Im scared and i hurt

The geek in me loves this so so much

I must really study.

Exam in 2 days.

*string of expletives*


70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.

Still, one needs smiles. Codeine is here to help. So are funny french bands. Like this one.

Watch in HD lovies.

Oh, if you read this and you love me (how ever little) and think me living may be worth something- pray/hope/implore the higher powers to help me do well in these exams. 2 days.

Later: if you are like me, and you wanted to know which paintings were what....here :P

I really fucked it up this time; didn't I, my dear?

Apart from being boring and in a stupor from studying and near constant pain, im loving this band.

The cd's on the way, woot!

Thought for the end of the day

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Sunday morning savior

Boys with banjos make me smile

Im having trouble sleeping

Im suffering severe backache

I've wasted so much time

And im running out of days.

Repeat after me

I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE

I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE

MEDICATION IS NOT CANDY

CO-CODAMOL IS NOT HAPPINESS IN A PILL

STOP LOOKING AT FASHION BLOGS

BE NICE

I think im pregnant

Exams making me express myself visually and musically through other people's work.
My creativity is dead.
Sometimes i wish i was actually pregnant, at least im not just FAT.

Forgive my lips; they find joy in the most unusual places

I've never watched a good year (the one with Russell Crowe) from the beginning, only the ending. I watch it and think, hmmm, i should really go there. And then i realize i have. It's set in Provence, and by looking at the scenes in town, it probably is Aix. Pretty, from what i remember, and hot.

I'd love to wine and dine away the time, but i've dined a good 3 hours away, so it's back to work. It's terrible that i find food such a pleasure, that i cannot eat for mere sustainence.

The title of the post is a line from the movie, near the end. A great way to apologize for a stolen kiss, eh?

Sexy

This video has many-many things to love.

Ok, it's an advert for glasses, but bear with me.

It's playing Zee Avi, who according to my mother, i used to play with when i was a kid. I vaguely remember her amazing barbie-doll house.

There's Elijah Wood; smoking. Looking real sexy.

And then there's Shirley Manson, looking so hot and uber cool.

Plus, the whole video has a Wes Anderson feel to it.

This doesn't help the situation

from jak and jil

The FUGLIEs

The fuglies (fat and uglies) hit me a little this evening. It's comes as a sudden realization, then that strong wave of self hate and wanting skinny so, so much.

It's the worst time for the fuglies- my self confidence and self esteem does not need this blow. Im listening to pulp's anorexic beauty and wondering why can't be as strong as them.

Yes i would be happier thinner. I really would. As happy if i were smart, successful and loved. It easier to be smart, successful and loved if i were skinny, no?

This comes at a time when i've fattened up so much from stress eating.....and here i am feeling down about the fuglies and what do i do- hunt down that box of blondies (blond brownies) that a friend baked for me. No wonder im fat.....Even as typing this im getting hungry.

Oh God, help the fatty. Let her get smart, be a good and skinny doctor. It would be great if you could make me pretty too.

thank you.

Not enough time to study

but evidently enough time to oogle the good lookin' boys who seem to take over the library. They're EVERYWHERE!
At the next table, opposite me at the computers, holding open doors and crossing my path as i walk past the perfectly located underground cleaners cupboard (oh the naughty potential!)
I wonder why i never noticed them before.
Hmmmm.
I blame exam stress, hormones and the full moon.

I am obsessed with this tune at the moment



Im not sick but im not well - exactly.

Ohhhhh yeah.

I'm in over my head
Stuck in the red
Somethin they said
Makes me think that
I'm in over my head
Over my head
Over my head

Train

Remember the 90's band Train? I've been listening again to some of their tracks and it's a little sad.

Just reminds me a little of when i was younger and the future was a vast 'something' i thought i could make amazing. I wanted to be a person you write songs about.

The kinda girl Train sings about.
What i really want is to be skinny, this was probably since i was 13. Let's wait and see when we'll cross that off my bucket list.

It was my birthday 3 days ago. Growing old sucks past 21.

too much coffee and a half an hour wasted

but i found this

Welly love

Note it's WELLY, with an E.

My Hunter Wellies have arrived and they are perfect.

Dark purple, to match my rain parade umbrella (thanks buzzy) and mid-calf, they are lovely.

I never thought i'd love rubber so much, but these boots take cake (cue rubber/latex jokes).

They fit like a glove, with room for skinny jeans. Love, love love.



It's my second new pair of boots this week. Yeah, yeah, back to revision

Ok, happy songs now.

All this misunderstanding
on my part because you were
acting like a cat.

Salah fahamku kerana AKSI KUCING

Was it malu-malu kucing? or more of bagai anjing dengan kucing?

I should really go memorize the causes of hepato-splenomegaly. :P

Ja, ne. x

Masochistic much?

You got under my skin. You're a bit like an old tattoo. Lines a little blurred, colors faded. I try to hide it but i know it's there.

Im gonna go study and try to forget you. It is truly the wrong kind of place to be thinking about you.

I would've loved this album if it had this song in it.

I've lost my drive, my joie de vivre, the fight- the will to fight for this.

i'm so scared it's made me weak.

I confess

I am arrogant.

It's the only reason i've been so blase about the whole thing. I have wasted a week watching house, sleeping and doing fuck all.

It's because im arrogant.

I think im gonna be fine.

I dont realize how huge this exam is, how difficult it's gonna be.

It's not that i dont care, i think im gonna be ok.
It's the arrogance talking.

I know if i dont buck up im not gonna be. Oh dear. It's exactly 21 days to exams. 21.

Guilty

Maybe my rash is allergic- im allergic to this hospital, my woolly scarves and life itself.

