Tarot card readings

I find tarot card readings are a good way to gain insight into whatever situation im in. Sometimes they give me hope, i tend to choose to believe the more favourable ones.

I doubt a deck of cards can give me answers i need- but they might be able to show me the way.

The best picks of today's reading-

Past:
A showoff. An imposter. An overly confident actress. A drama queen. A spoiled woman who whines and enjoys the sound of her own voice. Pretension.

Present:
Dreams. A fertile imagination. Numerous and sometimes conflicting desires. Dreaming up options. Window shopping for paths and goals. Bemused and confused by the possibilities of options. Realization of a long shot. Surprises. Humour, thrills, and vision.

Future:
Animal impulse and instinct. Primal knowledge. Tension between order and chaos. Reconciling the cultured vs. natural state of being. The wisdom of the subconscious making its influence felt via one's appetites and aversions.

Well, i would say that's a very favourable reading. My question was pretty specific, but i felt the answer is referring to my life at the moment, which is going off-kilter. My world is spinning so slowly that it's losing it's gravitational pull and falling off it's axis. Bits are falling out left right and centre, but i am scarily calm. I worry for a moment, panic for a bit, but i sleep well at night. I hope the cards are showing a change in my attitude towards life, and perhaps an improvement in the general situation?

We'll wait and see.

Wish me luck for the exam on friday that i have not studied for.

It may be the meds

i think i know where my anxiety and confusion is coming from.

It's the meds im taking to help me lose weight and stay warm. They're legal, proven to be safe for human consumption, in use everywhere- just not licensed or recommended for weight loss.

It's working- i've loss a bit of weight, even though ive been on a binge this week. 3 tubes of pringles will testify (one was even stolen from a friend). Im missing close to 3 weeks of lectures this year going off on holiday. I am asking for it.

Two weeks are lost due to sheer confusion. I shall never be careless with dates and booking flight tickets- i will always check the personal diary. Always!!

Good news is i bagged 240 quid tickets (return!) to Malaysia! I'll be back at the end of March for about 4 weeks- dont tell my dad, it's a surprise for his big 50 birthday!

It seems the meds are making me more bipolar too. Im gonna get tested after christmas to see what the meds have been doing to my body- my doctor is gonna get a good laugh and maybe i'll get an endocrinologist......appointment.

Death Cab for cutie was amazing

Ben Gibbard has inspired me to keep on working hard to lose weight.
I didnt recognize him initially- gone is the cuddly grizzly man. He's well slim now, clean shaven with smooth hair.

I prefer the grizzly, cuddly bear look. Stylist are evil.

He still sings the same though.....lovely noise....

The gig was great! Only thing was they didnt play 'we look like giants' or '405'. But they did play sound of settling, i will follow you into the dark and what sara said, among the few.

Ben didnt say much, didnt even intro most of the songs. I loved how he estimated about half of the audience in love before he launched into "i will follow you into the dark". It was just Ben and his acoustic guitar while the rest of the band just sat on stage, quietly singing along.

Chris looked the quintessential nerdy indie guitarist. The girls were enamoured with the bassist Nicholas, who was centre stage for pretty much the whole gig. My centre stage view was taken up by the neck of a swedish emo boy. Ben on the left and chris on the right.

It was great to finally see them live. Yeay!

eliza day is the 9th november!

That's what my friends decided anyway....

After the usual sunday evening dinner and Heroes my friends surprised me with presents and red velvet cupcakes!

I was very confused by it all, but very happy!!!

They gave me the super Mary Berry cookbook and the cutest t-shirt ever....It says on the front: Hello, my name is ninja and the back is a picture of two samurai swords crossed. Kawaii!!!!!!

I'm using all the happy energy from yesterday to get me through a miserable monday. It's been pouring since morning, i left the house at 6 a.m and i didnt manage to buy a gift for my brother.
I'm also soaked all the way down to my undies- wet Vans, soggy socks and sopping jeans are not good at all. Plus my cigarettes are all stale and disgusting. I starting to think the meds im taking to help rev up my metabolism isnt working because i feel absolutely miserable and tired all the time. Im not sure if it's the weather, the meds or the fact i have S.A.D (self diagnosed, of course). Oddly enough my study meds are shown to help with S.A.D- too bad i've finished those.

I think i just need some exercise and sunlight- but in Southend that involves rain, which just negates any goodness from the exercise and sunlight. For a coastal town Southend is pretty dismal.

It bounces back: TAGGED

I have much studying to do and so i shall do my best to reply a tag. I shall not tag people because i dont feel like putting people in the spot today, screw the rules. I was tagged by H.E.L.E.N. I like her and her blog- she is funny and thoughtful at the same time. Plus, she takes lots of pictures of food. (imagine i am saying the whole paragraph is a really bad french accent, then you'll get the sentence structure...)

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any 1 questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by and continue this game by sending it to other people.


1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Blind rage

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To be skinny

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
My own

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
a fifth to charity
a fifth to family
a fifth to buy all my friends designer handbags
a fifth for me to spend, spend spend
the last fifth to invest.

i'm boring, i know......

5. Will you fall in love with your bestfriend?
I love all my bestfriends but not in a romantic kind of way. I have strict friendcest rules.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone. I think that in a relationship the two people never love each other the same amount. There is always one side who is more ardent, more devoted, more in love. It's tiring to love someone and not have that love reciprocated the same way, so being loved is definitely more blessed.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I'd like to say forever but in all honesty i will probably wait until someone who absolutely adores me comes along and sweeps me off my feet (into a flashy sports car, im too heavy to carry)

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I'd get over it, we'll be friends and maybe in 5 years, when im really drunk, confess it all and the next morning pretend it didnt happen. He'll be surprised, it'll come up over coffee 3 days later and he'll ask why. I'll tell him it was because he's funny and nice. What i wont tell him is that i never got over him 100%. I never get over them 100%, because i usually have decent taste in men. They'll stay funny and nice and i'll always be a little in love, but it's ok. I get to keep them close as friends.

9. What do you pray each day for your loved one?
I dont pray as much as i should. My prayers are that they're are happy, healthy and may they never have reason to be disappointed in me.

10. What makes you fall in love the fastest?
It's when they care and they make me laugh.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
I want to be happy, successful and fulfilled but i worry that it might never happen. I want so many things so badly, i fear that if i say it out loud i may jinx it and it may never happen.

12. What do you really want at the moment of responding to this tag?
To cuddle up by a warm fire with a nice man. Add blankets, hot chocolate and indie music.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A beautiful girl who's bright and refreshing- in spite of everything untainted by bitterness. Loves her food and eats out a lot!

14. Would you rather be: rich and miserable or poor but happy?
Daniel and I decided this a long time ago: We'd rather be miserable in style. Expensive style.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Look at the clock.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
No. I'm too self-centered. I'd never sacrifice everything for someone else.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The taller one.

No, im kidding.

The one who loves me more.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
I forgive, but i dont usually forget.

19. Is there a relationship that you regret working hard for it?
I've never had a proper romantic relationship, but i doubt i'll work hard for it. Im lazy. If it's too much work i will drop it.

20. Would you leave your family behind just to chase your dreams?
I would, they'd kick my ass if i didn't. As long as the dream is doesn't involve me getting tattoos or piercings.

8 easy steps

This song hits home, hard.....
The video is a insult to injury

Do not duplicate

Usually, i dont berate myself too much for being a little self sacrificing when im trying to be nice and helpful.
Usually, im a pretty good judge of character.

