It's scary late at night, when i think about the future

I tend to get these episodes of gut wrenching, palpitation inducing worries late at night.

Most of them cluster around tomorrows.

They're repetitive and boring and so real. I tell myself i'll do something about it tomorrow, but it's tomorrow already.

You know they really care

when you get a gift of safety equipment!

I got a snazzy pink-purple-silver helmet from TYH and Daniel!
For the cycling you see- it's a lovely helmet, and fits properly, so i have no excuse now.

Helmet hair has to be made trendy.

Butterfingers-terus terang

Oh butterliciousness.....

This find makes my Sunday
I've got a splitting headache
So im lying in bed
Surrounded by notes and laundry
that needs arranging, folding

I want to sleep but i know i shouldnt
i'll just fuckup my sleep patterns again
Should i watch Romeo and Juliet or Zatoichi?

It's friday night

Im all on my own, the flat is empty- everyone is out.

I want a little mary-jane, a little something that'll put me in a different state of mind. I want to have friends around so we can jump around to Queens of the Stone Age.

Well, friends i have few and weed i have none, so i'll have to spend my friday night home, alone, bored; attempting to get some school work.

Maybe i go for a cycle de minuit since i didnt gym tonight. Hope the drunk drivers decide to stay at their respective parties a little longer tonight.

Cape lust

I have been lusting for a cape for ages. Initially i wanted a velvet full length one, all goth and sweeping.

The truth is short and stubby yours truly will only manage to look like Samwise Gamgee in a long velvet cape, complete with hobbit feet. Yes, my feet are that ugly.

In a moment of crazed ebay bidding i just bought a grey woollen austrian vintage cape. If that didnt sound bad enough, it's 57 quid and has a green trim.

It's crazed, but it looked pretty, and i've been telling myself i need a style revival- buying pieces that i love, but also a little classic in style. I hope it's long enough, i hope the wool isnt scratchy.

Sometimes i really ask myself why.

I'll post a piccie when i get it.

Too much of a good thing

Introspection and quiet music is good, but when i start wallowing i find it difficult to climb out of a funk. The more there is to do, the more time i waste. Like writing useless blog entries because i refuse to call friends to rant. I think it's unfair to put them through all the boring existential crisis depressive shit.

Funny story:

Last thursday i had cycled down, bright and early for my lectures. Arriving all flustered and sweaty i went into one of the 2 lecture theaters in the basement of the hospital. The lecturer was well into the lecture, i kinda slipped in and sat at the nearest available seat. About 2 minutes in i realized something was wrong. The topic of the lecture wasn't right and looking around, there were no familiar faces. Then it dawned- fuck, wrong lecture! I needed to slip out, but i hate bringing attention to myself. I squirmed in my seat and thought it out for 15 minutes before i left. I tried to do it quietly, but that never works. Everyone turns when the door creaks, it's like some collective instinct.

I thought, it's ok, nevermind, bygones~ it could've happened to anyone. Put it past me.

Hah, so i thought.

Today i bumped into one of the Kendo guys at the library. After the usual hellos, he goes, "hey, you went to one of my lectures on thursday, didnt you? And it took you like 15 minutes to realize it was the wrong lecture...."

There had to be someone i know in that lecture. There just had to be that one person who knows me.

Oh well, it could've been worse.

What would life be without funny stories and kawaii senpais who resemble Ruruoni Kenshin. Im awkward around that one- can't seem to figure out why.*Too much of a good thing refers to 'On the bus mall' by the Decemberist that has been playing non-stop on the maky-baby. I'm now moving on to Kanye West's 'Workout video' song. Someone give me something good to listen to.

Im feeling much better

It's the damaging combination of a depressive episode brought on by V-day and school worry compounded by systemic illness from exhaustion and a bug going around.

Blame the winter, blame the cold.

Many many pills and lots of sleep later i wake at 3 am feeling much better. It's quater past 4 now, and i really need to catch up on reading.

As a good friend likes to say, happy midweek!

P/s- i think the Kings of Leon and Queens of the Stone Age would make a cute couple. Name-wise only. Only in name.

I think i over-medicated today

I was so anxious at Kendo today. I was unbelievably twitchy and jumping all over the place.

It sucked. I still suck. Kinda lost a little confidence in myself today.

I hate this- if im off my meds i get lazy, and too much meds i got nuts and hungry. Yeah, these are the prescription meds im taking because i think i have a problem. The doctor doesn't think so, but hey, what do they know?

Yeah, maybe it's all in my head, but bloody hell, they make me feel better, so they must be working, right?

Yeah, maybe im not so happy, faking happy has a way of slapping me back in the face after the farce is over.

I hate being this pathetic person. There's more underlying this, but i'll elaborate when im feeling more eloquent and less like crap.

Later......like 2 in the morning later

Apart from being emotionally shitty, i can't walk properly because i have a massive (3x3 cm) blister on the ball of my left foot and a tiny (in comparison) blister on my right big toe.

Happy Valentine's Day

To those i have loved, currently adore and will love in the future.

Im not hating today , nor am i taking a anti-valentine's stance this year; in spite of being un-attached (as usual).

This is because today is a celebration of love, in all its form. Divine love, family love, for the love of ice-cream- it's all around.

There's no use being angry, if that anger is just gonna fester and make me a horrid person. I might as well share in the happiness and leave the wallowing for when the world runs out of ice-cream or chocolate.

So if im inebriated tonight it's not me drowning my sorrows, im celebrating!

The choice of today's music is a little mellow however, but it is in it's heart a song about love.
Ignore the video. Let your imagine run with it.



But i will not mourn for you
so take off your make-up
and pocket your pills away

Oh god, im scared

I could scare myself thin here

25 things

This tag has been going around facebook and being the self-examining, narcissistic person i am, i thought i'd do it. I'd rather not place it in facebook, so it'll just be here.

So you dont get too bored


here it goes:

1. I'm self absorbed and shallow.

2. I find it terribly difficult to buy watches for myself.

3. I can mess about wikipedia forever.

4. I always make sure i look pretty for Kendo classes, and no, it's not because i still fancy that guy.

5. Today i had too much cheese. It was a four cheese crepe, and it was amazing, but it was just too much of a good thing.

6. I gave myself a short, eyebrow skimming fringe- i cut it over the bathroom sink and it's a little short on the right. I told everyone i got it done at the hairdressers.

7. I cannot hold a drink anymore. A good beer and im up and away. Plus, when im slightly tipsy i am unable to stop drinking and i keep on going, sneakily getting drunker and drunker.

8. I suffer from social awkwardness- a definate social retard. I never know what to say or what to do....

9. I want to live in France for awhile. Also travel South America, live in New York, roadtrip North America and backpack through Asia.

10. I hope to be a great doctor. *Insyaallah*

11. When i was 7, i fancied these 2 boys at the same time. They were best friends. I wonder what happened to them.

12. Im not sure if you guys knew about this boy i totally was into in boarding school, but yeah, i was absolutely smitten, stupidly so. It doesn't matter much now, but i always give his current girlfriend the stare-of-death. And i relish the fact Shazzers doesn't like her. Shazzers is a great judge of character.

13. I wish i cared more about what is happening around the world. I wish i could, would try to make a difference. This is because:

14. "Everything i try to do nothing seems to turn out right" is not only the title of a decemberist tune, but also the tune of my life. It usually ends up great, but just not the way i imagined it ever to be.