Im feeling guilty because some good fortune has come my way. I feel a little undeserving and guilty that im a lazy procrastinator with memory problems.....

and a rash.

Ok, there's also a rash....

it's across my abdomen- there's some scattered 2mm maculopapular rashes, not exactlyin a dermatomal distribution.

Shingles?

There's also the slightly scarier rashes which appear as excoriated small areas of skin with scabs on them.

Merely dry flaky skin?

Stressed induced urticaria?

Good thing dermatology is not examined in finals. Phew.

Too much coffee, too much sugar and these noise cancelling uber-bass headphones are making me hyperalert

im over the epistaxis and now in love with thornton's butter tablets.

It's not what you think- it's not just butter; it's butter and condensed milk- in a solid, easily nibbled form. It's 1700 calories in 100 grams.

Diabetes in a bag, baby!

im also a little obsessed with the closing part of oasis's dont go away- the uber bass makes and 'stereoness' of these headphones makes the tune a little more haunting than it usually is.

Love,
fat chick in the cafeteria.

P/S- im getting so big that people give up their seats on the bus for me and people wander to the edge of the corridoor as i waddle past.

P/P/S- i hate myself and i want to die.

epistaxis

I bled out this morning; from my nose.

There's bright blood splotched all over my sheets and one of buzz's pillows is soaked through- what a mess.

There might be a problem. I better get insurance, quick. This looks like it's gonna be nasty.

The only disease i know that presents with epistaxis is Wegener's. Fits eh, since i am doing respiratory med now.

Im just waiting for the heamaturia and heamoptysis to kick in.

I just wonder sometimes why it's the people who seem to have it all are the ones to top themselves?
I think it's brave and decisive.

I wonder how 'a waste of space' me can justify living. For what reason?

postsecret

Love and osteomyelitis

I'm doing questions at the hospital cafeteria, at 0116 hours.

It's fun having all this space to myself, even if it's a little cold. There was an open window earlier, but even my insane fat burning is not gonna warm up this place, even if i've closed the window.

The hands are cold tonight.

I know it's pretty bad when i associate love with osteomyelitis.

im sure you heard the one about the difference between true love and osteomyelitis......?



well......



Chronic osteomyelitis actually lasts forever........................

"Tape aint gonna fix it honey, it aint gonna stick....."

Exam panic, overeating, generalized fatness

worry about remembering, performing, tension headaches

but at least i know my elective is settled.

It's home, for certain. Thank god, i was worried last week. I live dangerously by straying close to deadlines.

"Time aint gonna cure you honey, time dont give a shit,
times is just gonna hit on you
you've got to go straight ahead.....!"

Yes, finals is in 4 and a half weeks

but does it stop me from telling you about my fellow student's clear, lovely blue eyes?

obviously no.

His eyes are gorgeous. They're like clear sky or the blue of tropical sea and just as shiny-sunny clear. He's got these huge eyes that should belong on a 5-year old girl with curly golden locks. Even whites are whiter than white. It helps that he has happy, smiley eyes too.

I contrast them to my rheumy, bloodshot, fake green contact lensed, tired khol rimmed eyes- with so much eyeliner i hope to obscures the fear, worry and lack of sleep/sanity reflected in them.

i'm making a habit of looking up into his eyes, i really need to remind myself not to stare. It's a new thing for me considering i've noticed i never look people in the eye- shifty i know, and it doesn't really build trust but i can't hold eye contact for very long. I find it uncomfortable. Instead i'll look somewhere else when i speak to people; behind them, around them but never at them.

ok, ok, i'll get back to "damage control". That's what im calling revision nowadays.

Counting down the days

Finals feels a little like dying.

Im nice to everyone, regret wasting my life and want to give important life advice to everyone i meet. Im also especially philosophical.

It's bad to compare dying to finals, but it is a little bit similar.
A part of my life ending, and whether it's good or bad depends on what i've done these past 5 years. I know what's coming, but it's not certain how it's gonna be.

I pray a lot, i try to work hard and yet still find myself doing everyday mundane things, just enjoying them more.

i get these ''early morning, i havent slept yet, still stuck on a little footnote of my pile of notes'' panic attacks

this has been 'the' song for exams for years

it's an oldie, but such a goodie.
corny, but im allowed that




Padamkan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat kau mulai kehilangan arah
Nyalakan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat berjalanmu kembali tegap

There's stuff in this song i dont know yet

im in soo much trouble.............

caffeine makes me nauseous

it's 0119

im nauseated (by too much caffeine, the sheer amount of work and my lack of knowledge) and there is a whole bloody tutorial to do.

It's tough, but i hope my brain is tougher.

I pretty much feel like crap at the moment.

Caffein pills report

2340 hours

I've been sleepy since 2100 hours.

It's been a bad revision day, though a good procedures day. There is hope I will be a decent anaesthetist yet.

If i can learn it all.

Soon.

The 8 caffeine pills, a cuppa earl grey and 1.5 cuppacinos still have not kicked in. Im still sleepy as anything. A headache is coming and i still have the bloody book to finish.

Sleep seems like solace, but last night's vivid and scary cheese induced dreams worry me.

one thirty am

my brain is tired.

I frown when doing questions. In all probability I will need botox before im forty.

I bought caffeine pills at nine thirty pm.

Maybe patches will be better. Or ephedrine. That'll improve my blood pressure a little bit too.

This is where i panick

It's PANICK, with all caps and a K to emphasize how huge this is.

It's PANICK with arms akimbo, palpitations and difficulty breathing.

It's fear, horror and that sick feeling in my gut that is not too many crackers or hunger.

