just a little bit more today.

So run baby run.

Jai Guru Deva Om

I didnt't realize that 'across the universe' had a sanskrit phrase in it.

Victor/Praise to the God (Teacher) Divine.

I have learnt a painful lesson today. I think i may have caused someone's death.

I feel terrible. 

There's little i can say here but that im sorry (they tell us we should never apologize because then we get sued because we've accepted blame).

Im so sorry. This is my lesson, with a terrible price to pay. Rich of me to be whinging about how terrible i feel because when someone's loved one is dead.

Im sorry. I didn't mean it. I was an oversight. Im sorry.

You know, the opening lines to Interpol's C'mere?

Say it with me now:
"It should be me,
 Oh, it should be me"
 
I'm all warm/ fuzzy, confused/comfounded.
Discombobulated.
Out of sorts. 
Kejam sial. Especially when im such an amateur. I have no idea what im doing right/ wrong.

And im sure you know what you're doing, cos if i glow anymore i'd be radioactive.

I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do.

Why we do what we do

He noticed!

He's so gay! Straight boys never notice!!

(it doesn't matter, i still feel that all the effort with the slap and the clothes is worth it!)

*i had a silly smirk on my face all day- people noticed :D*

Later......

in spite of everything, i still have insight into my mania. I love being manic, but it doesn't love me.

Hooking up

My housemates are adamant in trying to find me a man.

This all came about after i decided to cook for one of them since she's on call. Well, she had the day off today and i still made dinner for the both of us- like a good wifey should.
I imagine starting a new knitting project probably sealed the deal.

I had this thought last week and it really scared me: i could be satisfied in being a housewife and raising kids.

Since i've scaled down my expectations for life, being not-unhappy would be enough. Satisfaction is a plus and happiness is something thought and whispered about but never said out loud. Happines would be asking for too much. 

The housemates (and all the people i work with) think i need a good man to go home too. I come in early and stay late at work. I drink too many coffees (our cafe makes a divine americano-extra strong for me, the lady at the cafe knows). I forget lunch and usually try to go running in the evening and sleep before i can have dinner. 

I don't have space for a man now. What i need is someone handy for a booty call at 3 am. I dont think you meet guys like that speed dating (that's what the homeys want me to go for). Out local town has a speed dating group, but it would be so awkward cos i swear someone from the hospital will be there. Eeek! Though there is a yummy one lurking about the hospital who always makes me smile (my gaydar goes bleep though- im not at all certain actually, how dare i call myself a fag hag).

Anyway, i gotta go get pretty for the above mentioned kinda-yummmy-possibly-gay garcon at work.

Wish me luck and weight loss!

If they ask when did it all start

it was this week.

There is no point. No point.

OH MY GOD!

A box of cranberry juice has 490 calories. I just finished a box. And had marsala chicken and pecan pie (plus risotto) for dinner.

Im sliding into a depressive state. Hand over the prozac.

Ah, has only 5 hours of sleep to look forward too.

No wonder im breaking out. Booking a facial for this weekend. My bank balance groans.

And i need a big, shiny TV and a iphone. ''bank balance explodes in a flurry of red statements''

I need a massage.

I was feeling shit at the end of the day. So what does a girl do?
Go jogging with noise-cancelling headphone.
Cook enough curry to feed an army (of anorexic girls) or an average family of 5 (for 2 days).
Wash my hair.

Now i hurt, im cold and i feel really fat.

Much good that did me.

It's 3 oclock in the morning

and i've been struggling to do some work. I've been distracted all day.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i can't focus on anything. My mind wanders- one minute im hungry, the next im thirsty, i need to move, i walk to the kitchen every five minutes just to get there and forget what i was supposed to do. I cannot study/read, i flit from webpage to webpage not really sure what im looking at. I don't even know what music to play.

I need to sort my life out.

spent all day in bed. Go and do something useful

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”






i will bathe and go shopping. Then try to do some teaching prep.

Emergency: It's a Kill Bill moment plus a white t-shirt.

I wore a nice, respectable white t-shirt and blue skirt to work today.

I came home in theatre blues and without my white top and my tights.

i had a kill bill moment- the top of the bottle i was taking blood in popped open as i was trying to readjust the sticky label. I had flung blood all over myself- my hands, chest and neck. All over my white top.

My patient was blessedly asleep.

I caught a nurse told her to 'please, please clean up the mess' as I run off to wash the blood of me.