Most of the time, i accept little inconveniences as part and parcel of being nice (and let karma handle the check and balances).
Most of the time i'm patient.

Usually, i dont make bad decisions.

Well, i've made a huge mistake this time. It involves a little phrase etched on my key- do not duplicate. It's going to be the bane of my existence for the next two months.

I have procured myself a roomate and we only have a key between us. We have different schedules and busy lives that centre in the opposite poles of London. Im a self sacrificing meek doormat studying in the East and he's a self-obsessed, self-serving fuss pot who wants to live the high-life that works in the West. It doesnt make for a very happy cohabitation......

I dont like having to be demanding, but it looks like i have to be. Good thing is that i will be away on outfirm for a month, so that means only worrying over weekends, Mondays and odd Wednesdays for the next four weeks. After that i'll be busy with crazy people so my home craziness shouldn't bother me so...(ans he's leaving mid december....).

I wonder how i could have begun to imagine this was a good idea. He just moved in at noon today- had the cheek to plan moving in without even asking me when i'm available. Worse, had the nerve to suggest i prepare the room and his mattress as he goes out for Halloween fun with his friends. And the worst, for today anyway, is that i have to waste more than an hour of my time waiting to get my keys so i can get into my house. The reason im waiting- he's window shopping in knightsbridge and is only heading down to tower hill at 5. Even asked me to go down to tower hill to pick up my keys....What the fuck? Seriously? My time is worth less than yours? What the fuck?

I feel slightly used. He's chipping in for rent, but it's like a third of what he'll pay anywhere else. Im regretting my decision to invite him to stay. Im a bit sad that im starting to resent this arrangement because we were such good friends. I doubt we can stay good friends if this keeps up.

I'll probably spend more time in the library and at the gym but it's really bad to have so much anger- it's slowly tainting my aura and making me feel miserable.

it comes and it goes

Im now fully committed to a self-improvement regime.
I've never eaten healthier, exercise more or taken such care with my face.
It's a lot of work.
and im finding that the harder i work, the worse i feel about myself.
Self hate sometimes rises up my gut like bile, giving a bad taste in my mouth. I start feeling sick and miserable then spend an hour worrying and looking up possible plastic surgery to fix what's wrong.

I think i have body dysmorphic disorder, but not the usual kind.

Jeans shopping last friday
I walked into one of the bigger high street clothes store. It's trendy clothes and i do own jeans from there. Walking along the denim section, i peruse through cuts, washes, waist cuts. I pick up an interesting pair of jeans.....yeah, they look my size, let's just check the tag....nope, they're actually 3 sizes too small.
That's my problem- i see myself as someone that is smaller, cuter, smarter, nicer. I think im so great when the glaring truth is that: i suck at lot more than i think i suck.
Graphically:

mezavant xl sponsors liez's post-it

I dont think a case like mine has appeared in medical literature yet.

day of near misses

Almost missed the bus this morning,
but the bus driver stopped in the middle of the road to let me on.

Almost late for lectures,
but got there in time to grab a coffee
Thanks Mr bus driver sir.

Got my handbooks signed off
which almost didnt happen because of crap scheduling

Almost lost my wallet
but found it near the vegetable store-thank god.
Thanks mr owner of vegetable stall
for discount on cilantro
and finding my wallet

Im so lucky sometimes
Actually im lucky a lot

meet mr butter

I Will Never Love You More - SoKo (live)

You're a star

Hey eliza, you're a star, you can be whatever you want to be. Just reach up and take it.

Remember, you're a star.

That wasn't self motivation. A cynical, caustic, realist friend told me this as i passingly remarked how it was gonna impossible for me to become a surgeon.

This is the same person who offered to beat up the malaysians when i was really upset with them and also the source of the line, "real men don't feel cold" (said while standing sopping wet in the rain, all cool-like).

Funny guy. Still, didnt expect him to come out with a line like that.
Maybe it was a joke.

High and Dry - Lele De Los Van Van ft. Radiohead

It's a great version of a really sad song. Kinda reflects the wierdly introspective but static mood i've been in the past few days.

As far as i can pick up, with my rubbish spanish the lyrics are fairly there.

I feel strangely mentally lethargic. I cant seem to inspire interest in anything. My attempt to spice my life up is to spend money on music and dvds, search ebay for kendo equipment and makeup brushes and obsess about my weight and skin condition. Then i sleep.

But everyday is like a record on repeat- im just going round and round, going through the motions. The music is good but it's getting boring.

Rainy day

My hair now resembles spun sugar piled on my shoulders. It's very very soft and very big thanks to the combination of deep conditioners and rain.

The rain makes everything damp, my shoes and socks, the bottom of my jeans. I had to suffer a broken umbrella- the spines dont work properly, so it lies flat rather than domed and has a habit of turning inside out at the slightest breeze. The umbrella is a 'borrowed and never returned' item so i cant really complain. For the life of me i cannot find my trusty M&S brolly. I imagine it's probably at a friend's house, still drying. Still better an umbrella that resembles a daun keladi then no umbrella- it's the different between poufy softness or dripping wet.

I got caught it a pour late this afternoon- i got properly soaked then. It was almost like playing in the rain, except this was running for the bus.

I will sleep now. Rain soaked heads are sleepy heads.

The pink kebaya

My pink kebaya is beautiful. I love the embroidery of lighter and darker pink on the sheer pink material. I've had it for a year now and im yet to wear it. It's due to the simple reason i cant fit into it.

Since last year, not much has changed. Im still obese, im still depressed, i'm still terrible at what i do and i still cant fit the kebaya.

My valiant efforts at dieting really isnt making a dent in my waistline. My attempts at exercising just gives me painful knees and a hefty gym bill. I'm yet able to afford surgery or induce spontaneous anorexia.

When i look in the mirror i usually dont hate the way i look. I'll think, "oh, my tummy hangs out a bit, gosh....." then i put some clothes on and it's over. If i lived the life of a hikikomori (wikipedia elaborates here) i'd be alright. Not necessarily happy, but content with my image. It's when i compare myself to other girls i get distressed. My friends are mostly slim- one girl has managed in the past year to diet herself down to a bobble-headded beauty. She looks fantastic in clothes- when she dresses up now, her body looks amazing.

Back to me. When i buy clothes and try them on, i realize i don't look like what people are suppose to look like. My proportions are all wrong. I get fooled because of the easy availability of larger clothes here in the uk. Back home i just looked frumpy because there was nothing to wear- wearing men's clothes and trying to look cool was a coping mechanism to the lack of feminine clothes for fat people. Here i manage to dress feminine because clothes are available- however because of my shape delusion i opt for styles more suitable for my slimmer counterparts and thus look awkward.

Is my fatness central to my social inclusion and deep psychiatric/psychological issues? Most probably yes, but to what degree, i cannot say. I cannot blame the fat for all my problems any more than i can blame my mother for giving birth to a fat baby that stayed fat.

How does the pink kebaya factor in? I desperately want to wear it and look fabulous in it.

I was feeling depressed and suicidal

But I found this, so it cant be too bad. So what if my world crumbles around my ears and the party tomorrow flops- i'll live to suffer the shame and humiliation.
It will be bad, but it cant be worse than a VIP ticket to hell, no?
If you cant stand the kermit voice, listen to the sad yet soothing elliot smith's original needle in the hay.
The video is kid of a piss take of the royal tenembaums where one of the sons attempts suicide. He lives to make out with his sister.
It's ok, she's adopted.