I want to vomit, i want to hide, i want it to go away.

But it can't and i won't; the days are speeding by so fast.


And on a totally unrelated note


I found small sample of boy's perfume in my room. It's probably from when a friend crashed there for awhile (his precious purple C.Ks are still in my drawer). I've started wearing it and it's oddly calming and comforting. Maybe it's cause it reminds me of friends and happier times. Also there's that theory of pheromones and how that exerts a calming and relaxing effect on the opposite sex. Go figure. I think it's kinda cool smelling like a boy (in a good way). It's becoming clear why i attract men who prefer men.


OK, revision PANICK starts again!

Late at night.....

Thanks Hunny and Di (really).

If anybody asks

It's been said that when asked how are you?, Kurt Cobain would reply, "I hate myself and I want to die".

busy bees

Tights are not pants. Ok, heard you. But do i care, really?

Tights are not pants manifesto

Im feeling this statement today. I left revision early to do lunch with a friend, in nothing more that trusty black leggings, a grey top and my hoodie.

At least people dont see the cellulite. I also felt like airing my legs and showing off my excessive lumbar lordosis.

Precious

I was told that the most valuable commodity is time, so this weekend i took time to see some friends, chat, smell lovely things, try silly clothes, eat lots and watch films.

I dont regret it, yet.

Exam in 6 weeks.

My life has led up to this. What hopefully will be my greatest achievement.

THAT EXAMS.
medical finals.

For the two of you who just got hitched and the ones who will be tying the knot soon

This Marriage - Ode 2667

May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May it be sweet milk,
this marriage, like wine and halvah.
May this marriage offer fruit and shade
like the date palm.
May this marriage be full of laughter,
our every day a day in paradise.
May this marriage be a sign of compassion,
a seal of happiness here and hereafter.
May this marriage have a fair face and a good name,
an omen as welcome
as the moon in a clear blue sky.
I am out of words to describe
how spirit mingles in this marriage.

Originally by Jalaluddin Rumi, 13th century Persian poet

In Kabir Helminski's "Love is a Stranger" Threshold Books, 1993

Purchase, purchase!!

It is good karma to buy albums of obscure indie bands.

Right?

But as a poor student forced to spend 12+ pounds a day to get to hosp and back....i half and half it. Buy one album, download the other.

Some good karma. I'll pay to go for a gig too.

Hah

I failed to reach one of my resolutions from last year. It's supposed to be the easiest (i am such a sad spaz- how hard could it be to snog someone senseless, ok, let's not even be ambitious, plain old snog someone? I am a peculiar sort of social moron/outcast).

But new year is here and all i have to look forward to is exams.

EXAMS

EXAMS!!!

EXAMS!!!!!!!!

So help me quit gintama, yaoi mangas and movies. Stop the jetlag and hibernation. Make my 4 hour daily commute productive.
Let me remember all medical stuff i read.

Oh dear.

Nightmares

I had this weird dream last night- i dreamt i married a man i didnt love; in fact didnt like very much.

The wedding was in Brazil, i think Sao Paolo it was. My whole family was there and so were some people from uni.

The man i married was Malay (i know- what?!) and one of those quiet violent types, turning psychotic and violent when i brought up that this marriage was a mistake. I didnt think he loved me either.

In the nightmare after the wedding ceremony i ran off to go dancing with some friends (sans new hubby) and then ended up in a Sao Paolo slum injecting heroin while whinging to the lady supplying me with smack.

It was freaky because the person i married was so WRONG. He was just creepy. And we didn't like each other, not even in a human-to-human way.

That part about me being a heroin addict also is straight up disturbing.

To make me feel better- a nice song, with a video about being saved from your nightmares.

thinspire

Men who look better than me in dresses.
Owh i hate being me.

CANDY 1 from Luis Venegas on Vimeo.

First step to being a good Polish housewife

I was invited to my first Polish christmas dinner on sunday past.

The perfect* boyfriend of a friend decided to throw us a traditional Polish christmas dinner to celebrate his new job.

It's a 12 course meal, steeped in traditional and ritual.

I showed up early, bringing a bottle of champagne and ice- and was told there was no drinking. "There's no drinking on Polish Christmas dinner" he says. What? Polish and no drinking? I was flabbergasted. Ok....nevermind. I offered to help with preparation- and he tells me to defrost the carp. It's a whole carp, like with the head and all, if im not wrong, flown/shipped/lorried from Poland. Ok....im still calm, but it he's starting to panic.

I switch into bossy, organized, housewife in kitchen mode (i admit, i do have this aspect of my personality i'd rather not explore) in the light of the panic. At least i rise to the occasion (so he said......;P)

I ended up chopping fish, running out for last minute supplies, frying various sorts of dumplings and keeping the boy sane. It all went well in the end.

The dinner started with the sharing of holy bread- it's the proper blessed stuff. It's a really sweet thing where you go around the table, taking a piece of each other's bread and wishing something for the person in the next year. It was kinda emotional, but really heartwarming.

Then (2) is boiled eggs with heart attack inducing, super-delicious polish mayonnaise. It symbolises purity and new year, so we had to finish the whole tray. Not a problem. I was licking the mayonnaise of my plate. Even the eggs were from Poland. Tesco eggs just wouldn't do.

(3) Beetroot soup (that looks like blood and stains lips a gorgeous red) with mushroom dumplings served with (4) croquets

(5) THE POLISH CARP. Defrosted, sliced (a fucking mission), battered and fried. Fried and served straightway; it was soft, fresh and delicious. I wish there was more. The bones were hell and there's bread on the table just in case someone gets bones stuck in their throat. Eaten with (6) mashed beetroot and horseradish and (7) marinaded, pickle slippery jack mushrooms.