I scrub myself raw and in a moment of logic-lapse tried to wash the blood off my white t-shirt top. It automatically went transparent. I only had a side done and then i realised that i had to no jumper, no cardigan and no coat. I had to put my blood splattered, wet and partially see through top on and make an emergency call.

KILL BILL MOMENT AND A WHITE T-SHIRT- but no one had a jumper/sweater/hoodie to spare.

I was sat in the office looking dismayed when one of the nurses offered to run to the other side of the hospital and get me some theater blues. So i had to sit in the office and wait. Still in my blood splattered, wet t-shirt. Everyone came into the office and made jokes (at my expense of course). I die of the shame.

I get my blues and wore them for the rest of the day. I feel right in blues.....I don't think i should make career choices based on what i like to wear, but hey, it can't be the worst deciding factor ever.

Someone is having a laugh at my expense. 'Tis cruel, but i can laugh too.

Brown sugar is probably how'd you'd describe him. 6'3 with the sweetest dimple on his right cheek. Nice enough to growl at the guy who spilled a drink on me and covers me with extra blankets when im cold in bed. Wolfs down blueberry pancakes.

Hmmm, blueberry pancakes.

Sigh. He isn't a keeper though. In fact, not even the same universe as keeping.

Big guy upstairs- why?!!!!!!!!!

A plea: Boys are warm, yo. I need one for the coming winter, please.

Why nice girls finish last

I swapped with a mate today so i had to work. She's a bridesmaid at a wedding, so i subbed in so she could go.

Holy cow i didn't realize but i worked 13 hours pretty much non-stop. It would be ok if i felt like my work is satisfying & fulfilling but no, i felt like i did nothing. That's why i went on for 13 hours. I kinda faffed about, getting tired, working my brain down but achieved very little.

I felt stupider, uglier and more incapable that i've ever been. I really am a waste of spacelah. Thinking that working all day with nothing to eat and just a snucked-in cuppa coffee and sips of water will make me thin doesn't work either because i get home and stuff my face.

Comfort food: pickled herring roll-mops, crackers, toasted granary bread, 3/4 boiled eggs and maggi eggy soup.

No wonder why i am a fat cow. I start work in another 7 hours.

Fuck me sideways. Then kill me.

Im so tired i dont even want to contemplate the week.
Well, my friend probably had the worse deal. Her bridesmaid's dress makes her look like marshmallow. hahahah.

Sakit

It's a little ulcer on the inside of my lower lip i can't stop worrying with my tongue when im nervous (which is a lot of the time), it's my hair that's falling out and going prematurely white.

It's the water infection im on antibiotics for.

It the dark shadows around my eyes.

Heart sicklah. Jiwa tak sihat. Hidup macam tiada hala tuju. Pergi kerja, balik kerja, makan dan tidur. Ulang. Setiap hari.

Penat.

I now understand why people whinge about work.

It's like the nine-inch nails song- every day is exactly the same.

It's not quite as unexciting as i paint it; life in hospital in continually entertaining. There's always something happening, there are people buzzing, gossip and stories. There is always something to do. It's at the heart of human drama.

It's busy-busy. I lose myself in the work, but in the background i feel exactly the same.

Everyday i feel stupid. Inept. At a loss for words. Like the french phrase: Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et moins que demain. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I have 40+ years of this to look forward to. Continually being not good enough, mediocre.

There's a lesson here im missing, something i've been missing most of my life. You think after 19+ years i'd figure out how not beat myself up for not being good enough.

I've only been working for 7 weeks.

peep

im here.

just a little unwell (it's a cold me thinks).

Work is.....ok.

Life is.....dull.

Family is.....far away.

One of my grandmothers.....gone.

Love is.....not here.

My weight.....still fat.

Mental state.....generally unhappy.

Stress levels.....astronomic (ran outta reserves 8 weeks into the job, hence concurrent illness)

Internet at home.....sorted.

Hope your raya is gonna be a happy one.

Bruised, scraped and sore

Ultimate frisbee.
Im injured. I hurt at every joint south of my waist. And a really scraped left knee. I need painkillers just to be able to clean my room. Co-codamol and tiger balm are my saviours for today.

I have to diet, bad. My arse looks huge in the recent pictures.

Tarkan is very good to listen to when im packing/cleaning/stressing.

I should be panicking. Really. There is so much wrong. Yet, yet, i'm too tired and in too much pain to care.