My first designer purchase

Is a Ralph Lauren polo t-shirt. 

It's not for me though, it's for a friend. Two of us chipped in to get it- he loved his present, so im glad. It took ages for us to decide what to get. We are more like a bickering couple than friends now and we look like such the odd couple. 

The weekend was fueled with excellent food and drink- been eating out all sat/sun and there's 2 red velvet cake left on my window sill (i had one for tea). Im exhausted and feeling a little rough, but lots of noodles and ibuprofen will fix me right up. 

Im tired and there's too much work to do. 

Im gonna try the weight loss thing again

(Nangka)




pokok cengal

sleep tonight

to forget the failing grade
the shame of ignorance
and bad tenses

in spite of clothes everywhere
dirty dishes stacked
and insane mess

Why I'm not ready to have a boy

My phone bill is forty quid this month. Im appalled- it's never ever been this high.
I blame in on one person, my new boy. We'll talk on the phone for awhile (never too long, i get hot-ear syndrome) but i guess because it's everyday....

I've zero-ed out my minutes and left with 6 free text.
And a forty quid bill. I guess this month's savings will be a little less.

And my new boy is not really my boy. He's a really good friend im taking care of at the moment. He's a handful and a headache- the fusion of a petulant child and a shopaholic queen. Something like this, just with more attitude and less lassitude (and sans dove- he'd strangle it first cos it'd get feathers on his nice woollen sweater that costs more than the aforementioned phone bill).(truth be told, he looks nothing like this but this is the closest to vanity + petulant +pretty + skinny boy i could find)

But still, we have a good time out, although im usually left bewildered and just a little sad that he can never be just happy.

Happy to splash about in puddles, happy just to be out with me, happy just to be alive.

I'm very mum-like when it comes to him. Someone has to drum some sense into the boy- though like most mums i just want him to be happy.

I've gotta cut down on the crazy phone calls next month. No more mollycoddling.

Raya

Raya in london has lost it's luster.

Living away from the Malaysians has made the celebrations less festive, less kepoh, much less exciting. Raya never meant much to me personally anyway. It was always about other people- inviting people to open house, visiting people's open houses, watching god-awful reruns of maria mariana or tragedi october and the really depressing raya songs (or the very ceria ones i could never connect to).

raya when i was a kid was always about work- i had to peel onions and shallots till my hands reeked of them. The smell of shallots on my hands brings me back to my childhood of sitting on the kitchen floor with the basin full of onions, wondering if i'll ever manage to peel them all. There was the time mom used to make serunding- even dad got roped in to help shred the chunks of beef into fine floss.

baju raya was always something to celebrate, although i always thought i didnt look as pretty as the other girls. But then it wouldnt matter much because i'll be stuck in the kitchen for the most part- serving drinks and doing dishes. Last wednesday at my aunt's place, i had such a sense of nostalgia washing dishes in my baju kurung. It was a flash back to 10 years ago, when i'd be doing the exact same thing at home.

I hated raya because of the work. I couldn't appreciate seeing family, sitting down to eat the 6th bowl of nasi impit and kuah kacang of the day. In the end, it's about people. Seeing and chatting with people i sometimes meet only once a year. It's really sad that some of my favorite older relatives have passed away and most of my memories of them was of when i was a child.

Celebrations this year fell flat- i got the day of raya wrong, so i spent the day on firms, super-busy. The next day started out awful and i got caught up in a designer shopping spree, feeling terribly out of place. Dinner at aunt's later made everything better- it felt homey.

My old housemates (the Malaysians) did a raya bash on friday- i was invited as a guest and was told to just come by, to not bother making anything. As if living away wasnt bad enough, now they were treating me like an outsider, a guest. It stung a little- i enjoyed the big raya parties we use to hold every year (i whinged about it, but actually, i really enjoyed the insanity of a big massive cookout). I came in work clothes, looking a bit worse for wear when lo behold, the former man i was obsessed with was there. This year i managed to actually salam him and say 'selamat hari raya'. I know im no longer obsessed because i would have frozen and then swooned if this happened 2 years ago.

The MSD party today was alright. I feel so old- lots of my old friends are no longer around, they've all graduated and moved on. There was the odd person i knew and people i recognized, but somehow, it's just not festive. One of my company today was decidedly uncomfortable and unhappy (except the bowl of lodeh made his day), but he's never that happy when he's with me anyway, so i told myself to not take it to heart. Food was very good though and i wolfed down a fair bit. I didnt even take that many photos- didnt feel too pretty today.

So that's the end of my raya whine. I will have a raya do, probably in 2 weeks time before i leave for the coast. Lots of people want check out the new place and there are people that i haven't seen yet. It'll be a mission, cooking all that by myself, but hey, i always survive and still throw a decent party.

Im so (insert a feeling here) i wish i could die

It's one of those weekends
Where things just go wrong from the morning
And there's no one to blame but myself

I know going to bed will not fix anything
but at least it's warm

how do you know something is right

how do you decide if something is right?

Is it a gut feeling 

or something that properly thought out, planned, logical and makes sense?

I dont want to pursue something that will waste my time

But im wasting time doing nothing

So how do i decide?

Is it a serendipity, fate, luck

or think, ponder, analyze?

On a different note:

Baz is bad for me. 

He makes me want a Bottega Vanneta clutch and a Chanel 2.55. 

My justification is that it's an investment- my granddaughters will love me for it. 

Raya sucked. I felt alone, unloved, fat and ugly (when did i ever felt slim and beautiful?)

It picked up later in the day somewhat- at least i can still laugh at the irony of the situation. 

I realize i giggle to cover my nervousness and any feelings of insecurity. 

Im so insincere, i lack politeness and decorum- it bothers me. My shyness makes me meek, but i lack politeness and sincere caring. 

Sorry, i was off on a tangent. A little self hate goes a long way. 

Listening to Placebo doesnt help. 

But the pain is feels so good sometime. 

Hurt me just a little bit more.

Tagged

I was tagged ages ago by Izy (24th June to be exact). 

I decided to do this tag thing now because there's a tonne of other stuff to do, but i like a distraction. Especially one in Malay (now that's gonna be a challenge)

Jom kita mulakan!

1. 7 fakta mengenai saya

    - saya perempuan

    - saya sangat gemuk (hampir tahap obese)

    - saya mewarnai rambut saya warna hitam

    - saya suka berdolak dalih 

    - saya suka membazirkan masa

    - saya selalu menagguh kerja 

    - saya suka makan

2. 7 perkara yang menakutkan saya

    - akan berseorangan selama-lamanya

    - kematian orang yang disayangi

    - menjadi seorang yang membosankan

    - tikus

    - akan masuk neraka

    - mengecewakan harapan ibu-bapa dan keluarga

    - kehilangan mana-mana deria

3. 7 lagu buat masa sekarang yang diminati

    - hujan- skandal

    - sufjan stevens- lakes of canada (this song can change your life)

    - metro station- shake it

    - pussycat dolls- when i grow up

    - neutral milk hotel- oh comely

    - sufjan stevens- for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti

    - peter sarstedt- where do you go my lovely

4. 7 perkara saya selalu sebut

    - yup

    - ok

    - nevermind

    - im so fat now

    - it's fine

    - i'll diet

    - i'll do it tomorrow

5. 7 perkara amat bernilai kepada saya

    - keluarga

    - rakan-rakan

    - deria-deria

    - external hard disk

    - laptop

    - kotak penuh dengan surat-surat dan kad lama 

    - barangan kemas 

6. 7 pertama kali dalam hidup (yang kiranya penting)

    - kali pertama merasai escargot

    - kali pertama mabuk

    - kali pertama mencederakan diri sendiri

    - kali pertama melancong seorang diri

    - kali pertama masak kuah kacang

    - rokok pertama

    - pertama kali tersalah ambil darah pesakit

7. 7 orang saya mahu tag

    - aaron

    - zul

    - rama-chan (boleh buat entry...dah lama kita semua tunggu entry baru)

    - wenxian (rindu awak tau.....)