No, unfortunately our carp wasn't that big :( The story is that the freshness of the carp is so important that in Poland people will keep the carp alive in the bathtub to kill and cook on the day of the dinner itself. So yeah, no baths before christmas.

(8) Pickled herring (my absolute favorite!) which my friend had trouble with. He cant stand the look of it. The thing it, it's said that the 12 courses are for the 12 months of the year, and so you have to eat a little bit of everything or not the course you miss will mean a bad month in the coming year. He had some in the end. He won't be buying it again, but it wasn't as bad as he imagined it was.



(9)Boiled-fried-dumpling (i cannot say anything in polish, but i swear that was what it translated to). Filled with cabbage and fungus (like the edible sort not the feet kind). By this point, i was kinda bursting. But dinner must go on......

(10)Lazy dumpling- cottage-cheese like cheese, with a thin pastry covering- fried in butter and covered in sugar that's allowed to caramelize. Heaven, because you'll have a heart attack eating that but you'll die happy. Perfect just off the pan, hot and melty......

(11)Sweet pasta salad, with poppy seed+honey+almond paste, walnuts and raisin. Yum, but i was seriously full up to the gills by this point.

(12) Desserts-

(a) Polish cherry cheesecake. Piquant cherry, that creamy cottage-cheese like cheese and chocolate sponge. At this open i was accessing the special dessert pouch my stomach has.


(b) Polish tree cake. I thought it was called tree cake because it looks like tree bark
but no, it's called tree cake because at the shop, where it's made it actually looks like a tree (a cone, and they stick branches at the top). Tree cake rocks. By this point, i could not move. Neither could anyone else. Hence......

WE ALL MISSED THE LAST TRAIN HOME.

And then was the adventure of bringing lotsa-lotsa yummy polish dinner food home (one of us had a box, i had 2 plastic bags full of tuppeware) on the bus. One to east london, 2 to heathrow, one more to south london and one lucky fella lived in central london. We didn't get any pictures of the meal because we were having to much fun cooking, eating and messing about. It was loads of fun and such a fantastic cultural experience (cliched but so true). And those fungus dumplings go so well with a lettuce salad for lunch today.

*My mate's boyfriend is perfect, except for the little thing about commintment phobia. Other than thats he's perfect. Im jealous. But what's a girl to do?

Time flies when you're drunk and you dont give a fuck

-The Kills-

I know, it dont really matter; does it really matter if we go insane my darling?

Merci Garance, pour la chanson!

Guilty pleasures

I dreamt i got a tattoo-but it got botched up. Even in my dream i had the dilemma, in the end i decided on a small heart (how tacky) on the tip of my right shoulder. In my dream a girl i knew but didn't particularly like was the tattoo artist and all i noticed was her hands were trembling. It was a very odd dream, but most of mine are.

Random thoughts of a drugged up me at 2.50 in the morning when disappointed by the UKFPO

Im being drugged up for my back, which is killing me. I have no idea why. My foot, which was killing me on monday is fine. My limp is barely perceptible, i just walk slow. It doesn't hurt as much as my back. Why my back?! My physio will just have to bear with me tomorrow. The unlucky man.

Codeine based painkillers rock. I understand the attraction, the cause for addiction. The pain really does all go away. Ibuprofen makes my tummy unhappy. Gotta have food/milk with it. Im so gonna be a fat fuck if i keep this up. Ugh. Cannot miss a dose of painkillers. Missed my post dinner dose and now im paying for it.

I still dont know where im gonna end up working. Is it London? Is it Wales......maybe Jersey? The anticipation (and back pain) is kiling me. It's supposed to be out today.....sigh...

Im scared that i'll be riddled with this sad, fat, useless body forever. And that i'll be addicted to narcotics and fat and unhappy.

Ok, maybe i need some sleep.

You know that tacky yet cute english christmas film, love actually it's called, there's a story about a guy who is in love with his best friend's wife and he tells her over christmas, with placards rather than saying it? I love this line: And my wasted heart will love you. Just 'cause. In the movie it looks like this:


Ok, sleepy time. :P

Lisfranc Injury

I fell yesterday.
A little fall, nothing major, but, my God, it hurt.

I kinda fell like this:

It was on a stairs at the tube station. I managed to hobble home.

I got home, propped it on a pillow, put some bandages on and slept. Or at least tried to sleep. The pain was excruciating. It throbbed, i could feel every pulse in my foot.

This morning i couldn't walk on it. At all. I called a cab and made my way to the hospital i used to work. I jumped along on one foot, with my shinai in it's bag as a crutch. A lovely girl helped me into A&E, holding on to me as i hobbled along. Bless her beautiful heart.

A&E was empty. I had 2 lots of x-rays and given the all clear. I do not have a Lisfranc. Well, it's hard to diagnose, but we'll see. If im still swollen and in pain by wednesday it would be a Lisfrance for sure (says the lazy finalist).

Im now on regular on co-codamol and ibuprofen and going to sleep it off.

Pray that i get well soon- bless all your beautiful hearts. x

Should i bring the little red polka dot bikini?

I just received a very curt text from my dad saying that the whole family- when i say whole i mean 18 person entourage, from granny to baby cousin- is going to Phuket for 5 days over christmas.

The dates are such that i'll be missing my friend's wedding. Damn it, the dress just arrived today as well. It's prettier in real life, all flowly, forgiving and just a little bit of elegant shine from the sequiny bit. I didn't get shoes in the end, good thing too, seeing as i wont be going.

Sometimes, my dad pisses me off when i get ultimatums like this.