Tudung and the girl

hmmm. Reminds me a little bit that i have perhaps strayed too far from God. But it's not somber at all, in fact-funny and thought provoking, especially if you know Malaysian girls.

Oh yeah, thanks C.S.A for puttting this up first. I am an evil plagiarizer.

There is something worse than hopelessness

It's apathy.

It's worse, because it is a non-feeling. Hopelessness is when hope that once existed is lost. It denotes a past that had some positive feeling. Something has been taken away. Disappeared. Gone. There is something to miss.

Apathy is nothingness. It's the opposite of meaning. Meaningless? Maybe, but meaningless seems to be such a simple way to describe this empty vacuum where i suppose feeling, enthusiasm and hope should have existed.  Apathy is the anti-matter of my existentialism.  There isn't sadness, anger, misery. There is no loss. It's a non-feeling. It's not caring, not hating. It's.....i struggle to explain. I just know it. It's the feeling that nothing matters, there is nothing that can or will be done.

I've ceased to think. Apathy has taken over my life. I care for nothing, i can almost stare blankly at the wall all day if i wanted to, i just cannot be bothered to do anything. I don't want to be bothered. Im not sad, miserable or depressed. I'm kinda numb. It could almost be described as zen if it wasn't so dysfunctional.

I just get out of bed so i don't get into trouble. I don't want to tomorrow, but i have to. It's not that i care, i just don't need the drama that  will ensue if i don't show. Minimise the bothering i need to do.

Crisis

Im not sure what to call it. crisis is probaby close.

To many things hang at a balance. There's so much to do, but im slow and lazy and all i want to do is rest.

Im frantic, im tired. I wanna do it all, i wanna sleep.

I want, so badly to get things done, go exercise go for all my classes.....but i feel like there is no good reason to get out of bed.

I end up of pacing my room, pulling at my hair and then sitting on the sofa watching tv- tv is slow mind death, stops me thinking about anything. 

Do i go to kendo? My hakama is crumpled, nothing is ready, there's no enough lemon grass for dinner tonight and ......franatic, frantic!!!!

I'll probably miss kendo to clean. To put away lots of clothes and books and notes because it needs to be done before i go to away next week.

Frantic, frantic

I have another confession

I am a yaoi fangirl.

There. I said it.

Poteng sekolah sambil meminjam balak orang

I had the day free, so instead of working on my project i went early to pick up tickets to the opera: the marriage of figaro.
After which i decided sending in work related documents to 'middle of nowhere' village can wait till monday next week so i decided to go wandering with my friend.

He's skipping class- he got 2 phone calls from a crazy receptionist wondering where he was. We went wandering about record stores, wasting time till we can get lunch at Misato.

Bought a random album: the dodos. It sounded wonderful playing in the store. I know just the friend to give the album to. Saw the perfect dress for graduation- but they don't it in my size.  It's too sunny to be sad and i had good company- one should never be sad in good company.

Misato is the cheapest and cheerfullest of cheap and cheerful restaurants- i'm stuff to the gills with rice and mackerel.

Slept on the uber-hot bus and now im home. Need to get working on that project!!! Opera starts at 7!

Nothing like a nearly naked Dolce Gabbana model to cheer up my day

In fact, i think i need to stare at good looking men all day to make sure tomorrow will be ok.
So let's have another one.
Mmmmm.....Liking this Bottega Vaneta look. We can also ignore the clothes and look at the model. Mmmm.

Courtesy of the Sartorialist


I will be lacking sleep again (i have projects and letters to complete). I have taken to sleeping in busses during my commute.

Parent-proofing

Im trying to parent-proof my room. This involves removing any incriminating evidence of boozing, partying and other 'improper' activities.

First i find i remove the men's briefs from my drawer (im sure i've told you that story....) and now im on a mission to find stray boxes of cigarettes littered about my room and move my booze to my friend's house. Oh, and those condoms in the drawers.....and the cute card on my wall that says, "i think you've got an amazing cock'. Yeah, June, i haven't given it to anyone yet....

My head's about to implode. There's so much crap to do.

what do they teach you?

Never-ever drink on an empty stomach. Ever. Sure you dont vomit, but the effects come on quick and strong, after only 2 units.

No wonder this blog isn't on the msoc website.

Really, i need to keep up appearances.

Im having a self-image /life crisis.