    - elias

    - baz

    - helen

Done with tagging. Now back to work!

   

need sleep

the joke is that i wanna become the samurai/ninja surgeon who shirunkens my patients bits accurately and live off 4 hours sleep. 

Since that is unlikely, im gonna sleep now.

zzzzzzzzz

later.....

i meant shuriken. And to be fair, kiki suggested it, not me. She said it'll be an interesting way to make the initial incision. I just wanted to survive on little sleep. Didnt happen, slept till two  in the afternoon and felt mighty guilty about it

Unhappy

London can be lonely. When there's no one who knows you or understands what you're trying to say. They mean well with their platitudes and well-planned distractions; but late at night there's something missing and it's not enough.

Lying there staring into space the darkness creeps in, like a black hole, taking every bit of feeling with it. Within it nothing exists, no mass and i feel the same. 

I cant take it away, im not what you need. I try but it's not enough and im sorry. Im not it, i dont know how to be and you wont let me. Dont depend on me because i will let you down; make your happiness your own my love, because people are unreliable. 

Chest drains

Momma had a massive pneumothorax and i missed it.

Basically, her lung collapsed. It's a pretty bad thing and you need to have minor surgery to correct it, but it isn't life threatening. It must have been progressing slowly; i missed it when i called her on sunday. She'd been complaining of a dry cough and some chest pain. They picked it up at the GPs 3 days later.

The chest drain is in, she's in a little pain, but it'll clear up in a few days. She sounds alright. They say she can go home friday.

new place

Im sure the big guy's smirking

Being deaf as post from years of headphone misuse, i have a tendency to mis-hear lyrics to songs and end up making up my own which usually sound fairly similar to what's being sung. I sing it loud and proud with the wrong lyrics, although i get embarrassed when i get corrected. 

Most of the time i like my versions better. 

Sometimes i wonder if God's watching me and laughing at my pathetic attempts at change. I force myself to take small risks, make minor changes, just to see if it'll make a difference. A difference to what end im not sure, but for simplicity's sake let's say a difference to my destiny, the lifepath, my fate. 

I like the idea of reincarnation, the only problem is that it doesnt fit in the islamic faith model.  All im getting is a single attempt, one run and supposed to get it right the first time. Im a slow learner, therein lies my problem. 

I actually just wanted to say that im thinking of doing Kendo.  Im not sure if it's a good idea, if it is worth doing or why im even doing it. There's a famous quote somewhere that kinda goes "above all, be true to yourself". I think it's Hamlet. So, the truth is:

-i imagine i wont get anywhere with rowing

-i think kendo is cool (it's juvenile, but mentally i've not matured since 15)

-i'm in a japanese phase at the moment

-it's new and people in the team are nice

Worries:

-it's hard and im not fit

-there's lotsa equipment i need to get

-that i'll go nowhere with it, like rowing (i was so optimistic in the beginning)

-there's very few girls in the team

i think im gonna go with kendo, just because i went last week and told this nice girl i'll see her next week. Also, i have nothing better to do on a monday evening so why not mess about with heavy bamboo sticks?

oddly, this was inspired by the song  about rowing on the lakes of canada. 

My favorite, wrongly worded lines from the song:

look for me another day

i feel that i could change

oh laughing man

what have you done

dont tell me what cannot be done

my little heart

my winter lungs

dont tell me what cannot be done

Ah, i remember

He he, im only just sending my exam results to my sponsors. I got the lowest mark ever last year for my practical paper. Ouch. Still, passing means i get money to buy books (or go skiing). 

I found the brass tag to my old room key and shazzer's spare locker key in my miniature chest of drawers, bundled in with sewing thread, needles and buttons. 

Damn i miss having her around. 

moving in

finally i can see the floor. I managed to arrange and stuff other things into boxes, drawers or under the bed. 

Some semblance of order. Only now i have clothes drying everywhere, and i dont know where to hide my hats. 

Seeing the floor is good enough for today. 

Quote of the day

Courtesy of anime:

*Bishounen are this country's (Japan's) treasure!*

Bishounen are beautiful boys, the kind that look a little androgynous, with fine bone stucture and look  good enough to eat. 

thought of the day

Kuaci is not much fun alone.

I found this at a friend's blog

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

by Helen Hays in Roy Newquist

Back in london

And writing again. 

I didn't write when i was home because i didn't have to. There were friends and family. Even my mother is good enough company, better company than myself. Now im a little lonely and a little sad. It's a large dose of homesickness and a dash of change. The move was a bad idea on many parts. Moving was a bloody mission- i thank a certain skinny but strong boy and another lovely friend for Herculean effort. I've met and talked to only one of the girls here- she's lovely, but on a kindredship level, there's very little. There 2 others, one i've said hello to, and another i've not met. Maybe it's me, hiding out in my room. I miss my old housemates, i miss the comfort of having people who know me around me. I don't deal with change well, i dont deal with certain people well. But that's another blog entry. 

I took the blog offline for awhile because i didnt like where it was going. 

It's not just the blog, I don't like myself as a person and the person im becoming. 

Im still looking for home. If you find it, can you tell me?

Later in the day:

I met the other girl. She lives next to me and she's a bloody light sleeper. I woke her yesterday while puttering about from the loo and back. We have noisy doors. She's in her final year too.  I wonder who i offended to deserve this. 

Neuroses

I blame my neuroses on my fucking neurotic crazy family. 

It's not my fault, i have to live with this shit. Now i realize why i left and have a residual reluctance go stay home. 

They project the worst of themselves unto me. I realize again now why i hate them. 

Ugh. Im should've picked an earlier flight. 

Stomach bug

i have a tummy flu.

I was awfully ill yesterday with extreme lethargy, the runs and excruciating tummy cramps. 

i still have a headache and my food isnt sitting well in my tummy, even if i am hungry. im glad for the nothing to do- the down time is nice. 

I'm still a bit lost with maccy-baby, who's the new laptop. It's annoying, but im being patient. 

japan

In all my Japan photos i manage to look like a deranged, fat flamenco dancer. Add Japan's midsummer heat wave i look like a melting deranged, fat flamenco dancer.

I dont know what to say about this trip. Too much happened and not nearly enough sleep. I can't even begin to analyze how i felt and what i thought. The people i met were fantastic (kindredship abound) but i cant say the same about Japan asa country.

It fascinates, it astonishes, but i don't feel welcome. Im not sure if im the inside or outside the goldfish bowl.

It's ok to make mistakes

Once.
Then you're expected to learn from it.

What i've learnt this year is that im not as strong, as smart or as capable as i thought i am.
I need a lot of help and i should not be ashamed of asking for it.
I have wonderful, amazing friends whose house is now full of stuff. My stuff.
I will not even start imagining moving all that to the new place which is very-very far away.
Next year will be my year of elimination.