Now the big question is how many swimming outfits to bring and if i get away with the little red polka dot bikini in front of my aunts. Hmm, it may accidentally expose my tattoo. You know, that little one on my left.............just kidding. I dont have a tattoo, though i wish i could have one. Why i cannot is a complex issue, something involving going to hell.

But i'll be packing at least 2 swimming outfits, my beach dresses and leggings. And i better be working on those sit ups.

This is a mystery for us. One of the weirdest videos ever but i love adrien brody.

I hate being fat

It's tough being fat and fabulous.
If i can say so myself.

It's so much more work. Finding clothes, faking confidence and trying to look good while lugging around the extra weight of a large child is exhausting.

It's taking it's toll on my psyche. Im tired of working so hard. Clothes, make-up, exercise- so much effort just to look 'acceptable', to not be a fat-freak. It's also psychologically difficult. To act comfortable in my own body, to not want to hide away, to be so different; an outcast in normal, BMI under 25 society. I have to constantly convince myself i am as good as everyone else, i deserve to be here though i dont feel it.

I have to work hard to make myself different, special. Not having good looks to play on, i have to develop skills and knowledge to ensure i stay relevant in society. To be accepted, so to speak. But acceptance isn't enough; i want adoration, love, envy.

I want it all.....muahahhaha.....

I hope never to lose my sense of humour though. Never. It's the only thing that keeps me going. The fact that i know God is probably having a good giggle watching me trying so hard. Im thinking if i keep at it, maybe God will give in. Alter my metabolism, warp my genes and give me the miracle that is skinny, smart and happy.

Wedding dressing

Another friend is getting hitched in a few weeks and it suddenly dawned upon me i need something to wear to the wedding.

Dressing up for someone's wedding a task full of possible pit falls and faux pas.
There's so much to keep in mind.

To not upstage the bride, never-never wear white....or black (but some argue nowadays you may get away with it, especially if it's an evening do). Not too short, especially for religious ceremonies...and argh, need to still look good because hey, you never know if there's good looking cousins/friends of the groom about.

The recent summer wedding was easy- a random prom-style, sleeveless floral navy blue dress with bright leggings and sky-high wedges and pretty hair accessories did it. Nothing was new, all the stuff i kinda had lying about. I even wore it to buy bagels the next day.

For this one, since it's a malay wedding...oooh, it's hard. I've ordered a bandeau floor length maxi dress in black to wear with a hot pink kabaya top. Only problem is the chest area of the dress is in black sequins. Hmmm. Black and possibly shinier than the bride. We'll see. Im making an effort because apparently the groom has hot cousins. Im so one-track-minded, it's sad. At least there's not gonna be booze or a bouncy castle, so im not gonna get myself in trouble.

Im keeping the make-up simple, i promise.

Later:

Guess what? I've found the perfect mirrored patent leather wedges to wear with the dress. Can't wait. I'll drive myself to broke-ness if i keep this up for all the weddings i will eventually attend [that doesnt mean you shouldn't invite me, it just means i need to rewear things :( ]

So, it's not just me then....

from Postsecret
And me.

It could've been red hot chili peppers

I made chilli con carne tonight- the generous splish of red wine and chunks of plain chocolate makes it pretty good. I also think the constant patter of rain makes comfort food like chilli that-little-bit-better.

The super lovely sensei today said such nice things about my kendo it made me want to cry (with joy and gratitude). He's so sweet, so encouraging, that i feel better about my kendo. I must make sure to jigeiko with him very few weeks, just for the confidence.

I agree, i am turning into a sop of a girl. Im losing my edge. This is disturbing, yet interesting to watch how in the past-say 5 years, i've turned from granite to soft chocolate chunk cookie.

The point i wanted to make actually was that this song sounds like rhcp. Anthony Kedis or Chris Cornell? Tough one.....

I wonder

Do I shop to compensate for something else? More clothes, shoes and make-up will NOT fix ANYTHING.

What's with Christmas underwear? The spirit of giving (place preferred sexual favour here)? Really?!

Is my obsession with tumblr blogs full of the pictures of pretty, skinny, young things a way for me to inspire self-hate and thus induce self-destructive, yet very effective dieting methods or just that i fancy pretty girls?

That idea that if you have a tendency to think you look horrible is most photographs means that you're vain because you think you should look better than what the objective camera lens is showing you makes sense?

when am i ever a womanly threat? Only when she steals my chocolate. Ouhhhhh...that's asking for it. But really, in any other situation, i ain't good enough to be dirt next to you darling.

how many calories are there is duck rice? Oh Ana, forgive me. Pardon your silly, weak daughter.

is it that i hate myself and i want to die, or more of i hate myself so i wanna be better; but i can't, so i might as well die. If a beautiful young model who walks for chanel thinks her life is so mundane she tops herself; what the hell am i doing still walking around?

what was it? I keep replaying it in my head;what i felt, what i thought- was it denial? is it; is it not? I'll never know and neither will you.

The friend goggles theory- is it (a) we see our friends as beautiful, amazing people because we see past their imperfections and appreciate the beauty of the whole person or (b) we are vain creatures that believe we only surround ourselves with similarly beautiful creatures.

when will i be able to afford lipo, the nose job, a body transplant and a life coach?

if you were right. It scares me that you know me so well.
We accept the love we think we deserve.

stop eating, keep puffing (exercise and ciggies, of course).

It's never gonna happen, is it?

The way to 1000 haya suburi

I think not. But it's funny, in a way perhaps only kendoka can appreciate.