15. Somewhere, scattered among pages of autograph books of people i know in boarding school are lists of "things you should know about me". I want to find them again and try to get to know my 17 year old self and see if the 24 year old likes her.

16. I dont want to stop smoking. Yet.

17. I like attention, but im very shy. Paradoxically im very loud, but only when around those im comfortable with. Still, the social retard in me is shy.

18. I need to be a better listener.

19. I forget things easily. I wish i didnt. It's scary when i just don't remember.

20. Geesh, im running outta things to say, and im starting to feel sick from all that cheese at dinner.

21. I like the Pulp song "Anorexic Beauty". I wish i was strong enough to give up a little joy to be thin.

22. I don't really like myself. There's nothing all to special, no real potential- a true waste of space. Mediocrity is a slow death, i've accepted that.

23. i tend to forget to brush my teeth at night.

24. I want someone to say "okairinasai" as a reply to my "tadaima" when i walk through the door. My dad always whistles a "i'm home!" when he arrives. I miss that.

25. Im not very good with the whole giving/expressing/showing love and affection thing. I love cuddles, hugs and kisses; dont believe me if i tell you otherwise. Sometimes i pretend i dont care for all this love stuff just to put on a brave face. But the truth is, a good cuddle and im yours. There's just not enough cuddles in the world. Either that or they need to be more equally distributed.

I dont wanna jinx it and because im superstitious im not going to title this post, "Some things you just cannot lose".

This is because there are things im hoping to lose (fat, my awkwardness) and some things i dont ever want to disappear (good friends, my boobs).

But then i remember that nothing is certain, in exception of death and taxes. Actually, i'll add a few more: they'll always be people better and worse off than you, you'll always need more shoes and it will get better, eventually.

The story that was going to go with the proposed title is about the collection of charms on my shinai bag. I was running for the bus when my charms fell off my bag. There's a lucky prosperity pig, a jade tortoise and a keris key chain ( i had a little poufy pooh bear, but that one disappeared at the last lesson). I realized it had fallen, i looked around me for a minute; but the bus was there and i was running late and it was raining, so i left it and jumped on the bus.

2 hours later on my way home from kendo i thought i'd go look for it anyway. Lo and behold, against all odds, it was there, lying on the pavement! Im gonna attach them firmly on this time, so they wont go falling off again.

On that note, im gonna do some neurology and get some sleep. It's an early start tomorrow.

Oh, and i feel i must tell you my packed lunch for tomorrow: pasta with spinach, ricotta and sun dried tomatoes.

And i also must tell you i have an affliction: an keen interest in cute, vertically-challenged younger men. May i get over this terrible condition.

Enough, enough....to work.

Snowed in?

Artic/Russian winds have brought freezing cold and a thick blanket of snow over london. Tubes are down, cars are slipping in the snow, there are NO busses, but my gosh, its GORGEOUS!

We managed to make a mini snowman (with a carrot for a willy :P) last night, as well as snow angels and snow ball fights.

Later we nestled in our friends flat for hot chocolate and lemon cookies (which were just made by yours truly).

Im hiking through snow to get to class today. Im giving myself an hour!

Motivation

If, and ONLY if i dont spend more than 20 quid on food this week AND i lose ONE kilo in weight

I get to buy.......



It has real working speakers....I have 4 colors to choose from- yellow, hot pink, grey or black....hmmm.....

I am also susceptable to *luv*

The recent bad spat has resulted in some lovely gifts of music.
Thanks.

Sunday morning is foggy and cold. I have kendo in 2 hours. They are plannning to work us into the ground.

But i am contented happy for now.



I write like im on twitter.

Careful, i am susceptable to flattery

Im walking in a haze of joy. I radiate inner peace. I have a renewed sense of purpose.

One of the kendo teachers said i have a nice men* hit. He told me twice. It was terribly sweet. Ok, the part where he's kill me if i lose it (the nice men hit) was a little scary, but still.....*giddy*

Im in trouble though. I didnt know what i did. We have practise tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

Yeah, i was having a bad 2 weeks. My phone is officially dead. Buried. So very absolutely dead. By no miracle will it ever come back.

I will have to procure a 3 mobile phone. If i cannot get anything of ebay for about 30 quid, i may just spend 60 pounds getting a new phone. Ouch, but its necessary.

For the moment, nothing will pierce this happy fog.....

*men- in kendo it's when you hit someone on the head.

I lied

It doesnt ever get better.
I was deluded.

It will be better tomorrow, i promise.

Open letter to Zach Condon (of Beirut)

Dear Mr. Condon

Your music is amazing, inspiring and perfect relaxing fare. I love both your albums Gulag Orkestar and The Flying Club Cup . I thought the series of videos you made with Vincent Moon from Le Blogotheque were genius! It captured the feel of TFCC so well.

I am looking forward to your new material and seeing you perform live, but it seems that the latter may be out of reach. You'll be playing a one night gig in a tiny venue in London- i didnt expect they'd sold out the tickets so fast (i tried buying them about 8 hours after they were released). Touts on ebay and gumtree are selling the originally 17 quid tickets for 100 over pounds. It's awful, but the demand is such that there are people who are willing to part with that much money to see you and your band perform. I unfortunately do not possess sufficient funds to do so.

So im writing to you to ask if you'd add another date to your london tour. Im sure it would be well received by your many fans here in london (and the rest of UK and Europe). May i also suggest an impromptu singalong at hyde park or victoria park in london? The weather should be fabulous in May; just perfect for a picnic, friends and pretty music.

Im glad that you've decided to go touring again.

Yours
Liez

P/s- I adore the french horn tattoos on your wrists.

Oh no, not me, we never lost control

Im dazed from 3 days of only 4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes twitch and my face looks haggard.

I finally gave that presentation of antisocial personality disorder- instead of the small audience of just my consultant and 2 other doctors i had to give my presentation in front of all the hospital's psychiatric consultants- most of them eminent professors, the guys who write the text books. I wanted to die, i wished for a heart attack, alien invasion- anything to make it stop.

I gave it all- 10 minutes of pure red-faced torture. I felt stupid, inarticulate and inadequate. It just brought up every single insecurity of mine to light.

When i finished i needed to cut myself, have a cigarette, hurt myself somehow. To just stop the pressure building up- all that shame and anger at myself for being such an idiot. I wanted to cry, but i couldnt. So i pinched my hand till it turned red. I stopped because i was gritting my teeth and brimming with tears.

Im much calmer now, but i know if i keep up the lack of sleep and tension i may slip into a depressive episode. I was miserable at dinner with friends and now i feel guilty that i ate (this fat girl looks ugly in her hakama).

Self-fulfilling prophecies or just fate?

I fancied myself fancying some fella i know sometime around christmas.

I had a friend, who is known to be good with these things, to do me a reading.

What he told me was that basicly nothing could happen. Hearts to far apart, apparently. But the cards did tell him something, a little odd comment.

Today i had a chat with said fella (i dont fancy myself fancying him no more. He's more mate-ish me thinks) and i realized that the cards got that little odd comment right.

Funny that.

I wonder sometimes if we really do have power over our future. Determinism is nice in the sense that you have no responsibility. It's not you, it's not him, it's fate and it's red strings.

But therein lies the problem. The hopelessness/helplessness of it all. The red strings no one can see.