I am not able to let go of material goods.

But i will learn how.

Liez,

you do not need 7 Tefal pans or all those ripped up jeans.

You do not need all those shrunken t-shirts.

Next year i will purge my room of all old unneccessary things. I dont want to be a junk collecting bag/box lady. I dont want to suffer when moving. Like today, tonight.

I cant help but think that my things define me. But they dont. My experiences do, and i should learn how to savour them more, cherish them and remember them.

I should not be ashamed of not knowing.
But eager to learn and remember.

I will never again get high 10 hours before i need to get on a plane. Worse, having to pack and shovel all my stuff away before then. The high helped the packing- the hours felt like minutes and the pain and panic is a haze.

The sun is rising now and i am headed home. My third year as a medical student has ended and im sad for lost opportunities and hoping that i made through the year. They'll be changes next year, difficult adaptations. For my anchor is leaving me, at long last. I may have, in the last years, imagine i have lost her, but physically she was always near. Now, oceans will part us, and distance and laziness will wear at what's left.

The last vestiges of green haze still adhere to the peripheries of my conciousness- even when im high i feel lonely.

The power of belief

Will the sheer belief that i will pass help me pass?

I hope against hope i will.

I don't see an alternative.

Today was ok. I hope for a better tomorrow.

Then its frenzy packing, loading up and off home!

It's a need, no longer a want

There's the ciggies and the painkillers.
When did i turn into a 1/2 a pack a day kida girl?

It's ironic if medical school killed me.

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me
If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

paper one part 2- done

it was HARDER.

I've even lost my appetite for shopping.

paper one- done

it was not what i expected.
It was HARD.

Discombobulated

Out-of-sorts

Plain wierd.

Argh, help me regain my sanity, wits and wisdom.

------------------------------------------------------

Young people angry at politicians
shopping for mayonaise while staring the most beautiful woman with gorgeous legs encased in knee high white/purple gym socks. The socks did it for me.
An unexpected phone call.
A choice to make, decisions.
No time.
Much to read.

slightly less discombobulated.
Stuff i need to read still is a 'mille-feiulle'

-------------------------------------------------------

Decision made.
I hope i didnt just imagine that phone call.
Life is complicated.

Mille-feuille

So.....much........to.......read.......

Exam....thursday..........

Note:
Hot librarians are not a myth. My library have successfully acquired 3 of these rare, delectable specimens.

Hypochondriac

It is fair to go to the emergency dept of the hospital and tell them that im feeling unwell?

It's all non-specific, but the nausea, tiredness, lack of concentration and swollen right leg is suspicious.

Im scared there's actually something wrong with me. But it would be good to know what it is, if there is something, instead of thinking i'm some paranoid delusional hypochondriac.

The doctor's appointment is scheduled for next monday. The paper is on thursday and friday.

Unproductive

But at least im awake at stupid hours.

5 days and 20 hours....just about?

Stalker songs

I never realized the sheer number of songs with stalker undertones.
Most of them don't sound creepy at all, until you read the lyrics, out loud, without the music.

For example, DCFC's I will possess you heart. I think it's a sweet song by a confident guy who got dismissed once by a girl he really liked. But it could also be a really creepy confident guy who will stop at nothing to 'possess' this girl's heart (take the line literally and there you go, horror flick!)

Coldplay's Shiver is another stalker song. Thanks S for bringing this to my attention. I just thought it was a song of unrequited love but no, it's an outright stalker song. "I will always waiting for you," can be taken as lover's token of fidelity or a real creepy stalker's line.

And of course, the ultimate stalker song would be Sting's Every breath you take. I dont even need to elaborate on that one.

There's too many to list, really, but these two are the ones seeming not on people's list. I'll add more if i find them. Stalking stalker songs. Way to go alliteration!

It's less than a week away

Im frightened
I wish i could have photographic memory

My dad knew someone with photographic memory- He said it was really cool that she knew everyone by name

I want it to go well.

I want a good summer.

The fear and the horror.

Suitcases and shoeboxes

Moving stuff out to friends' place for the summer.

They've got a car, so we're doing the bulk today, 2.5 weeks before im actually flying home.

Talk about kan-cheong.

But i have a lot of stuff. What you see there is about 70%. Minus the TV.

I have too many suitcases and shoeboxes.

Strangely calm, oddly unfocused

Im unfocused and distracted.
However, im oddly calm. There's that little fear and worry with the exams coming, but there's a big woolly and warm blanket of serenity on top of it all.

Having Des over was good. He always manages to amuse and inspire. My knees are still killing me from our hike across london. My throat is still raspy from all the ciggies.

Im worried because im calm. It's not me. I need to study more, but im distracted. I can't focus and do it. My mind wanders, i get sleepy....

Send well wishes, reiki help and pray for me. I need it.

Thanks Faiz for that cassette years ago

Thanks my dearest for the gig- you've ascended to goddess status. It's not only the tickets, but for the 5 hour wait and front-centre, elbows-on-the-barrier spot. Fantastic!

We went to see Coldplay play at the BBC.

I forgot how much i love them. The new album sounds fantastic live.....I like the new look: french revolution rugged soldier outfits....like an older, more mellow, less eyeliner my chemical romance.

the fluttering butterflies made it magic.

I was spotted by a mate on tv. There goes 0.7 seconds of my 15 minutes of fame.

Front-centre, woo hoo!!

It feels like a tornado just passed

i'll blog about it later.....now im being swept up, and going absolutely scared and mad.

The awkward kiss

It's another one of my weird dreams.

I was kissed by a character from a tv-show.
I was caught by surprise and it was one of those awkward, where do i put my hand, teeth getting in the way kisses. So very technical. So very authentic, what would happen in real life situation. And i was in my head, thinking what the hell is going on and then just letting myself be kissed.

It was pleasant though, and the tone wasn't outwardly sexual, it was more of a comforting dream. I doubt no one can really interpret your dreams for you, but i read that to dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility and contentment. I wondering where im getting all this love and affection from. Im two weeks from my exams- no, im not tranquil and not content with my level of revision.

Im wondering if this is one of those prophetic dreams(i wish...). Also, i never dream of tv, what's up with that? It's a show I enjoy, but have not watched for months. Im not the celebrity/tv character obsessed kind.

Oh well, maybe it's just my head messing with me. i should stop reading too much into things.

Shy

I wonder sometimes why i'm so terribly shy. I literally wilt and hide if i have to face someone i fancy- even if it's just the littlest silly giggly kinda fancy. I'm worse than a wallflower, at least those don't wilt.

Argh, this self confidence thing needs fixing.
So that i can face the cute boys i fancy and live life without wilting.

First ever 'foreigner' slur

I was getting midnight snacks from McDonald's with a housemate when a guy in line in front of us turned around to ask me where i'm from. I get it all the time, and usually it's asked with real curiosity, so i decided to go with the whole "where do you think i come from line?", said in a playful manner.

The guy is a typical working class white middle age guy. Looks a bit rough, but these types are usually harmless.

The other two guys in the line were guessing and after about two wrong guesses i told them i'm from malaysia. They're asian, by the way.

Anyway, this white guy then proceeds to rant about how i should try speaking english and not talk in my 'own' language with my 'own' people. The thing is we were speaking English all the while. He goes on about how london is being taken over by foreigners and that born and bred londoners, like him, are becoming a rarity. That foreigners are taking over jobs and the streets, taking the british government's money, which rightly belongs to people like him. Mind you, he's not as half as eloquent as i am here.