Seriously, listen to it. Too funny. But that's what i do on a monday evening and saturday afternoons. It sounds more like a whip in the clip, real shinais make a sound between a "pop" and a "twack" when it hits right.

Since my sensei made me well up in tears during practice i've not gone back. That's 3 practises already.

What happened: My foot hurt and i wanted a break.....was told a stern "no!" and had to continue. The whole team had to do 100 haya suburi because i was slacking- i kinda died at 30 and was told off (indirectly). I went home with a sore foot and sprained, tense shoulders that were knotted and stiff for 3 days.

I fear this may mark the end of my kendo. I love it, but im not sure if i can do this anymore. Im not sure i have the discipline and strength of character to continue kendo. Im also real awful for someone who has been practicing for a whole year and 2 months.

Not so pleasant

You know what i said about this town not being nice?

Well, what happened today freaked me out, a little.

A really creepy sorta guy followed me off the bus and walked behind me for 5 minutes.

I walked fast, feeling a little suspicious, keeping an eye on the guy's shadow. I was thinking i was probably being paranoid, this guy could not be following me. To be safe i fished my keys outta my bag and planned to walk to the supermarket to try and see if this guy was really trailing me.

About 50 meters from my door the perv walkes up quickly and puts a hand on my behind.

I turn around, shouted angrily and shoved the guy. Then i run, looking behind me as i round the street corner to my door. He wasnt following me, so i quickly went into the house.

Im angry......but more so, im scared. I didnt think stuff like this happens to girls like me. I know it's not my fault, at all, but it still make me never want to wear a pencil skirt again.

A pleasant surprise

is coming home post gig and discovering that the black t-shirt i bought is actually a charming shade of dark green.

Oh Uncle Karl!

Of course it's true...
But it's cheap
What a depressing word...it's all about taste.
If you are cheap, nothing helps.


** On a side note- uncle karl does not make clothes for 'chubby' people. Tis very depressing. Only one thing to do. Lose it!**

The wheels keep on turning

With every pedal im riding the bike into the ground.

I just spent money on a new wheel and i've managed to break my cycle basket.

And the gears are fucked.

My oh my.

It needs to survive the next 8 months. Then we'll know where we'll be, and think about getting a new steed.

I feel bad that i dont want to send him for a proper repair, but i'd rather save up for a new bike, you know?

I feel like im betraying him now, looking at new bicycles, while he's there in the foyer, trying his best to work through rain, fucking london traffic and all the abuse.

Finished my scarf!

It took a year and a half, but it's done!

My first knitting project, all finished.

It's like 8 cm wide and 2.2 meters long.

The idea, when starting it, was to give it to the boyfriend, cos i was hoping when it was finished, there'll be one in the picture.

There isn't, so i'll use it instead, till the man decides to show up.

Bloody men, they're never there when you need them.

Im back of caffeine!

Oh i did miss you.
Why did i ever let you go?
My poor heart went so slowly.....perk up, perk up!

Milk, two sugars and strong enough to wake the dead.

hah, with that heart rate, i could be. I like my caffeine induced arrhythmia with hypotension, thanks.

It's clear i've had too much cardiology as well, right?

Caffeine and Nicotine Withdrawal

I suck without my stimulants. I hate that i *shouldn't* smoke. Ahhhhh......

It is worth living a long life in a sleepy, 'out-of-it' daze or living a short, but alert nicotine driven life?

Did not have coffee today because i felt shy to crash the doctor's meeting. I stole a brownie later when the doctors disappeared, but i hate that they are not kind.

Dazed.

NHS care!

My physiotherapist has big, warm hands.

In his opinion i have defective hip muscles, shit balance and tight-tight muscles. It embarrassing when you have to bare all cellulite and flabby tum so they can 'see' what's happening and scrutinize my walk/squats/lumbar over-lordosis.

Im due for rehab.

This is a 10 months after my ski injury. All started with a dodgy right knee after an excruciating fall after skiing over some rocks. There were times during that holiday i fell into unbelievable positions which im sure limbs are never suppose to be in. Damn skis that wont come off.

Beautiful people overload

I'm having a moment of beautiful people overload. Im surrounded. It's a conspiracy to make me feel uglier!!!!!!!!!!

Equinox

During my pagan phase i used to know what that meant. I was also doing geography at the time, guess that must've helped.

I still think the moon has influence on my mood and womanly cycles, a bit like the tides.

But we are far from the equinox here in the northern hemisphere, the days are shortening; the cold and dark is descending sudden and heavy.

Im unashamedly crazy about the new death cab for cutie number; funnily enough, on the New Moon soundtrack, called 'Meet me at the equinox'. I sure it means something clever, but i cant quite figure it out.

It's odd, i think, that Frank Turner has not made it big. Like, absolutely huge.

I think he's amazing. He's an essential part of my British Experience - his songs reflects the oddities of the English going-out scene, lots of social commentary, a bit of existential crisis thrown in with a cute english accent. Also, the lyrics hit an emotional soft spot for me. The music makes me feel, a good thing when i'm growing numb and boring.

Went to his show in Shepherds Bush last week and it rocked! He's an amazing singer and as Ka-chan commented, adorably cute as well. We have a weakness for musicians and boys with curly hair. His rendition of an old english folk song about a cruel jealous girl called barbara allen wanted to make me cry and it was sheer joy to sing along to 'the ballad of me and my friends'.





It was a great gig- one of the best i've been to in awhile. The videos are from the gig i went to. Sweet.
Just got my copy of Love Ire & Song today.....so im kinda obsessed for the mo'.

Girl crush deux

from garance dore

It's the hair. My hair's growing out now that i'm tempted to get it trimmed just that little bit shorter at the neck. She's fucking gorgeous.