I believe it's something in between. That fate is beautiful and kind and knows better but if you wanna fuck up your life then go ahead, fate wont stop you, fate'll just watch and make sure someone's there to give you a hug at the end. Fate gently nudges you in the right direction, but you can fight it. It's hard, it's uphill but it can happen. Wishing, wanting hard enough can change fate, so i believe.

In which lies my problem of not knowing what i want so i just let fate decide. But does fate always make the best choice? Is fate rational, does it calculate the universal cost and benefit? Is fate working in my best interest or the interest of the universe at large?

Bah humbug. Fuck this. I just keep on going 'round and 'round.

An odd week.

After the carnage that was wednesday evening (im missing my purple coat!) i still got my up for uni at 9.30. Except nothing happened, missing consultants, nothing to do. Went home for lunch, had a nice little nap and read all about neonatal euthanasia (not that i approve).

My phone is officially dead. My bloody sim card is locked.....fuck it! I am incommunicato (for real this time) and not out of my own choice.

It's just been shitty round here.

Fuck was i

OH AND FUCKED I WAS.

I managed to throw up all over my corridoor, my shower and myself. In fact, i had to shower because i was covered in sick.

I got so unbelievably pissed drunk. My hats off to the kendo club- you guys achieved what no one has ever able to do.

It was catastrophic, it was disgusting and i dont remember most of it.

I had 2 people put me on the bus. The steady lub-dub of Riz's heart made me feel less sick. And yes, the cigarettes didnt help. She held my head against her chest at the bus stop and it did a world of difference. I stopped me beind sick. She got me on the right bus, which didnt stop at the right stop. It was another 15 minute walk home.

I had to get home to make sure my Ukrainian visitors could get in. I manage to throw up twice, under no personal volition, on the stairs. I fell asleep on the steps at my main door while waiting for them to arrive. my phone died, so i had to wait the old fashioned way.

Then i duly collapsed behind the door, crashed into my shoe rack, adamant to fall asleep amidst my high heels. I managed to get myself into the shower, and my sick covered clothes in the washing machine. I still cant walk straight, and the only reason i can write this is cos there's spellcheck.


What the fuck was i thinking? And since when did i turn to a lightweight?

To prevail in the hope of summer

Tha bagman's gambit

Before you read, please press play. Currently im obsessed with this song. My current playlist is of a random selection of the decemberist, my chemical romance and jenny owen youngs' fuck was i.

Im back into kendo- training was exhausting, my arms still sore but it feels good to be back. My knee held up too.

My hakama and keikogi arrived. I look horrible in it! It's not made for curvy ladies of larger dimensions. The keikogi fits ok, although it's too long at the sleeves. My hakama is the worst- it billows out at the wrong bits and makes my already chunky legs look even chunkier. And it's impossible to fold.

The bagman's gambit is a lovely song, innit? Very calming, which is what i need now. Too much mess in my room, lots to learn and it seems someone has purloined my time.

Now, for a song to really dampen the mood- im gonna hide underneath the duvet now. Wake me when it's all ok



(A record year for rainfall)

I should be reading.

Or at least perusing a map. Something to guide me, show me the way. Im lost and scared. So unsure, so stupid.

Another weekend lost in a daze of Japanese food and cleaning bathrooms.

Im planning to start kendo again tomorrow. My knee is still sore at times, but i wanna go back. I believe in tough love anyway- i could use the exercise and i miss the way i feel after classes (high from exercise and a little smiley from seeing the dude)

My ear is sore, i just switched the push-pin used to pierce my ear with jewellery. I guess it's a bit of a stretch, but it shouldn't hurt exquisitely.

I just watched Underworld Evolution- should've stayed up to watch Lady Vengeance instead. Underworld Evolution carried on where the last film left off, with Selena looking hot in skin tight PVC body suit and the werewolf guy missing his shirt for most of the movie. Lotsa fancy guns, implausible moves, smashed faces and gore. That is the reason i watch vampire films- because i love the impossibility of it. It's like a Bollywood thing, but i indulge in fantasies of superhuman strengh and black leather.

Let me explain the "bollywood thing'. Have you heard of the story about the cinema in india that got burnt down because the film that was shown had a sad ending? The "Bollywood thing" is that some people watch films to escape from reality. Reality is ugly, painful, uncomfortable and sad- the reason of spending money on a film is to escape, for 3 hours, to a wonderful celluloid fantasy world where all is beautiful and ends well. The fantasy is usually of beauty, wealth and glamour. Not to say i dont wish for beauty, wealth and glamour- but i also like black leather.

I also watched 3/4s of Im not scared- a beautiful Italian film. I got hooked while channel surfing because the lead child actor had a beautiful, angelic face and the story about finding a boy trapped at the bottom of a hole and becoming friends is twisted enough to want to watch. Gorgeous scenes of italian countryside and bright colours. The ambiguous ending slightly pissed me off, but i cant ask more of world cinema.

I failed to procure Beirut tickets. I will wish, pray and surf touting websites till 8 May. Maybe i'll get lucky. Warning, digressive thought: Maybe the reason i'm not lucky with men is cos i spend my luck on concert tickets (remember linkin park, astoria?) and exams. That's ok though. I'll let the Big Guy make the plans. Beirut tickets please?

Need to go and do work now- Volver is playing at 11.

Spot the ciggies

For reasons not related to cigarettes- i like this picture.

Unrelated news: Beirut, playing one London show, May 8th. Any gig buddies about?

And since when did the decemberist sing about killing kids? The rake's song is truly twisted, but it's pretty catchy.

First depression off day of the year

It's the 15th of January.....i cant say i did too badly, it's the middle of the month and my hormones and meds are playing havoc with my body and my brain.

I skipped class.

I needed today?

Nah, i slept tell noon. I have an essay that was due at noon. Im only 1/3 way through and my god, it sucks!
There's 2 people to visit, there's exercise to do, psychiatry to study, movies to watch, people to feed, a kimono to wear and weight to lose.

I feel like im losing control of everything- my body, my brain and my life.

Things are piling up and im getting buried.

I wanna get on top of it, i need too. Even if i dont sleep i end up doing other things (escapism is my art!)

I now have piercing no. 8. The project for my right ear is complete.

The Specials - Too Much Too Young

I heard this song twice on tv recently.....
British telly has been the source of my music.....even hollyoaks can spew out a gem or two.

Talking about too much - i dont think i can do the Benrik diary 2009. Im too square and too boring. No creativity. And it's just January......anarchy is difficult for me, im a happy harmony kind of person.

You kinda get what you wish for

One of my housemate's friends came over and made tori katsu stew.

It might be score high on 'ideas of reference' but what are the odds?
Well, similar to the odds of my bicycle lock key not working and me having to resort to hiding my bike on hospital grounds. It's now hiding in the library grounds because it was too foggy to cycle back safely.

I went to a funeral tuesday. It was nice as funerals go- i've never been to a catholic funeral and it was different. I didnt know what else to say. What do you say about someone you kind-of-known who's passed away? Im sorry i didnt spend more time with you? Im sorry i wasn't nicer? Is it OK if the person is very older? Is dying ever ok?

I should be thinking about paranoid delusions and personality disorders.
I suspect i may have one.
There's no cure you know.