It's quite intimidating because he's standing right in front of me, ranting away. I'm trying to stay quiet, bite my tongue and not argue, trying to dissapate the tension and to get away without getting into a fight. The two asian guys are looking nervous, glancing at me, asking if i'm alright. Me and my friend sorta walked off, and the guy continued on his rant. He's pissing me off, the wanker, but im resisting the urge to say to tell him off.

"Im here, paying fuck loads of money and taxes to your government so that it can support dole dependant alcoholics like you who have nothing better to do than slag off hardworking immigrants. Shut up and get a job."

Well, that's a first. I wish i had the guts to just tell it to his face. But I can never find the words and the nerve.

I've been reading the BNP's manifesto, just outta curiosity. Wanna know a bit more about British Nationalism? Be warned, it may piss you off.

Finding Sufjan Steven

Good days are made up of an amusing consultant, reassuring assessments, cheap and sweet red grapes and finding Sufjan Steven's Illinoise at the local library.

Finals are in 2 weeks, 6 days and 15 hours approximately.

The essay is going in tomorrow. The worst piece of writing ever printed on earth. Ever.

Japan!

I have a funny story. Apparently i have a old high school friend living in Japan. How did i find out?My mother told me. My grandmother had told her. How did granny find out? She met an old highschool friend, and she told my friend that i was going to Japan for the summer and my friend told her how one of our old mates is there.

Stories like that make my heart go all fuzzy and warm. When i become a granny, i wanna know my grandkid's friends as well. And feed them chocolate.

My visa application was a bit of jumping through hoops, but all is well. The very Nordic looking guy with the chewed-up nails at the japanese embassy visa office was really nice about it. It should be ready next wednesday!!!

Tickets -check
Visa -check
conference t-shirt -check
amy winehouse outfit and dance moves -pending post-exam....i think i'll use the 5 quid dress, it just needs a little alteration...

The clock is ticking

I can feel the tiredness- it's a heaviness behind my eyes and the slight blurring of my mind.
It's 12.35, and i've been working for awhile. Not fast enough, not efficient enough.

I'm tired, but i know i wont be able to sleep.

I fear failure.
It keeps me from trying too hard.

Maybe it's time to stop second guessing.
Stop holding back.

As Rachel would say, you won't die.

I Will Possess Your Heart O

Im almost there with the paper, im just not sure how much revision i can fit in after.

regrets are worth nothing- its energy and time wasted. so i will not regret, only learn and hope that once and for all i will be wise in the art of studying early for exam. Wisdom is something i preach, but dont practise.

I'll go back to the essay.

Magic from the mundane.
It's my secret, hopeful optimism wrapped up in a superstitious, embittered hard shell.

Stressed

It's never been this bad.
I've reached a new, unprecedented level.

Great shoes, cute socks and fat-fat legs

That's me- you looks at the edges, at the little details and all is good.
As you zoom out to get the whole picture it starts getting a little ugly.

Tourist photo opportunity with riot police

This is a country i can live in.

Where the riot police look happy and will smile in photographs with random cheery-tourist girls.

There's hope yet, i guess.

-thanks CSA for the pic-

Mysterious Smoking Lady of the House

She's there at all hours of the day. First thing in the morning, in the deep of the night. In her sweats, holding a box of juice in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. There's some kind of elegance in her pose, leaning so casually on the pillar just outside the double layered doors. I imagine her a femme fatale in a past life, smoking at the balcony of a sumptuous party. In a killer black dress, with a glass of champagne and smoking her slim cigarette with gloved hands.

In other news- i've started packing. I begun hoarding boxes yesterday and i found a wonderful stash of sturdy boxes during my jog this morning. My pictures, postcards and posters are coming off the wall. I've started to pack the books in dont need first.

Con Toda Palabra

with all the words i have i can't say anything

il m'aime

a peu?
beaucoup?
passionement?
ala folie?

il m'aime
pas du tout

Im glad i know what it means now. It should have been obvious. But im never good at these things

Last day

We didn't bump up.

We chased them all the way till the end.
At parts i was unable to row at all.
Past 30 strokes i was exhausted.

We overlapped slightly, but never managed to hit them.

When it came to strength, we kinda faltered. But i kept on moving, im still alive and breathing.

I have many bruises. I have gored a shallow hole in my right leg and a few disgusting lacerations.

Its over. Now i have to worry about my exams.

One word

Dysthymia

anhedonia

We managed a bump today with much drama before hand. A bump is hitting/overtaking the boat ahead- a good thing.
Im happy, i guess; but the emotional turmoil in my head dulls the elation somewhat.

My hands are sore and my legs are covered in bruises and lacerations.
Even if the row back is awful, even if the crew we bumped caught a crab (not literally, it means a blade gets stuck in the water)- a bump is a bump and we managed it.

I say im not elated or joyous, but im not miserable either. I don't feel as rotten as i did yesterday.

There is still the last day of races tomorrow.

The price of forgetting

I won't slit my wrists because there is much else to be thankful for, but I will mark this event on my skin so I don’t forget.

Today I failed. Again. I failed. I was at fault. I did it. I was weak and I failed. I made a big mistake that cost us the race. We were overtaken. My crew tried, but rowing with me as deadweight didn’t help.

Forgetting is an art I have mastered. Why do I always forget? Why do I delude myself into thinking I can change?

I’ve tried, what little i could- and I have failed again. At what point does this become futile?

Things I have forgotten:
Bumps 2007

Bumps 2006

Looking back on my old blog entries, I'm truly embarrassed. I'm so full of shit, about changing my life and becoming better. Then i forget the lessons i have just learn and never change.

Save me, please...

I.....im scared.

There's no better way to say it. It's so bad that my stomach is acting up- i have bad, crampy diffuse pain across my stomach.

I used to think people who got psychosomatic symptoms were making it up. Im not making this up.

No one believes you if you look happy.

I'm getting my uniquely Liez's style anxiety attack.

- i get hungry all the time
- I laugh nervously about everything
- I talk all the time about death and dying (the wonderful escape from the terrible reality of life)
- I just want to stay under the covers and sleep (the dark blank nothing of sleep-i dont dream anymore)
- Everything hurts and my chest is tight
- I listen to sad and angry music (more than usual)

Death before Dishonour

"I don't mind dying if it's being hit by a Porsche"

This year's worse statement. I know I'm gonna regret ever saying it.

What if a Porsche did come around and hit me, thereby killing me in the process-preferably quickly. I want to donate my organs- my lungs are a bit shitty and my heart is pretty small, but everything else should be ok. Im assuming my liver is huge- cut it up and give it to a lot of people, ok? It is my last bid to go to heaven....I haven't been to good....

I fear i may disgrace myself and let my team down this Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I fear my team is blind to the fact that I SUCK. I'm so bad that anyone else would be better, but they would not believe me. I'm so scared, so terribly frightened and miserable but no one believes me. No one listens to me when i tell them that i cannot do this. That i am weak and useless.

I don't know what i can do to make them replace me. All my whinging and complaining has fallen on deaf ears.

I'm at my wits end. It is on the day after tomorrow. Hence the morbid wish of getting hit by a Porsche. If i don't die, i still can't row with a tibial/femoral/pelvic fracture. Yeah, and probably can't walk forever.

Projekt Revolution

Only the biggest two stage gig ever- linkin park, chris cornell and the bravery PLUS atreyu and a few more bands that sound pretty good.
One UK gig- June 29th.