The oddest conversation:
" You're lucky- your boyfriend's charming, funny and hot. If only he was straight and not dating you"
"He's bi, you know."
"Huh? Oh sweetheart, let's not even go there. "

I owe it all to crazy friends

I now am a proud owner of a silver-grey, snake-skin print corset. And a blond wig, studded leather shoe-boots and gloves (matchy, matchy), home-slashed leggings and a scratchy yet fabulous faux gorilla fur glam jacket.

Im a lucky girl indeed. Yes, that is such a thing as faux gorilla fur.

Hmmm, slightly tipsy off blood wine (the totally unrefined, yet delicious combination of red wine and coke).

They made me look so hot. These guys are amazing.

Oh yeah, me and the 'boy that was the reason i came to london' have fate. I met a friend of his today who by the way is uber-cute, if a little annoying but with a gorgeous head of hair. So random.

We're waiting for pizza

Im wearing my pyjamas and a pair of studded, high-heel leather shoe boots, listening to frank turner.

Im using a cheese grater on a shirt. KY is stained pink from standing in the bathtub with said shirt on while i splatter red coloring all over him. That was fun. Now im just shredding my fingers and my feet hurt from the shoes.

But i will persevere because, "i wont sit down, and i wont shut up. Most important i will not grow up".

i did something

I've been thinking about it for awhile.

Some people said 'yeah, go for it'.
Most were adamant i shouldn't.

KY is gonna kill me. So will my mother.

I decided to run the risk. After all, what's the worse that could happen?

Famous last words......

I did it though. It's done.



I chopped off all my hair. Straight it's skimming my shoulders.
A woman who cuts her hair plans to change her life, right?
We'll see after it's had a wash; once it goes all curly.

Tawakal

This email is to confirm that your online application for the FP 2010 recruitment round has been received.

Your answers in the 'Questions' section will now be scored by your first choice foundation school. For more information on scoring and the next steps in the application process, refer to the "Foundation Applicant's Handbook".

Your application results will be available on 9 December 2009. From that date, you can login to your account for details of your overall application score and your foundation school allocation (if you have been successful).

Regards
The UK Foundation Programme Office

I love him!

My consultant is the yummiest, bestest, coolest consultant ever!

Heart!

I wanna grow up to be just like him. *wishes very hard*

say it loud

Post-kendo voice strain.

Probably the only sport where not only do the muscles and ego hurt, but my throat too.

committed

London to Kuala Lumpur, Thu, 25 Mar, 22:00, Flight MH1, Economy

Kuala Lumpur to London, Sat, 22 May, 23:40, Flight MH2, Economy

That was a lot of money. I hope i made the right decision. Too safe, lizzie, too safe.
When are you going to amaze yourself and do something crazy/exciting/brave and amazing?

Halloween

It's gonna be scary this year.

There might be a corset, fishnets, a blond wig and leopard print.

There will be 'single ladies', sexy men and an american football player.

I have to starve till the 31st. Did i mention corset? Oh yes, and he did mention leather and a whip too. It will be an interesting night. I wont let the pictures get on facebook. Promise.

Tell me, where can i get one for myself?

Yes, the smith's is the ultimate original. But I do like the death cab's version, but they changed that essential line which i love: "It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care". Morrisey does sound more the part of a dead-sexy charming man though. I am looking for a beautiful acoustic version, but nothing on youtube sounds quite like i want it too.

So here's the smith's version. It's actually older than me.

punctured bicycle
on a hillside desolate
will Nature make a man of me yet?

When in this charming car
this charming man

Why ponder life's complexities
when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?

I would go out tonight
but I haven't got a stitch to wear
this man said "It's gruesome
that someone so handsome should care"

A jumped-up pantry boy
who never knew his place
he said "return the rings"
he knows so much about these things
he knows so much about these things

I would go out tonight
but I haven't got a stitch to wear
this man said "It's gruesome
that someone so handsome should care"

This charming man
this charming man

A jumped-up pantry boy
who never knew his place
he said "return the ring"
he knows so much about these things
he knows so much about these things
he knows so much about these things

Go figure. A lovely person, Chloe Le Fay on song meanings gives this *charmant* interpretation:

"Handsome and sexually confused young cyclist crashes and punctures one of the wheels, leaving him stranded, until he's picked up by a strangely obliging gent who convinces him that getting married would be a mistake and a fiasco, and presumably seduces him on the smooth leather of the passenger seat. Gotta love it."

It's official; my gaydar is dead.

And there's a country-banjo version too. right here.

It only gets weirder and weirder. I'd giggle if i wasn't mourning the death of my gaydar.

Just keep breathing

It doesnt matter if you are sent miles away; away from friends, from london, from all that is known and familiar.

Right?

It does, it does!!!! And why am i shopping online for coats when i should be working on this fucking application?! Why, why why?!!!!

I am a fucking idiot! (im sorry delicate ones, but the foul language is necessary to express how frustrating this is!)

This application hurts. and it matters so much, so so much. Papa was right, i do fear change. I am a true ox birth sign, i like stability, the known, the certain.

I hate the future. It's scary, unpredictable and uncertain. What i hate more is that i cannot express myself properly. I am a stuttering idiot! As ditsy and stupid as they come.

I imagine, in an evolutionary kind of picture, i should not have survived past my 10th birthday. Im not designed for surviving this kind of environment. I dont have the right adaptations. I should be dead. I semi-wish i was sometimes. It's so hard and i try and try because the shame of failure is too much but i'm nothing. That sucks and i just hate myself more and try harder and the vicious cycle keeps on going.

I survived!

I hope my patients did too.