Vermont curry

I am hankering for some japanese curry. Good old Vermont curry with chunky beef....yum...
It's snowing outside now and hot rice and curry seem like the perfect accompaniment to snuggling in my warm room and watching midori no hibi.

Im in trouble with the psychiatry department on campus that are accusing me of missing lectures and making me write an esay to make up for it, except i did attend in spite of a nasty cold and diarrhoea on the day.

I still need to see my doctor about my knee, which i think has reached a natural healing plateau and now needs medical input. Deep heat can only do so much.

Im to lazy (and it's difficult with the limp) to go down to chinatown and get me some vermont curry roux and satisfy my cravings. I guess i just have to make do with leftover rendang and sambal tumis. Im hungry all the time.

First day of the rest of my life.

Let's work hard

Yuroshikun onegaishimas

Lykke Li - "Little bit"
Uploaded by tkf

resolutions

I usually never make 'em 'cos if i didn't achieve them i'd feel like a pile of crap. I have self esteem issues already so i'd rather not compound it.

A good friend however thinks otherwise, and i think perhaps the 3rd of january is a great time to start living the rest of my life.

For 2009 i will try

1. to lose 10 kgs by december '09

2. To do one prize exam this year

3. Finish my SSM first draft before i go home for easter

4. Snog someone senseless before 1st january 2010

When i think of more i'll list 'em, see how many i can get.

Serge Gainsbourg - Elisa (1969)

The empty space

I find the time between christmas and new year an empty space.

A time for regrets and sadness.

Things i have missed and the people i've lost.

Where i have failed and how i hurt.

How 10 years ago i felt exactly the same, maybe with just a bit more hope.

-

I wanna live life and never be cruel
I wanna live life and be good to you

And I wanna fly, never come down
And live my life and have friends around

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?

Nothing like the winter, biochemical imbalances and lonesome christmas cheer to bring out the depressive in me

Courtesy of munkao

I wonder if over-eating constitutes self harm. All that fat will kill you- either directly through a heart attack from clogged arteries; or indirectly if you throw yourself off the 20th floor cos no one loves you, you tub of lard.

Self-harm is not a joke- it's a serious sign that something is wrong. No one should hurt themselves, the universe and other people does enough of that already.

I use to cut, a little- there are a few visible scars left. To my parents they are nasty cat scratches and nasty stretch marks. To me they're memories. I remember why i did it, vaguely. The feeling of overwhelming anger and frustration that was exploding within me- i had to let it out somehow. I cut indiscriminately, usually in anger, not thinking of the repercussions.
What's a bunch of scars when really, i wanted to die?

I trivialize it now, because it is not cool to be a self-harming depressive. No one would love me. It's difficult to explain how i could take a blade and run it across my skin, deep enough to draw blood. That i was so angry, so upset, so lost that it was the easiest thing to do. To make the internal pain physical. To have something to show the world- here is the proof that i suffer. A cry for help of sorts- i was very good at getting help, i couldn't keep it to myself for very long. There were people i felt safe with, safe enough to trust they would emphatize and still sit with me at lunch.

I read a postsecret last week about someone who has stopped cutting but misses it. I know how it feels. Sometimes when it hurts real bad inside i wish i could just let it out, bleed it out a bit. Im too vain though, the scars look ugly and i wear short sleeves to work. Now I worry that people on my psyc placement would notice the old scars and what they might think.

I am haunted by my new placement. Psychiatry disturbs me, scares me.

People losing touch with themselves- and being made better with medication. What does that say about personality? That you can turn into something totally different because there is a chemical fuck-up in the brain. That all the unique personality traits that make you 'you' is dependant on chemical signals in the brain and when it fucks up, so do you.

So am i miserable because i dont have enough serotonin and dopamine in by brain? Or am i just having a bad day because "bad day" came out on my ipod on random? Or is it because i just refuse to see the bright side of life?

Psyc makes me think, but not constructively. Maybe it's because i fear what i may learn about myself. There is a lot of fear- i'm scared of my patients, and they can almost sense this fear. It's a primal fear- an adverse reaction to something i cannot understand, experiences beyond normal limits. There is also a basic fear of aggression- i dont handle people's anger or the threat of violence well.

Me and a friend got ourselves in a sticky situation a few days ago. We were interviewing a patient when suddenly he became threatening. I wanted to run but the other student just stayed, so i just sat there too. The situation calmed down a little later and we ended the interview as fast as possible. I was so scared. Im still scared everytime i walked in that ward.

Im here for awhile yet but i know this is not something i can do. This girl has too many issues to be handling other people's.

That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!

There's something about sufjan steven's haunting, clear voice singing the sad, scary lyrics with the soothing, almost calming banjo music.
Have a good christmas.

I believe

Christmas cheer will make me fat and jolly.
Very jolly and broke.

im sick

i feel terrible

Cycling in miniskirts

I picked up my bike from Kiki's today. It's been there since the weekend because i gave the keys to Buzz and forgot all about my bike locked up downstairs.

Today's fashion disaster is thin black leggings and a denim mini- did i mention it's subzero with gale force winds? I was cold, but i took it like a polar bear- just got on with business.

Psychiatry is interesting- im more convinced i have some degree of a bipolar disorder. We started with lectures today and what i've noticed is that our male lecturers wear sharp suits. The last lecturer had a lovely blue suit, perfectly fitted. The pocket square was a little dodgy, but the sleeve length and shoulders fitted perfectly.

One of my friends seems pretty worried about my self-medication (with legal meds mind you, just not doctor prescribed) and she's made it a mission to remind me daily to quit my meds and sends me lovely little emails with links to songs (usually with a no drugs, stay happy theme).

Im listening to a lot of dido's safe trip home. Actually, it's just 3 songs on repeat: It comes and it goes, us 2 little gods and let's do what we normally do. She's done it again, the album's amazing.

Cycling home from kiki's was a bit of an adventure. My skirt rode up the moment i sat on the seat- it looked like i didnt have much on. The cycle home was uneventful except for the random "fat ass" taunt and an 18 wheeler that drove past, close enough that i worried i might die in my miniskirt; which is not a good thing.

I may not wear this skirt again till i've lost a few thigh inches- it's tight to the point walking makes it ride up. Its unladylike to keep tugging at my skirts, no?

Anyway- kendo has exhausted me. They made me run, for like 10 minutes. I hated it, but i needed it. I still suck at kendo, but i'll persevere.

Gambarimas!

Dido - It Comes And It Goes

Then it comes and it goes
and i cant make it home
and there's nothing at home
and it breaks me when it goes

meet Taku-kun

He's a shinai, made out of bamboo and leather.

He smells nice, just like Kendo.

I like him already. 

I hope he likes me too. 

Love of mine, someday you will die

My mac has been a source of such misery that i have to advise people to stay away.

It's awful, especially for those whose life was very-very PC (no i dont mean politically correct)

I have a migraine because of my bloody mac.

It's fine if you're happy to overhaul everything, used conversion programs for all your files so you can watch things and buy new, shiny, mac compatible equipment.

The very pc world dont like rebels.

Unprepared rebels like me get migraines, tears and fights with their dads because of the stupidity of mac.

I stay unconverted- gimme my pc back.

By the way, the title was the video i was struggling with- imovie is as evil as.....evil

Inspirasi minggu ini: SO7 Pejantan Tangguh

Jadikan aku cewek terhebat!!