Stop eating, keep running. Try sleeping should also be a motto. I need to be in for 8.30 tomorrow.

heartsick, tired and worried.

I'm so old

I was a lil' kid when this song was in the charts and i wanted to be sex kylie or cute kylie. A tart and a flirt from the outset-guess that part of me hasn't changed.



it's still a killer pop song.

I think there's suppose to be a 'moral of the story' somewhere

"hello, this is heaven"

"hi, i was there on saturday and i lost my phone- any chance someone found a black sony ericsson?"

"nope, sorry"

I feel like there's a profound lesson in this whole losing a phone twice. And wishing waiting wanting with no hope.

I gave in and ordered a new sim. Can't go through arranging a new number and everything.

Iphone 4. 10 days. Im counting

you know how people go out and lose their things?

Well, i never thought i'm that kinda girl till last night/this morning.

i lost my phone TWICE.

Yup, TWICE.

It was in my pocket at the beginning of the night. Several thumping songs later (more like 3 hours later) i realized it was gone. Security had found it and i popped it in my purse.

I pay for drinks at the bar, i walk away, drink in hand. Purse gapes open, phone drops, i accidentally kick it with my foot and it's lost in the dark. I'm no Beckham, really, but i must've have kicked real hard and at a wierd angle- we couldn't find it- me, my friend and security man Jason, who, till 7 am today is gonna try and find my phone. He promised.

Well, if you know me, don't call me. Till this blog says otherwise. Facebook me instead, k?

bisous

oh, oh, oh- i forgot to tell you about restaurant drama-rama

so, we went for breakfast- monsieur skywalker (who im sure was pulling my leg when he told me his twin is toby-wan-kenobi) had a burger, kiki had corn beef hash and i had the most divine english muffin, smoke salmon and eggs benedict at 3 am. Perfect eggs-soft/firm with the runny centre......perfect i tell you.

This was all after phone drama.

Anyway, after breakkie- HSBC declined all cards. Didn't want to give us any cash at the cash machines.

1/2 an hour later Daddy ends up paying for breakfast. It qualifies as an emergency, right?

Glass in foot

I knew the broken glass yesterday morning is a bad sign.

I've extracted the piece of glass from my right foot, but bloody hell, it still hurts. The repercussions of this glass-in-foot-incident is that i may not be able to go to Kendo later today, which i finally summed up the courage to go back to after 4 months of not going.

It's a good thing i still have those single use individually packed antiseptic cleaning solution from when i flew off that bicycle in france.

Summersong!

 Warning: Getting hooked is inevitable. Getting weirded out by the video is possible.

There's a bbq downstairs and im hiding away in my room

It's a bbq with people who live in my building- my flatmates, some people i know from the building and their friends.

I went down for half an hour and then made excuses to go hide out in my room.

I lied- im not tired. In fact, i'd love to drink myself silly and eat a few burgers.

But im so shy. I feel so uncomfortable around these people. I didn't know what to talk about and didn't have anyting interesting to say.

I felt awkward and out of place.
Is this how's it's gonna be, always?

I wished i still smoked cos at least that gave me smoking friends 

STOP


FOCUS


GO

The Vines- Mary Jane

Patron saint: Kate Moss

Wah, very in depth discussion about life and love and weddings and chaos theory and karma and getting thugs to beat up the sorry sleazy bastard that is dating a friend.

Nice session.

A weekend of sessions.

Tomorrow must burn off all liquid calories.

And if eric is right i'm gonna be a happy camper when i burn off those fat cells and they release the goodies that are hiding there.

Good advice

This is off my daily horoscope from the ivillage astrology people. They KNOW and they give GOOD advice.

			"That internal tension you're feeling could all too easily translate into an irresistible urge to: a) unceremoniously quit your job; b) tell off that unappreciative fool you're seeing or c) move to Sri Lanka (or anywhere you're sure no one knows your name). What to do? Try some exercise (mental or physical)!"

Fire in the hull

There was a fire in my kitchen.

I had just come home from a jog round the park to find that my kitchen is full of smoke and there were orange flames on the stove. I scream and my housemate jumps out of her room. We scream; i grab a rag, wrap it around my face and try to use the fire extinguisher to put out the flames. I last 5 seconds in the smoke filed room. My housemate's calling the fire brigade.

We run outta the house and wave at the firemen as they arrive.

OMG, THE FIREMEN WERE HOT.