Fuck, fuck, fuck it all to hell and back. Because i can't go. FuuuuuccccKing Helllllll

Yes, i have a linkin park obsession. It's not even cool anymore- but love is love. I've even grown to love Minutes to Midnight, the slightly different latest album.

I don't listen to them all the time- but when things get real bad and everything's messed up (a little like now), screaming along with Chester and crew makes things a lot better. The music make get off my fat arse and get moving, start living and stop whining.

The new video, Given up tries to capture the high of being in a crowd, jumping up and down while screaming "put me out of my fucking misery!!!!" And they shot the footage for the video at the O2 arena. Im in there somewhere......oh, my rock fame!!!

Bleed it out sounds a bit like the rock version of mecedonian wedding music (imagine an angry Kocani Orkestar sans accordion) Could be the clapping- even the video shows a drunkard brawl.

Click on appropriate purply bits to either rock out or listen to mecedonian wedding music.

Dido-Sand In My Shoes

Girls just wanna have fun

If you ever get a chance, listen to Greg Laswell's version of the Cindy Lauper classic, "Girls just wanna have fun". Compare and contrast with the original.

I'm writing this because i read something somewhere.

Basically the whole article was on gender stereotypes, most if which i fit into. You know, the ones where girls are shopaholics and wonderful cooks; throwers of tantrums and emotional fits; the use of feminine wiles to get what they want. What bothers me about these statements is not so much that 'oh, all girls are like that' generalization, but the subtle suggestion that boys aren't allowed to be shopaholics, brilliant cooks, get emo or use emotional blackmail. That these traits girls' exclusively and, god forbid, a boy who does these things are to be labelled *gasp* gay. The use of the word gay here is to denote lameness and not homosexuality.

I realize that i shouldn't stereotype, but hell, i do. I have this weird ideal picture of a "real man" in my head, and it kinda fits into a super masculine, uber gentleman stereotype. But, i accept that these stereotypes aren't always right (but not entirely wrong). That men are allowed to be weak, emo and care about how they look without losing any masculine points or making them less than a MAN.

But enough about boys and the manly man stereotype.
Being a girl in the 21st century is hard.

Generations ago women were expected to be great wives and mothers. Period. All you had to do to be a good woman was keep your man and the kids well fed and run a decent home. If you managed it smiling than woohoo, extra brownie points for you.

Now we're expected to keep up the good work of great grandmother's generation in addition to having a proper complete education, a great career, being a well-rounded, wholesome individual with varied interests and looking 20 years younger than our real age.
What the fuck happened? Who upped the expectations without telling us? Some people say feminist and women liberation have made it tougher for girls by putting all this pressure on us to be as good as the boys and also fulfill our unique role as women. And look fabulous doing it.

I'm not saying that the right to vote and equal opportunities is wrong- it's fantastic. It is brilliant how a girl can now be anything she wants to be and that her gender is not an issue.
The whinge is that too much is expected of girls.

Girls can't be fat, ugly or hairy. Girls have to be 'pretty', wear make-up and be nice. Who made up those fucking rules? The fact is i am miserable because i am ugly, fat (and sometimes hairy). I try to starve myself thin because i blame my social dysfunction on me being overweight. I doubt that if i were a boy, my misery due to my physical inadequacies would be this profound. I know i shouldn't be miserable just because i didn't win the genetics jackpot but it feels wrong to be comfortable as fat, ugly ole me.

I'm too tired to think and i need to be somewhere in an hour. Yes, my treatise on the effect of feminism on the psyche of young women and their life expectations is unfortunately cut short. I need to read more to say more. For every 200 pages i read, i make one good sentence.

Soy enferma y muy cansada

I got soaked at rowing yesterday- dripping, soaked to the skin wet. The water was disgusting and i looked gross to.

Had to go home "commando".

Fell asleep at about 9 and could not get up this morning. Woke up with a headache and neck stiffness. I thought it was meningitis and decided if i had to die, i might as well go sleeping. So i went back to sleep. I got up at about 11- still alive, but hungry and dehydrated.

I've got arthalgia, a background mild headache and some dyspepsia.
Gonna go study now- wasted enough time already......

Someone once told me never be to sure of your own success.



It might be that you've worked hard and you got lucky.



It could be that someone prayed for you and God listened to him/her/them.



I dont know who's praying for me; but i dont think im here because im particularly smart or hardworking.

Someone to smoke in bed with

I stole this from someone else's blog. I had to, i love this picture so much!!!
Elmo and the PG-tips monkey- match made in heaven?

What were they thinking.......?

If you dont get it: urban dict it!

*shot in Austerlitz metro station, Paris

Maybe I am addicted

I craving a cigarette- im banned from having one till the bumps are finished.

I need one now

because i cant find my OSCE notes

because i've wasted another weekend

because having coffee without ciggies isnt the same

because i miss france and i miss t

because i need strength to go see her later. It's difficult when we both love the same woman. It makes great conversation though. And whenever it comes up i feel like having a cigarette and crying.

because exams are coming in 6 weeks and i am FUCKED.

Just a little in love

with Carlos D- Interpol's bassist.
It's a well dressed band but the man out does his mates.
It's the goth-chic hair, the sharp suits and that cruel mouth.

I want a man that'll be bad for me. A man i can never get, what more keep.

Someone to smoke in bed with.

My anklet broke

One of the two string anklets i wear broke. I take everything as a sign, but im not sure how to interpret this one. I could just be the fact it's string that i've had it tied to my right foot for close to a year so it was high time for it to break.

It's so hard when things have layers and layers of meaning on them and im not sure which one is the 'real' meaning. If there is such a thing as the truth. My head is a terrible place to be in- the questioning, the contemplation, the lack of focus- forever scheming and planning. My body fails my mind- and my poor brain just runs around crazy trying to figure things out.

Im taking it as a sign that im cutting off of old, destructive ties. That im taking baby steps to moving on. What to, im not sure. But letting go of the past is good, as long as i dont forget the lessons. In the context of weight loss, of course.

I'm scared of the race that's coming up in 2 weeks. My fitness is the lowest it's ever been for a race. I almost want to get sick and drop out. I'm really, really scared.

interpol - slow hands

Like french chocolate

It was some kind of wonderful and all kinds of random.

Setting:

Weather: Sunny, clear and breezy
The soundtrack: Interpol (Slow hands, C'mere, Evil), Juno Soundtrack and some old school Dido and Jose Gonzalez. Live band playing the Killers
Location: A little flat in the centre of Paris, a room with green pattern wallpaper and noisy neighbours. A noisy hotel room at Porte de Montreuil.
Scent: Jasmine and neroli
Background:Was invited to Paris for a ball, but then subsequently found out i was gonna be abandoned for an older and prettier woman. He was apologetic about it, but still- i was going to someone else's ball, where i know no one, and he's not even gonna be with me. Merde. I was tempted not to go. So close. But, i cannot deny the lure of Paris.
Plot:
*Arriving dazed in Paris- the coach is cold, my bags too heavy. Storage lockers, expresso and pain au chocolate makes it all better.
*Spending a morning with dead people at Cimetiere Pere Lachaise and meeting the best listener in the world: a fat cat named Pierre.
*Meeting a bunch of people who know all about me being ditched (but me not knowing much about them at all)- and them being very nice about it and being very sweet by taking good care of me.
*Crashing at an absolutely random friend of a friend's place in the centre of Paris- big open windows and perfect view into neighbour's rooms. Telling ghost stories at night because we couldn't sleep.
*Waking up to the sound of churchbells in a strange, but soft bed- rolled in a duvet. I have not had a double bed all to myself in ages. The boys slept outside on the floor. Had the biggest, buttery-est most chocolaty pain au chocolat ever for breakfast. Painted my nails by the window sill while listening to music-with the sun warming me.
*Having pizza and beer in a cafe, after which we napped at a parc with fountains- still my chest remains 5 shades lighter than my arms.
*Going to the dinner/ball on the boat- it was ok in the beginning, awkward in the middle and really cool at the end. I felt to out of place because everyone knew everyone else. The girls and i came up with a story for me being there and unknown to everyone: I was a private student, studying fashion in Bordeaux. The reason that i dont speak French is that this is my Erasmus year, and i just arrived. Oh, and my main university is in Munich. (utterly random slip saying thank you in german). The views of Paris from the boat were amazing- the Eiffle tower was sparkling that night! It was great in the end because the band playing was excellent and we got up to dance in spite of the lack of space. It felt nice- listening to the Killers with the warm glow of the boat and the warm welcome i was getting was making me feel all fuzzy inside.
*And all the while, he hardly spoke to me- i wasn't really minding. He and the girl disappeared soon after we docked while i stayed on to party with the rest. I bumped into him while waiting for a cab with a new found friend (NFF)- but i didn't see him after that, at all.
*Riding a cab through Paris at 1 in the morning, meeting up with the rest of NFFs and eating leftover burgers with orange soda while playing cards in our jammies.
*Dressing up in my wrap black dress in the morning and touring Montmarte. I had a Marilyn Monroe flipped skirt moment- basicly the Parisians have had a good look at my knickers. It was hilarious. That dress must have been something- i was getting a few 'bonjour maimoselle' as i was walked along. I enjoyed the attention- i must've looked a bit parisien (maybe it was all black and a cigarette) because someone asked me for directions. It's funny because i dont speak a word of french so i shrugged my shoulders and said 'sorry!'.
*Being kissed by a random child-on the bus home to london there was this little 4 year old french boy who took a liking to me. This kid sat next to me and gave my arm a big soppy kiss. He was driving his mum crazy so i decided to talk to him- i ended up giving him piggy back rides and letting him play with my earrings. Such an affectionate kid- i was smothered with more soppy kisses and hugs. The kid had never seen a BCG scar and decided to 'kiss it better'.
Ending:
Im sitting on the bus as it's going through Brixton, trying to figure out my revision schedule and finishing that 10K word count dissertation.

The Decemberists - Los Angeles, I'm Yours

It should read London, I'm Yours.

Your humble narrator is off to Paris this weekend.

Im not so sure of my motivation for going, i do have a reason though. I've been invited to a party on a boat on the Seine on sunday.

It's a pretty formal party- i've been freting about the outfit, the shoes, the accessories for weeks.

I should be studying, but this weekend will be the weekend i get all outta my system. I can't wait. I have a schedule of things to see and just enough money to enjoy myself.

Im not sure how many shoes is too many for a weekend. Is 4 ok?

I need to pack, au revoir, see you on monday!

Sol's dead

He was never the same after the move.
I left it too late.
and i wasn't too good with the watering and sun exposure.
Im sorry i killed you.

The day floats by in the strong sunshine

I watch life pass like a movie.

There's the tonne of shiny colourful confetti in front of the courts of justice being whipped up by passing busses. The street sweeper is not sulking, yet.

The lady in the pastel skirt suit carrying an old fashion white boxy briefcase. Her baby blue eyeshadow frame her darting eyes. I wonder what's in the bag and who she's meeting at Half Moon street.

The gaggle of german school kids on a school trip. It was such a shy hello, such restrained curiosity. I could've been friendlier, but i was sunstroked by then.

The self-concious grin as a man caught me staring at him fixing his hair.

Friendly bus conductors and old school london busses ramble about east london. People sway as they make their way up the windy back stair and down the aisle.

The glare of the sun makes lines deeper, shadows darker and tar very-very soft. Bouncy even.

Im watching and waiting. I know no one's looking, but i want them to.

i dont think i'll make it in the arranged marriage circuit

Not that I'd want to

Random thoughts are...random.

I'll never make it because i photograph badly. And no one will fall in love with me through facebook. The shame, the dodgy photos. Worse, it's not my pictures so i cant get rid of them.

Buying sailor hats

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”

I like that qoute. It's by Einstein.

Im gonna cycle down into town later. Need to get sailor doughboy hats and a cheap stripey t-shirt.

sun, fun and mild concussions

I looked for an opening in the fence, preferably without a potentially leg-breaking 6 foot drop. Someone had done me a favour and flexed the chain link fence in such a way it was at about stomach height where it was level with the ground. I put one knee on the fence and then the other knee on. Before i could realize, my weight shifted and flexible chain link fence gave way, tipping me forward, face first into the green grass and packed earth.

My forehead and nose hit the ground with an audible thunk and i passed out for about a second. When i opened my eyes- my glasses had fallen off and i was lying on my bag- thereby exploding a pot of yogurt that was in there.

My head spun and by God, it hurt! And i still had another fence to climb. The other fence was less of a challenge because the fence was bent to knee height. Managed that without slamming my face into the ground ran off to get changed and get rowing.

It was all for nothing.

One girl didnt show, so we couldnt make it out cos there was no one to replace her. To add insult in to injury, all my stuff was covered in budget low fat strawberry yogurt. It gets gross because the milk goes bad and my stuff starts smelling of old milk. At least there was sun and we munched on carrot sticks (courtesy of me) while we waited for the evil rail replacement bus.

I went home- head still thrumming away and my hearing doing funky things. I couldnt even watch tv, my brain wouldnt concentrate and the thrumming getting steadily louder in my head. I went to sleep for 4 hours that afternoon.

It was a good friend's birthday that evening, so i went out for drinks at Brick Lane. It was a good night out- the music and company pleasant as wine flowed. My hearing was still off- background noise was really loud, but i could not make out what people were saying to me. Lots of cigarettes and highly inappropriate talk about Chris Cornell, rock groupies and voyeurism later we decided to call it a night. Before heading home we went for beigels (hot bagels at 1 am post night out) which made a good night so much better.

Boys with long dreadlocks

I love boys with long dreadlocks. A shining example would be the lead singer of Shadows Fall, Brian Fair. His dreadlocks fall past his bum and when he headbangs it is something to see. They're a pretty decent heavy metal band, the first time i heard them was at the Download Festival. I was totally in awe of the hair.

And of course, the classic dreadlocked man, Bob Marley. His son Damian Marley has impressive dreadlocks too.

Bob

Damian

Blond dreadlocks are also fetching. A cute example is the lead guitarist of Tokio Hotel, Tom Kaulitz. He's very pretty for a boy, and he's got an identical twin named Bill who has emo hair (that can be very big at times). This is all true, even down to the names. The music's not half bad either........Ok,ok, i confess, i love the emo-ness of it all. Even if it is in German.

Bill and Tom

Well, the reason im suddenly all crazy about dreads today is because there is the cutest guy working in the hospital with the sweetest dreads. First spotted while fixing the roof about 3 weeks ago, then saw him on the bus back two days ago...Today he was behind me in the cafeteria line. He's cute.

Dreadhead HQ