Minggu ini diilhamkan oleh Ben Gibbard yang kini kurus, svelte dan oh-so-cool.

Lagu-lagu Sheila on 7 memberi semangat untuk bekerja keras dan mencapai cita-cita

SO7 reminds me a little like DCFC- dua-duanya band indie, tema lagu-lagunya sama: love, relationships, living life dan also member kedua-dua band agak nerd gitu, tidaklah macam super good looking atau super-kakkoii, down to earth dan relate-able.

Kedua-dua nama band juga agak wierd. Pelik, tapi chomel.

Mungkin SO7 lebih sikit happy dan pop berbanding DCFC.

Apa-apa pun, saya 'heart' dua-dua band!

i should be studying

Instead im designing my shinai bag (yes, i've ordered one, it's arriving this week, yeay!)

A pertinent question

How much do you love cupcakes?

Would you tattoo them on your body?

Check these ladies out (im assuming they're ladies, men with cupcake tattoos, i apologize)

Cupcake tattoos- dont forget to click next, there's so many good ones!

Tarot card readings

I find tarot card readings are a good way to gain insight into whatever situation im in. Sometimes they give me hope, i tend to choose to believe the more favourable ones.

I doubt a deck of cards can give me answers i need- but they might be able to show me the way.

The best picks of today's reading-

Past:
A showoff. An imposter. An overly confident actress. A drama queen. A spoiled woman who whines and enjoys the sound of her own voice. Pretension.

Present:
Dreams. A fertile imagination. Numerous and sometimes conflicting desires. Dreaming up options. Window shopping for paths and goals. Bemused and confused by the possibilities of options. Realization of a long shot. Surprises. Humour, thrills, and vision.

Future:
Animal impulse and instinct. Primal knowledge. Tension between order and chaos. Reconciling the cultured vs. natural state of being. The wisdom of the subconscious making its influence felt via one's appetites and aversions.

Well, i would say that's a very favourable reading. My question was pretty specific, but i felt the answer is referring to my life at the moment, which is going off-kilter. My world is spinning so slowly that it's losing it's gravitational pull and falling off it's axis. Bits are falling out left right and centre, but i am scarily calm. I worry for a moment, panic for a bit, but i sleep well at night. I hope the cards are showing a change in my attitude towards life, and perhaps an improvement in the general situation?

We'll wait and see.

Wish me luck for the exam on friday that i have not studied for.

It may be the meds

i think i know where my anxiety and confusion is coming from.

It's the meds im taking to help me lose weight and stay warm. They're legal, proven to be safe for human consumption, in use everywhere- just not licensed or recommended for weight loss.

It's working- i've loss a bit of weight, even though ive been on a binge this week. 3 tubes of pringles will testify (one was even stolen from a friend). Im missing close to 3 weeks of lectures this year going off on holiday. I am asking for it.

Two weeks are lost due to sheer confusion. I shall never be careless with dates and booking flight tickets- i will always check the personal diary. Always!!

Good news is i bagged 240 quid tickets (return!) to Malaysia! I'll be back at the end of March for about 4 weeks- dont tell my dad, it's a surprise for his big 50 birthday!

It seems the meds are making me more bipolar too. Im gonna get tested after christmas to see what the meds have been doing to my body- my doctor is gonna get a good laugh and maybe i'll get an endocrinologist......appointment.

Death Cab for cutie was amazing

Ben Gibbard has inspired me to keep on working hard to lose weight.
I didnt recognize him initially- gone is the cuddly grizzly man. He's well slim now, clean shaven with smooth hair.

I prefer the grizzly, cuddly bear look. Stylist are evil.

He still sings the same though.....lovely noise....

The gig was great! Only thing was they didnt play 'we look like giants' or '405'. But they did play sound of settling, i will follow you into the dark and what sara said, among the few.

Ben didnt say much, didnt even intro most of the songs. I loved how he estimated about half of the audience in love before he launched into "i will follow you into the dark". It was just Ben and his acoustic guitar while the rest of the band just sat on stage, quietly singing along.

Chris looked the quintessential nerdy indie guitarist. The girls were enamoured with the bassist Nicholas, who was centre stage for pretty much the whole gig. My centre stage view was taken up by the neck of a swedish emo boy. Ben on the left and chris on the right.

It was great to finally see them live. Yeay!

eliza day is the 9th november!

That's what my friends decided anyway....

After the usual sunday evening dinner and Heroes my friends surprised me with presents and red velvet cupcakes!

I was very confused by it all, but very happy!!!

They gave me the super Mary Berry cookbook and the cutest t-shirt ever....It says on the front: Hello, my name is ninja and the back is a picture of two samurai swords crossed. Kawaii!!!!!!

I'm using all the happy energy from yesterday to get me through a miserable monday. It's been pouring since morning, i left the house at 6 a.m and i didnt manage to buy a gift for my brother.
I'm also soaked all the way down to my undies- wet Vans, soggy socks and sopping jeans are not good at all. Plus my cigarettes are all stale and disgusting. I starting to think the meds im taking to help rev up my metabolism isnt working because i feel absolutely miserable and tired all the time. Im not sure if it's the weather, the meds or the fact i have S.A.D (self diagnosed, of course). Oddly enough my study meds are shown to help with S.A.D- too bad i've finished those.

I think i just need some exercise and sunlight- but in Southend that involves rain, which just negates any goodness from the exercise and sunlight. For a coastal town Southend is pretty dismal.

It bounces back: TAGGED

I have much studying to do and so i shall do my best to reply a tag. I shall not tag people because i dont feel like putting people in the spot today, screw the rules. I was tagged by H.E.L.E.N. I like her and her blog- she is funny and thoughtful at the same time. Plus, she takes lots of pictures of food. (imagine i am saying the whole paragraph is a really bad french accent, then you'll get the sentence structure...)

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any 1 questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by and continue this game by sending it to other people.


1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Blind rage

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To be skinny

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
My own

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
a fifth to charity
a fifth to family
a fifth to buy all my friends designer handbags
a fifth for me to spend, spend spend
the last fifth to invest.

i'm boring, i know......

5. Will you fall in love with your bestfriend?
I love all my bestfriends but not in a romantic kind of way. I have strict friendcest rules.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone. I think that in a relationship the two people never love each other the same amount. There is always one side who is more ardent, more devoted, more in love. It's tiring to love someone and not have that love reciprocated the same way, so being loved is definitely more blessed.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I'd like to say forever but in all honesty i will probably wait until someone who absolutely adores me comes along and sweeps me off my feet (into a flashy sports car, im too heavy to carry)

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I'd get over it, we'll be friends and maybe in 5 years, when im really drunk, confess it all and the next morning pretend it didnt happen. He'll be surprised, it'll come up over coffee 3 days later and he'll ask why. I'll tell him it was because he's funny and nice. What i wont tell him is that i never got over him 100%. I never get over them 100%, because i usually have decent taste in men. They'll stay funny and nice and i'll always be a little in love, but it's ok. I get to keep them close as friends.

9. What do you pray each day for your loved one?
I dont pray as much as i should. My prayers are that they're are happy, healthy and may they never have reason to be disappointed in me.

10. What makes you fall in love the fastest?
It's when they care and they make me laugh.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
I want to be happy, successful and fulfilled but i worry that it might never happen. I want so many things so badly, i fear that if i say it out loud i may jinx it and it may never happen.