I was almost dead by 6 am..... but coffee, lovey doctors and jaffa cake bars kept me going.

Woke up at 3 in the afternoon and was fed a lovely sunday roast!
Yes, i am a lucky, lucky cow.

The morning of many entries

I want to go skiing over christmas. But this is where i play grown up and do what i should do!!!! Argh!


But, this has made me sooooooo excited to see the decemberist in london!

As you can see, ive not been working on my job application. Shite!

This for all of us, whose hearts arent strong, just elastic/pliable:

Bénis sont les coeurs qui peuvent se plier, ils ne seront jamais cassés
-albert camus-

Sometimes i think, wouldn't it be nice if we were

-from postsecret-

But then i think...nah, that'll be boring.
Come on God > Universe > The Fates > Eros/Cupid, you can do better....right?
Love, adventure, excitement, hot-like-a-volcano with a great sense of humour but also responsible and sweet...

Interventions

I feel bad.
I made her cry. I haven't done that to another girl since high school. Not like i've made boys cry either, but i wish i could.

Im not a heartless bitch. I just told her what she needed to realize. What i've known all along.

We're smart girls, we know where we've fucked up.

It's just denial is so much nicer. Avoiding it means it doesn't exist, right? I'm coping.....really.....I'll do it, later...

Hmmm, lessons i haven't learnt myself. And im trying to tell you it's gonna keep on nipping at your heels, haunting the moments before you fall asleep until you learn it. and fix it.

Because we want it badly enough. So badly the pain is worth it. Because it will hurt. There is a price to pay, always.

So i tell myself. and im teling you. Our battles are different, but the lessons the same.

owh, it's tomorrow..........

Well, if you dont hear from me soon you know what happened.

Ah, the wednesdays

I've been lying around my house in my pyjamas for the past 12 hours.

i came home last night to tv and defrosted rendang. Fell asleep in front of the telly watching the departed. Thought i'd start work at midnight, but instead passed out till this morning.

I moved to the living room- thick toast with kaya, lovely cafetier expresso and leftover rendang while lounging watching daytime tv. I needed a change of scenery after a terrible case of Judge Judy and crawled back into bed.

It's quater to 1 now and im running a bath to try and save my day.

very Lush thinking, but if a DJ can save my life, im sure a bath can save my day. And my job application. Drag me out of depression. Stop me from having that cigaratte.

Tough call for a bath, but it might just do it. The bath is full now, teedleedoo.

I need nicer knees

wah, shy!

p/s i cannot draw.

Click to enlarge



catalog of injuries:
1. sore left thumb
2. very bruised ego

Life's difficult for stupid, fat and ugly girls.

Truth.

that's why you only see smart, skinny pretty ones.

Im almost there, but at least i can catch a cold. Hmphhhpfttt....what's the use of that?

Ineffective friday night spent in my living room wrapped up in homework watching Christian Bale in Equilibrium (the man is beautiful).

Blissful sleep. Wishful thinking.

Slow start this morning, working on my job application form. White space questions suck.
This cold is growing on me. The tickle in my throat is turning into a cough and im getting all coryzal.

Holy crap!

I enjoyed my day in paeds.

I'm getting old- im starting to tolerate children. As long as i can hand them back.

I've lost my stetoscope

and to be honest i have lost so much more today.

Im an idiot.
I hate it that i cant help it. My brain's quit, keeled over, quite dead. I'm still alive. I'd thought brain failure would cause instant death.

Instead it's slow. Painfully slow. As slowly as the smoke will cause cells in my lungs to go renegade suicide.

Hmmm.

Fear

I've had a few run ins with crime lately, but i witnessed today takes cake.

It's midnight on a saturday and im waiting at the bus stop. It's pretty cold and im singing to myself. The roads are empty, with the odd person walking by once and awhile.

On the opposite side of the road a man falls off his bike. A misjudgement of the kerb, not that anybody hit him. The roads are empty. I stand up to look- he doesn't look terribly hurt. I think about running to help, but i see 2 guys running over to him.

Instead of helping him up one of them tugs the bicycle from under this guy and ride away with it. The other runs after his friend. They're laughing.

The poor man gets up to run after them. Im in shock. I wonder if i should shout, say something. Yell help.....but i didnt. I stared, in shocked just stared. The boys cycle/run into the park and the man runs in after them. Im still shocked silent. No one passes by that i can ask to help. Im alone, with no phone.

2 minutes later, the other boy is riding on the bike out of the park. He throws off the man's shopping that is hanging on the handlebars. His friend runs off in the opposite direction. I'm too scared to shout anything. I worry about myself. No one passes, still. I stand there; alert, scared.

5 minutes later a bus ambles along. 10 minutes later im home safe. I pray that the guy is alright. I wish i had the guts to do something, anything.

This city is starting to scare me.
People are starting to scare me.

The funniest thing this week

Crime victim part two

My bicycle, the second one, was the victim of an attempted robbery tonight.

They took my basket off my bike, stole the D-lock that was inside and tried to steal the bike.

Luckily my locks held. Instead they decided to bend my back wheel, rendering my bike un-cycleble and forcing me to push my bike home. A whole 40 minutes walk, at night, near midnight.

Again it was Ka-chan that helped me get through my cycle woes. She talked to me most of the way back, kept me company and sane.

I need to get a new back wheel. And a new D-lock.

Now i wish i didnt bought those shoes today.



the mood in this song is right. It sings of diets, the sea, allergic reactions to anasthetic agents, smoking and seeing the past and the future in perfectly while drowning.

This is what i'm working towards in Kendo

It's all about coordination and stamina. Both of which i don't have.