There's one, with blond curls and a killer smile. Another slightly older but with sparkly blue/green eyes.

Who cares about the fire. They were yummy, but i looked an absolute mess. Hell, i'd be a pyro if they'd come around everytime there was a fire.

We waved goodbye sheepishly (esp at the one with the blond curls) as they left.

Hmmmm, firemen.

OSCE practise?

Super Sexy CPR from Super Sexy CPR on Vimeo.

Ok, it isn't all that correct. But who cares?
Remember kids:

Airway
Breathing
Circulation

And it's 30 chest compressions then 2 breaths and repeat.

straddling your "victim" is optional.

marseilles et marins-pompiers

"I was waiting to be struck by lightning
Waiting for somebody exciting

I wanted to control it
But love, I couldn't hold it
I wanted to control it
But love, I couldn't hold it"

The euro-trip of my dreams looks and sounds exactly like this.

Dancing? Flash mob? KL?

Choreography?
Fatness?
A week?
Red blond roots?

Fun-fun!
Uh-o!

Uh-o!

I never learn my lesson.

My roots are now a familiar, painful shade of red-gold.

Just when i think my hair looks nice, in great condition i fucking bleach it orange.

and guess what- it's just my roots.

she didnt listen when i said do the ends first and the roots later.

ugh.

Cranky

im out to pick a fight.
Im so pissed off at everything, anything.

Everyone is pissing me off, trying to help-just stay outta of my way.

the headaches are back.

the best thing is to stay quiet and eat my pills.

UM / SMS

stands for unmarried or single mother status.

i was told today that all single mothers here are referred to social care after delivering their baby. They're also not allowed to leave hospital with their babies unless accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. It doesn't matter how old they are, they're not allowed to go home with their baby on their own or with their unmarried partner, unless a parent or legal guardian comes along.

It's to safeguard the baby and mother's welfare, so they say.

Privileged existance

i may whinge and whine, but the truth is i realize my i lead a privileged life. It's predictable and a tad boring, but safe and secure for it.

Sure i didnt get everything i wanted, but i didnt have to suffer for anything. I never HAD to work to get what i needed. I coud even indulge my whims.

The priviledge, protected existance isn't the issue. It's how i feel about it.

I don't feel like i deserve any of this.

Every time is see or hear of someone struggling to make ends meet i feel guilty that i have it so good. I feel guiltier that im unable to help.

I feel awfully guilty that i obsess about my weight and my looks, that i want an i-phone and aim to purchase a chanel bag in the next year.

middle class guilt, eh? Is there a cure? Does paying taxes and giving a couple of quid to charity ease the guilt somewhat?

Most of the time the guilt is forgotten amongst envy of designer dresses, fast cars and beautiful bodies; but it surfaces at the randomest of times and it leaves this hollow feeling in my gut, a bit like sadness.

Driving issues

Today i took my mom's car for a spin. With my brother riding shotgun, helping me with my uber-rusty driving.

I came home to a scream-fest from my mother. Now i recall how much i can hate her, and why i had issues with her when i was younger and living at home.

It was totally uncalled for. We arrived all in one piece; drivers, passenger and car. What the fuck is your problem?

Driving in a fucking parking lot will not make me a fucking better driver on the road. That's fucking logical, innit? Yes, so maybe there are crazy drivers on the road and unfortunately that's out of MY fucking control- they'll exist and are still potentially able to kill me even if i drive like fucking schumacher.

Fuck it, you just worried i fuck up the car.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Zombies win?!!!

from indexed.

1/52

A week of electives.

It's similar yet there are many differences. I have never been around so many pregnant women all my life. It's a little bit scary, but also very rewarding when you get a perfect little cherub being born.

It's also very distressing and sad when they're not well. Or if they're dead.

Therefore, doctors and nurses are rightfully high strung. Still, they're friendly as can be expected and if left to do what i like, which is good.

Need to do some reading this week, in preparation for next week.

The elective must be affecting me big time because i had a nightmare about being single, pregnant and in labour. In my dream i was being driven to the hospital by my parents and it was through treacherous areas like jungle, cliffs and narrow bridges in a 4x4. The scary bit was actually the fact that i was a single parent AND having my parents going frantic driving me. I remembered in my dream being so upset with myself.

Pretty.

I think kyu-grade (the children's grade, before the dan-grades)is all about being able to clean the floor without falling over and being faster about it then the 4 year olds.