12. What do you really want at the moment of responding to this tag?
To cuddle up by a warm fire with a nice man. Add blankets, hot chocolate and indie music.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A beautiful girl who's bright and refreshing- in spite of everything untainted by bitterness. Loves her food and eats out a lot!

14. Would you rather be: rich and miserable or poor but happy?
Daniel and I decided this a long time ago: We'd rather be miserable in style. Expensive style.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Look at the clock.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
No. I'm too self-centered. I'd never sacrifice everything for someone else.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The taller one.

No, im kidding.

The one who loves me more.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
I forgive, but i dont usually forget.

19. Is there a relationship that you regret working hard for it?
I've never had a proper romantic relationship, but i doubt i'll work hard for it. Im lazy. If it's too much work i will drop it.

20. Would you leave your family behind just to chase your dreams?
I would, they'd kick my ass if i didn't. As long as the dream is doesn't involve me getting tattoos or piercings.

8 easy steps

This song hits home, hard.....
The video is a insult to injury

Do not duplicate

Usually, i dont berate myself too much for being a little self sacrificing when im trying to be nice and helpful.
Usually, im a pretty good judge of character.

Most of the time, i accept little inconveniences as part and parcel of being nice (and let karma handle the check and balances).
Most of the time i'm patient.

Usually, i dont make bad decisions.

Well, i've made a huge mistake this time. It involves a little phrase etched on my key- do not duplicate. It's going to be the bane of my existence for the next two months.

I have procured myself a roomate and we only have a key between us. We have different schedules and busy lives that centre in the opposite poles of London. Im a self sacrificing meek doormat studying in the East and he's a self-obsessed, self-serving fuss pot who wants to live the high-life that works in the West. It doesnt make for a very happy cohabitation......

I dont like having to be demanding, but it looks like i have to be. Good thing is that i will be away on outfirm for a month, so that means only worrying over weekends, Mondays and odd Wednesdays for the next four weeks. After that i'll be busy with crazy people so my home craziness shouldn't bother me so...(ans he's leaving mid december....).

I wonder how i could have begun to imagine this was a good idea. He just moved in at noon today- had the cheek to plan moving in without even asking me when i'm available. Worse, had the nerve to suggest i prepare the room and his mattress as he goes out for Halloween fun with his friends. And the worst, for today anyway, is that i have to waste more than an hour of my time waiting to get my keys so i can get into my house. The reason im waiting- he's window shopping in knightsbridge and is only heading down to tower hill at 5. Even asked me to go down to tower hill to pick up my keys....What the fuck? Seriously? My time is worth less than yours? What the fuck?

I feel slightly used. He's chipping in for rent, but it's like a third of what he'll pay anywhere else. Im regretting my decision to invite him to stay. Im a bit sad that im starting to resent this arrangement because we were such good friends. I doubt we can stay good friends if this keeps up.

I'll probably spend more time in the library and at the gym but it's really bad to have so much anger- it's slowly tainting my aura and making me feel miserable.

it comes and it goes

Im now fully committed to a self-improvement regime.
I've never eaten healthier, exercise more or taken such care with my face.
It's a lot of work.
and im finding that the harder i work, the worse i feel about myself.
Self hate sometimes rises up my gut like bile, giving a bad taste in my mouth. I start feeling sick and miserable then spend an hour worrying and looking up possible plastic surgery to fix what's wrong.

I think i have body dysmorphic disorder, but not the usual kind.

Jeans shopping last friday
I walked into one of the bigger high street clothes store. It's trendy clothes and i do own jeans from there. Walking along the denim section, i peruse through cuts, washes, waist cuts. I pick up an interesting pair of jeans.....yeah, they look my size, let's just check the tag....nope, they're actually 3 sizes too small.
That's my problem- i see myself as someone that is smaller, cuter, smarter, nicer. I think im so great when the glaring truth is that: i suck at lot more than i think i suck.
Graphically:

mezavant xl sponsors liez's post-it

I dont think a case like mine has appeared in medical literature yet.

day of near misses

Almost missed the bus this morning,
but the bus driver stopped in the middle of the road to let me on.

Almost late for lectures,
but got there in time to grab a coffee
Thanks Mr bus driver sir.

Got my handbooks signed off
which almost didnt happen because of crap scheduling

Almost lost my wallet
but found it near the vegetable store-thank god.
Thanks mr owner of vegetable stall
for discount on cilantro
and finding my wallet

Im so lucky sometimes
Actually im lucky a lot

meet mr butter

I Will Never Love You More - SoKo (live)

You're a star

Hey eliza, you're a star, you can be whatever you want to be. Just reach up and take it.

Remember, you're a star.

That wasn't self motivation. A cynical, caustic, realist friend told me this as i passingly remarked how it was gonna impossible for me to become a surgeon.

This is the same person who offered to beat up the malaysians when i was really upset with them and also the source of the line, "real men don't feel cold" (said while standing sopping wet in the rain, all cool-like).

Funny guy. Still, didnt expect him to come out with a line like that.
Maybe it was a joke.

High and Dry - Lele De Los Van Van ft. Radiohead

It's a great version of a really sad song. Kinda reflects the wierdly introspective but static mood i've been in the past few days.

As far as i can pick up, with my rubbish spanish the lyrics are fairly there.

I feel strangely mentally lethargic. I cant seem to inspire interest in anything. My attempt to spice my life up is to spend money on music and dvds, search ebay for kendo equipment and makeup brushes and obsess about my weight and skin condition. Then i sleep.

But everyday is like a record on repeat- im just going round and round, going through the motions. The music is good but it's getting boring.

Rainy day

My hair now resembles spun sugar piled on my shoulders. It's very very soft and very big thanks to the combination of deep conditioners and rain.

The rain makes everything damp, my shoes and socks, the bottom of my jeans. I had to suffer a broken umbrella- the spines dont work properly, so it lies flat rather than domed and has a habit of turning inside out at the slightest breeze. The umbrella is a 'borrowed and never returned' item so i cant really complain. For the life of me i cannot find my trusty M&S brolly. I imagine it's probably at a friend's house, still drying. Still better an umbrella that resembles a daun keladi then no umbrella- it's the different between poufy softness or dripping wet.

I got caught it a pour late this afternoon- i got properly soaked then. It was almost like playing in the rain, except this was running for the bus.

I will sleep now. Rain soaked heads are sleepy heads.

The pink kebaya

My pink kebaya is beautiful. I love the embroidery of lighter and darker pink on the sheer pink material. I've had it for a year now and im yet to wear it. It's due to the simple reason i cant fit into it.

Since last year, not much has changed. Im still obese, im still depressed, i'm still terrible at what i do and i still cant fit the kebaya.

My valiant efforts at dieting really isnt making a dent in my waistline. My attempts at exercising just gives me painful knees and a hefty gym bill. I'm yet able to afford surgery or induce spontaneous anorexia.

When i look in the mirror i usually dont hate the way i look. I'll think, "oh, my tummy hangs out a bit, gosh....." then i put some clothes on and it's over. If i lived the life of a hikikomori (wikipedia elaborates here) i'd be alright. Not necessarily happy, but content with my image. It's when i compare myself to other girls i get distressed. My friends are mostly slim- one girl has managed in the past year to diet herself down to a bobble-headded beauty. She looks fantastic in clothes- when she dresses up now, her body looks amazing.

Back to me. When i buy clothes and try them on, i realize i don't look like what people are suppose to look like. My proportions are all wrong. I get fooled because of the easy availability of larger clothes here in the uk. Back home i just looked frumpy because there was nothing to wear- wearing men's clothes and trying to look cool was a coping mechanism to the lack of feminine clothes for fat people. Here i manage to dress feminine because clothes are available- however because of my shape delusion i opt for styles more suitable for my slimmer counterparts and thus look awkward.

Is my fatness central to my social inclusion and deep psychiatric/psychological issues? Most probably yes, but to what degree, i cannot say. I cannot blame the fat for all my problems any more than i can blame my mother for giving birth to a fat baby that stayed fat.

How does the pink kebaya factor in? I desperately want to wear it and look fabulous in it.

I was feeling depressed and suicidal

But I found this, so it cant be too bad. So what if my world crumbles around my ears and the party tomorrow flops- i'll live to suffer the shame and humiliation.
It will be bad, but it cant be worse than a VIP ticket to hell, no?
If you cant stand the kermit voice, listen to the sad yet soothing elliot smith's original needle in the hay.
The video is kid of a piss take of the royal tenembaums where one of the sons attempts suicide. He lives to make out with his sister.
It's ok, she's adopted.

My first designer purchase

Is a Ralph Lauren polo t-shirt. 

It's not for me though, it's for a friend. Two of us chipped in to get it- he loved his present, so im glad. It took ages for us to decide what to get. We are more like a bickering couple than friends now and we look like such the odd couple. 

The weekend was fueled with excellent food and drink- been eating out all sat/sun and there's 2 red velvet cake left on my window sill (i had one for tea). Im exhausted and feeling a little rough, but lots of noodles and ibuprofen will fix me right up. 

Im tired and there's too much work to do. 

Im gonna try the weight loss thing again

(Nangka)




pokok cengal

sleep tonight

to forget the failing grade
the shame of ignorance
and bad tenses

in spite of clothes everywhere
dirty dishes stacked
and insane mess

Why I'm not ready to have a boy

My phone bill is forty quid this month. Im appalled- it's never ever been this high.
I blame in on one person, my new boy. We'll talk on the phone for awhile (never too long, i get hot-ear syndrome) but i guess because it's everyday....

I've zero-ed out my minutes and left with 6 free text.
And a forty quid bill. I guess this month's savings will be a little less.

And my new boy is not really my boy. He's a really good friend im taking care of at the moment. He's a handful and a headache- the fusion of a petulant child and a shopaholic queen. Something like this, just with more attitude and less lassitude (and sans dove- he'd strangle it first cos it'd get feathers on his nice woollen sweater that costs more than the aforementioned phone bill).(truth be told, he looks nothing like this but this is the closest to vanity + petulant +pretty + skinny boy i could find)

But still, we have a good time out, although im usually left bewildered and just a little sad that he can never be just happy.

Happy to splash about in puddles, happy just to be out with me, happy just to be alive.

I'm very mum-like when it comes to him. Someone has to drum some sense into the boy- though like most mums i just want him to be happy.

I've gotta cut down on the crazy phone calls next month. No more mollycoddling.

Raya

Raya in london has lost it's luster.

Living away from the Malaysians has made the celebrations less festive, less kepoh, much less exciting. Raya never meant much to me personally anyway. It was always about other people- inviting people to open house, visiting people's open houses, watching god-awful reruns of maria mariana or tragedi october and the really depressing raya songs (or the very ceria ones i could never connect to).

raya when i was a kid was always about work- i had to peel onions and shallots till my hands reeked of them. The smell of shallots on my hands brings me back to my childhood of sitting on the kitchen floor with the basin full of onions, wondering if i'll ever manage to peel them all. There was the time mom used to make serunding- even dad got roped in to help shred the chunks of beef into fine floss.

baju raya was always something to celebrate, although i always thought i didnt look as pretty as the other girls. But then it wouldnt matter much because i'll be stuck in the kitchen for the most part- serving drinks and doing dishes. Last wednesday at my aunt's place, i had such a sense of nostalgia washing dishes in my baju kurung. It was a flash back to 10 years ago, when i'd be doing the exact same thing at home.

I hated raya because of the work. I couldn't appreciate seeing family, sitting down to eat the 6th bowl of nasi impit and kuah kacang of the day. In the end, it's about people. Seeing and chatting with people i sometimes meet only once a year. It's really sad that some of my favorite older relatives have passed away and most of my memories of them was of when i was a child.

Celebrations this year fell flat- i got the day of raya wrong, so i spent the day on firms, super-busy. The next day started out awful and i got caught up in a designer shopping spree, feeling terribly out of place. Dinner at aunt's later made everything better- it felt homey.

My old housemates (the Malaysians) did a raya bash on friday- i was invited as a guest and was told to just come by, to not bother making anything. As if living away wasnt bad enough, now they were treating me like an outsider, a guest. It stung a little- i enjoyed the big raya parties we use to hold every year (i whinged about it, but actually, i really enjoyed the insanity of a big massive cookout). I came in work clothes, looking a bit worse for wear when lo behold, the former man i was obsessed with was there. This year i managed to actually salam him and say 'selamat hari raya'. I know im no longer obsessed because i would have frozen and then swooned if this happened 2 years ago.

The MSD party today was alright. I feel so old- lots of my old friends are no longer around, they've all graduated and moved on. There was the odd person i knew and people i recognized, but somehow, it's just not festive. One of my company today was decidedly uncomfortable and unhappy (except the bowl of lodeh made his day), but he's never that happy when he's with me anyway, so i told myself to not take it to heart. Food was very good though and i wolfed down a fair bit. I didnt even take that many photos- didnt feel too pretty today.

So that's the end of my raya whine. I will have a raya do, probably in 2 weeks time before i leave for the coast. Lots of people want check out the new place and there are people that i haven't seen yet. It'll be a mission, cooking all that by myself, but hey, i always survive and still throw a decent party.

Im so (insert a feeling here) i wish i could die

It's one of those weekends
Where things just go wrong from the morning
And there's no one to blame but myself

I know going to bed will not fix anything
but at least it's warm

how do you know something is right

how do you decide if something is right?

Is it a gut feeling 

or something that properly thought out, planned, logical and makes sense?

I dont want to pursue something that will waste my time

But im wasting time doing nothing

So how do i decide?

Is it a serendipity, fate, luck

or think, ponder, analyze?

On a different note:

Baz is bad for me. 

He makes me want a Bottega Vanneta clutch and a Chanel 2.55. 

My justification is that it's an investment- my granddaughters will love me for it. 

Raya sucked. I felt alone, unloved, fat and ugly (when did i ever felt slim and beautiful?)

It picked up later in the day somewhat- at least i can still laugh at the irony of the situation. 

I realize i giggle to cover my nervousness and any feelings of insecurity. 

Im so insincere, i lack politeness and decorum- it bothers me. My shyness makes me meek, but i lack politeness and sincere caring. 

Sorry, i was off on a tangent. A little self hate goes a long way. 

Listening to Placebo doesnt help. 

But the pain is feels so good sometime. 

Hurt me just a little bit more.

Tagged

I was tagged ages ago by Izy (24th June to be exact). 

I decided to do this tag thing now because there's a tonne of other stuff to do, but i like a distraction. Especially one in Malay (now that's gonna be a challenge)

Jom kita mulakan!

1. 7 fakta mengenai saya

    - saya perempuan

    - saya sangat gemuk (hampir tahap obese)

    - saya mewarnai rambut saya warna hitam

    - saya suka berdolak dalih 

    - saya suka membazirkan masa

    - saya selalu menagguh kerja 

    - saya suka makan

2. 7 perkara yang menakutkan saya

    - akan berseorangan selama-lamanya

    - kematian orang yang disayangi

    - menjadi seorang yang membosankan

    - tikus

    - akan masuk neraka

    - mengecewakan harapan ibu-bapa dan keluarga

    - kehilangan mana-mana deria

3. 7 lagu buat masa sekarang yang diminati

    - hujan- skandal

    - sufjan stevens- lakes of canada (this song can change your life)

    - metro station- shake it

    - pussycat dolls- when i grow up

    - neutral milk hotel- oh comely

    - sufjan stevens- for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti

    - peter sarstedt- where do you go my lovely

4. 7 perkara saya selalu sebut

    - yup

    - ok

    - nevermind

    - im so fat now

    - it's fine

    - i'll diet

    - i'll do it tomorrow

5. 7 perkara amat bernilai kepada saya

    - keluarga

    - rakan-rakan

    - deria-deria

    - external hard disk

    - laptop

    - kotak penuh dengan surat-surat dan kad lama 

    - barangan kemas 

6. 7 pertama kali dalam hidup (yang kiranya penting)

    - kali pertama merasai escargot

    - kali pertama mabuk

    - kali pertama mencederakan diri sendiri

    - kali pertama melancong seorang diri

    - kali pertama masak kuah kacang

    - rokok pertama

    - pertama kali tersalah ambil darah pesakit

7. 7 orang saya mahu tag

    - aaron

    - zul

    - rama-chan (boleh buat entry...dah lama kita semua tunggu entry baru)

    - wenxian (rindu awak tau.....)

    - elias

    - baz

    - helen

Done with tagging. Now back to work!

   

need sleep

the joke is that i wanna become the samurai/ninja surgeon who shirunkens my patients bits accurately and live off 4 hours sleep. 

Since that is unlikely, im gonna sleep now.

zzzzzzzzz

later.....

i meant shuriken. And to be fair, kiki suggested it, not me. She said it'll be an interesting way to make the initial incision. I just wanted to survive on little sleep. Didnt happen, slept till two  in the afternoon and felt mighty guilty about it

Unhappy

London can be lonely. When there's no one who knows you or understands what you're trying to say. They mean well with their platitudes and well-planned distractions; but late at night there's something missing and it's not enough.

Lying there staring into space the darkness creeps in, like a black hole, taking every bit of feeling with it. Within it nothing exists, no mass and i feel the same. 

I cant take it away, im not what you need. I try but it's not enough and im sorry. Im not it, i dont know how to be and you wont let me. Dont depend on me because i will let you down; make your happiness your own my love, because people are unreliable. 

Chest drains

Momma had a massive pneumothorax and i missed it.

Basically, her lung collapsed. It's a pretty bad thing and you need to have minor surgery to correct it, but it isn't life threatening. It must have been progressing slowly; i missed it when i called her on sunday. She'd been complaining of a dry cough and some chest pain. They picked it up at the GPs 3 days later.

The chest drain is in, she's in a little pain, but it'll clear up in a few days. She sounds alright. They say she can go home friday.

new place

Im sure the big guy's smirking

Being deaf as post from years of headphone misuse, i have a tendency to mis-hear lyrics to songs and end up making up my own which usually sound fairly similar to what's being sung. I sing it loud and proud with the wrong lyrics, although i get embarrassed when i get corrected. 

Most of the time i like my versions better. 

Sometimes i wonder if God's watching me and laughing at my pathetic attempts at change. I force myself to take small risks, make minor changes, just to see if it'll make a difference. A difference to what end im not sure, but for simplicity's sake let's say a difference to my destiny, the lifepath, my fate. 

I like the idea of reincarnation, the only problem is that it doesnt fit in the islamic faith model.  All im getting is a single attempt, one run and supposed to get it right the first time. Im a slow learner, therein lies my problem. 

I actually just wanted to say that im thinking of doing Kendo.  Im not sure if it's a good idea, if it is worth doing or why im even doing it. There's a famous quote somewhere that kinda goes "above all, be true to yourself". I think it's Hamlet. So, the truth is:

-i imagine i wont get anywhere with rowing

-i think kendo is cool (it's juvenile, but mentally i've not matured since 15)

-i'm in a japanese phase at the moment

-it's new and people in the team are nice

Worries:

-it's hard and im not fit

-there's lotsa equipment i need to get

-that i'll go nowhere with it, like rowing (i was so optimistic in the beginning)

-there's very few girls in the team

i think im gonna go with kendo, just because i went last week and told this nice girl i'll see her next week. Also, i have nothing better to do on a monday evening so why not mess about with heavy bamboo sticks?

oddly, this was inspired by the song  about rowing on the lakes of canada. 

My favorite, wrongly worded lines from the song:

look for me another day

i feel that i could change

oh laughing man

what have you done

dont tell me what cannot be done

my little heart

my winter lungs

dont tell me what cannot be done

Ah, i remember

He he, im only just sending my exam results to my sponsors. I got the lowest mark ever last year for my practical paper. Ouch. Still, passing means i get money to buy books (or go skiing). 

I found the brass tag to my old room key and shazzer's spare locker key in my miniature chest of drawers, bundled in with sewing thread, needles and buttons. 

Damn i miss having her around. 

moving in

finally i can see the floor. I managed to arrange and stuff other things into boxes, drawers or under the bed. 

Some semblance of order. Only now i have clothes drying everywhere, and i dont know where to hide my hats. 

Seeing the floor is good enough for today. 

Quote of the day

Courtesy of anime:

*Bishounen are this country's (Japan's) treasure!*

Bishounen are beautiful boys, the kind that look a little androgynous, with fine bone stucture and look  good enough to eat. 

thought of the day

Kuaci is not much fun alone.

I found this at a friend's blog

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

by Helen Hays in Roy Newquist

Back in london

And writing again. 

I didn't write when i was home because i didn't have to. There were friends and family. Even my mother is good enough company, better company than myself. Now im a little lonely and a little sad. It's a large dose of homesickness and a dash of change. The move was a bad idea on many parts. Moving was a bloody mission- i thank a certain skinny but strong boy and another lovely friend for Herculean effort. I've met and talked to only one of the girls here- she's lovely, but on a kindredship level, there's very little. There 2 others, one i've said hello to, and another i've not met. Maybe it's me, hiding out in my room. I miss my old housemates, i miss the comfort of having people who know me around me. I don't deal with change well, i dont deal with certain people well. But that's another blog entry. 

I took the blog offline for awhile because i didnt like where it was going. 

It's not just the blog, I don't like myself as a person and the person im becoming. 

Im still looking for home. If you find it, can you tell me?

Later in the day:

I met the other girl. She lives next to me and she's a bloody light sleeper. I woke her yesterday while puttering about from the loo and back. We have noisy doors. She's in her final year too.  I wonder who i offended to deserve this.